Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm having a rough day today. Gary and I got into a stupid fight last night and I couldn't sleep because I was so angry. You'd think I'd have realized what was happening since the topic for my class today was the frustration-aggression hypothesis, but no. It didn't click until I asked my students what they thought about the articles.
It's been a tough year, really. Gary lost his job in July and has been unemployed every since. He's applied to everything but the economy is just crappy in our area. So it's been really hard. Things are okay financially, but our relationship is suffering. I'm tired by the time I get home from a 9 hour day (on average) but he's bored from sitting at home all day. So while all he wants to do is talk, I just want to sit and savor the silence for a little while. Therein lies the conflict. Also, I think that he should be doing most of the house stuff since he's at home but he's really inconsistent about it. He gets mad if I ask him to do stuff (dishes, feed the cat, etc) sometimes because he says I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing as much as I used to do, granted, but he's at home those 45+ hours that I'm at work. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to do more at home since he's there all day. We discussed this when he first lost his job and we both agreed that this would be fair. We don't have any kids, just a crazy cat. But Leo's pretty low maintenance for the most part, just make sure he has food, water and a clean litter box. Neither of us expected him to be out of work this long. I know it's hard on him but it feels like he doesn't ever think about how this might be hard on me too.
So last night we had a huge fight. I'd already fallen asleep when Leo started meowing wanting attention. I had only been asleep about 10 minutes and I woke up just enough to ask Gary to please close the door so Leo would stop meowing. Gary's response was "If you want the door closed, then you go close it! It's your cat!" I got mad, closed the door but was pissed that he couldn't take 10 seconds to help. I'm one of those people that once I'm woken up, I'm up. I usually can't go back to sleep. He was still awake... it wouldn't have done anything for him to close the bedroom door. So instead of getting 8 hours of sleep, I was still awake and fuming. The longer I lay in bed unable to sleep, the more furious I got with Gary.
I finally left to try to sleep in the our guest bedroom. I was so irked with Gary that I just did not want to be in the same room with him. Finally, at around 4 am, I went back into the bedroom to get my glasses and my laptop. If I was just going to sit there, I might as well be semi-productive. He woke up when I walked in and we ended up yelling at each other for an hour. His refusal to close the door frustrated me, and combined with all of the other frustrations, it led to aggression (tying it back to my class topic).
I'm just at the end of my rope. I feel like I don't have anything more to give. Gary's always talking about how worried he is about not having a job, about money and about his weight. I feel like I'm continually reassuring him that he'll get a job and we're doing okay with the money. I've been cooking more healthfully and working out regularly. You'd think that a guy obsessed about his weight would appreciate those steps and join in. Nope. He says he's proud of me for doing it, but he's not really taking part. If I ask what he wants for dinner, it's always something not so healthy- pizza, burgers, tacos, etc. I've come up with healthier versions of those things that do taste pretty darn good, if I do say so myself. He still wants to go out to eat all the time. That's not good for our waistlines or our finances.
Then he'll keep coming in to talk while I'm trying to work out. Part of my reward for working out is that I will watch an episode of something on the laptop while I'm on the bike, so it's frustrating when he keeps popping in every 3 minutes. I'll lose track of the story line or slow down my pace, and it happens almost every time. I've asked him to just wait until I'm done unless it's an emergency, but apparently we have different ideas of what constitutes an emergency. The house is on fire, yes, that's an emergency; it would be perfectly fine to interrupt me. Him reading a funny joke on Facebook that he simply must tell me does not constitute an emergency to me.
I'll usually go refill my water bottle after finishing my cardio but before starting in on my strength circuits. As I walk towards the kitchen, he'll try to convince me that I've done enough already and should just hang out with him. Um, no. Sitting on the couch eating chips with him is what led to my gaining weight back in the first place! If I really push him, he'll ride the bike for 1 mile and then stop. One mile is better than nothing, but seriously? That took him about 5 minutes. I encourage him to use the bike or the weights or whatever while I'm gone all day. He won't.
I know that I can't make him get healthy, but he talks about wanting to eat better and get in better shape A LOT for someone who is taking no steps in that direction. I'm frankly just tired of listening to him complain about his weight and health. I'm tired of trying to reassure him that he's still cute despite his burgeoning belly size. I'm taking the steps necessary to get healthy and I'm doing my best to involve him. I can't make it and he's not doing it. I'm just so tired of listening to it.
I'm just tired, period. Between working 40-50 hours per week, working on my dissertation on weekends and evenings and taking care of my blind, diabetic father from an hour away, I'm just exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. So it's been a really tough day, especially coupled with the lack of sleep. I just want to stuff my face with carbs, which makes the fact that there's goodies in the office for my boss's birthday even harder to resist. So, yeah, I didn't resist too much. I ate the smallest cupcake on the plate but also a piece of fudge. Because I was so groggy and tired, I didn't bring my lunch and instead resorted to fast food. *Sigh*
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I'm very sore today. My quads, abs and shoulder/ chest muscles all hurt quite a bit. It's a good hurt, though, because I know that the pain comes from trying to get healthier.
