Sunday, June 19, 2011
The past year I took myself from 218lbs to 169 to 189. I'm still ahead of the game in the loss department weight wise, but want to stop the upward climb. I started SparkPeople in the fall of 2010 & was really good until the holidays. After the holidays, I struggled a great deal. For some reason I was depressed after the holidays & got off track (actually lost weight over holidays, it was Jan that was bad). I finally got my act together though I started to feel unwell in March.
Weight loss slowed, then I finally went to the doctor. I was then informed that I needed to stop with the weight loss...at least for the next 7 1/2 months. I was so excited. Pregnancy has never come easily for me, with my son it took over a year of meds before I caught. Even then he was born over 16 weeks early, so he was in hospital for over 4 months. I had also had at least one miscarriage, so pregnancy is not a relax & glow with hope & dreams of future motherhood.
At just over 16 weeks I had a miscarriage. The last week I have been exhausted and in a great deal of pain. I had a lot of blood loss while in the hospital & have been directed to take it easy for the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately, this doesn't help take my mind of of my loss (granted, not much would, but...the urge to escape at least mentally for awhile is strong). I've been using books as my drug of choice. Books are better than any pharmaceutical for escaping mental anguish (& better for you in the long run), though they don't do so much for physical pain.
This next week I am starting over. I am going to try to concentrate on losing weight & getting in shape. I would rather be gaining weight for a good reason, but as I don't have a choice in the matter.... People have different methods of coping with grief & loss. I have a husband & son to take care of & can't afford to fall into a pit of despair. I am going to force myself to work on the things in life I can control. I will start cutting back on calories and begin taking water fitness again. I am at about 190lbs, I want to be the same weight I was in high school (125lbs, not too crazy for someone who is 5'1"), but with better body composition. I am also going to work on cleaning & organizing our apartment.
Am I self centered or shallow to look at weight loss after the loss of a child? Will house cleaning help with grief? I don't know...what I do know is that if I don't do something active I will just sit around & cry & eat junk food chased down by alcohol. That is not an acceptable way of life. I can't let down those that count on me....
Wish me luck.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I discovered what had been making me so tired. I was pregnant! I've had a very hard time getting pregnant & not very much luck with the pregnancies I've had. The weight loss helped me get pregnant without drugs. I was so happy!! Nervous but happy. I changed my weight loss goals but was still going to keep an eye on weight gain as I didn't want to lose a year's work (as I'm still at least 60-65lbs overweight I wasn't supposed to gain more than 15lbs during pregnancy). Some morning sickness (a lot actually), some odd cravings, exhaustion, heightened sense of smell, a great deal of joy & nervousness. All in all a pretty standard pregnancy. After we passed the first trimester (when 1 in 3-4 pregnancies end), we started to plan for names, holidays (I was due in Dec), guessing at gender etc.
The astute reader will have noticed my use of past tense. Sure enough, I am suffering for having hope & making the mistake of future planning. Last Sunday my water broke & Monday I delivered a dead baby.
I can do nothing but cry these days. I'm going to go back on the weight loss wagon. Food doesn't really sound good at present & exercise is supposed to make you feel better & help with stress so maybe it will be easier. I doubt it but it will give me something I can control...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I'm doing better on the diet front, but having such probs sleeping. To much stress (especially finacial) keeps me awake. Sick lil one (hello spring croup), I wake when he coughs. Seem so tired all of the time. I only feel like I have the energy to walk. Next week I'm forcing myself to swim class. I try not to drink too much caffeine but by mid afternoon, I'm draggin....Just want to sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
I can come to the realization that I need to eat more like my 3yr old. I always make sure he has fruits, veggies, & whole grains. He drinks mostly water (he doesn't care much for sweet drinks). He rarely sits in fronts of the TV, instead he dances to it. Going outside no matter the weather for a walk is one of his favorite things. When we go grocery shopping, he loves the produce section (OK, he also loves opening & closing freezer doors....). He eats when hungry & stops when he's full. Wishy-washy-ness is NOT a problem for this guy, he knows what he wants & goes for it. He loves to laugh & share laughter with others. Oh & he knows that cuddling with the ones you love is one of the best things EVER!
Oh & those afternoon naps? Grab 'em when you can!
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