Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I am going to make a conscious effort today through Sunday to be gentle with myself. Sunday is Father's Day and my father passed away 6 months ago. I am going to set aside some time to grieve for him this week. I know that it will be hard but if I do it in small units, maybe I can cope a bit better. I don't want to spoil the day for my hubby, so I'll do my grieving when he's not home. I'm sure he'll be able to tell (he's very perceptive) because I will be somewhat subdued as I go through this process. I know that I haven't grieved properly and it will catch up with me if I don't work through it. My father was a very difficult, sometimes very abusive man; especially to his two daughters. My brother acted like a jerk and denied me any closure with my father's death. He didn't call me when the doctor said to get all of the family together because they knew Dad was going to die. In fact, even when Dad died, he didn't call me to tell me and kept my aunt from doing it . He emailed my daughter four days later and said that her grandfather had died. My daughter was devastated. She then had the task of calling my sister and me and telling us the news. My aunt was furious with my brother because she would have called but he said he'd do it. This has caused a large rift in our family. To this day, my brother has never mentioned Dad's death to my sister. When we were growing up, my brother and I were very close. Once he attended Harvard, he became a self righteous snob. He may be a CEO and have a million dollar home but my home is filled with love and his is empty. In some ways when I'm not feeling angry with him, I feel sorry for him. I know he was close to Dad and this year will be difficult for him too. My brother has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't need me in his life but he just doesn't realize that his will be that much more empty. His loss. My sister and I have each other to help us through it. We both have many past traumas to work through. My brother hides from his. It's a sad situation, I pity him. This week I will be strong and I will work through my problems. I will focus on me and treat myself as I would a treasured friend. I will emerge from this stage of my life, a much stronger and more loving individual.