I debated whether or not I should do anything today. Would it be better to let my muscles repair themselves or better to keep up my mini-streak by getting some form of formal exercise all holiday weekend? In the end, I decided that I wasn't so sore that I couldn't hit the bike again. Yay me!
I do need to find some cardio activities that I can do at home other than just the bike. I'm sure that my body will get overly adapted to the bike if I just do that every day. Also, while I try to do something with my arms while biking, there's not much happening with the core or upper body.
I like rowing, so maybe I'll try the exercise room in the student union. Swimming is out until it warms up a little since it's so cold up here that I don't want to even walk to my car in the cold with wet hair! Maybe if I could get Gary to play racquetball with me...
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I'm feeling pretty proud of myself today. I got up and actually got on the exercise bike. I biked for an hour (those last 10 minutes were tough) and would have gone 11.5 miles if it had been an actual bike. Although considering that there's at least 6 inches of snow outside, not so sure I'd have gotten that far riding a bike in snow!
I always have the best of intentions about using my bike or other assorted exercise stuff, but somehow the bike was buried in the "crap I don't know where to put yet room" from when I moved here a year and a half ago. We've had our crazy cat, Leo, for 10 months and he'd never seen me on the bike. He was so fascinated by it and kept jumping up on it to see what I was doing. Kinda hard to peddle when there's a cat batting his cute little paws at the foot pedals!
Leo's running up and down the halls right now, which is why one of his many nicknames is My Little Pony (I'm a child of the 80s). I wish I had that much energy! Of course, he's also asleep about 80% of the day so I guess I would probably be able to run around like a pony cat some if I slept most of the day too.
The thing I'm not so proud of is my food. We'd slept pretty late after staying up really late, and then I played with the cat and on the internet for a while. By the time I'd taken my medicine, it was almost noon. I can't eat for at least an hour after taking my medicine, so I didn't eat any breakfast. I spent the next hour on the bike and the hour after that cooling down and showering. By then, it was 3 pm. I started reading and playing around on the internet, and next thing I know, it's 5:30 and I'm starving since I had not eaten anything since the night before. Gary kept throwing out really high calorie suggestions for dinner, but I didn't want to do that. I was feeling pretty good about being on the bike and pretty bad about our Taco Bell dinner the night before. So I tried to keep it a bit more reasonable. He went to pick up dinner since I was enjoying just chilling in the house and not dealing with traffic and crowds, and he was really not in the mood to cook. I only ate about 1/3 before my stomach became very upset with me. This has been happening more and more since I had my gallbladder removed in May 2010, and I'll be honest that I'm not very good about taking the cholistipol for it like I should. I take my thyroid medicine religiously but somehow I never remember the cholistipol at night. Guess I've just been conditioned by years and years of taking my meds first thing in the morning and I don't think about it. I'm working on it.
So today was mixed. I burned 800+ calories from the bike according to Spark's fitness calculator but my nutrition was crappy with maybe 800 calories consumed total before I got sick. Most of those calories were from fat since I'd only had a few bites of chicken and pasta before I got sick, but I had shared a fried onion and jalapeno appetizer with Gary first (they were really greasy, I think that's what caused the problem for me).
Hopefully tomorrow will be better!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My husband, Gary, and I were chatting last night in bed. He's currently at about 215, and he'd love to get back to under 200. I'm not saying where I'm at (some things a girl has to keep private!), but I need to lose more like 50 pounds to his 15.
For the most part, Gary eats pretty healthy. He loves fresh fruits and veggies, and they don't last long in our house. So 90% of the time, he's doing great. It's just the other 10% of the time when he's snacking on chips and dip at 10 pm that are causing him to gain weight or plateau. So I did a bit of math for him, and switching from tortilla chips and queso cheese dip to fresh veggies and low-fat hummus will save approximately 350 calories per night. We snack probably about 5 nights per week (eek!), so that's 1750 calories per week that are completely junk. One pound equals 3500 calories, so eliminating 1750 calories per week from changing JUST our snack should result in a .5 weight loss per week, without cutting anything else or upping our activity.
He was pretty excited, as am I. He's not usually one to be on a "diet" but he's been complaining about his weight (and his doctor is concerned about his blood pressure), so this is a good opportunity to get him eating a bit more healthy. I found and updated a list of South Beach Diet approved foods today, and will go by the grocery store this evening to pick up healthier stuff. (If anyone wants a copy of the list, just let me know!)
