ANNTORR53   24,884
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Big step in growth

Monday, January 30, 2012

In my last entry I shared how my brother and I do not get along. I normally get mad, hold my feelings inside until I blow. Well this time I am taking a different approach. My mother asked me today if I would be willing to counsel with our pastor. I was elated at the idea. She asked if I would tell the truth about everything. I agreed. Then after she wants my brother to meet with him to get his side. For the first time I am standing up to the bully in my life. i no longer want to hide my feelings behind food or a glass of wine. I am willing to take whatever I need to hear. His wife posted today on facebook that I am nothing but trailer trash. I purchased my first home when I was 19 years old. Please pray for me and that God will give me the strenght to not fold under pressure. My bloodpressure rises everytime something like this happens. This is something I finally have to do for myself, even if I fail. The men I date and work with also bully me. It is not their fault. It is mine. I was such a daddys girl that I never learned how stand up for myself. i get scared and cower in a corner. I don't exactly know how I came across spark people. It was totally by accident and I have not lost my weight but in reading some of the struggles others have gone through I have somehow empowered myself or I should say God is using sp to teach me valuble life lessons. Thank you all.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SJG1953 2/3/2012 12:57AM

    I am so glad for your decision to work things out if you can. I will be praying for you. I know God will help you through this. emoticon

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NELLIEC 1/31/2012 2:45PM

    This is something that I have had to learn also. I was definitely the shy kid, who was afraid to stand up for herself. But it is not entirely fair to blame yourself completely, since there are people who do enjoy bullying! It is one of those things where both sides need to learn better people skills!

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SHUTRBUG1 1/30/2012 11:40PM

    I'm rooting for you!

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    Hugs & Prayers to you! It's so hard when we get into these patterns.

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90 year old mom

Thursday, January 26, 2012

My mom called me this am at 6:00. I was too asleep to anwser the phone. She and I and my brother had a falling out about 1 month ago. My brother is mean and abusive and I was hurt because she didn't defend me. She aske me to leave her house. Her mind has always been sharp as a tack. Well I finally spoke to her today. She has no memory of the incidence. She told me how weak she is and that she feels this is the end. My brother and family are living with her right now. I stayed with her for 5 years and burned out. I refuse to go over there as long as my brother is there. He grabbed my arm and draged me out of the house. I am in a quandry. I knows she needs and wants me but I have been verbally and physically abused by my brother since I was a little girl. I just will not tolerate it anymore. I think he needs to feel what it is like to care for her without me. My mother wants me to forgive but forgiveness doesn't mean you forget. His wife posted on facebook that I am trying to kill my mom. I did not respond. I have been getting calls from many family members because everyone knows she is closest to me. There is so much more involed. I need feedback. I want to show I am not that weak little girl anymore. He has taken over all of her finances and her homes. I have no say in anything. She had an open rental and he would not let me rent it. I went to an apartment for the first time in my life and was assaulted. I am just venting.......thak you for reading. I just want to stuff my face with food.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FREEME1980 1/27/2012 9:19PM

    Don't go alone. Agree to visit with your mother but without your brothers presence. He doesn't need to be standing over you when you're spending time with your mother. Say everything you need to say to her. Bring her lunch and have lunch with her. Spend quality time. If you brother says anything to you just ignore and let who ever is there with you to address him. If he places his hands on you, call the police and have him arrested. That will send the message that you will no longer take his abuse and he will have to back off. Wish I could be there with you, I may be short but I have a lot of spunk!

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    I agree. If you can find it within yourself to go over, take someone with you or find a neutral place for someone to bring her to you. You are right...we don't forget even when we forgive. You can't put yourself in harms way. Hugs!!!

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    This is an awful situation. Your mom is 90, and you won't have many more years to spend time with her. It would be an awful shame for your brother to deprive you of enjoying your mom's last days.

On the other hand, after a lifetime of verbal and physical abuse at his hands, I can certainly appreciate your not wanting to subject yourself to that anymore.

I like SHUTRBUG's suggestion to take someone with you---other family members for instance...and they can run interference with your brother while you have some quality one-on-one visiting time with your mom.

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SHUTRBUG1 1/26/2012 7:44PM

    I am so sorry you are going through this. You have the right to see your mom without your brother or other abusive people around. Would your mom tell him he has to leave while you visit? Can you ask a friend (preferably a big, strong one) to go with you? I wonder what would happen if you asked a police officer to go with you to do a welfare check on your mom?

