Monday, June 09, 2014
Since my last blog entry in October, I have lost 52 lbs and dropped 3 clothing sizes. Last I measured, back in May, I had also lost 16 inches (I'm due to remeasure) total. Excercising is easier and more enjoyable weighing less and I'm gaining confidence with trying new activities, like riding my bike around the neighborhood with the kids rather than loading it in the car and driving far away where no one knew me to ride it:) I also find myself feeling more confident in social situations, not avoiding eye contact with people, and I've actually had a hard time adjusting to the onslaught of attention weight loss brings...I've discovered that I don't handle compliments gracefully, but find myself blushing and changing the subject. I've gotten rid of probably 3 garbage bags of clothes that don't fit me anymore, been able to wear a lot of things that had been stuffed in the back of my closet for years that never fit me, and even THOSE clothes are now falling off of me. I'm surprised that the arthritis pain in my knee has not decreased, however, and am still in a lot of pain which hinders the length and intensity of my excercise activities. I WANT TO RUN DAMNIT!!!! lol I was just updating my sparkpage and realized that I am 5 lbs away from meeting the last of my short term goals for my medium term goal of getting from 257 to 200 lbs!!!! Looks like I'll be updating my goals this weekend!!!!!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
I.....am an emotional wreck. It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way. Self-depreciating thoughts attack me from all angles. Self-consciousness bordering on paranoia are at an all time high. I feel like a failure.
I've been going to physical therapy for my knee for a couple of months now (tendonitis at the top, arthritis in two places, and a 3 inch cyst in the back). It's helping the tendonitis located at the top of my knee, but my knee joint will never be better. Arthritis doesn't go away, especially when it is nearly bone on bone. Right now, I'm doing all I can to avoid a knee replacement, which the orthopedic doctor told me is probably in my future. He also told me that for every pound I lose, it takes 8 lbs of pressure off of my knees. I'm 37 years old, not 87. Underneath all of this fat and arthritis is an athlete. I know there is. I long to walk long distances and to run 5K's, but it's hard to do that when walking around the block causes severe pain and limping.
I'm tired of the well-wishers. The people who are trying to be surface-level supportive, but really just make me feel like crap - I know this is my issue, not theirs. Like my Mom who is now an empty nester and walking on a regular basis and has lost 40 lbs. I'm so proud of her, and happy for her. But, she gives me all her fat clothes and then talks about how much weight she is losing. I know it is without ill-intent...and I'm so grateful to not have to buy new clothes this winter, but it's like a knife to the gut every time.
And then, there's my co-worker - a friend of mine actually. She's thin. And single. And has no kids. She doesn't have the constraints of having to work around other people's schedules. If she wants to go to the gym at 10:00 PM, off she goes. She doesn't understand how little time I have to myself. Or that I'm homebound in the evenings/nights because my husband works 2nd shift, so I can't just pick up and go to the gym. And I feel judged by her because I keep failing to lose weight. The "are you still_____?", "why don't you just______?', "how come you don't_____?" comments are not helpful.
I feel that sense of disdain when people look at me.....I often feel embarrassed, ashamed, and I don't want to go places. I just can't seem to get by the emotional part of weight loss. It has always been my biggest barrier. And now I have a bum knee that restricts my activity. I have been contemplating bariatric surgery. I don't want bariatric surgery. But, I have a consult appointment next week. Scheduling that appointment made me feel weak, like a failure. I don't know if I'm going to go thru with going to the appointment...but then if I don't go, I know I will feel like I wasted another opportunity.
I feel stuck.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I just realized that I first joing SP in December 2007. I've made several attempts to get healthy in the last five years, some attempts lasting longer than others, but I've never stuck with it. I think I've learne a little something along the way with each attempt and maybe, just maybe, I had to falter several times before I was going to succeed.
I don't know what it is..but this time FEELS different. I'm in a different place mentally and emotionally. And while the world keeps throwing me curveballs, I keep getting stronger. I'm stronger in my faith. I have more confidence than ever. And I have finally decided to treat myself the way I treat everyone else around me. I have several reasons to want to lose weight and I need to start writing them down as I think of them, but here are my top 10 reasons so far:
1. I want to not hurt all the time. I want my knees and back to stay in alignment and not to have to carry around the weight of another person.
2. I want to be around for my children.
3. I want to run and play with my children. I want them to someday look back at this time in their lives and remember all the fun things we did together (maybe then it will help them forget all the times I yell...)
4. I want my kids to be proud of me, to see how hard I've worked and to learn that they can do anything they set their minds on.
5. I want to learn how to deal with stress with healthy choices.
6. I want to be able to use a regular sized towel after a shower, swimming, etc.
7. I want to look better for my 20th high school reunion in June June 2014.
8. I want to finally be able to wear the pants that "almost fit" and have been hanging in my closet for 5 years with the tags on.
9. I want to prove my husband wrong.
10. I want to learn to be patient and to lose weight the healthy way.
Monday, January 28, 2013
I had an unexpected day off from work today due to my kids' school being closed for the snow/ice storm that came through. And, due to circumstances beyond my control, I didn't do my work out during the day like I should have. I hadn't worked out since Thursday, actually, and I'm surprised that the weekends/day's off are harder for me to work out than during the full-time work week. I was tempted to turn in early tonight with the idea of doing tonights workout tomorrow, but I shouted at myself "you wil NEVER get up at 5 AM" and forced myself to do a quick 1 mile WATP video. I'm back on track with my eating today and feel that I made overall better choices. I still find myself reaching for snacks like cheese sticks or yogurt instead of fruit or veggies though, so I have to work harder this week to incorporate them into each meal.
Despite it all, I'm down a total of 4 lbs in two weeks, so I couldn't be happier!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Well, I've overloaded on carbs the last two days....relying way too heavily on pasta-based meals (my go-to comfort meal). Despite this, I've stayed to appropriate portion sizes and have been WAY more conscious of what I eat during the day. Today, I said "I'm going to have either one of those cookies or a cup of coffee, but not both", chose the cup of coffee, and stuck with that choice. I also came to the realization that I use about 150 calories a day on coffee/coffee creamer. I've tried other alternatives to the creamer, but they just don't taste good to me so I have to come to a hard decision about my daily vice. Honestly, only two weeks in, I already feel more energized during the day and haven't really been craving/needing the coffee like I did before. I'm going to try to cut out at least one cup a day for now (I usually have two "doses" - one in the AM and one after lunch, but each cup is actually 16 oz).
Goals for tomorrow:
1. Hold off on coffee until after lunch, drink water during the morning.
2. Plan meals for the next two weeks and make a grocery list.
3. 2-mile walk
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