ANJII7   13,969
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ANJII7's Recent Blog Entries

Av2k.0

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

It is so frustrating to know what I can do and that I can do it but keep NOT Doing it!!
When I offer tools to clients who dont use them, refuse resources, turn away support, etc., its hard to watch their apathy and complacency toward growth and willingness to stay stuck. Here I am, doing the same thing.
I went to a great seminar on nutrition last night. The presenter, with all sorts of certifications as a food and fitness trainer, said that 90percent of the weight loss battle is emotional. This was further proven by the fact that nearly EVERYONE had at least one written question about how to quit emotional eating. The idea of making food emotionless, of not seeking comfort in food, in not making food into your therapist, is one that plagues most women. So when food becomes the way that we cope, we are going to turn to it for every.little.thing. Celebration, reward, hurt, punishment I have done all of these and more using food.
I requested suggestions for working out with chronic pain (hip, neck, shoulder are all fighting me right now). She said to take some time off. I couldnt do that, I explained, I would gain weight. Why is that, she asked. Because I eat too much.
Simple as that people. I eat too much.
The trainer said well you know what the problem is then, and reminded me that I cant out-workout a bad diet. Well damn if I dont try! And then Im sore and everything hurts, and I dont want to workout as hard. Burning 300kcal in 30 minutes on the elliptical is NOTHING compared to the 2000kcal in 4 pieces of pizza that takes me 3 minutes to eat.
So I have lots of freggies, all cut up and ready to take to work. Tons of salad goodies (bc I will eat what I like and I like me some salad!) and Saturday is my cheat day. I need to readjust my smoothies to decrease calories (Im NOT giving up fruit: If I cant drink, have cheese/yogurt/ice cream and chocolate is a special treat not daily treat, you can bet that Ill risk the sugar from a strawberry!). I need to plan ahead. I need to do this the way I know how. The way that works. And give ME 110% rather than focusing all my energy elsewhere. There is no excuse for not treating myself the way I want to be treated. And if someone else was as disrespectful of my body and health as I am, no way Id stand for it.
So, its Angie v2k.0 (yes as in 2000). I dont know what tomorrow will look like, but today I am winning.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLESSED2BEME 7/25/2012 1:41PM

    Somehow I am missing what the title to your blog means! I'm sure when I figure it out I'll have a 'duh' moment!

I have the same problem - I just plain love to eat - for every reason on this earth and when I have all my comfort foods taken away from me I fight it tooth and nail! Actually I think the devil is just taunting me with it.

I mean I like healthy food so why can't I live on that and be happy?

You have given a lot of food (theres that word again) for thought! Thank you!

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KATHIERAE 7/25/2012 12:26PM

    I cant out-workout a bad diet~damned if I haven't been trying to do the same thing all this time!! Just need to work longer, harder, more intense... and then when the depression slams me and I quit on life in general the pounds pile back on.

Thanks so much for sharing YOUR lessons learned so I can learn from you!! And awesome job coming back so strong and well equipped!! You'll win the whole war this time!!!! emoticon emoticon

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THE_NEW_MELISSA 7/24/2012 5:35PM

    Awesome!

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 7/24/2012 5:30PM

    Cheers to winning!

Welcome back!

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Honesty can be ugly

Sunday, June 17, 2012

I am having a BLAH day.
It's been quite a long while since I have felt this bad about myself, dwelling on how bad I look, I fat I am, how slow I am, how lazy I am. I can't say exactly where it's coming from though the 15 pounds I've gained this year is likely part of the problem. It's hard to admit that I am in the process of failing when I worked so hard to win. And even worse I feel so out of control that I'm not moving the ship back toward success. I just feel like I'm going down with it.
I don't want to sit here and just be negative because I really try to avoid being that person. I'm crying in my house and probably going to retire early because I just can't handle being sad any more today. I may not deserve it but please lift me in your good juju tonight, I hope to see some success this week and feel like I'm back in a good place.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARIO432 7/2/2012 12:51AM

    Hope things are going better for you.

