Friday, October 15, 2010
Are you ever sitting waiting for happiness to find you? WooHoo, happiness, I'm over here! Come and get me is what I think on occasion. Then I stop and think, this is totally absurd. Intellectually I know that in order to be happy, I have to live, laugh and love. I have to act alive and be involved in life. I have to risk being hurt and put myself out there a little. I also have to stop letting people walk all over me. I have to put myself at the top of the list, own my behavior and take care of my needs. All of that can feel really uncomfortable because I'm not used to it. I need to get over that.
How easy it is to give in to old patterns even when they are detrimental to my own mental and physical health. If I make plans and someone else needs something, I let my plans go right out the window in favor of theirs. I've even caught myself feeling resentful when the reverse was the case and do you think the other people changed their plans? You get three guesses here, and the answer isn't yes. The point I'm trying to make is that the fault isn't with them, it's with me. Unless the house is on fire or someone needs to go to the hospital, why am I always sliding my plans for myself down the list?
Why do I always consider everyone else more important than I ? In my case I decided to do a closer study. I actually tracked the pattern of this behavior back to childhood. It started when I was about 3-4 years old believe it or not!!! Shocking as it may seem, my pattern is a very old and established one. During discussions with several of my friends, some of them (not all but some) could track the same type of "training" early into their childhoods. Now the trick is how to undo it. I think this is easier said than done. Since I'm no spring chicken, we're dealing with long established patterns here.
Spark People says to start with baby steps. That sounds good to me. I consulted some professionals in the field for people who want to make changes and they said pretty much the same thing. Small steps, change a little bit at a time. Small changes add up over time. Be patient, don't rush and practice, practice, practice.
So here I am a few steps closer to my goal. Weekday mornings are reserved for me and my exercise, period. If people need me, I'm available after eleven thirty. And you know what? It didn't hurt a bit!
I feel less resentful and more happy. I'm at the top of my list. I'm living, laughing more (not as much as I'd like but I'm getting there) and I'm more loving towards myself (I've always been loving towards others). I'm making progress!