Sunday, March 02, 2014
What a crazy few weeks I have had, but oh what understanding I've come to gain. I fought so hard in denial the truth of me having Celiac Disease. All the symptoms were there, the migraines, fatigue, anxiety, depression, bloating, pain, nausea, mood swings and brain fog. I didn't want to admit that the disease was taking me down fast, because that would mean I would have to give up gluten, barley, wheat and rye free. The struggle of finding something to eat, the emotional roller coaster of watching my friends and family eating the things I love and can't have anymore. Very emotionally hard.
With all the stress of my daughter living with us with our 8 month old grandson, and all her daily drama just pushed my body to the edge. I was already in denial that I still had celiac (I was first diagnosed in 2006), but the migraines just kept getting worse, along with the fatigue and brain fog, causing me to miss work without being able to get out of bed. My daughter doesn't work, she sits on the couch all day long, so with me being bedfast she would still come in and lay the baby on the bed with me. I have no privacy in my own home.
There are those who say, "I would just throw her out and make her go live with her husband at his mothers house." well, the problem with that is they are heavy drinkers, along with her husband's sister practices satanism. So, to protect my grandson from that environment I put up with a lot more than is healthy for me. Just like this morning her husband parks his butt on my living room couch, while I am in my bedroom with the door closed.. He will bring her medicine if she needs it or the baby something small that he needs as long as his mother's bills are paid. He buys his wife no food, no clothes, no necessaties. I buy them all. I did force her to go get food stamps because my grocery bill has almost tripled since I've went gluten free again.
I hate to complain, I try so hard just to keep it all bottled up, but sometimes I just have to get it out. It gets so much bigger than me. I want my daughter to have a nice home of her own. Not that I don't love watching my grandson grow day to day, but it is so unnatural for them to be married and each living with their parents. He doesn't want to grow up and be a husband and father, he has a very selfish side. I have to take one day at a time as I try my best to get myself well again.
Just like yesterday I went out to lunch with my son, he wanted to treat me to a day out away from the stress. I ordered a gluten free meal, but never considered the sauce I ordered contained gluten, well... needless to say I was sick all night long. This morning my stomach looks like I swallowed a balloon..
I try to remind myself that God has me in the palm of His hand. That he will carry me through all of this, as I know that if it wasn't for my relationship with Him I would have never made it this far. I'm so thankful to have a relationship with Him, and I just have to trust that he will work all things together for my good!
Saturday, February 08, 2014
I am so thankful for this quiet and calm Saturday morning. My house is calm at the moment, and for this house that isn't the norm. Later in the day the chaos will be in full swing, but for now I am enjoying my quiet, calm, and snowy morning. We like most of the other parts of the country haven't gotten a whole lot of snow here in Southern-Middle Tennessee. We got a dusting on the ground, but our friends who live closer to Nashville and toward the East have gotten a substantial amount.
I woke up after only sleeping about 6 hours, but I don't feel down which is a very good thing for me. Saturdays I usually struggle with a barrel full of emotions because I am not working to keep my mind busy. My daughter went to DHS yesterday and was able to get food stamps for herself and her 8 month old son. She is still living with us, being separated from her husband (just a crazy situation all together), but it was a HUGE financial drain on my our finances. Her husband does buy the baby's diapers, and small necessities, but we buy his clothes and extras. It makes it hard when my daughter isn't working, she's struggling to find a job around our hours so we are able to keep the baby, so when she is home all day it just adds a lot of extras on our already tight budget. After almost losing my husband this past October, the hospital bills alone are enough to make you want to find a huge rock and climb under it.
I'm very blessed in spite of all the craziness. This morning I decided to find my "Thankfulness" replacing all the negative thoughts with positive . For me this isn't easy, but with God's help, I am going to sure try!
