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Update, finally......

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Hello, Sparkly friends!!!! Sorry it's taken me so long to post this update, but I wanted to have a progress report to go with it. However, I still haven't made it anywhere to weigh in, so I'm going ahead with it anyway and am just going to make sure I can weigh in before April first. I will say that I'm not expecting a loss at all, and will be amazed if my gain is not huge.

Well, I left off at leaving town to be by my mothers side as it didn't look like she was going to make it. Good new, there, she pulled through! She is doing much better than any of her doctors had expected her to. She is now in a Long Term Advanced Care Hospital (LTACH) now, and maybe getting to come home in the next couple weeks. So all that has been amazing. She is going to have to adjust to a few new ways of life, but that she is already able to walk short distances is actually pretty amazing. I have to give credit to my brother, he was the only one who was really optimistic the whole time. My husband and I were concerned that he wasn't being very realistic, and as it turned out, we were just being to pessimistic.

I was living in Joliet, IL, and came down here to Arkansas City, KS. to be with my family. After I had been here about a week, my hubby and I decided that we would go ahead and move down here, for a few years at least. So I started looking for work and a house, and found both! My husband came down for the weekend last week, right before I started my new job, to visit and he will finally be joining me on the 1st of April , when we will move into our new house.

On the job front, I am the new manager at a convenience store, a job I had done before. It's not a job that makes me very happy, but it's pretty good money. I actually hate it, but I'll get by for now. I hate even more that I'm good at it. Makes it hard to quit, you know. I was hoping to get a job at a casino down here, and I did get that job, too, but it was taking so long to get the background check back, so I took the managers job. I'm a little bummed, because I know that I'll not be able to go to school like I have been wanting too for so long. And it limits the time I have to spend with my little girl. It's going to be a lot of work, at least right at the start, getting it back to being a profitable store. But, I'll get it done, then reassess what I want to do at that point.

But, not having worked in 3+ years, going to a job and being on my feet for 9 straight hours everyday last week really kicked my butt. That's why I hadn't been on here in the last week. By the time I got off work, picked up my kid, made dinner, washed the dishes, bathed little girl, took a shower and did whatever else that absolutely needed to be done, I was a total zombie. Needless to say, my exercise has suffered drastically.

On the new home front, I'm really happy. We got an actual house, and for $200 cheaper than the crappy little apartment we were renting in Joliet. Kansas is always good for the economy. Or so I thought. Surprisingly, groceries are much higher here than in IL.

I have been eating out too much as well. So, with the excessive eating, no work outs, and stress beyond any that I'm used too, I guarantee I've gained weight. The question is, how much? I don't know yet, but will soon. Hopefully it will help me with much needed kick in the pants. I have to be up at 3 am to get ready for work, but I'm going to squeeze in a 15-20 min. workout and 5-10 minutes of stretching. Not only will this help me burn more calories throughout the day, but I'm hoping that my muscles will be more reluctant to ache and groan for the whole rest of the day.

I have so much going on the next few weeks, but regardless, it's get back on the hoarse time. My life has changed once again, but it's no reason to let it drag me down. I need to focus on the positives. I'm back with my family and friends, I have a job, in fact I'm so desirable in the work force that I actually turned down 2 other job offers, my little girl finally has others close to her age to play with and has been having a blast, I'm moving in to a super cute house, with an easy going land-lord.....there are others I'm sure.

Oh, and a big bonus of moving here.....A local gym that is only $15 a month, with no joiner fees or contracts!!!! Weight loss goals, ready or not, here I come!!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRAMMACATHY 5/2/2011 12:32AM

    I am so happy your Mom is doing well and that you were able to move closer. You have been on quite the roller coaster with an ill parent, a young family, a new home and a new job. Eventually, everything will settle and you can go after that casino job again if you still want it.

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PPHILLIPS9 3/21/2011 11:31AM


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JULESELLEN 3/21/2011 5:45AM

    You have a lot of changes going on!! Wishing you all the best with each and everyone of them! emoticon

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GAYLE-G-63 3/20/2011 10:40PM

    Welcome back Dawn!

Things will get better once your life settles down. Don't feel guilty, just look forward. You're where you need to be. I'm very happy to hear everything is going so well. Onward!!!


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VIRGIE8278 3/20/2011 9:24PM

    Wow, Alot Has been going on with you! I was concerned when I saw you drop off, I was hoping that it was just a much needed break! Doesn't sound like you have had much of a break at all!

