Saturday, March 08, 2014
It's been a very long time since I've written a blog and I think I would feel a lot better to just get this out. I've gone through a lot of changes over the last several years, and I don't just mean the physically visual ones...I'm no longer with my ex, James. We broke up and after him I met Troy, who ended up being an awful, incredibly abusive and very detrimental relationship to my health and emotional state of mind. Thankfully, two years ago I got a dog, a black Pomeranian puppy that I got to keep me from ...being lonely. I had never felt so lonely in that relationship in my entire life than when I was single, because at least when I was single I was allowed to have friends...Sonic helped me to change my life, he gave me something to live for, to take care of, a reason to get up in the morning. I wanted to change my life for the better so that I could actually be there to take care of. I no longer felt lonely because I had a little dog who loved me, that was always happy to see me, was loyal, kind and caring which is far more than I can say for how my ex treated me. I still think, if I hadn't gotten Sonic I still might be trapped in that awful, wretched relationship...destroying my life. I have more love for my little dog than any stupid boyfriend ever. I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, I just need my little dog. He's like my fluffy child with fur. He sleeps on my bed beside me every night, goes for walks with me every-where...I never feel lonely or sad because I have this wonderful fluffy companion to take care of. Dogs really are your best friend. Anyone who says otherwise, never had a dog in their life to take care of and love.
Four years ago I reached my happy weight around September, 2010 I had made a blog entry but it was nothing spectacular. What [I]WAS[/I] spectacular...was how I felt. I felt great...I felt good. I felt like everything I wore finally looked good on me and that I didn't need to be embarrassed while wearing it because I no longer had my love handles bulging out over my jeans at my sides. When I gain weight...it goes right to my thighs and love handles. I don't know why they were ever called love handles...with the mass of jiggly flesh...who would [I]love[/I] to grab onto that? Certainly not I!...
So, back on topic. For the past four years since I was actively on spark people...I went through a series of depression and cycled through gaining a ton of weight then getting miserable with my body and making an effort to lose it all, over and over. Each time I got to my goal weight, I never felt better, nor happier than I was when I was at my goal weight. during those times It felt AMAZING! I had more energy. I had more spunk, and I especially had more confidence! I actually enjoyed clothes-shopping for cute, trendy and stylish clothing...all of which are now sitting neatly, folded away in my drawers un-used for quite a long time now since I have now deemed myself un-worthy to wear them....Or rather it's because I actually don't fit them anymore so my chub hangs out in a rather unsightly, lumpy looking sort of manner that is unbelievably embarrassing. So, because of this they lay tucked away, patiently waiting the day they can fit my slim, sculpted curves once again. I often day dream about the skinny me and torture myself with all the pictures that had been taken of me while I was in the best shape ever. It only makes me sad to see those pictures because it's a reminder of how good of shape I [I]WAS[/I] in, but it also makes me happy and gives me something to work for because I did it once before and that is the greatest thing of all. If I did it once before, nothing can stop me from doing it again! I WILL get there again, no matter what! I will work hard! Even if I cry, screw up, gain weight instead of lose, as long as I KEEP trying and NEVER give up I [I]WILL[/I] get there. It's the destiny that I've chosen for myself and I won't accept anything less nor stop until I've reached my goal...And even then, I won't stop because I will have to keep working hard to maintain! That was my problem. Once I had hit my goal weight I quickly fell back into old habits through a very destructive downward spiral of stress, depression, binge-eating and NO exercise what-so-ever. That combination would make ANYONE gain back all the weight they lost. It didn't help that I'd gotten sick a lot of the time too because I was stressed all the time, partly the fault of me not exercising which was really a vicious cycle that kept going back and forth until I ate my way into being twenty pounds heavier than I am supposed to be. Once again, I hide in hoodies and sweatpants. I practically live in the shade of black, I'm not got or emo' but, since black is slimming, it's what I wear. I have zero confidence. I can't stand to look at the jiggly blubber on my thighs and love-handles that I can grab handfuls of. I wouldn't be caught DEAD in a bathing-suit looking like this! My thighs jiggle and rub against each-other when I walk...It's uncomfortable. It's unattractive. I'm not happy with my body and I desperately want to change it. I want to change it and KEEP it the way that I work hard to change it to. I did it before, I can do it again..But this time...this time it will be different because I will NOT gain it all back after. I will KEEP on sparking every day after as if I still had all the weight to lose all over again (but with some modifications/adjustments since I will be eating and exercising to MAINTAIN my weight) I say this because I have no doubt in my head that I won't reach my goal. I can do this! I know I can! persistence is perseverance and perseverance is success.
I know that with the help of SparkPeople, I KNOW that I'll be able to reach my goal. Sparkpeople is truly an amazing, incredible tool for assisting one for getting back into shape, keeping track of calories, fitness, and many, many other things, but most of all...It's the people ON sparkpeople who can be the most help...The most inspiring and helpful, kind and caring people I've ever met I love this site...I know if I work hard, use my Spark every day it helps keep me in-line. I need that kind of boost to help me along. I think most people do...which is why I'm always happy to help anyone along the way that I can too. The sad thing is...most of my sparkfriends no longer come on sparkpeople, have abandoned their accounts or deleted them entirely...so...I was really hoping I could make some new friends here. I promise to be a good, supportive sparkfriend! I'm always happy to be an ear to listen, or share what I know when my friends need help. If anyone out there who's reading this would like to have me as a new sparkfriend, please, don't hesitate to leave a comment on my sparkpage, my blog, or PM. I'd love to have you as a friend!
