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UUUUHHHHGGGG....

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

It's Wednesday, a beautiful, blue sky & sunshine Wednesday... and I feel like I have a hangover, although no alcohol was consumed. Sometimes I just wake up with a headache (I'm the only person I know where sleeping makes a headache worse). But some Kashi cereal and a diet soda will hopefully help my headache and state of wakefulness.

So, along with my headache I sit here shame faced. Last night from about 7:30pm until I went to bed at 11pm (so much for going to bed early), I had the house to myself and had the perfect opportunity to work out. So what did I do? Mostly sat on the couch shopping on my laptop while watching TV.

And yet, my brain was saying the whole time, "You could just do that 20 minute DVD, or maybe just pop in Wii fit and play some games, or why not fire up the old Xbox and jam to some DDR. That doesn't even feel like a workout!" But I put it off with lame excuses.... I just ate dinner... I'll do it right after I finish (fill in the blank)... I've had a long day, I deserve to relax... I'm tired and it's really too late to get worked up before bed... *sigh*

Why do I do it? Why do I eat junk when I'm not hungry and sabotage myself by refusing to work out? I'm not happy with my weight for health reasons AND vanity, yet I do nothing to change it. How do I get that determination to just do it? What more do I need for motivation?

I keep on saying it, but yet again today is a new day. I guess all I can do is move forward and try to make today a healthy and smart one. If only I could take a nap....

  


Knowing isn't doing...

Monday, June 27, 2011

What do I know? I know that I've had high cholestrol since at least age 22, at which point I weighed 143 pounds. I know that I am now 27, still with high cholestrol, and now weigh 170 pounds. I know that I am not satisfied with my current weight/size, regardless of the health issues. I know that to change my weight and size I need to eat healthy and smarter, and exercise to burn calories and tone muscle. I know that I need to make it a priority, or else it isn't going to happen. I know that I procrastinate and make excuses as to why I don't have time or energy to work out now, and tell myself it's ok because I had a hard day or I'm tired, etc...

And yet, I'm not doing any of that consistantly. I'll use my nutrition tracket for a while and stay on top of my calorie intake, but then that falls to the wayside and I get back into my "don't track, don't tell" snacking habits. Then I'll buy a new workout game or DVD, and use it a couple of times then decide it's boring, or that I'm going to try something else and then never get around to it. I have turbo jam, P90X, Insanity, several Jillian Michaels DVD's, countless other work out DVD's, and quite a few games for the Wii. And yet I have no motivation.

In fact, there are days where I don't feel bloated and put on a cute matching bra and panty set, stand up straight, suck in a little and think "I don't look THAT bad" (until I turn around and see where my love handle/back fat crease meets my waist... I HATE BACK FAT!)... then there are the days where everything I put on makes me feel like my 300lb alter-ego named Bertha. Surprisingly again, not motivating... it just makes me want to placate the fat, insecure kid that lives inside me with a Rolo McFlurry while watching cartoons.

And my darling, wonderful husband... I tell him how I want to come home from work and make the first thing I do my workout so it's done and out of the way. The poor guy will gently ask if I'm going to work out upon getting home and I normally snap and say "I don't feel like it" and make him feel bad for bringing it up when I pretty much asked him to. Of course, he's always telling me that I'm not fat despite knowing me when I was 30 pounds lighter. Sweet, but I just can't believe he hasn't noticed I went from a size 6/8 to a size 12/14.

So now I've had my pitty party... I'm just going to have to suck it up and do something about it. I took my current measurements and weight, and wrote them in a notebook next to my goal measurements and weight. Then I wrote down treats I get at different goals (all non-food related). I'm afraid I'm going to just have to post it somewhere so I see it every day, and work toward reaching that first goal... I may have botched my calorie intake thus far, but the day isn't over yet! I'll make smart choices for lunch and dinner and I will work out tonight as soon as I get home! Baby steps....

  


I'm a procrastinEATER

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I've come to realize one of my biggest downfalls of losing weight.. My inability to stop shoving food in my mouth every waking moment. I now realize I am a procrastineater. At work when I'm putting off doing something I may shuffle papers or organize my desk... but lately i've been pulling out another snack. Sometimes it's not too bad. A couple of prunes, an apple... but then there's the sandwich crackers, the "fruit' (sugar) snacks, and heaven forbid... the snack cakes.

It's not much better at home. Who wants to do laundry or clean up? Why not eat something while watching TV or surfing the web? And how about after dinner when my brain keeps saying "You know, we could be working out right now" and my mouth says "Shut up and go get some ice cream".

I am 30 pounds from where I want to/ should be. That may not sound like much to some, or it may sound like a lot for those lucky enough to be fighting 5 or 10 vanity pounds. If I lost 30 pounds THEN maybe we'll talk vanity pounds... but honestly, why is this so hard? Why do I make food something to do, not something simply to nourish my body and supply it with energy? How do I stop the mindless snacking?