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SPARKLISE 6/23/2012 9:15PM

    Just read this and I'm sorry you're feeling so down! emoticon
Try being more active-that sometimes help with being depressed. emoticon
Focus on what you can do and going ahead a little at a time!
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KATHIERAE 6/18/2012 2:44PM

    Wow, Sunday was a day for ugly honesty for me too. I have regained too and just finally feel like I really do need to stop that upward trend. I don't have control either, over ANYTHING and I guess that's ok. Life is in God's hands and that's a pretty good place to be! That being said, it IS up to me to lift the fork, or not. I need to remember that tomorrow there will be food, not just today, so I do NOT have to eat it all today!

Let's do this together, sister! Baby steps for sure, but steps just the same... emoticon

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LISA01605 6/18/2012 8:02AM

    I hope you are feeling better today! I have found myself in the same place from time to time. I have times when I am filled with motivation and drive and then other times when I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I think it is all just part of living. The good and the bad. I hope the tide turns for you soon.

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 6/18/2012 6:36AM

    ♥ .* ) ..*) -::-
(. ;..♥ Sprinkling about ♥.*)
♥.*-::-. ;..♥ -::-
♥ .* even more of that.*) -::-
♥.*-::-. ;..♥ -::-
(. ;..♥ positive juju dust♥.*)
♥.*-::-. ;..♥ -::-
-::-
)) -::-
. .))
((. .. You are worthy of continual joyous growth ..'))-::-
-::- ((.*




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ANJII7 6/18/2012 12:28AM

    Thank you.

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BLESSED2BEME 6/17/2012 11:42PM

    I will be praying for you along with that juju. I love the comment here about how do you eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time. So true! One step at a time you can turn this around.

Tell yourself that you deserve to work towards better health. Tell you support system (the humans in your personal life) that you need them to work with you.

I hope you get good rest, wake up tomorrow and start your day off with a positive thought about where you can take your journey. I know for me that spending more time here on sp reading other peoples' blogs and participating in stuff here helps me to stay grounded and focused.

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HAPPYSOUL91 6/17/2012 10:22PM

    Remember that old line "how do you eat a whole elephant"....one bite at a time. This is what you need to do when you feel this way. Start with 1 thing and do it, build from there. Tomorrow is another day, make it count

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CATS_MEOW_0911 6/17/2012 10:11PM

    Of course you deserve some positive juju--I hope tomorrow is better for you and that you realize that all of those things you though about yourself are completely false.

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Kicking fear out of my life

Thursday, June 14, 2012

I have been in a pretty pathetic cycle lately: feel bad about my weight/body, eat crap, anxiety about eating crap, feel bad about my body, eat crap. Repeat. For 30+ years.
See the cute girl in my profile pic on here? She is hiding out. There is not much glow to my skin or eyes. I no longer entertain any thoughts of my potential attractiveness and a 'come hither' to the camera is far out of my range. In fact at my Zumba master class last week (2 hours of sweaty fun!) the super-hot instructor who was dancin' up on me threw me so off. I mean, why would a man be dancing with me EVER!? (cue 8th grade dances). I told him I couldn't see the instructor and he boogied off.
One of the greatest fears I've had ever since starting Spark is to be completely honest and authentic on this journey. When I was not doing well, I simply went away. I didn't blog, didnt log in, and didn't have to look at myself for what was truly going on. I've shared my fitness calendar publicly since day 1. I am PROUD of my fitness minutes. I have kicked a lot of butt and sweated lots of minutes. In the last year, I've run, been injured, learned to shake my booty and punch out a bag. The support and kudos yall provide about my fitness is the BEST.
Sharing my food journal, now that is one I'm not quite so honest about. For one, there is the binging and purging to consider. Since this has always been a source of shame, embarassment and fear in my life, I sure don't want anyone else to know what I'm purging. And since binging has also been a source of shame, embarassment and fear, I don't want anyone to know what that looks like either.
Well, recently I was asked to be a food-journal buddy. Gulp. In response to my 'asking for help' blog, someone asked ME for help. And helping others is one of the great joys in my life. So I am thrilled to do it. But making my food journal public scares the crap out of me.
Which is exactly why I'm doing it. To hold myself accountable by knowing that others will witness (virtually at least) my pasta binge, will cheer on my positive choices, and brainstorm how to ride the line of moderation (see: housewarming party 6/16, featuring beer, brats and cupcakes). Others will know how much I blow my calorie allowance, and how hard I try to stay within it. My fruit smoothies may become legend, or maybe correction. And although the fear and anxiety and shame are strong right now, I know that just like with my fitness log, sharing my food log will eventually be the best thing for me. By shining a light on my food log, I hope to bring more light into my light, and blind out the fear.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKLISE 6/14/2012 4:06PM