Hope things settle for you soon!!!! Glad to hear your mom is doing well, and on the road to recovery!

We are here if you need us! Take care..and spark on.


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DRAGONSPITTLE 3/20/2011 5:49PM

    Huzzah!! emoticon

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Will not be around too much for awhile.....

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Hey friends. Just wanting to drop a quick line to let everyone know that I'll be away for a few weeks. I may pop in once in a while, but I won't have time for much.

My mom had surgery on last Thursday. She seemed to have came through it okay, and we all thought she was going to get better. But today she crashed. The doctors didn't give her much hope earlier, but she's getting a little better and they are giving her a 50/50 chance now.

I got a train ticket to go home, I leave tomorrow. A 16 hour train ride with a 2 year old, fun, fun. But couldn't afford a plane ticket, so this is better than nothing. I'm tired. I feel like a zombie. I'm so sick of everyone I'm closest to dying.

Ugh....I wasn't going to get all woe is me. So, I'm going to get off here before I get really depressing. I'll talk to you guys later. Love my Spark family!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EVERLEARNING 2/8/2011 11:58PM


Be kind to yourself


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JMLEE509 2/8/2011 11:39AM

    I'm sending you my prayers for you and your family. God bless emoticon

emoticon emoticon

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JULIE_1978 2/8/2011 11:07AM

    Sending my thoughts and prayers your way! Travel safe.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 2/8/2011 10:50AM

  You're in my thoughts and prayers.


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DAP1313 2/8/2011 10:27AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Will be sending thoughts your way to help get you through this trying time. You make sure you take care of yourself also.

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GMO_JEN 2/8/2011 10:00AM

    Sending thoughts and prayers for your mom and your family. emoticon

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ADALAI 2/8/2011 7:01AM

    We love you and will be sending so many prayers and thoughts your way. emoticon

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MRE1956 2/8/2011 5:51AM

    Will keep you and your mom in my best thoughts - please take care of yourself.....


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RUBYCLAIRE 2/8/2011 5:11AM

    Sending you big hugs to help see you through this trying time.
Come on, grab hold! We are all here for you!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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QUEEN_REINA 2/8/2011 2:35AM

    (((((HUGS)))))) I'm thinking of you and i"ll miss you! Don't forget to take care of yourself.

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WANNABTHIN53 2/8/2011 1:26AM

    God bless you and your mother, everything will be as it should be so try not to worry.

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DIANE2868 2/8/2011 1:12AM

    Hang in there girl, be strong for your mom and your little girl. I will be thinking about you and your family. Good thoughts being sent your way. emoticon emoticon

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Jan. update, week 2

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My Goals for January to help me achieve my 2011 goals are.....

*Restart Spark Diet Plan... emoticon

*Get to stage 2 within 2 weeks.... (This will be next week)

*Put up More Visual motivators around my house .... emoticon

*Exercise 60 minutes a day (at least), 5 days a week....Didn't happen most days last week due to illness. On track so far this week.

*Lose 8 lbs in January...Lost 1 so far.

*Stay accountable, Blog once a week, and keep up with team Challenges Daily....So far so good.


I edited it a bit. With being sick last week, and recuperating this week, I dropped meditation and Tarot studies from my January goals. If I have the time and energy to do these things, I will, but I'm not going to worry about working them into the schedule until next month.

As I said, I was sick last week, but have been feeling better the last few days. I got up and started to do my Cardio Kickboxing with Coach Nicole, and 3 minutes into is, I thought my lungs were on fire! I kept at it though, got 20 minutes in, then an additional 10 minutes of dancing around the living room with my daughter. She loves that! By the end of I felt like pudding. I couldn't believe how quickly I went back to feeling like the first time I did a workout. I hope it doesn't take too long to get back into the swing of things.

With tax time coming up, my husband and I are strongly weighing our options. On one hand, we are thinking of moving back to KS. where all my family and friends live. We could get an actual house with a yard and everything for less than our crappy little apartment here in IL. We would have a babysitter so that we could actually go out once in a while. Plus I do get lonely here, literally not knowing anyone other than hubby and baby. On the other hand, hubby has a good job here with excellent benefits, and there just aren't that many jobs in KS. We could get down there and not be able to find work. It seems like the smartest thing to do would be to stay right here, but living down there would make things way easier. So I don't know yet.