We started the biggest loser competition the day after presidents day. I failed my first week, I was so depressed. This past week I have done really well, of course having Celiac Disease and in the midst of one of the worst attacks in over 2 years, I had a hard time getting myself back up and going. Our second weigh in will be Tuesday and I am praying hard that it will be a good one :)
Monday, January 06, 2014
Since I last blogged, I have been trying really hard to fight my food addiction amidst all the chaos in my daily life. I didn't allow the holidays to stop me, and most everyone kept trying to tempt me by saying, "Just wait until after the first of the year." I couldn't wait until the first of the year because after leaving work one afternoon I was rushing to pick up a few things from Walgreens. I felt a draft, and realized I'd torn the thigh out of my jeans. A huge gaping hole I tried to hide until I could get out of the store and get home. I was in tears when I got home knowing it was from trying to deny the fact I'd gained so much of my weight back, and trying to squeeze into my denial. As long as I didn't have to buy a new pair of jeans I could deny the fact that I was overweight again.
I went to the store and purchased one pair of size 14 jeans. I'm 5'11 1/2 and weigh 213 pounds as of this morning. I was at 220 when I tore out of my jeans. I should be in a comfortable size 10 jeans, and weigh 170. I am a smaller frame for my height so I would look sickly if I were any smaller, so this is my goal. No more tears... no more going to the cupboard to over-endulge because of my anxiety and depression. I am learning to take one moment at a time turning my emotional highs and lows over to God. I've not completely accomplished this, as there are days I'm at such a low it's hard for me to find a word to pray. This is when I have to trust that my heart is speaking for me. Today I'm able to talk, to write, and for that I am thankful.
This is a one day at a time, one step at a time fight...
Sunday, November 24, 2013
I don't know where I lost sight of myself, but somewhere in the past 6 months I did. In June my first grandchild Marshall Mason was born, and from there it was one struggle after another trying to find some sort of normal in my life. I've asked myself every single day what normal truly is, and for me I'm still not quite sure. My life is at the moment far from normal. The only strong and constant thing is that my love for God is strong, and my desire to keep pressing onward is still the driving force that keeps me going.
I have been saying day after day that it is bound to get easier, but in reality it hasn't. Just when I thought the battles were dying down, another more fierce one hit. If I tried to write them all, it would take hours, but let me just say it was from nearly losing my husband to a rare pneumonia, a deer hitting his car and no comprehensive insurance, among many, many more things hitting our family. The list could go on for hours, but the end result is me finding that I need God more, I need to find stability and calm. I need to stop relying on eating when I'm stressed and find the stress relief I truly need in the word of God, my music and writing.
So here I am... on this winding road, that has once again led me back here. Eating healthy again, exercising again... and finding me apart from all the chaos :)
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Today I want to focus on all the things I am thankful for in my life. Jesus who died on the cross and arose from the grave because of his eternal love for me. I want to focus on a wonderful church family, group I sing and travel with, husband, son and daughter. My parents who I am learning every single day how to have a different kind of relationship with them excepting them for who they are, and trying desperately to forgive and overcome the after effects of the abuse that I suffered in childhood. We have a Easter service at our home church in just a couple hours, I sing a very powerful song during the play, one of which I am blessed to be able to sing for the Lord today in honor of all He has done for me in my life. I want to separate my struggling self, and just let it be about Him today, all about Him!
We are going to my parents for a BBQ after church, I plan about 4 hours, then I will make my excuses to come home and get ready to go back to work tomorrow. I can deal with my dad for 4 hours with a lot of prayer. I went and bought healthy meats and veggies and dropped them off at moms last night, I didn't stay but just a couple of minutes as we were in a hurry to get some things done here at home so we can all start the week on a positive note.
I am thankful today, and must keep myself reminded of the true meaning of this day. I have to let go of the struggles from the past week, and move forward knowing that I have a strong and powerful hand in mine to lead me as I walk this whole process of healing. It's not always easy in my humanity, but God's strength is enough to carry me when my burdens are just to heavy to bare.
Well I'd best go shower and get ready to sing.... Oh Lord Jesus help me to keep my eyes on you today.... HAVE A VERY BLESSED EASTER!
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