Sunday, September 28, 2014
Last night was simply refreshing.
I was weary on my way to the singing. As our group traveled along the winding country roads of Tennessee, I couldn't help but stare out the window at the beautiful blue sky God created. I snapped this picture.
With each mile I could feel a little more strength filling my heart. I knew what I was going to do was not about me. I knew it was about all of those other aching hearts and weary soldiers that were coming to hear us sing. My hearts cry is for God to take my weakness to manifest his strength. In all ways. In all things.
We got to the church, set up our equipment, then headed into a back Sunday school to pray. We formed a circle, and as we prayed I asked God to let me disappear. We went out and began to sing and from the very first note I felt his powerful presence. I felt his love flowing through that church, touching hearts and restoring lives.
I don't do a whole lot of the speaking, but when my singing partner asked me to sing a song I wrote entitled "I"ve Been Changed By The Power of Jesus," I stepped forward and began to share a snipped of my testimony. A small glimpse into what God has done for me. I watched as people wiped away the tears. I saw God touching their hearts, all from just a little peek inside the window of my heart. How blessed am I? I watched God touching people in the way only He can do. My weakness. His strength!
God uses the little things. God uses the broken things. God uses the weakest things, and He manifests himself as the most amazing and powerful God he is. I am thankful that I have him in my life. Today as my house is still filled with chaos, I feel God with me and we will walk this journey together!
Saturday, September 27, 2014
I was reading a book lately about the different ways we deal with stress. While reading this book, I discovered that I am the type of woman who tucks and hides. I tuck all the things that cause the stress deep inside of me, while I hide behind a bright smile and happy disposition. Since I wrote my last blog on here, I have tried to just take each day as a moment by moment journey. My daughter still lives with us along with my now 15 month old grandson. I still have all the stress of keeping water and electricity flowing through the house, while she still does just enough to say she does something.
I work a full time, extremely physical job. I come home, help with the baby until her husband (who even after a year and 5 months still lives with his mother) comes over to have a little family time, then he goes home. On the weekends he comes over and stays most of the day and never contributes to the needs of his wife, and barely does he take care of the needs of his son. I guess if you call a box of diapers every 2 weeks, and a tube of A&D ointment contributing than that is how he contributes.
He makes good money where he works, but about a couple days after pay day he will say he is "Out" of money. My daughter is so gullible that she just goes with it. I wake up on Saturday mornings with severe anxiety because he is here every weekend, on my new furnature, eating her food she gets with assistance, and using my water and electricity. I'm tired of the same old stress. I can't tell everyone around me how I am struggling right now, even to feel strong spiritually. I am just emotionally and physically drained.
Tonight our gospel group will travel to sing. I will stand up there with my guitar to sing about how awesome our God is. I will fade into the background, while he shines. I will bask in watching him touching peoples hearts. This is what i have to do. Take one step at a time. One moment at a time, until I find me again.
Sunday, March 02, 2014
What a crazy few weeks I have had, but oh what understanding I've come to gain. I fought so hard in denial the truth of me having Celiac Disease. All the symptoms were there, the migraines, fatigue, anxiety, depression, bloating, pain, nausea, mood swings and brain fog. I didn't want to admit that the disease was taking me down fast, because that would mean I would have to give up gluten, barley, wheat and rye free. The struggle of finding something to eat, the emotional roller coaster of watching my friends and family eating the things I love and can't have anymore. Very emotionally hard.
With all the stress of my daughter living with us with our 8 month old grandson, and all her daily drama just pushed my body to the edge. I was already in denial that I still had celiac (I was first diagnosed in 2006), but the migraines just kept getting worse, along with the fatigue and brain fog, causing me to miss work without being able to get out of bed. My daughter doesn't work, she sits on the couch all day long, so with me being bedfast she would still come in and lay the baby on the bed with me. I have no privacy in my own home.
There are those who say, "I would just throw her out and make her go live with her husband at his mothers house." well, the problem with that is they are heavy drinkers, along with her husband's sister practices satanism. So, to protect my grandson from that environment I put up with a lot more than is healthy for me. Just like this morning her husband parks his butt on my living room couch, while I am in my bedroom with the door closed.. He will bring her medicine if she needs it or the baby something small that he needs as long as his mother's bills are paid. He buys his wife no food, no clothes, no necessaties. I buy them all. I did force her to go get food stamps because my grocery bill has almost tripled since I've went gluten free again.