Well, that's about it for this weeks update. I hope all my wonderful Spark Friends are having a great week so far, and are having fun reaching their goals!!!! Talk to you guys later!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHAOTIC-KITTY 1/13/2011 10:58PM

  good goals. emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 1/11/2011 2:16PM

    Great job reevaluating your goals after being ill. Sometimes things get in the way and as long as we don't lose site and pick up when we can we are doing well! Best of luck to you on your other choices.

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QUEEN_REINA 1/11/2011 12:09PM

    I am doing the same thing, making monthly goals to help me accomplish my 2011 goals. I may revise them though, at the end of this month. My main thing is to lose weight and move to Washington I HATE being in Wisconsin, alone with no family, I hate the weather, ppl are unfriendly, etc etc and unlike you I don't have a great job to leave so less of a challenge. We're leaving in May.

Anyway so I might revise my goals to narrow it down and cut out "extraneous" stuff that detracts from my main mission.

Mostly I'm wanting to make exercise goals that I'm likely to keep up, and nutrition goals that I'll stick to..

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DYCARPENTER1 1/11/2011 1:01AM

    Staying accountable is often the best thing. . . but also the most difficult.

If you can lose 8 pounds, you go girl! I am lucky if I do that in two months. emoticon

Still. . . you sound thoughtful and centered. emoticon

I would say you are working the plan. emoticon

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This is me....&....Better Late Than Never

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Hello Friends! After several months and 50 lbs down, I've finally taken my 'before' pictures. Part of me wishes that I'd taken them before losing the first 50 lbs, another part of me doesn't even want to put these up. But, I'm owning it. This is me, totally in the Raw. I thought about putting on make-up and some of my nicer clothes, then thought...Why? That's not me, unless I'm going out on a date or a job interview. This is me, in my work-out clothes. I made a point of wearing black for my team colors (Go Black Team!!!) My hair is pulled back, as it always is before a work-out. My little girl is there beside, as she always is (best part of the whole picture, I think). I have to admit, I edited out the rest because I need to vacuum, lol!

Am I happy about it? Not particularly. But it's time I stop hiding from the world. And I fully intend to put that picture to shame by the end of this year! I took a few more pics trying to get a half-way decent profile pic I could live with.

It is a pain in the neck (literally) trying to hide my quadruple chin. The one I ended up settling on was one without a smile. As usual. I've always thought I looked better without a smile. Anywho......

I'm a little late in posting my New Years Resolutions, but oh well. Only by 4 days! Here they go....

2011 Resolutions
* Lose 100 Pounds

* Start School

* Read Tarot Fluently

* Get a Social Life somehow

*Create a Greater Connection to the Universe

*Become Vegan

*Be More Environmentally Conscious

*Be Able to Jog 1 Mile by Year End

My Goals for January to help me achieve those resolutions are.....

*Restart Spark Diet Plan... emoticon

*Get to stage 2 within 2 weeks

*Put up More Visual motivators around my house emoticon

*Exercise 60 minutes a day (at least), 5 days a week

*Meditate Daily

*Dedicate 1 hour to study Tarot, 3 times a week (at least)

*Lose 8 lbs in January

*Stay accountable, Blog once a week, and keep up with team Challenges Daily

I think those are attainable goals. I seem to often find trouble finding a good middle ground for goals. It seems I always set them too high, where I can't achieve them, or too low where it doesn't even present a challenge. And I definitely need to challenge myself. The last several years of laziness and self gratification has not made me happy, and sure hasn't made me strong and respectable. I so want to be a role model for my child, and I couldn't be a good role model by always taking the path of least resistance. That's how I got this way now.

I had a rough year last year, and the last few weeks have been some of the hardest. But I'm ready to pick myself up and get back in the saddle. I can't wait to see what I can accomplish in 2011!!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOY199 1/19/2011 7:47AM

    I have tarot cards too but I can never seem to get the patience to sit down and go over the how to's on reading the cards. I'm rooting for ya and you will those list of goals in no time.

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RAINBOWFALLS 1/4/2011 1:25PM

    Great Goals! I didn't post a before picture of myself either, and my first one was at my 6 month mark. emoticon

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DIANE2868 1/4/2011 11:34AM

    First off- I think your very pretty! Second, Go Black team! woohoo! LOL
You will do this, most of us are in the same boat you are. It is hard putting up pictures and I think you have a great attitude with doable goals and I know you will obtain those goals.

