Saturday, September 29, 2012
I hate depriving myself because when I do then I feel like I am on a diet. And diets in my opinion set us up for failure! I am trying to make changes for the long term, as in life style change. I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis...which is hard to change deeply ingrained habits that you have lived by for so long. I love food, I love to eat and I can cook. Put that all together and you get a recipe for disaster especially with my family history and genetics, which tends to be on the "thick" side.
My one night of sin is to me going to out to eat and actually not really restricting myself but eating in moderation. Like I did last night, we went out to Hometown Buffet, all you can eat, with the risk of temptation resulting in loss of control. But I was listening to my body, what do I need/want, what was I craving? Well I started out with a healthy protein, I had some baked salmon, and baked tilapia to start. I was however, craving some Mac and Cheese, so I put a little bit of that on my plate and then some steamed broccoli. I ate that and I still felt hungry so I went back and had some mashed potatoes with a little brown gravy on top. A scoop of corn and a scoop of carrots and one small baked chicken leg. Notice I stayed away from anything fried, which was a good choice in my book. I finally felt satisfied but not full or uncomfortably full like what would happen normally at a buffet.
I DID have dessert but I planned carefully what I would have. I had a square of cheesecake and a small brownie triangle. I needed to have some chocolate and something creamy. Yet, my mind wanted to say..."too much! You will blow your diet!" But then I had to be reasonable with myself, this it what I wanted and I don't do this every night. I had my dessert and was happy with my choice. I didn't feel cheated out of a treat or deprived because I ate some real food that I usually don't eat, like the Mac and Cheese or the Mashed potatoes with brown gravy. I honestly felt good on how well I handled the buffet. And I enjoyed my food for once! I didn't over eat or serve myself huge portions. Most importantly I didn't mindlessly eat, I took my time and tasted each bite. That was a good night out for me.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
So it has literally been little over two years since I have used Spark people and a lot has happened to me in two years. I guess as I approached 29 and there after before I reached 30 it was pivotal year. First I went through a complete spiritual metamorphosis where I went from being raised in/practicing in a high control Christian fundamentalist group to just being a spiritual person belonging to no denomination or religion. In that one year I got out of an unhealthy marriage where I had spent years lying to myself that everything was okay and I could deal with it. Well...I was done just dealing with it and had the guts to finally do something about it and it all pretty much started when I decided that I was going to work on myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally and stop being a people pleaser. I just looked at myself and could no longer just go through with a life I had settled for and not the life that I really wanted.
So I had lost some weight from September through January of 2011 because I had started a jogging/walking routine plus a weight training routine combined at home and I was doing good and about the same time my marriage just started to reach a point of no return in unraveling very quickly. By March 2011 I moved out and went back home to my parents house and I even got my old room back. In that time I reconnected with my first love and it was like going home again when we finally met up after not seeing each other for 9 years. It was at that point I decided I had to get out of the city I grew up in and move 500 miles away to where my my guy lived and worked. I guess I just needed a new fresh start and I JUMPED at the opportunity with no fear, if it was a year earlier I would have been too afraid to change anything in my life even if I was really unhappy. I was tired of being depressed and tired of being oppressed by certain people in my life...I put up with a lot back then but not any more.
Then to make life a little more complicated, I found we were going to have a baby. This was the baby I had always wanted in my first marriage that I never had. I think it was all that stress and unhealthy environment that prevented me from getting pregnant. Things happen for a reason right? In addition to finding out we were going to be parents, we also made plans to visit my man's family who lived in the UK that same summer. I love traveling and seeing new places but traveling while in your first trimester was not as fun but I made the best of it. lol It was totally crazy looking back how everything just changed drastically in my life because I finally decided I deserved better in life. I had found my self worth and it was okay to be happy. In February 2012 our daughter was born. She has changed my life so much in so many positive ways. However, I was overweight while pregnant with her and gained an additional 40 lbs on top of what I weighed originally pre-pregnancy. I also had a c-section so getting my strength back has been really difficult with the added blow of having gestational asthma. Anything vigorous, such as climbing steps to taking a brisk walk was nearly impossible. I couldn't really exercise like I wanted to. I had to start my fitness from scratch, like I never even exercised before, even though in my 20s I was an avid gym goer and pretty fit.