Monday, March 21, 2011
So, here in canada it is the second day of spring so I'm going to get crackin' and start running! I'm very excited to be back on sparkpeople. My little laptop screen is /almost/ too small for the nutrtion calculator...I'm on a ten inch compaq mini that fits perfectly on my lap. It's a really cute laptop, and it's lightning fast so it makes up for it since it performs so well.
I am going back to the free running track at about 4pm when james comes to pick me up. everyday, I am going to run 5 days a week, monday to friday. Since I am out of shape again from not being active this winter I am going to start small, with one mile minimum to run today and I will see how well I do. I'm pretty excited...after the first couple weeks I will feel great!
There's a lot of things I want to be in shape and fit this summer for, so I gotta start now and not let myself down. I look forward to seeing all my sparkfriends back on here too!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Hey there, I just wanted to let all my sparkfriends know I miss you a lot and I wish I could come online every day and update my spark like I used to... Problem is, BOTH of my computers are now broken and I RARELY ever get access to come online.
There IS good news however. I managed to FINALLY get a new job at Office Depot. I JUST got this job after months of searching and applying for about 30 jobs per week (I kid you not!)...BUT finally! I have a job. Which means...I get money again! I am saving up and my super nerd friend who programs and builds computers for a living is going to help me build a super computer!!! We are going to order all the parts online. This computer is going to be so high-tech and powerful (I will be paying about $1500 for parts, which doesn't include the monitor) if I wanted to sell this computer, it's worth store-wise would be about $4,000! Buuut, I WON'T be selling it! I will be using it for gaming and sparking again just like I used to!!!
It's going to take me a couple paychecks/couple months to save for the cost of building my new computer. As soon as it is built, I am for sure coming back to spark and getting into shape again because I am very lazy without it!
I also stopped going to the gym because my gym membership was cancelled as I could no longer afford to pay for it without a job. I even moved again to get away from a very sick and disgusting roommate so now I am far away from the free running track. (This makes me very sad) However, I am planning to join a new gym soon as I will have money to be able to afford to join a gym again! I'm not going back to my old gym, I'm bored of it and I want to join a new one to keep me interested.
I'm pretty sure I gained a bit of weight back from being stressed out I turned to comfort food. I'm afraid to step on the scale... :( I'm going to try and start working on this now even though I can't record what I am doing on sparkpeople...What I COULD do is carry around a journal with me and start recording everything in that until I get my new computer up and running and then I can be online EVERY DAY!
Anyways, I wanted to share with you all my Savannah monitor taming and training videos on youtube that I have made 100% myself. My little Savira is growing up very fast! One day she will be very big! Please check out my channel. I think you will be amazed and surpised at how tame and friendly monitor lizards can really be if you take the time to spend with them, to love them and teach them that humans are their friends and as a result you have a pet lizard that is dog tame! As I am typing this even, my Savira is calmly resting on my lap. www.youtube.com/user/KhaosSavira?fea
ture=mhum I hope you enjoy them as much as I had fun making them.
I look forward to returning to sparkpeople as soon as I can build my new computer and all that fun stuff. See you all soon!
Love you guys!
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
I've been away from spark-people for quite some time. My computer was broken, still is. My friends are going to help me fix it for me when I move. I'm now in the process of moving so I'm not quite sure when I'll have internet...I guess we'll see. I'm moving this week into a beautiful new home with lovely roommates. I've got a huge cozy room and I can't wait to decorate it! It will be peaceful and quiet and I'll be able to do my art like crazy!
I feel like I'll finally have the freedom to get back to being myself again, being healthy, artistic and active...lately I've been depressed, lazy, and uncreative...I've been stuck in a rut, very depressed and hating where I live and hating how badly I am treated by the people I live with...If only you could hear the things they say and do to me that I don't even do anything to deserve to receive such treatment! It's completely unprovoked...I thought this was my family...I guess I was wrong...but it doesn't matter, the people I love and who love me back are my real family even if they're not related by blood. I'd do anything for them, and they'd do the same for me. So I guess I do have a family after all. I've pretty much disowned all of my blood family now for their terrible treatment to me all except my sister...such is life...I suppose. I'm glad I have her, and my best friends. I love them all dearly, and of course my pets too!
I can't wait for this change. I hate where I live right now. It's so far away from everything that I never feel like doing anything...but when I move to my new home I'm close to everything! The club, fitness classes, yoga classes, all sorts of awesome fitness stuff I can get involved in! I really can't wait. With my beautiful new home it will be hard to stay indoors for the remainder of the summer.
When I get everything all set up I want to fully return to spark-people, take control of my life and eat healthier and get back into exercising because honestly I haven't exercised truly for weeks and I feel lazy and depressed about it. I want to get fit again...I'm at my goal weight, but you know what? My muscle tone is crap. My skin and muscles should be firm and tight, but no...I'm just lean with...with...lack of...lack of muscle tone. So it's just kinda squishy...I hate it.
I want my muscle tone and firm skin healthy feeling body back. Only that can come from healthy eating and regular exercise...for the most part I've been eating fairly healthy...but I have not been exercising at all. This needs to change. This I promise to improve, and when I move I will have no excuses not to!
So I guess that's all for now, I'm really tired and I need to get to bed so I can spend the day packing!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
LAST ENTRY (6/14/2010)
Weigh yourself: 106 - 6/14/2010
Measure your Waist: 24.5 - 6/14/2010
Measure your Hips: 33.5 - 6/14/2010
Measure your Thigh: 19.5 - 6/14/2010
Measure your Calf: 13 - 6/10/2010
Measure your Neck: 12 - 6/10/2010
Measure your Ankle: 7 - 6/11/2010
Measure your Bust: 30 - 6/10/2010
Get An Email Alert Each Time ARARAIDER Posts