ANDRIANA11   4,164
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Checking in - Therapy

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Trying a new way of blogging
Loading off thoughts and feelings

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X5X52000 7/8/2013 5:32PM

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MRS_TOAD 7/4/2013 9:01AM


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PLATINUM755 7/3/2013 5:28PM

    I'm so glad you vlogged your feelings. I could hear how difficult this was and yet you stepped up to the situation. emoticon I hope you gave yourself a hug too! You are brave! You are strong! You are intelligent!...and You are not alone here! emoticon emoticon

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STR458 7/2/2013 7:20PM


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Italy woke me up from my destructive restricting

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Café Minerva, Piazza Duomo, Athene's temple, Siracusa, Sicily, Italy. That is where I am writing from this very moment. I am attending a training with leading experts in my field. I was selected amongst 300 applicants and 100 of us made the cut. PhDs, experts, researchers and there is me, an unpaid intern.

The past few days I have tried to climb my Everest, sometimes I succeeded other times I failed. Siracusa is known for its great food, its beautiful weather and its rich history. I find it magical. Even so I have been struggling. Making friends has proven almost impossible. I keep setting these high expectations just to be crushed. This I only realised after talking to my therapist and piecing things out.

I feel very uncomfortable in social situations at the moment. I have felt a little alone and a little brave, so during this trip I told myself to get out there and meet some new people. Except when I did, they weren't as I expected. I thought with some I shared similar interests but she was not interested in hanging out with me. My roommate only wants to watch series all day even though we are in Sicily, the sun is shinning and the place is filled with civilisation and a rich history yet to discover. I don't understand her. I just let her be. She is nice anyways.

So my Everest is to have a meal at a restaurant, and by meal I mean no salad with dressing on the side. I tried once after a tearful phone call with my therapist. He worked up some courage in me. I don't trust myself but I trust in his professional words and if I fall flat on my face I can hold on to my support system.

Piazza Duomo, a group of participants, diner. I did not know most of them. Anxious and embarrassed I ate my Mediteranean salad without sauce. Are you sure you do not want dressing? Yes yes, I ate too much pasta today (lie). I was tired physically and mentally so I went back to my hotel and crashed in bed. There I did not eat more. Because dinner was at a table with company this time. Even though I am very much below my calorie intake. I wanted some sense of normality. A word I should be allergic to these days, but for now I will use.

I tried at least, tomorrow is another day.

It is up to me to change and recover. But I have to believe and mean it. Not just tell myself superficially and still continue in my comforting rituals. I have to break free, believe and put it in practice.

I hope to get there eventually.

I am now eating at 1400 calories and really trying hard to reach 1500 calories
I can do this. It is good for me

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDRIANA11 6/18/2013 8:35AM

    A million thank you for all your support.
I am doing much better.
Eating 1500 cals now and trying to split it well over my day. But I still eat too much at dinner. Like 750 cals to catch up.

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MRS_TOAD 6/9/2013 9:16AM

    I hope this is an adventure of a lifetime for you! emoticon !

Comment edited on: 6/9/2013 9:17:28 AM

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SUNKAT 6/7/2013 5:34PM

    It is so hard to be in a strange land with strangers. You feel like a misfit, you have no one to share a special moment with. Try very hard to go out and explore and make special, memorable times for you. And keep posting here. We understand! You are not really alone!

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X5X52000 6/7/2013 9:10AM

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LALMEIDA 6/6/2013 7:52PM

  emoticon Enjoy Italy as much as you can! emoticon

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GRANDMABABA 6/6/2013 5:36PM

    Have an amazing adventure!

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PLATINUM755 6/6/2013 2:27PM

    I can feel the excitement you have about being selected and attending the conference. You think you;re alone but you really aren't. Accept your love to explore and go for it; don't let others impact your energy. It's wonderful to have others be with you but it's alright to do some things on your own. Enjoy yourself and share what you can! emoticon

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KANOE10 6/6/2013 11:30AM

    I hope the beauty of Italy makes your trip more enjoyable. It is hard to constantly eat around people you do not really know. Good for you holding strong and eating salads without dressings. I have been to conferences where I did not really connect with anyone. Hang in there. Hugs. emoticon

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Binge free ?

Thursday, May 09, 2013

As I am working with my therapist, he has set me a challenge this week: to eat dinner prepared by my family and eat it with them. I haven’t had the occasion to do this yet. Partly because, I am still terrified, even if I know that a burger is not going to make me obese overnight and that I should trust myself and the lessons I learned to balance the next morning. Go for a run or have a salad. Still I am terrified.

My brother is visiting again and this is always a stressful time for me because it means having to eat together. I live with my mother at the moment and she has let me weigh my food, I count calories too (but she does not know). My counting calories is not obsessive actually, it is simply an app on my phone. I eat in the healthy range of 1400 calories. I count calories as part of maintaining my weight.