My favorite doctor ever, my endocrinologist, has just reopen her practice (she'd taken some time off for family reasons), and I have an appointment with her in a month. It's funny, but I like and respect her so much that I want to numbers to have nudged back down before I see her again. Odd, isn't it? But she's the first doctor who didn't just assume that I eat junk 24/7 and never get off the couch; my thyroid had been out of control for years before I started seeing her, but most regular family practice doctors didn't know too much about hypothyroidism and just checked it once per year and increased my medicine. She was the one who started checking it every 3 months and found out how much it fluctuates even though I am good at taking my medicine as prescribed. It was just so wonderful to finally have a doctor who understood and encouraged me, rather than belittling me. With her help, I lost nearly 50 pounds. Granted, a decent chuck of that has crept back on while I wasn't looking, so I have to get it back down. So I love her! Not looking forward to the $60 co-pay, but I am looking forward to seeing her again after 2 years. Her replacement endocrinologist was nice, but he just wasn't the same.
So, wish us luck! ;-)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
So this is day 3 of my back on the bandwagon, and I'm struggling a bit. Despite living in North Carolina, I'm living in the mountains (aka the High Country) so we're up to our eyeballs in snow. So no work today. When I'm sitting here, alone, stuck at home, bored out of my mind, I snack. Gary, my new husband, got stuck off the mountain by the weather, so he's not here. So I'm here, alone, and struggling mightily to not eat everything in sight.
I was feeling munchy even though it was a little before my normal dinner, so I went ahead and made a relatively healthy dinner for myself. A can of Progresso light soup and a turkey and cheese biscuit-sandwich. After putting it into Spark, it really wasn't all that bad- a bit carby but overall okay. The problem was predominantly my afternoon snack attack of Cheez-It party mix. I usually don't even buy those because they're like catnip to me. I'm inexplicably drawn to them and will eat a whole box at once. I ate the rest of the box today, and consumed the whole box over the last 3 days. Ugh. But at least it's gone now. I can't eat an empty box- well, I could, but I don't need the fiber THAT badly!
I just need to find more willpower when I'm at the grocery store. It was definitely an impulse buy and I knew that I didn't need them. But they were on sale and they someone made it into my grocery cart. The force is strong with Cheez-Its. No more Cheez-Its. Triscuits and Wheat Thins I can handle in moderation. One of my favorite mid-afternoon snacks is a snack sized 2% reduced fat cheese and 3 rosemary and olive oil Triscuits, which totals 140 calories, 10 g of carbs, 8 g of fat and 10 g of fiber. The combination of protein, fats and fiber fills me up, and I love the combination of the smooth, creamy cheese and the crunchy, twangy cracker. Yet somehow the lure of Cheez-Its completely destroys my best laid plans. No. More. Cheez-Its. Just don't keep them in the house, and problem solved. There's about 10 more inches of snow covering the car and drive way right now, and I'm not shoveling out everything just to risk my life and limb to buy Cheez-Its. So if they aren't here, I won't eat them!
I'm also bummed because I haven't seen Gary in 2 days. We left together on Monday morning for our respective jobs, and he hasn't been back since. He had some important meetings on Tuesday morning and bad weather was looming, so he stayed down the mountain. It's only about 20 minutes/ 20 miles, but boy it makes a big difference in the weather. They've had a few light flurries with only less than 1 inch accumulating, we've had about 15 inches since Monday morning.
Then after teaching his late class on Tuesday, I told him not to even attempt to come back home since I barely made it back in one piece. I got stuck in a snow drift and was lucky to get home, and that had been 5 hours earlier. It had only gotten worse since then. So he's still down the mountain, and it's very unlikely that he'll get back today either since I'm stuck here. All classes for students were canceled, the bus canceled its service, yet the school expected faculty and staff to somehow make it in. Why? I'm an advisor and teacher- I don't need to be there that much if there are no students for me to advise and/or teach! So here I am, huddled under my electric blanket trying to stay warm and trying to not go crazy.
Speaking of being cold, I heard back from the doctor's office today. Yep, my wacky thyroid has gone, well, wacky again. TSH was 8.31 and my former endocrinologist wanted to keep it around .5 or so instead. That would explain why I'm freezing even when Gary is hot, my inability to keep my hair attached to my head and not on the shower drain, my general fatigue and complete disinterest in anything once I get home from work except sit on the couch, cravings for very carby foods, and my emotional mood swings. I figured this was going on, especially when I started having a low-grade but persistent sore throat, and so I mentioned it to my doctor when I was there last week making sure I didn't break my shoulder when I fell shoveling snow. I was going to make an appointment anyway to get my thyroid re-checked, but why spend another c0-pay when I'm already there and getting poked and prodded? I go back on Monday to discuss my medication dosage. At least I know why I've been struggling, and that's always good.
So basically today I'm feeling whiny. Feel free to ignore me, yell at me for being a whiny beotch or leave encouragement. I'm going to take a nap and then hopefully get the reading done for my class tomorrow- assuming we have classes, I have to re-read what I'm supposed to discuss tomorrow! Hopefully tomorrow will be less whiny.
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