Sunday, November 24, 2013
I don't know where I lost sight of myself, but somewhere in the past 6 months I did. In June my first grandchild Marshall Mason was born, and from there it was one struggle after another trying to find some sort of normal in my life. I've asked myself every single day what normal truly is, and for me I'm still not quite sure. My life is at the moment far from normal. The only strong and constant thing is that my love for God is strong, and my desire to keep pressing onward is still the driving force that keeps me going.
I have been saying day after day that it is bound to get easier, but in reality it hasn't. Just when I thought the battles were dying down, another more fierce one hit. If I tried to write them all, it would take hours, but let me just say it was from nearly losing my husband to a rare pneumonia, a deer hitting his car and no comprehensive insurance, among many, many more things hitting our family. The list could go on for hours, but the end result is me finding that I need God more, I need to find stability and calm. I need to stop relying on eating when I'm stressed and find the stress relief I truly need in the word of God, my music and writing.
So here I am... on this winding road, that has once again led me back here. Eating healthy again, exercising again... and finding me apart from all the chaos :)
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Today I want to focus on all the things I am thankful for in my life. Jesus who died on the cross and arose from the grave because of his eternal love for me. I want to focus on a wonderful church family, group I sing and travel with, husband, son and daughter. My parents who I am learning every single day how to have a different kind of relationship with them excepting them for who they are, and trying desperately to forgive and overcome the after effects of the abuse that I suffered in childhood. We have a Easter service at our home church in just a couple hours, I sing a very powerful song during the play, one of which I am blessed to be able to sing for the Lord today in honor of all He has done for me in my life. I want to separate my struggling self, and just let it be about Him today, all about Him!
We are going to my parents for a BBQ after church, I plan about 4 hours, then I will make my excuses to come home and get ready to go back to work tomorrow. I can deal with my dad for 4 hours with a lot of prayer. I went and bought healthy meats and veggies and dropped them off at moms last night, I didn't stay but just a couple of minutes as we were in a hurry to get some things done here at home so we can all start the week on a positive note.
I am thankful today, and must keep myself reminded of the true meaning of this day. I have to let go of the struggles from the past week, and move forward knowing that I have a strong and powerful hand in mine to lead me as I walk this whole process of healing. It's not always easy in my humanity, but God's strength is enough to carry me when my burdens are just to heavy to bare.
Well I'd best go shower and get ready to sing.... Oh Lord Jesus help me to keep my eyes on you today.... HAVE A VERY BLESSED EASTER!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
This past week was very crazy, hard, and yet I watched God do so much in our lives. Let me emphasize ESPECIALLY MY LIFE! The week has been stressful with my daughter, as I was working 11 hour days, coming home and finding myself completely depleted. After doing my laundry, cooking supper, then washing and putting the dishes away I'd stumble to my bed, curl up and sleep just to repeat the day 7 hours later. I had am emotional melt down on Thursday which followed me into Friday, feeling like I was at the bottom of the barrel with my emotions. Friday I left an hour early, drove to the park, sat in my car and bawled for an hour. I felt very alone even though I know I am not alone I just truly felt like no one understood so I cried and prayed.
Later that afternoon my best friend sent me a text, and slowly I began feeling safe enough to talk to her, one text at a time, one breath at a time, I felt the knots in my stomach begin to untangle, and the pain in my heart begin to ease. I have been eating good, without cheating which is amazing for me since I tend to cheat when I'm at a low. I think it's just the way I've dealt with the abuse all of these years, turning to food as my source of comfort. I am so thankful I didn't, I just allowed myself to ride the current of emotions until the pain subsided.
I asked the Lord what He wants me to do, and fifteen minutes later I received an email asking me if I would consider speaking at a women's conference. I have felt the pull to do this, but with all of my insecurities I just questioned myself, only finding God reminding me that the message isn't about me, it's about Him. I've been writing a blog for a while now (actually a few blogs), and find that sharing my heart with others, my struggles, my lessons I'm learning from God, and my emotional journey of finding healing from the after effects of abuse. I am nervous, yet excited to be used of God more.
Last night the group I sing and travel with went to the sweetest little country church. I found myself singing, playing my guitar, and testifying about God's greatness while in awe that even in my brokenness God chooses to use me. I'm so thankful for my blessings.
I have lost 47 pounds since Christmas, and this week with Easter Weekend celebrations coming I'm stepping up my workouts, while continuing my clean eating. I am trusting God for a much better week!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
This has been the calmest weekend I can remember in a very long time. My son and daughter are both home, no drama at the moment, and it's so priceless. We went out yesterday to celebrate my son's new job letting him get some things he has been wanting. We walked all day at the mall and different stores, then ate at Subway for Supper. It was a really great day. Earlier before we left my husband and I went to the gym and I worked out for an hour and 20 minutes. We have been trying to do this every Saturday even when we have to sing/travel with our group, we feel so much better if we start our Saturday off right.
We went to my parents after church today, and my dad was in one of his moods, but I am so thankful that God had given me the strength from our morning service to be able to deal with his argumentative attitude. My daughter was a little agitated, but I stepped in and reassured her that he doesn't think before he speaks. My husband who is only able to take my dad in short bursts, went for a run in his church clothes. I understood he needed to get away so I didn't say a word, I just sat and talked to my daughter and mother. When my husband came back in from his run, he sat down and dad wanted to debate, so he sent me a text saying "Help Me!" and I made excuses for us to leave. I pray for my dad, he just has no idea how much he frustrates everyone by his need to always be right, or his need to argue and belittle. I know it is God that enables me to be around him to have a relationship with my precious mother. It's a struggle sometimes!
My best friend and I are going to the gym tomorrow after work even though I'm getting up early in the morning, I made her promise to go with me after our work day ends. I am tired at the end of my day, but I feel so much better if I work out even if I just run a mile and a half instead of the 3 miles I've been running.
I'm so thankful for this wonderful weekend God has blessed me with, to be able to be with my family and to truly enjoy them. I feel so blessed!!! :)
Praying that everyone has a very blessed Night & week ahead!!!
Saturday, March 09, 2013
I have had the absolute best weekend so far! It started yesterday afternoon when we got finished at work around 11:00. My best friend and I decided to go do some shopping and I tried on a size 10 jeans and they fit me comfortably. I was in a size 16 on Christmas day so it brought tears to my eyes to see the reflection of my hard work. Even with the stress of my daughter's drama I have been eating healthy, exercising and doing better than I have in a long time! :) I can see the difference since Christmas it's amazing!
This morning my husband and I went to the gym. I ran almost 2 miles (so awesome since I've just started running again a week ago), and I done about 5 miles total, then 20 more minutes of cardio! Then we went back to the house and I readied for my date day. He took me to Whole Foods and we read labels, sampled organic foods, and bought some things for the upcoming week. We ate a very healthy dinner, then went over and walked through the mall :) When the subject of our daughter came up we would quickly stop each other from discussing the stress, we just enjoyed being together :) I can't even express how much today was needed and appreciated! I thank God he blessed me with such a beautiful, and peaceful day with my husband! I am so blessed!
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