My mother also lets me have dinner in my bed in the evening. This is actually a very dangerous territory because when I binged in the past. It would be behind closed doors, watching a movie and gulping down food. This time it is not a binge per say because I only eat healthy food, within my calorie range. But there are emotions coming up, when it does I take a break, breathe; try to let the emotions surface. If I don’t I would binge.

Standing at the bus stop this morning, I realized that it has been a little less than two years that I have not binged. I cannot remember when I stopped. I just did. My father past away in 2011 and I moved in with my mother. Since I don’t think I binged. Living with her made me feel less lonely and bored in the evenings. But this was an unconscious transition now that I think about it.

After a few months of moving in, I asked her to help me with losing weight. We went to a dietitian, and instead of dieting we changed a lot of our eating habits. Since I have been experimenting with healthier recipies. Lots of veggies, tofu, lean meat etc…

So it has been a little less than two years. I have not gone overboard. So why am I so scared of food now.

I know that I can eat and not get fat.
I can exercise to balance it out.
I can try my best to feel emotions so that I wouldn’t revert to food (try I say)
I really just have to trust myself.

I am so scared of that a burger would send me overboard.

A little story for my sparkers

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

X5X52000 6/4/2013 7:36PM


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MRS_TOAD 5/13/2013 8:27AM

    I'm not sure why you are so scared. It's been two years since you have binged. You are eating within your calories. You are exercising. You are choosing healthy food options. All of these things should give you confidence! Each and every one of them are a sign of a successful journey and an extremely successful person!

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MYRTROSE 5/11/2013 9:18PM

    Two years is a very long time. You are very strong!

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CAMAEL100 5/10/2013 4:05PM

    You have done great getting to nearly two years. Is it the burger that bothers you? If so I would plan a different meal. I bet you could make something that would be a compromise. Doesn't have to be low calorie, just something you are comfortable with. Eating normally doesn't mean you have to be able to eat everything. There can be things that you chose not to eat and that doesn't mean you have any problems around food.

You have come so far, it is fantastic. Try to relax and enjoy the meal and the company which is the most important thing.

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KANOE10 5/10/2013 8:22AM

    You have developed strong habits in the last two years! Wonderful that you have not binged. Yes, we still have lingering fears that eating certain foods will trigger you back to bingeing. You can do it.

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PLATINUM755 5/9/2013 3:38PM

    The power is IN YOU! You've put distance between your old habits and the healthier lifestyle and you've done a wonderful job. You've built a support system and routine that's putting action behind your goals. Believe in yourself. Your Spark Buds do! emoticon emoticon

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CHRISTINASP 5/9/2013 2:00PM

    That is great that you have not binged for such a long time!

Is it in particular a burger you're worried about? Could you maybe ask, in that case, to eat something else?
Of course, I'm not in your shoes and I don't know all the background, but I'm thinking that indeed eating dinner alone in your bed may not be the best way. In order to 'normalize' your eating it maybe a good idea to eat with others, or maybe just at a table in your room rather than 'in bed'?

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MSFROGGIE 5/9/2013 1:19PM

    I'm glad you are going to a professional regarding your eating habits. I did too, it was the hardest thing I ever did. It helped me to realize where are the trigger points.

Sounds like you are doing a great job! Keep it up!

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RAEMICIA 5/9/2013 9:23AM

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No motivation to lift weights

Monday, April 29, 2013

As I am going through : mood up then down
Working on my therapy and trying to get in touch with emotions so that it does not affect my relationship with food. It is truly affecting my ability to motivate myself to do anything really
Unfortunately this week and last that includes: to exercise- lifting weights and the gym

I know it is important but my troubles are making me feel weak and sluggish

Suprisingly, I have not had a rest day last week but I did more Bikram yoga than cardio or weights. But, I cannot seem to motivate myself to step into the gym and this worries me

At the same time I cannot read my body at the moment because of my mood affecting: appetite, motivation etc...

I do not want to blow it out of proportion, may be it is a normal reaction.
I just never want to become a couch potatoe again. It reminds me of dark overweight times

This is my confession
I hope and pray no one else is going through the same thing

Love always

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRS_TOAD 5/3/2013 8:36AM

    I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. Just keep working on making healthy choices as consistently as possible. No matter how small the success, it is still a success!


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MYRTROSE 4/29/2013 11:50PM

    I think it's great you're caring for yourself so well. You HAVE maintained a fitness routine with the yoga, albeit a different one than you'd been doing.
What you're doing in therapy is important work and very taxing. I really admire that you've kept up with your fitness as well.
The gym will come with time. Maybe try working out at home for right now if that's all you can manage. You are doing the right things to take good care of yourself, body and mind!

