Tuesday, July 24, 2012
It is so frustrating to know what I can do and that I can do it but keep NOT Doing it!!
When I offer tools to clients who don’t use them, refuse resources, turn away support, etc., it’s hard to watch their apathy and complacency toward growth and willingness to stay stuck. Here I am, doing the same thing.
I went to a great seminar on nutrition last night. The presenter, with all sorts of certifications as a food and fitness trainer, said that 90percent of the weight loss battle is emotional. This was further proven by the fact that nearly EVERYONE had at least one written question about ‘how to quit emotional eating’. The idea of making food emotionless, of not seeking comfort in food, in not making food into your therapist, is one that plagues most women. So when food becomes the way that we cope, we are going to turn to it for every.little.thing. Celebration, reward, hurt, punishment – I have done all of these and more using food.
I requested suggestions for working out with chronic pain (hip, neck, shoulder are all fighting me right now). She said to take some time off. I couldn’t do that, I explained, I would gain weight. Why is that, she asked. Because I eat too much.
Simple as that people. I eat too much.
The trainer said well you know what the problem is then, and reminded me that I can’t out-workout a bad diet. Well damn if I don’t try! And then I’m sore and everything hurts, and I don’t want to workout as hard. Burning 300kcal in 30 minutes on the elliptical is NOTHING compared to the 2000kcal in 4 pieces of pizza that takes me 3 minutes to eat.
So I have lots of freggies, all cut up and ready to take to work. Tons of salad goodies (bc I will eat what I like and I like me some salad!) and Saturday is my cheat day. I need to readjust my smoothies to decrease calories (I’m NOT giving up fruit: If I can’t drink, have cheese/yogurt/ice cream and chocolate is a special treat not daily treat, you can bet that I’ll risk the sugar from a strawberry!). I need to plan ahead. I need to do this the way I know how. The way that works. And give ME 110% rather than focusing all my energy elsewhere. There is no excuse for not treating myself the way I want to be treated. And if someone else was as disrespectful of my body and health as I am, no way I’d stand for it.
So, it’s Angie v2k.0 (yes as in 2000). I don’t know what tomorrow will look like, but today I am winning.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
I am having a BLAH day.
It's been quite a long while since I have felt this bad about myself, dwelling on how bad I look, I fat I am, how slow I am, how lazy I am. I can't say exactly where it's coming from though the 15 pounds I've gained this year is likely part of the problem. It's hard to admit that I am in the process of failing when I worked so hard to win. And even worse I feel so out of control that I'm not moving the ship back toward success. I just feel like I'm going down with it.
I don't want to sit here and just be negative because I really try to avoid being that person. I'm crying in my house and probably going to retire early because I just can't handle being sad any more today. I may not deserve it but please lift me in your good juju tonight, I hope to see some success this week and feel like I'm back in a good place.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
I have been in a pretty pathetic cycle lately: feel bad about my weight/body, eat crap, anxiety about eating crap, feel bad about my body, eat crap. Repeat. For 30+ years.
See the cute girl in my profile pic on here? She is hiding out. There is not much glow to my skin or eyes. I no longer entertain any thoughts of my potential attractiveness and a 'come hither' to the camera is far out of my range. In fact at my Zumba master class last week (2 hours of sweaty fun!) the super-hot instructor who was dancin' up on me threw me so off. I mean, why would a man be dancing with me EVER!? (cue 8th grade dances). I told him I couldn't see the instructor and he boogied off.
One of the greatest fears I've had ever since starting Spark is to be completely honest and authentic on this journey. When I was not doing well, I simply went away. I didn't blog, didnt log in, and didn't have to look at myself for what was truly going on. I've shared my fitness calendar publicly since day 1. I am PROUD of my fitness minutes. I have kicked a lot of butt and sweated lots of minutes. In the last year, I've run, been injured, learned to shake my booty and punch out a bag. The support and kudos yall provide about my fitness is the BEST.
Sharing my food journal, now that is one I'm not quite so honest about. For one, there is the binging and purging to consider. Since this has always been a source of shame, embarassment and fear in my life, I sure don't want anyone else to know what I'm purging. And since binging has also been a source of shame, embarassment and fear, I don't want anyone to know what that looks like either.
Well, recently I was asked to be a food-journal buddy. Gulp. In response to my 'asking for help' blog, someone asked ME for help. And helping others is one of the great joys in my life. So I am thrilled to do it. But making my food journal public scares the crap out of me.