I hate to complain, I try so hard just to keep it all bottled up, but sometimes I just have to get it out. It gets so much bigger than me. I want my daughter to have a nice home of her own. Not that I don't love watching my grandson grow day to day, but it is so unnatural for them to be married and each living with their parents. He doesn't want to grow up and be a husband and father, he has a very selfish side. I have to take one day at a time as I try my best to get myself well again.
Just like yesterday I went out to lunch with my son, he wanted to treat me to a day out away from the stress. I ordered a gluten free meal, but never considered the sauce I ordered contained gluten, well... needless to say I was sick all night long. This morning my stomach looks like I swallowed a balloon..
I try to remind myself that God has me in the palm of His hand. That he will carry me through all of this, as I know that if it wasn't for my relationship with Him I would have never made it this far. I'm so thankful to have a relationship with Him, and I just have to trust that he will work all things together for my good!
Saturday, February 08, 2014
I am so thankful for this quiet and calm Saturday morning. My house is calm at the moment, and for this house that isn't the norm. Later in the day the chaos will be in full swing, but for now I am enjoying my quiet, calm, and snowy morning. We like most of the other parts of the country haven't gotten a whole lot of snow here in Southern-Middle Tennessee. We got a dusting on the ground, but our friends who live closer to Nashville and toward the East have gotten a substantial amount.
I woke up after only sleeping about 6 hours, but I don't feel down which is a very good thing for me. Saturdays I usually struggle with a barrel full of emotions because I am not working to keep my mind busy. My daughter went to DHS yesterday and was able to get food stamps for herself and her 8 month old son. She is still living with us, being separated from her husband (just a crazy situation all together), but it was a HUGE financial drain on my our finances. Her husband does buy the baby's diapers, and small necessities, but we buy his clothes and extras. It makes it hard when my daughter isn't working, she's struggling to find a job around our hours so we are able to keep the baby, so when she is home all day it just adds a lot of extras on our already tight budget. After almost losing my husband this past October, the hospital bills alone are enough to make you want to find a huge rock and climb under it.
I'm very blessed in spite of all the craziness. This morning I decided to find my "Thankfulness" replacing all the negative thoughts with positive . For me this isn't easy, but with God's help, I am going to sure try!
We started the biggest loser competition the day after presidents day. I failed my first week, I was so depressed. This past week I have done really well, of course having Celiac Disease and in the midst of one of the worst attacks in over 2 years, I had a hard time getting myself back up and going. Our second weigh in will be Tuesday and I am praying hard that it will be a good one :)
Monday, January 06, 2014
Since I last blogged, I have been trying really hard to fight my food addiction amidst all the chaos in my daily life. I didn't allow the holidays to stop me, and most everyone kept trying to tempt me by saying, "Just wait until after the first of the year." I couldn't wait until the first of the year because after leaving work one afternoon I was rushing to pick up a few things from Walgreens. I felt a draft, and realized I'd torn the thigh out of my jeans. A huge gaping hole I tried to hide until I could get out of the store and get home. I was in tears when I got home knowing it was from trying to deny the fact I'd gained so much of my weight back, and trying to squeeze into my denial. As long as I didn't have to buy a new pair of jeans I could deny the fact that I was overweight again.
I went to the store and purchased one pair of size 14 jeans. I'm 5'11 1/2 and weigh 213 pounds as of this morning. I was at 220 when I tore out of my jeans. I should be in a comfortable size 10 jeans, and weigh 170. I am a smaller frame for my height so I would look sickly if I were any smaller, so this is my goal. No more tears... no more going to the cupboard to over-endulge because of my anxiety and depression. I am learning to take one moment at a time turning my emotional highs and lows over to God. I've not completely accomplished this, as there are days I'm at such a low it's hard for me to find a word to pray. This is when I have to trust that my heart is speaking for me. Today I'm able to talk, to write, and for that I am thankful.
This is a one day at a time, one step at a time fight...
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