And how come in the afternoon when I'm stuck at my desk I have such motivation and excitement to work out, but by the time I get home I'll find any excuse NOT to exercise? And how come when I do work out I get bored almost instantly, no matter how fun it's supposed to be?

Perhaps I should take a picture of myself in one of my (used to be) cute bikini's, and give it to someone to post on facebook if I don't reach a set goal in a certain time limit. Perhaps total humiliation will motivate me?? Personal vanity and health concerns don't seem to be doing it...

I guess it's time to draw up a new game plan. Come on me, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEALOHAOE 6/16/2011 9:55AM

    I totally get the motivation at work and slack off when I actually have a moment to do it. Every day, I sit at my desk and think "I would love to be outside moving around right now." or "I would be so much more productive in the gym right now." I have a job that does NOT keep me busy. Then, because I'm bored and don't plan for the boredom, I argue with myself for an hour and finally give in and grab some cheezits out of the vending machine. On the weekends, I barely eat at all because I'm so busy doing stuff! I would love to have a job that does flex hours or something like that.

I wish I had a solution. If you come up with one, let me know.

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Back on the wagon.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

I thought I would track my food faithfully while on vacation, but that didn't work out so well. I did try to be somewhat mindful of what I was eating and how much, but hey, I WAS on vacation... And we didn't go anywhere, just did work around the house so I know I was burning more calories than I do sitting at my desk all day at work. Especially the morning I worked from 7 - 9:30 hauling old wood from our deck out of the back yard, up a hill, and to the street to the waiting dumpster. Whew!

Anyway, back to work Monday morning was a disaster! Trying to play catch up from my week off while handling craziness all day led me to placate the cranky fat kid in my head with lots of snacks. I can think of 900+ empty calories I downed and I'm sure that's just the tip of it. WHY do I do it? Tuesday was a little better with maybe 300 empty calories on snacks. And last night I managed to take my dog for a walk (1 mile) AND did a 20 minute session of a Jillian Michaels 30 day shred DVD. Boy, am I out of shape!

So here it is Wednesday and I feel like my vacation was 6 months ago, not last week. That's how it goes though, right? I'm just tired of this extra weight. I'm trying to be a more positive person and feel good about myself, but it's hard when getting dressed makes me feel so bad when none of my cute clothes fit anymore. I sold some shorts in a yard sale that when I picked them up I thought "I used to WEAR these?"... and not that long ago either!!

I know I just need to get off my butt and work out every day. I do make excuses, but after a LONG day at work I'm tired, and in the 4-5 hours before I drop into bed I make dinner, eat, clean up the kitchen, do chores (laundry, vacuum, whatever), walk the dog, take care of the cats, pay bills, spend time with my husband, and I would like to relax and watch a little TV or read a book... so even squeezing 20 or 30 minutes of exercise is a chore most days!

And waking up early to work out is not happening. I already get up at 6 to leave my house by 6:15, and not going to bed until 10 or 11 barely gives me enough rest as it is. Not to mention I've never been a morning person and I can't bring myself to wake up to eat breakfast before I leave, let alone exercise.

Whew! So in a nutshell I would like to eat to nourish my body, not satisfy my emotions, and I would like to exercise to feel better about myself along with various other reasons. Now to work on making it happen...

  


Day 3... go me!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I've made it to lunch on day 3. It's really not so bad except I feel like I'm starving not long after I just ate. I'm hoping my stomach has just been stretched out from my constant overeating and will shrink back down to a normal size. At least, I've heard that's what it does. I've been trying to make smart choices so I'm eating nutritious foods, and eating mini meals throughout the day. But I'm still hungry.

I get out of bed at 6:00am, and get to work shortly before 7, at which point I eat a bagel thin with a little cream cheese (150 calories). I can't stand oatmeal and I haven't found a cereal I can stick with yet... and I know better than to think I'll get up earlier to make something before I leave. I guess breakfast is a challenge for me.

I have a light yogurt cup and 1/8 cup of walnut pieces (170 cal) at 9:30am, then I try to wait until noon for lunch, which normally is a can of light soup and some oyster crackers (220 cal). Then I do everything I can to hold out for my afternoon snack around 3, which is a small apple and a string cheese (145 cal).

By the time I get home shortly before 6pm I am starving and ready to have dinner. I need to work on dinner plans because I'm always ready to chow down, but I need to keep in mind that pesky calorie count. Last night wasn't terrible... Chicken breast, broccoli, and wild rice, all carefully measured for portion control.

BUT I went over my limit by having another apple & string cheese when I got home because we weren't eating dinner right away. I spent 2 hours cleaning the garage while my hubby mowed grass, and didn't eat dinner until 8:30! I guess the calories burned cleaning would cover the extra snack... but still... the hungries are driving me crazy!

I think I like blogging... it makes me reflect over the day before and keeps me on track for things I might need to change. My own little "me" time. And how nice that sometimes other members give an encouraging comment! I may write these for me, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. : )

Time for my soup!

  


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