Which is exactly why I'm doing it. To hold myself accountable by knowing that others will witness (virtually at least) my pasta binge, will cheer on my positive choices, and brainstorm how to ride the line of moderation (see: housewarming party 6/16, featuring beer, brats and cupcakes). Others will know how much I blow my calorie allowance, and how hard I try to stay within it. My fruit smoothies may become legend, or maybe correction. And although the fear and anxiety and shame are strong right now, I know that just like with my fitness log, sharing my food log will eventually be the best thing for me. By shining a light on my food log, I hope to bring more light into my light, and blind out the fear.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Asking for help doesn't come naturally to most people, especially for go-getters like us right! Unfortunately it also doesn't come naturally to people who need it due to crisis. I facilitate a grief support group on Tuesdays and asking for help is often identified as one of the most difficult things for the members to do. They know their life is changed, they know there are tools to deal with the challenges they face, and they know they might need help getting through the grief journey. But knowing how to get that help is often beyond them. To close this week's group we all identified something we could ask for help with and there was a universality to their hesitancy - no one wants to become a burden. Sometimes support systems are small and we feel like there are only a few people available to ask, and we don't want to exhaust them either. But more often than not people are looking for ways to help, and it only takes a request to get them into action.
I'm terrible at asking for help, and usually spare no effort in trying to do things on my own. I regained a lot of independence while my husband and I were separated, and I've been clinging to it even when life would be easier for everyone if I just asked for a little help. I had a potluck last night with my Pink Gloves Boxing group, and due to working late Tuesday knew I wouldn't have the opportunity to make something prior to the dinner. I mentioned this as something to ask for help on (likely requesting hubby to whip up one of his specialties) and a group member had a good tip: frogeye salad at IGA. It would be easy, everyone would like it, and I wouldn't stress myself or exhaust a resource.
I think the key to asking for help is remembering there are some things not worth getting stressed out about, cooking for a potluck among them. This great big world has great big problems, so making our small issues into big problems rather than asking for a little assistance is such a waste of everyone's energy. Here are several things I need help with, and asking for that help is on my to-do list:
1. Food control: I am going to ask a few people to share their food journeys with me, as support for myself but also to have the opportunity to support them. In addition, I will ask (demand?) husband not bring home irresistable treats.
2. Expanding my workout: By asking lil sis to include me in her Jillian Michaels workouts, joining me for walks and classes, and just pushing each other to do squats/crunches/pushups daily, I will have her to keep me accountable and competitive. Beating myself is fine but beating a 20yr old is a whole new level of satisfaction.
3. My money: I am terrible with money. I am going to ask for help in budgeting and keeping track of my money as well as identifying excess spending. I'm going to ask, gulp, my mom. She is someone I can trust as well as someone who raised a family on very little. Even if it means shame every time I buy a latte, I need someone to help me out of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle.
4. My house: We moved into our new home in February and I figured I'd have everything taken care of long before May 1. Here is it nearly June 1 with a housewarming looming in 2 weeks and I am not decorated and some of the little things that could have been done long ago are left unfinished. I have a friend who offered her help in the yard for a trade, but now I need to ask for organization and decorating help. I really want my sis and her friend to help with this. I know they would do it gladly and if we schedule it, it will happen.
5. My attitude: Having a positive, gracious attitude makes for a much happier Anj. So I am going to ask my coworkers and family to help me stay on the bright side of life. It is easy to fall into negativity and stay there but it doesn't make life very fun. If people can help me remember just how awesome my life is when I'm highlighting the cons, and I do the same for them, my environment, world and life will be much brighter :)
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I have always been quite the all-or-nothing kind of girl. When I was bulimic, I lost 50 pounds in 3 months. When I went to therapy, I went daily. I go nonstop for 16hours a day, or dont move from the couch unelss its to nap in bed. And when I decided to change my life, I left my husband, got my own place and lost 20 pounds. A total 180 from the unhealthy, miserable wife I was.
I live with my husband again, I'm a million time healthier, and a pretty happy wife. So now it's time to capitalize on happy and make it JOY. I think the key to that joy, for me, is balance.
I hope this summer to learn to take it easy. I don't have to work out for hours each day, a walk around the park to move my legs and get the dogs out of the house can be enough. I can hav a cup of ice cream in addition to the grilled asparagus for dinner. And when I have to choose between staying at work for an hour (or staying at the gym for another round) or coming home to see my husband, I can choose husband. Yes, I CAN do all those things, but doing them without guilt is getting to the goal of balance.
I alluded Saturday to contemplating my place in the rat race. Trying to squeeze lots of work into the limits of a day means that when I have a moment to realize how hectic life is I get a bit disheartened about it. I am working hard, maybe too hard some days, for success in my career and weight loss and marriage and relationships, and I have to believe at some point I will get to a level of balance where that all comes easier. I have a lot of "someday" dreams about it - like when I have less debt or kids or fewer chores, it will work better. IF that isnt the case though, I'm gonna need some sugggestions. I know alot of you hae the success and balance and dynamic lives I am reaching for, so any tips on the journey would be so appreciated. Thank you in advance, and here's wishing everyone a balanced week!
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