    Good for you for moving ahead even if you are scared!
That is emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 6/14/2012 2:04PM

    I, too, admire your honesty and the challenge you accepted for yourself as an act of tough love! It is great you didn't disappear but came out with your true feelings! I, too, tend to disappear if I am not being perfect! What the he'll is that? I have to be perfect to be acceptable!? I think so! I have stayed with SP, but it takes courage to be honest!
Glad you are here! Let me know if I can help!
Hugs!
Mary emoticon

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CATS_MEOW_0911 6/14/2012 12:37PM

    You have had some wonderful insights. I would say, you should be PROUD to share your struggles. For yourself, it will help you keep perspective. For others, they will relate to you and know they are not alone, and in turn will be able to look deeper within themselves. Shame and embarrassment can transform into life-changing lessons, at least that is what I have experienced.

Having a tracker buddy is the best idea ever. One of my SparkPals and I have been tracker buddies for a few months and it has helped immensely. We don't judge what one another is eating or get on each other for how much we're eating--the point is simply to track honestly.

I love the honesty in this blog, and it took courage to write about these feelings.
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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 6/14/2012 12:35PM

    Cheers to food journals, honesty and kicking fear out our lives!!

Let's get it DONE!

-M

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BLESSED2BEME 6/14/2012 12:34PM

    Wow! You have more guts than me. Both my fitness and nutrition trackers are set to private. I have learned to be vulnerable in many, many ways since starting spark but in those two areas, I am not ready yet!

You are such a bright, beautiful, warm and loving person Angie! Meeting you has made a difference in my life and it was you that got me to a gym again. Look where I am now since that first time I met you at Anytime Fitness.

Now, love yourself as much as you love and want to help other people. You are worth it my friend. You are the real deal!

And I'll be here to encourage you and pat you on the back!

Let's rock this together!

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ROBYNLN 6/14/2012 11:54AM

    Success is never giving up. You are a success!

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Asking for help

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Asking for help doesn't come naturally to most people, especially for go-getters like us right! Unfortunately it also doesn't come naturally to people who need it due to crisis. I facilitate a grief support group on Tuesdays and asking for help is often identified as one of the most difficult things for the members to do. They know their life is changed, they know there are tools to deal with the challenges they face, and they know they might need help getting through the grief journey. But knowing how to get that help is often beyond them. To close this week's group we all identified something we could ask for help with and there was a universality to their hesitancy - no one wants to become a burden. Sometimes support systems are small and we feel like there are only a few people available to ask, and we don't want to exhaust them either. But more often than not people are looking for ways to help, and it only takes a request to get them into action.
I'm terrible at asking for help, and usually spare no effort in trying to do things on my own. I regained a lot of independence while my husband and I were separated, and I've been clinging to it even when life would be easier for everyone if I just asked for a little help. I had a potluck last night with my Pink Gloves Boxing group, and due to working late Tuesday knew I wouldn't have the opportunity to make something prior to the dinner. I mentioned this as something to ask for help on (likely requesting hubby to whip up one of his specialties) and a group member had a good tip: frogeye salad at IGA. It would be easy, everyone would like it, and I wouldn't stress myself or exhaust a resource.
I think the key to asking for help is remembering there are some things not worth getting stressed out about, cooking for a potluck among them. This great big world has great big problems, so making our small issues into big problems rather than asking for a little assistance is such a waste of everyone's energy. Here are several things I need help with, and asking for that help is on my to-do list:
1. Food control: I am going to ask a few people to share their food journeys with me, as support for myself but also to have the opportunity to support them. In addition, I will ask (demand?) husband not bring home irresistable treats.
2. Expanding my workout: By asking lil sis to include me in her Jillian Michaels workouts, joining me for walks and classes, and just pushing each other to do squats/crunches/pushups daily, I will have her to keep me accountable and competitive. Beating myself is fine but beating a 20yr old is a whole new level of satisfaction.
3. My money: I am terrible with money. I am going to ask for help in budgeting and keeping track of my money as well as identifying excess spending. I'm going to ask, gulp, my mom. She is someone I can trust as well as someone who raised a family on very little. Even if it means shame every time I buy a latte, I need someone to help me out of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle.
4. My house: We moved into our new home in February and I figured I'd have everything taken care of long before May 1. Here is it nearly June 1 with a housewarming looming in 2 weeks and I am not decorated and some of the little things that could have been done long ago are left unfinished. I have a friend who offered her help in the yard for a trade, but now I need to ask for organization and decorating help. I really want my sis and her friend to help with this. I know they would do it gladly and if we schedule it, it will happen.
5. My attitude: Having a positive, gracious attitude makes for a much happier Anj. So I am going to ask my coworkers and family to help me stay on the bright side of life. It is easy to fall into negativity and stay there but it doesn't make life very fun. If people can help me remember just how awesome my life is when I'm highlighting the cons, and I do the same for them, my environment, world and life will be much brighter :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MT-MOONCHASER 5/26/2012 3:42PM

