Sunday, October 24, 2010
For years, I have been involved in practices that teach mindfulness: martial arts, meditation, massage therapy, acupuncture, qi gong, yoga... And yet, I've had an awfully hard time bringing it into my life, particularly into my eating.
I am a wolfer. I come from a big family, and if you didn't want someone to steal off of your plate, you'd better eat all your food... and FAST! This era of my life still manifests itself in my eating posture: hunched over my plate, my left hand protectively held around my dish, my right hand holding the fork in full shoveling mode.
For years, I've eaten microwave dinners in front of the TV. 10 minutes is a really long time for me to eat; usually it's more like 5 to 7. I have also always been extremely hungry very suddenly, so anything that took more than 10 minutes to prepare was out.
However, lately I’ve been cooking my own food, which gives me a greater connection to my food. I appreciate what I make more, so I pay attention more, savoring the flavors, wondering what other spices I could use or what I can pair with it next time.
I eat more fat and protein which avoids the carb crash that results in: “I’m not hungry at all..... Wait a minute. Ack! I’m hungry! NEED FOOD NOW!!!!” Because of this I can plan my meals, and create something really wonderful.
Someone told me once that food isn't just about nourishing the body; it nourishes the soul. I am finding more and more that by bringing my attention to my food and eat more mindfully, it does just that. Food tastes better and is far more satisfying if you are "there" while you're eating it. This idea impacts the food choices I make, and also my relationship with the foods that I DO choose to eat.
I do still eat quickly....... but I'm working on that.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
So I finally used the free personal training session that my gym offers with my membership. I liked my trainer immediately, and for some reason, being told what to do made strength training really bearable... almost fun....
So when she suggested follow up sessions, I didn't hide my wallet away as I had planned to do, especially when I heard that they offered half hour sessions. And if you buy a series of 10, you get a steep discount! How could I resist?
The man at the desk showed me the rate: $49 per session if you bought ten. I did the math quickly in my head... ten sessions at $49 per session... 149 dollars! I can afford that!
I pulled out my credit card and he brought me the receipt, and I immediately realized my error. Ten times forty-nine is most definitely NOT one hundred forty-nine.... definitely not.
But I couldn't let him see that I didn't even have the math skills of a first grader, so I signed the stupid receipt.
I had better really, really, REALLY like my personal trainer.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I can't believe how many M&M's I just ate. I had tried not to let it come to this. When my brain was asking for something sweet, I had some juice with my morning snack.
Brain: "Not even close. C'mon give me something else."
Me: "You'll have to wait until later. I'm watching my carb intake."
Later, my brain was still nagging me for something sweet. So I cut up strawberries and had yogurt and granola. Very sweet, very yum. But was Brain satisfied?
Brain: "That was good."
Me: "I'm glad you liked it."
Brain: "What else you got that's sweet?"
Me: "What? I just gave you one of your favorites. It's the perfect amount of sweet without making Stomach feel sick."
Brain: "That's not gonna do it. I need something REALLY sweet."
I tried to ignore Brain. I went for a walk to the bank. I drank some water. I watched some TV, but all the time, there was an unsatisfied part of me, tugging at my nerve-endings like a spoiled child that wants a candy bar throwing a tantrum in the check-out line at a grocery store.
"Fine!" I thought as I reached for the bag hidden in the back of the cabinet. You could say I was giving in, but in another way, I was hatching my diabolical revenge. I knew I would feel sick afterward. That was sort of the point. I had to stop the incessant nagging of the craving somehow, and almost like a parent catching his/her teen smoking and forcing the kid to smoke the whole pack, I force-fed myself a sickening number of M&M's.
Mission accomplished. Brain is now rocking back and forth in a corner, so remorseful that it ever even asked for candy in the first place, that it won't make that same mistake for a good long while.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Like many people who have been overweight their entire lives, I've never danced. At least not since I was old enough to develop negative body image. At school dances, I milled about in the corner with my friends. I've never been to a club, and I've never really listened to music that could be "danced" to (though I did get very good at headbanging in high school. *tee hee*)
But I've watched my coworker taking belly dancing lessons for 5 years with buried jealousy. I wanted to try it, but always thought that I was way too fat for something like that. Who would want to watch me flub around on a stage? So, I thought, when I'm thinner, I'll do it.
But now, after doing some Zumba, and learning a few steps, I'm over it: I've decided that I want to learn to dance... NOW!
It's going to be a challenge, though. I am *not* graceful... I am *not* a dancer... But I *want* to be!
Maybe I can get the feet right, but if you ask me to do something else with my arms, the feet completely trip up. Want me to do something pretty and flow-y with my arms? Sure! Add in the feet, and I move like a rusted up Tin Man....
But despite my coordination shortcomings, I've gone to Zumba with unreasonable frequency, have delayed multiple Battlestar Galactica DVD's from Netflix in order to get dance workout DVD's, and have "danced" to the music on the radio while driving my car, which I'm sure has amused many a commuter.
And slowly--very slowly--things have become easier. My arms and feet don't fight with each other quite as much anymore. I catch on with new steps much faster, and can add some "flair" to the ones I already know.
Whenever I'm in zumba or belly dancing class, I get a big stupid grin on my face that doesn't want to go away. I've stopped holding back, stopped being embarrassed, stopped worrying about how it looks when a fat girl like me dances. I've let go, and am having the time of my life!
“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I couldn't believe it when I stepped on the scale this morning. I've reached (and am actually below) my "lie" weight of 180 pounds. This is the weight I've used since high school whenever anyone asked. I've used it on applications that required the information, on patient questionnaires for doctors (though they weigh you right then, so I'm not sure who I thought I was fooling.)
It's odd to be at a weight that I automatically and guiltily had blurted out for years when necessary. I almost feel like there's still a bit of unthruth there, but to see the reality of such a weight is fantastic! And as a bonus, my BMI is no longer obese. I am officially overweight now.
DO YOU HEAR THAT, WORLD? I'M OVERWEIGHT!!!! WOO HOO!!!!
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