Measuring Success In The Things We Don't (Won't) Do Anymore

Friday, November 04, 2011

I remember watching Biggest Loser (I think it was last season) and during a temptation, they had a room full of the foods that were the biggest triggers for the contestants - when Jenn (I think that was her name) pointed to macaroni and cheese (the boxed kind) and said "I used to eating mixing bowls of that" I remember thinking "uh, yeah, I can relate"

I've come a long way

sometimes, especially in the days when I lived alone, I would make a whole box for dinner with butter and whole milk, sometimes I would add a can of tuna and maybe some peas when I wanted to make it "healthy" - lol!

I have no idea what even one serving of it is now - I know if I even thought of eating it I would look first - I think there are probably 4 servings in a box, and they are between 300-400 a serving - wow

lately for lunch I've been having a little pasta - I cook 1 oz dry, add a cup of mushrooms that have been wilted down in the microwave with a touch of butter (and today, because I was feeling pretty adventurous, I added ham) - then I mix in the pasta, add a little white pepper and melt a piece of cheese on top - it is just over 300 calories (with ham, about 250 without) - and it is more than enough, plus really yummy (way yummier than the boxed cheese and mac)

why only 1 oz of dry pasta? well, pasta has a lot of calories, but I like pasta - so compromise :)

I do still eat it in the mixing bowl, just the tiniest one in the set, because it was my grandmother's and I like to think of her when I use it :)

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Love What You Have

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

today I found myself staring longingly at another Sparker's progress pictures - she had a tiny waist - a very tiny waist - I envied that waist

I carry most of my weight in my middle, that along with my girls is why my tops are always a size or so bigger than my bottoms

I have beautiful, slender legs, barely any hips, and a flat butt - and I love this about myself, now

the other day I tried pulling on a pair of my husband's pants and they actually fit over the thighs and pretty much the butt - it is the waist alone that makes them impossible

I then found myself thinking about the fellow Sparker with that adorable waist, and I wonder if she rejoices at how beautiful it is, or if she is fixated on some other part of herself that she finds flaw with - would she look at my pictures and envy my legs?

very likely

on this journey, we need to remember in kindness to love ourselves for who we are and how we are built - there are things about us (like height, or where our weight is distributed) that we can't change - and there are those things we can (like what we have for breakfast, or whether or not we work out today)

awareness of that difference may just be the key to happiness

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A Picture Worth A Thousand Words (but I'll give you a few of those too)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Last weekend we went to a harvest festival at a local goat dairy - while we were talking to our CSA farmer, this picture was snapped without my knowledge and appeared in another vendor's blog about the event:

my very first thought when I saw this today was "I look normal" - and then I kinda teared up

On a side note, I noticed my mother-in-law liked a picture of me and the kids that my husband had posted to Facebook - he talked to her last night when I was at Bollywood class - we haven't seen her in person since last October, and she said told my husband how good I looked, and how happy I looked too - that made me smile (ps, I have a good relationship with my mother-in-law, so her comment wasn't coming from a malicious place, but was very genuine)

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Journal: 5 Things I Do/Don't Have Control Over

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

(I have started journalling again daily, privately, in a paper journal - as part of my process of breaking through this mental place I am right now, I'm going to share the best insights from my journal and title them "Journal:" - these are mainly things I am coming up with on my own, if I get the idea from somewhere else, I will credit it)

5 Things I Have Control Over:

what I eat
what I drink
how I move my body
how much sleep I get
how I react (to people, situations, things)


5 Things I Don't Have Control Over:

my genetics
where I lose weight from
how others react
the passage of time
weather


I found it much harder to come up with "5 Things I Don't Have Control Over" - the "5 Things" that I do were easy and I could have just as easily come up with 5 more - hmm...interesting...

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Getting It Right In The Head: An Answer To APIRLRAIN888

Monday, October 24, 2011

If you read my last Watch Me Shrink blog entry, you may know that I have been feeling "stuck" lately and that I identified that I might be afraid

So then I read this inspiring blog from APIRLRAIN888 www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=4547598 and here is my personal journey answer to it:

Like Apirlrain888, when I started this journey, I just wanted to lose weight

But in a short time after joining and going through those starter exercises on the emails they send initially, I quickly came to understand that it wasn't going to be just about losing weight for me

It was going to be about taking my life back

Okay - that sounds dramatic

But it is true - when you are overweight through your teens and your entire adulthood - you kind of miss some things - or you let yourself miss some things because you become mired in your weight as identity

Time for a new identity

In comes the scared

I can't tell you exactly what I weighed in high school - I do remember that the smallest pants I ever wore in high school were a 13/14 and I adored those pants because they were so small - I mostly wore 16s and 18s - so I'm going to take a wild guess that in high school I was probably no lower than 215

Guess where I am stuck - scared - at this very moment - 215

Every time I put on my 12s, I stare at that tag - really? - maybe the numbers got reversed - no, they don't make 21s - but they do make 22s - I used to own a few pairs - and I wore out a few pairs

215 feels safe, because I know I've been here before - I had to have been on my way up to 280

Moving past 215 means going into uncharted territory - but didn't I do that when I took a chance on opening myself emotionally to the person I eventually married? didn't I do that too when I had kids? or when I went to college?

Maybe my weight is more a security issue for me because it has been with me all along - maybe I am afraid of losing myself if I lose the weight

But maybe I'll gain the real me, or better yet, the now me

I made a little side by side comparison picture of me at the start of this journey on March 8, 2011, and me earlier this month on October 17, 2011 - I realized that in those 7 months, my little boy has really changed - but I also realized that to thrive, he must grow, and so too, must I :)


Spark On My Lovlies!

And thanks Apirlrain888 - you are amazing!

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