Monday, December 12, 2011
Today's weight was 162.2..........I try to not get discouraged. Sometimes I wonder if happiness just isn't meant for me. Like I don't desearve it. I know I am playing the negative tapes in my mind and am trying to block them out. That is easier said than done. The only thing I can say is that for this moment, I have the energy and courage to continue on this path.
I was raised in a strick christian home and that is how I raised my daughters. Sometimes I think I have a problem with the "all or nothing" concept. I know I need to accept that I will never be perfect and all that means is that I am normal. Growing up it seemed like my parents were the epiotomy of perfection. Of course as a child we must all think that way. Now I am 55 and still trying so hard to be that perfect child. Craving acceptance, even though I always felt loved, I guess I didn't learn how to love myself. If I experience any kind of rejection those bells and wistles go off that I am just not good enough. How can I expect anyone to love me when I find it so difficult to love myself. I attempt to overplease which makes me unhappy and causes any one in my life to be smothered. Then it is back to isolation. Will I ever figure this out?????"?
On the good side, in this last week, since my recent breakup I have lost 9.6 pounds. I don't expect anything like that to continue but I am so very greatful. Water weight, anything lost, I'll take it.