Saturday, May 18, 2013
I've been having grumpy conversations with myself about the scale. Thank goodness I took my measurements a while ago, so I could see on the tape that I'm losing inches. And I've been exercising and had my food on track. But my goodness, why wasn't the scale showing me any love? This morning, at last, it moved down a pound. I have one more week until I leave for a mini-reunion with friends I haven't seen in years, and I really want to be down to 150 before I go. One more pound to go to get there.
Have a great weekend.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
What's on your menu this year?
We're having loving company, sweet memories of celebrations past, poignant thoughts of those who can't be with us, and lots and lots of gratitude for life's bounty.
We're also having turkey, roasted vegetables, green salad, pumpkin pie and diabetic-friendly mini cranberry tarts.
Happy, happy holiday, Sparkers!
"For, after all, put it as we may to ourselves, we are all of us from birth to death guests at a table which we did not spread. The sun, the earth, love, friends, our very breath are parts of the banquet." -- Rebecca Harding Davis
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Food "doesn't console. It doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps. All it replaces is the lack of God." -- Marguerite Duras.
I just ran across this line by one of my favorite authors. She writes about alcoholism. But, for me, this sentiment applies to abusing food, as well.
I can see this truth in action in my life in the moments when I've been in the most pain around food, eating and my body. At those times, I haven't been relying upon connection to the Universe, to the One Source. I've been empty. And I've used food or other self-harm to fill up the emptiness. But beyond filling emptiness, abusing food has literally made me bigger. Bigger in body, anyway. And also bigger in emotions, in some respects. Abusing food brought lots of emotions up -- discomfort, self-hatred, anxiety about how high I would go on the scale, worry about my future health -- while providing a literal cushion between me and the world. It's strange though, because as big as my body might get, the person inside, the core of "me" becomes invisible, I believe, when I'm fat. I feel less and less myself, less and less present and free in the world. And I have an excuse to avoid activities -- I don't feel well emotionally and physically. It's a spiral that leads to more disconnection, more stuffing with food and less spiritual wellness.
But when I am connected to the Source, I know I'm okay. Whatever my weaknesses and imperfections, I'm enough. I'm worthy. However crummy my day is going, I am not alone. It's much easier to treat myself well when I remember that I'm lovable and loved.
I get to remember this when I'm feeling low: the best strategy is to seek spiritual connection, followed by connection to others. Isolation and using food as substitute for connection don't work!
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
I've just seen another thread on the Fitness and Exercise board begun by a Sparker who is troubled by her/his distaste for exercise. This Sparker asked "what if you hate exercise?" In that question, I hear an assumption that one must love, or at least like, exercise in order to do it. It's as if one's revulsion for exercise is whatsoever relevant to the task at hand (crafting a lifestyle change toward good health).
While many other Sparkers posted helpful suggestions of strategies for getting in some fitness without engaging in painful workouts, I was left feeling a little flat. Of course, exercise needn't be torturous. And many of us have punished ourselves with exercise (the flip side of punishing ourselves with food). Indeed, the self-punishment of excessive exercise is a sign to me of the emotional baggage we carry forward into today, just as surely as our excess weight and/or tormented relationship with food are signs of unhealed pain. The truth is that while getting stronger and healthier today through weight loss will uplift us in many ways, it won't "cure" the past.
I think we get into "hating" exercise sometimes because we tie it to self-hatred around our bodies, or perceptions that we are somehow inadequate. For many of us, the thought of exercising today carries with it shame -- perhaps we were unhealthy in the past, or we were clumsy, we were awkward, we were unpopular, we were unathletic. We may feel guilt for putting ourselves in the position of needing to lose significant weight. We may feel regret for "lost time" or lost health. Obviously, this is old baggage and really has nothing to do with taking a 2 mile walk today.
But what if we could separate exercising today from all that past pain? We can work to develop insight, perspective, forgiveness and an overall healthier relationship to our past, certainly. Yet getting fit today does not have to be dependent upon all that healing. In other words, we can get fit today while continuing to be aware there's unhealed, unfinished business. We don't have to postpone wellness today because we were unhealthy emotionally and physically in the past!
Let us stop dragging the past into the present! If we don't yet feel enjoyment in our fitness activities, sure, we can experiment with different activities, schedules, venues, etc. But we can also strive to adopt a neutral (if not happy) attitude about our fitness activities today. I'm talking about the attitude you adopt when it's time to take out the trash, put gas in your car or do some other basic necessary task of life. We just do these things, without waiting to enjoy them or thinking we must enjoy them in order to do them. We simply have no emotional charge on them at all. These tasks are part of life, and when we do them things just go better for us. Fitness can be like that. It really can.
And along the way, just as when I took out the trash this afternoon, we might notice a beautiful bird singing just for us.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
My last couple of blogs have been painful. If anyone's been reading and is left hanging, I figured I should update you...
1. My ex's new wife (kiddo's stepmom) is finally out of the hospital (as of yesterday). She had a total of 3 surgeries, and will need more, but so far is medically doing well. She spent a couple of weeks in ICU, but her young age and overall positive attitude seem to be helping her to bounce back. I continue to pray for her healing.
2. My girlfriend J and I are renegotiating our relationship. I guess that's the best way to put it. She realized almost immediately after breaking up with me that she deeply regretted acting out of her self-doubt and past pain. She wants to remain girlfriends and work toward a future together. I'm giving her lots of space for this (easy since she's in Ohio and I'm in Los Angeles, for heaven's sake!). One wonders, "how much space, in addition to the 2000 miles, does a girl need?"
3. I reached my 1/4 of the way to goal mark on Halloween! Although it's not been easy to keep my mind in the weight-loss/healthy living game with these stressors, I keep giving myself permission to be imperfect and to move on. It seems that for me, as long as I get my morning walk/workout done, I can have a good-enough day with my eating and planning...
What strategies for success are working for you this week?
Wishing you a magnificent day!
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