    Another source for money help is right here on Spark. I haven't looked at it yet, but if you go to "Your Spark Points" and look in the area of "One Time Challenges" there is a link to "Visit Spark Savings.com". If it is like the rest of Spark, there should be a lot of good information there. And there's the possibility of earning 25 Spark points...

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 5/25/2012 2:03AM

    Good points and got me thinking, too, as I also have a terrible time asking for help!
Also, love the aspect of how much of a trauma should we make out of things like a pot luck when people do not have clean drinking water? Thanks for the food for thought! Good luck on your quest!
Hugs,
Mary
P.S. What is frogeye salad??? emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/25/2012 2:04:14 AM

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ROBYNLN 5/24/2012 5:30PM

    Very good points. I recently had to ask someone for help and it is very difficult for me, as well. Thanks for the good blog.

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KATHY_NATURELVR 5/24/2012 3:49PM

    I was talking to a friend that is living on unemployment right now. She was referred to a free training website by the unemployment agency and she told me about it. I am horrible with money too - I used to be better but I was never great. I've never had a savings account; I was never taught how important it was. This free online training class really opened my eyes and I'm putting together a plan. You should take a peek at it.

It takes a bit of time and navigating but so very well worth the effort. I can't "Add a Link" to comments, but you can copy and paste the website below.

http://alison.com/cou
rses/Financial-Literacy

All the best,
Kathy

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SERAPHGYRL 5/24/2012 1:45PM

    You're absolutely right! Asking for help isn't easy for most of us. This journey does have to come from within however, we all need a little help from our friends. Our strength waivers and sometimes it just seems too difficult. Spark People has been the best support system I could ever ask for. The secret to happiness is allowing people the privilege of being the recipients of our help.

My story, which isn't finished by a long shot, is chronicled in my SP blog. The opening curtain lifted on January 9, 2012. I've faithfully made it part of my plan to write the good, the bad, and the ugly, all the way to reaching my goal. It isn't the coolest blog out there because I'm not that talented. I'm writing it to help myself and anyone else who needs to know they're not alone.

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BECKYBEFIT 5/24/2012 12:31PM

    Great blog- thanks for sharing! I was nodding my head in agreement the entire time I was reading it. It takes a great person to realize areas in which they struggle and an even greater person to ask for help. You should be so proud of youself.

I'm not eating fast food this month. I also had to ask my DH not bring it home or eat it in front of me because just seeing or smelling it triggers my cravings. He's been great so far and it has been than much easier. Sometimes I don't think the people in our lives understand how much their actions effect us. Be sure to thank him :-) but also pat yourself on your back!!!

Keep up the great work and thanks again for sharing!

