A LITTTLE BIT OF HUMOR

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
And we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance
Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
As it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week
Begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
Tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the
First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
For that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
In a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
You credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions,
But just how in the
World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest
One of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
And said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks !

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ESCAPE YOUR PRISON

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Escape Your Prison

by Jane Powell on August 20, 2011

“Take a chance.”

Ever felt embarrassed after someone rebuffed your invitation to go for coffee? Ever felt hurt when you opened yourself up to another person and they didn’t react the way that you had hoped? Ever felt scared for any number of reasons?

Congratulations! You’re alive. And growing, too! If we never take a chance, if we never stretch ourselves, there are two things that we can be sure of. One is that we will never feel hurt or embarrassed or scared. The other is that we will stagnate. Safe in our comfort zone, we will find in time that comfort zone has become a prison. We have dealt ourselves a life sentence of “safety.” Yet safety equals stagnation.

Be embarrassed! Be hurt! Be frightened! The rewards of growth and change are permanently rewarding. Slowly, through taking chances on people and situations, we mold ourselves into the person we want to be. We grow. We learn. We change for the better. The end result outweighs the temporary pain encountered on the journey.

Take a chance on life today.


Today’s Affirmation: I’m taking chances!

Visit our article library. All our past articles are now available in one place! Click here to check it out.

Enjoy your day!

Jane

Meditations for Women

P.S. Spread the Word - If the meditations are inspiring to you, please forward them to friends and family, and invite them to subscribe! We all can use something to brighten our day. (This was written by Jane on the E-mail I got and the link is below.)

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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Perfect Husband.


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.


A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to
Talk.


Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."


WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me....are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat, it's Only
$2,000, is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models and saw
one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "$90,000."


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out
that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're Asking $980,000
for it."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000, they'll probably take
it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."


WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later! I love you so much!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up.


The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide
open.


He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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IT'S ME, THOR!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Hi everyone. Had a better day at the vet and and didn't pee in my carrier today. Yeah! Mom put a green and yellow and orange striped towel in my carrier and it was still dry when we came home.

My number today was 239. Last week it was 56. 239 wasn't bad for me cause we'd like it to be around 200. Anyway, we're keeping my insulin dose the same which is 10.5 twice a day. We'll see what it is in a month unless Mom sees me acting "funny". If that happens, it's back to see Nick again. I meowed real loudly going and coming for Mommy and Daddy. When I got to Dr. Gail's I was real quiet thinking they wouldn't know I was there if I didn't make a sound. WRONG! Everyone started speaking to me and then out came Nick to take me into the back room.

The other good thing was that Mommy got me more food today. Now I won't starve to death.
We stopped on the way back and got pizza for supper. I had 4 pin head size tastes of the cheese and tomato. I was able to smell it more than taste it because the piece was so very tiny. Now there won't be any more pizza here for probably 2 months or more.

We watched our Tampa Bay Bucs play their first pre-season game against the Kansas City Chiefs and Tampa won 25-0. Not a bad start for basically a non team yet since not everyone has been picked for the team. We all like the Bucs, Eagles, Colts, and the Steelers. In college games we always route for Penn State. Bet you didn't know that even though I am a cat, I still follow football. Well, ok, I snooze during the games but I DO know what's going on. Ask me anything!

Well, that's about it from here. Y'all have a great weekend now, ya hear? Mommy will be watching something called golf. It would be fun to be on that grass and push the balls around for them. Daddy just told us that Tiger Woods didn't make the cut in Atlanta for the championship game. Guess he has some more practicing to do. See, if I could get there I could help him put the ball in the hole. Think of all the money I could make and how much food and catnip that would buy.

Love,
Thor

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WEIGHT LOSS

Sunday, August 07, 2011

The Ten Commandments of Weight Loss

1. Thou shalt honor thy health and good spirits above all else.

2. Thou shalt not go on crash diets; therein lieth the way of madness.

3. Thou shalt not clean thy neighbor's plate.

4. Thou shalt not eat when thou art miserable, for food is not a medicine unto the soul.

5. Thou shalt eat not when thine eye lusteth, but only when thy stomach requireth sustenance.

6. Thou shalt sup chiefly on the fruits of the earth, the grains and vegetables thereof; on the fowl of the air and the fish of the seven seas, whence donuts cometh not.

7. Thou shalt take exercise daily, for why else hast thou sinew and bone, legs and sneakers?

8. Thou shalt be patient but not forgetful.

9. Thou shalt take delight in every good friend and good song, in every good walk and good day, for to enjoy them more is why these commandments are given unto thee.

10. Thou shalt not knit thy brow if thou transgress a commandment, but forgive thyself, for it is written, nine out of ten is not bad.

~~~Anonymous

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