Keep up the good work, and I love your little helper! emoticon

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JUDYFRANCE 1/4/2011 8:08AM

    Excellent! Goals with a Plan. And so brave of you to post honest before pics. I remember when I started I posed in my best "skinny" positions. Even then, I was not ready to fully admit the depth of my problem. I've come a long way from then. You will, too!!

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EUPHRATES 1/4/2011 3:51AM

    :applause: for being brave! Great goals (though the exercise minutes look a little lofty to me, but then I'm the one who at first started just by getting off the bus 2 stops early to make myself walk for 10 minutes - it took a WHILE to work up to more than that regularly, and with my schedule it's *still* tough to get 5 days in every week, so I have to give myself some slack there).

The BIG key? If you find you're not meeting any those goals, DON'T throw in the towel - evaluate whether the goals are set too high, or if there are other things keeping you from meeting them, and adjust as necessary. It's a process.

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GRAMMACATHY 1/4/2011 3:38AM

    emoticon Great attitude. Your little girl is such a cutie and a great motivator to strive for good health. I just got brave enough to post my before picture too. It is nice to see the difference that 28 pounds makes. If you can find a before picture to post, (maybe a friend has one of you) it might help spur you on to really see how much you have truly accomplished. We will succeed.

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A perfectly crappy ending to a perfectly crappy year....

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I now know why people are advised not to announce their pregnancies until they are a few months along. It saves the heartache of having to tell everyone the pregnancy didn't work out. Shortly after waking up Thursday morning, I started bleeding and had to go to the hospital. They did an ultra sound and couldn't find anything, even after doing both kinds of ultra sounds. After testing my blood and finding my hcg levels to be around 2000, they deducted that I had a probable blighted ovum. The ER Doc said there could still be a slim (very slim) chance at a successful pregnancy, but I didn't get my hopes up. I went for a follow up yesterday and they took more blood and I have to go back tomorrow for the results, basically just to ensure that my hcg levels are dropping like they should. If they were still high, then I might still be pregnant, But I know my body pretty well, and I know it's over. I've basically had my regular TOM the last few days.

I'm just exhausted now. I've been cramping since Friday, and my Iron levels are at an all time low, so I just feel tired and wore out all the time. I've been trying to take it easy, so I haven't even gotten in a workout in almost 2 weeks. I'm behind on my housework, and just thinking about Christmas makes me cringe. I know it's time to get back into the swing of things, but I just don't have the energy. I'm sure it hasn't helped that I have been off my antidepressants for almost two weeks either, because I quit taking them when I found out I was pregnant. I haven't wanted to start taking them again until it's official, even though I know it's over. I guess my hopes are a little up, anyway.....

The doctor said that it wasn't anything I did or didn't do. My husband read up on blighted ovum, and said that it was usually cause by a defective egg or sperm, missing a chromosome or some such, so the body rejects it before it even developed into an embryo. I'm paraphrasing here, so that may not be entirely accurate. But I still can't help thinking that it was either my weight, or the heavy exercising I was doing, or the little bit of wine I was drinking, all before I realized I was pregnant. My logical mind tells me none of this is the case, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about it happening again.

Mostly, I'm just mentally and emotionally exhausted. The last 2.5 to 3 weeks, have been a roller coaster. I went from knowing what I wanted out of the next several years, and having a plan to achieve it, to being a nervous wreck just wondering if I'm pregnant, to confirming I was pregnant and be a little disappointed and anxious and confused about the future, to being excited, then more excited, and making all new plans, and arguing with my husband over names, then to having all that suddenly taken away again. All over the course of a couple weeks. It all really sucks.

I was crazy to think that this year could redeem itself at all. My husband is pretty upset too, more so than I thought he would be. I don't know how to make him feel better, either, because I don't know how to make myself feel better. He worries about me, because I don't talk to him much about things. I'm not good at talking about my feelings at all. I can blog about them, as long as I'm fairly positive that no one I really know will read it. Even if they so, it's always been easier for me to write than talk.

Ughh, anyways, I'm rambling now. I'm back to tracking my calories again. I missed about 3-4 days, though for some reason it felt a lot longer. Hopefully, I'll start exercising again in a day or two. Gotta get back on the wagon. The more weight I lose, the healthier I'll be if I ever get pregnant again, right? Part of me wants to just put off starting over until after the new year, but that's the old me talking. The one that would never start it back up after the new year, either. Gotta shake that off, or else I'll really hate myself for it.