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BLESSED2BEME 5/24/2012 12:19PM

    I too have a lot of trouble asking for help. Your blog is excellent and I enjoyed reading it. I've enjoyed getting to know you better through here and our Zumba class. I'm sad I only have 4 class punches left for that class and that we won't go to Zumba at the same place after that but I'm glad we can still support each other here, run into each other round town and perhaps make plans to walk together sometime.

One step at a time, one day at a time, one task at a time, you are the only one who can take the journey you want to take but asking for help along the way and remaining accountable to yourself and others will make a big difference. You go girl!

Asking & demanding that DH not bring home unhealthy food - A+ in my book!

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LOGANIMOCE 5/24/2012 12:12PM

    I find asking for help very difficult as well. I think I resist it so much because I don't want to imply I am weak in any way, which, if I am honest, I have tons of weaknesses and have lots of supportive people around me who would be willing to help me if only they knew I need the help.
I think I need to be a little more willing to openly acknowledge the areas i need help in (as you have above) and find out what kind of help I can ask for without crossing the "burden" line.
Thank you for giving me something to think about today, and an action to take.

Comment edited on: 5/24/2012 12:13:34 PM

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MWF ISO BALANCE

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I have always been quite the all-or-nothing kind of girl. When I was bulimic, I lost 50 pounds in 3 months. When I went to therapy, I went daily. I go nonstop for 16hours a day, or dont move from the couch unelss its to nap in bed. And when I decided to change my life, I left my husband, got my own place and lost 20 pounds. A total 180 from the unhealthy, miserable wife I was.
I live with my husband again, I'm a million time healthier, and a pretty happy wife. So now it's time to capitalize on happy and make it JOY. I think the key to that joy, for me, is balance.
I hope this summer to learn to take it easy. I don't have to work out for hours each day, a walk around the park to move my legs and get the dogs out of the house can be enough. I can hav a cup of ice cream in addition to the grilled asparagus for dinner. And when I have to choose between staying at work for an hour (or staying at the gym for another round) or coming home to see my husband, I can choose husband. Yes, I CAN do all those things, but doing them without guilt is getting to the goal of balance.
I alluded Saturday to contemplating my place in the rat race. Trying to squeeze lots of work into the limits of a day means that when I have a moment to realize how hectic life is I get a bit disheartened about it. I am working hard, maybe too hard some days, for success in my career and weight loss and marriage and relationships, and I have to believe at some point I will get to a level of balance where that all comes easier. I have a lot of "someday" dreams about it - like when I have less debt or kids or fewer chores, it will work better. IF that isnt the case though, I'm gonna need some sugggestions. I know alot of you hae the success and balance and dynamic lives I am reaching for, so any tips on the journey would be so appreciated. Thank you in advance, and here's wishing everyone a balanced week!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEWHENRYSMAMA 5/21/2012 1:07AM

    Good Luck! I plan to read your answers as right now my life is way out of balance!
I guess I would say that I am not sure we ever get "perfect" balance...but striving to be balanced enough to be happy is good...perfection is not the best thing....go for comfortable and having things fall into place without slot of stress and struggle!
Take care!
Mary emoticon

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BLESSED2BEME 5/21/2012 12:38AM

    Balance is a biggie for me too. I am also all or nothing in just about everything and it is killing me. I'm slowly but surely learning how to work on everything at a more balanced level but I sure have had to learn the hard way and I repeat my mistakes over and over.

Wish I could tell you something that would help. The only thing that has helped me is being open and honest with my family about it and staying active on spark.

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KATHY_NATURELVR 5/20/2012 11:35PM

    Balancing is hard and some days one thing might favor another. I hear about your hectic life and I fully get it.

I work 9-11 hour days, 5 days a week (typically work 8 AM-6:30 PM, sometimes with a lunch break, sometimes not)
I have a family with a husband, college daughter, and toddler
I am just 6 classes from finishing my bachelors degree

I'm learning that finances are NOT my strong suit although I am learning
Sometimes (more often than not) I have to forgo exercise in order to get everything else done
I eat poorly to make up for the stress - however I'm always trying to find that balance!

When I sit down to think about everything, it gets overwhelming but I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Life is definitely a journey, not a destination so do the best with what you can. The rest will follow along.
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