Now my daughter is 7 months old and I finally feel ready to get this thing conquered. This is me trying to finish what I started.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
I have been working on my life style make-over for 30 days now and I am surprised at how easy it has been. The best thing about this new approach is that I don't feel deprived or starving like all of my other weight loss attempts that ended up in failure and putting the weight back on. I think it really does boil down to a mental restructuring of my old negative thoughts about progress (no matter how small) into a new mental mind set, which makes any progress as a positive and good thing! As I am coming to find out, this new approach is really working and at the same time I can feel the mental clarity starting to enforce good, positive changes for the long run. It is not as hard as I thought it was going to be and that is the part that I am having difficulty wrapping my head around at this time. I am just afraid in month 2 that I am going to fall off wagon again. I really really don't want that to happen. So please please keep up the encouragement people because it is working.
Thursday, September 02, 2010
This is so annoying, but I am not going to let it discourage me. My clothing is starting to get lose and baggy in some places, this is a good sign, since my efforts are paying off. However...however...my weight has not really changed. I am still the same weight as when I last weighed myself two weeks ago. Okay, maybe I am being a little too impatient so I JUST need to calm down and let my body do its thing without stressing the hell out of it.
I totally blame myself here for my body's stubbornness to give up the fat stores. And I think now I can put together the events of why I got this way.
When I first lost the majority of my weight before I started high school, I weighed about 178lbs max. I lost 40 lbs from working out almost every day with the 24 hr fitness membership my mom got me for my 15th birthday. In high school I figured out I could cheat occasionally on the fast food, cookies, candies, and anything else teens crave if I used dieter teas. I abused them along with my exercising at the gym, and they eventually led me to develop fainting spells from the lack of electrolytes in my body. I went to get brain scans and blood work because at the time I had no idea the dieter teas were doing the damage until I took nutrition in college.
In college I gained some of the weight back but had to get oral surgery the summer after my first year. I could not eat real food for a couple of weeks due to painful stitches. I also drank another herbal tea but this one did not have bad side effects, it just detoxified my system and I lost a lot of water weight. Eating meager amounts of food also meant that I was starving my body. At the time I was happy about shedding the unwanted weight and it was great since I started dating again.
When I met my husband I was at my thinnest, but it was because I was not eating enough food, and on days where I (rarely) went out to eat I would binge having one large meal. I also skipped some meals, like dinner for example. So many unhealthy things I have done to my body and I never really took care of it properly. I just figured going to gym 3 to 4 times a week would do the trick. Of course now I don't have that luxury any more. I repeated the same unhealthy cycle after we got married as soon as I started gaining weight, I started to severely restrict my calories for a month until my weight went down again and I did not have time to work out so I ate less to compensate. Then I went back to eating 'normal' sized portions, quickly forgetting that I put my body in starvation mode, so it held on to all that I ate.
I love to eat and so does my husband and we are both good cooks as well. I can say I have a mild food addiction and so does he. Whenever the stress got too much we would both eat for comfort. When times were good we would eat to celebrate. In his family everything revolved around food, and lets say non of his siblings are small. It is kind of funny how you pick up on your spouses eating habits and you don't even realize it until 5 years later you are about 50lbs heavier. This lifestyle in addition to my bad Yo-yo dieting habits has not been beneficial to me or him. Analysing the culmination of my bad choices really makes sense to understand where I am now and where I want to go after this.
Bottom line...that is why I am fed up with continuing on a path that led to nowhere. I will get back on my feet and we will work together as a team to accomplish our goals. Small changes, baby steps and the determination not to flake out.
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