Thanks all for listening. Love you guys!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    It can be hard to accept that a miscarriage isn't the fault or blame of anyone or anything - to accept that our female bodies DO know when an ovum or embryo isn't healthy enough to survive. Guilt is normal, and can be lasting; the mixed emotions you had upon learning of your pregnancy complicates it further... I've lost two pregnancies, one through a fall from about 10 feet up, and the other because of using an IUD for birth control... All the more reason to treasure the cutie-pie you DO have in your life, and to appreciate your husband's obvious love and caring! Take care~

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GRAMMACATHY 1/2/2011 2:28AM

    I am sending hugs and my condolences your way.

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LIBRA73 1/1/2011 2:07PM

    I didn't know you where going thru all that. I am so sorry. It's never easy to say hello and goodbye so quickly! Been thru that myself years ago. Big hugs. Here's to a new year, a fresh new slate.


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OHANAMAMA 12/28/2010 12:25PM

    emoticon emoticon
So sorry you had to go through all that. I have been there myself. It's hard. Hugs and prayers to you/for you.

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WINTERWINGS 12/15/2010 12:24PM

    Wow, I could have written this several years ago. My first miscarriage was right around this time of year too. I got home from the hospital on the 23rd of December. It sucks, bad.

I lost two other pregnancies to painful miscarriages and had two other early losses but we kept trying and now have a *perfect* four year old little girl. We had to have help from the fertility clinic as well and my pregnancy was scary but we survived it and we have all we could have possibly wanted with our daughter.

It is awful but, sadly, it is incredibly common. Trust your body, take the time you need and try again. Good luck.

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EVERLEARNING 12/15/2010 9:41AM

So sorry to hear this news. Please take care of YOU, and heal well, in all ways.


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SLEEKKITTY 12/15/2010 9:15AM

    so sorry for what happened. emoticon

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MRSSARAHPHALEN 12/15/2010 9:09AM

    I'm so sorry.

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EUPHRATES 12/15/2010 8:08AM

I'm so sorry. And you're allowed to take all the time you need - there is no "normal" when it comes to grief. And it IS normal to grieve over a lost pregnancy. Promise.

Maybe if you got a paper journal to write in, and wrote your emotions every day, it might help (and letting your husband know you're doing so might make him worry less). Don't stuff and deny and pretend everything's all right - it'll just make it harder to make it through everything.
Take care of you!
*more hugs*

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EUPHRATES 12/15/2010 8:08AM

I'm so sorry. And you're allowed to take all the time you need - there is no "normal" when it comes to grief. And it IS normal to grieve over a lost pregnancy. Promise.

Maybe if you got a paper journal to write in, and wrote your emotions every day, it might help (and letting your husband know you're doing so might make him worry less). Don't stuff and deny and pretend everything's all right - it'll just make it harder to make it through everything.
Take care of you!
*more hugs*

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GMO_JEN 12/15/2010 12:13AM

    I am so very sorry for your loss. It was not your fault or something that you did. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers

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LUVMYDOGGS 12/14/2010 9:29PM

    I'm so sorry....thinking about you and praying for you.

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DJS-DEBBIE 12/14/2010 8:48PM

    I am so sorry. I have been there twice. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I had not told that many people but it was still hard to tell our parents. I found out that that my MIL had 3 miscarriages (and 7 children).

My second one happened between my second and third child. My MIL had just passed away and we told my FIL in a misguided effort to make him feel better. He told EVERYONE who came to the wake and the funeral. Two weeks later I lost the baby. That time was absolutely horrible.

There is nothing did to cause this and there is no way to prevent it. A blighted ovum is one that just wasn't right. You are right that losing weight can only make it better the next time, though. Take good care of yourself!

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DIANE2868 12/14/2010 7:01PM

    I am so sorry. emoticon emoticon

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IMREITE 12/14/2010 6:19PM

    Sounds like a pretty rotten series of events. my sister had several miscarriages- about 3. it is a stressful time on your body and mind.

I am ending the year on a low note. i am trying to focus on the positive and how to use my strenghs to make what i want happen.

it is never crazy to think good things will come with a new year or a new season.

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MELLYBEANS0919 12/14/2010 6:06PM

    Terribly sorry for your loss. I am sure it was nothing you did, these things just happen. emoticon

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NETGNAL 12/14/2010 6:03PM

    I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.

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