Would some of the family members who have been calling you be willing to go with you in a group to see your mom?

I know it has to be so hard, but I hope you find a way. My mom died when she was 55, and I would give anything to have just one more visit with her. I think its best to do what you have to do now, and live without regret later.

Good luck to you, dear.

Comment edited on: 1/26/2012 7:45:31 PM

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ANDIEBM71 1/26/2012 7:11PM

    Wow- that is an awful thing to have to go through! Is there a way that you may be able to see your mom without having to see your brother? Is his wife nice? Maybe she could help arrange a meeting without him!? While I don't have much advice, I hope you find the answers that your looking for. emoticon

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So Hard on Myself

Saturday, January 07, 2012

It is 2a, in the morning. I woke up wemt downstairs amd had some yogurt. Now I am internaly beating myself up. "I will never loose. i have gained since starting sp" others loose but me I just a looser". I don't excersise. This isn't meant for me......blah, blah blah.......Then I stop to think what I would say to my daughter if she was saying these things to me about herself...........Well that is completly differrent. I would tell her that the beauty of it all is that she can leave that behind her and do better tomorrow, There is always a chance to keep going.

Hummm. I would speak so differently to her. I would tell her how wonderful she is and that she has alot on her plate and offer ideas on better meal planning and recipies. I would offer to take small walks with her. She has phsoris Rhuetoid athritis and in on chemo. Many days she only has enough energy to get downstairs, and sleep on the couch all day. Her biggest side affect are migtains. I was dying her gair this evening and I could see so many bald spots. She lost her hair last year but it grew back. Now for some reason it is happening again.

I just wish I could love myself 1/10 of howmuch I love her.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SJG1953 1/8/2012 12:41AM

    Ann, I wish you could take all the things you would advise for your daughter if it was her that was in your shoes and accept those things for yourself as well. God is looking down upon you and those are the things that He would say to you for He loves you more than the human mind can comprehend!

Prayers are going up for you and your precious daughter. May God hold you in the palm of His hand and give you strength and grace.

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NELLIEC 1/7/2012 2:44PM

    Unfortunately when we look at ourselves, we tend to see our flaws. Yet when we look at those we love, we see wonderful things!

Remember that God loves you and He no longer looks at your flaws! Keep following Him!

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December 12, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Today's weight was 162.2..........I try to not get discouraged. Sometimes I wonder if happiness just isn't meant for me. Like I don't desearve it. I know I am playing the negative tapes in my mind and am trying to block them out. That is easier said than done. The only thing I can say is that for this moment, I have the energy and courage to continue on this path.

I was raised in a strick christian home and that is how I raised my daughters. Sometimes I think I have a problem with the "all or nothing" concept. I know I need to accept that I will never be perfect and all that means is that I am normal. Growing up it seemed like my parents were the epiotomy of perfection. Of course as a child we must all think that way. Now I am 55 and still trying so hard to be that perfect child. Craving acceptance, even though I always felt loved, I guess I didn't learn how to love myself. If I experience any kind of rejection those bells and wistles go off that I am just not good enough. How can I expect anyone to love me when I find it so difficult to love myself. I attempt to overplease which makes me unhappy and causes any one in my life to be smothered. Then it is back to isolation. Will I ever figure this out?????"?

On the good side, in this last week, since my recent breakup I have lost 9.6 pounds. I don't expect anything like that to continue but I am so very greatful. Water weight, anything lost, I'll take it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NELLIEC 12/13/2011 8:09PM

    It is difficult when one is a perfectionist. I struggle with that myself, but am doing better now that I am older.

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SJG1953 12/13/2011 12:46AM

    emoticonon the weight loss!! Hang in there my friend! God will fill in the gap and send someone your way. Look to Him and trust Him. He will NEVER fail you! Hugs and prayers, Shirley

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Thursday, December 08, 2011

Weighed in at 163.....Didn't excersise as I fell asleep 15 minutes after I got home from work last night. I needed it. I miss the guy I was dating.........crud....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HONDABLONDE 12/10/2011 5:23AM

    you will get stronger -- honest!

Huge huggggs,

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SJG1953 12/10/2011 2:19AM

    emoticon emoticon on the weight loss!!

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NELLIEC 12/8/2011 5:24PM

    While you did need the exercise, it also sounds like you needed sleep.

It is difficult when a relationship isn't going any more. I am sorry to hear that.

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CONNIED29 12/8/2011 3:42PM

    I'm sorry you are missing him. It can take a toll physcially. Keep your chin up!! emoticon

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