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OOLALA53 4/29/2013 6:54PM

    Not having a desire and not having motivation are not the same thing.

Have your written down a list of reasons it would be good to do brisk exercise and do resistance moves? If not, please do that right away. Make it easy for yourself to reread the list several times a day for the next few weeks. Then reread the list until you have at least a minimum exercise program in place.

I also suggest setting low minimums. It can be very hard to start if you believe you can't give yourself credit unless you workout hard for 45 minutes.

When I've been out of it, I start with giving myself credit for 4 minutes of bodyweight exercises for resistance (dont' have to go to the gym) and 10 minutes of brisk walking or the equivalent. When I start doing that consistently, I find I want to do more.

Don't wait to feel like it. Just get down and do a plank for 30 seconds or 12 squats or something!

And read that list. It was crucial for me when I changed my eating habits three years ago.

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PLATINUM755 4/29/2013 6:49PM

    When I started SP it was basically to lose weight but my journey has expanded so much. A healthy lifestyle means more than weight loss, it's about the total package. You've worked hard to reach your fitness level. Don't let going/or not going to the gym define your accomplishments. Find activities that don't require the gym and there are a lot and add music to the mix. I find that music really touches my soul and can help when I need to big deep for motivation. You can reach and maintain weight loss goals without ever going to the gym. And give some thought to the fact that you haven't lost motivation. Your focus has simply changed and the two can coexist! emoticon emoticon

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ANDRIANA11 4/29/2013 11:07AM

    Dear Christina SP

Thank you for your encouragement. It has been quite challenging these past few days. My thoughts and worries got the best of me at times. The truth is I am constantly worried about how much I am eating etc.. Too much ? too little? I know this is the tip of the iceberg and that I need to address this in therapy. So as I worry about that I end up not stepping into the gym even though it will surely do me some good. Anyways you are right I am not giving up the overall goal is to be OK with ME. SO tonight even if I feel like curling up in a ball under the covers I will make sure to make it to therapy. Gosh it will be a heavy one this time.

I hope you are well Christina and a million thanks for your support.

Comment edited on: 4/29/2013 11:08:35 AM

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CHRISTINASP 4/29/2013 10:20AM

    When you say 'confession' it's as if you're talking about a crime. But you are not an offender, you are dealing with down moods. And it sounds like you are still doing very well with the Bikram. maybe you can start by taking some extra walks. Walking often helps to improve the mood.
Getting in touch with your emotions can be a very 'heavy work'. So it's no wonder you feel heavy and like 'dragging yourself around'. It is very important work though. So your relationship with food won't be affected, as you said. BUT even more important: so your relationship with YOURSELF will be better and life overall will be easier and more light for you!

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S.O.S maintenance confusion ... Why is the scale going UP?

Monday, April 15, 2013

Weight keeps going up even if I log everything.
Ate within my calorie range. Most times I did not even eat my exercise calories.
Exercised 6 days this week.
What am I doing wrong?

My suggested BMR maintenance is 1440 cals and that is what I eat but I am confused.

I have been increasing: dairy low fat, soya yogurt, brown bread and some rice, more sugar too.
I think it might be the sugar.

Any ideas sparkers?
always yours
Andriana emoticon

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ANDRIANA11 4/20/2013 7:13AM

    Dear all

So after the little increase which you have all rightly suggested: it was the sugar in my dairy. I eat low fat dairy but the fruity kind and have been abusing it without noticing the sugar content. So I cut back on that and would rather have natural kind, add my own fresh fruits for now. Also the sodium was a culprit. I have been having this instant soups. My gosh the chemicals in them. So instead I eat them rarely now.

All in all I stepped on the scale and it went down. Lost what I supposedly gained. I am really happy with this weight and pray and work hard at maintaining it. With all your advice I am best equipped. Thank you soooooo much I really hope that others will learn from these interactions as well.

We can do this
Keep being healthy: body mind and soul

Love all around

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MRS_TOAD 4/19/2013 8:26AM

    Sodium, maybe?

Have you discussed this with your doctor? They might be able to be of some help.

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CHOCSUNDAE 4/18/2013 2:32PM

    It's funny, I just came back from my weekly Weight Watcher's weigh-in and I was fretting about the scale going up when I noticed your blog. I needed to see all the comments that are here.

emoticon and so will I!! I'm rooting for you!!


Comment edited on: 4/18/2013 2:32:49 PM

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OOLALA53 4/15/2013 10:33PM

    Sometimes the body retains water and then it will let go of it in a woosh that shows up on the scale.

However, suggested calorie amounts are just estimations. The body is the real measure.

Are you eating reasonably, getting legitimately hungry for your meals and avoiding getting very full? Are you exercising moderately and consistently? Hold your head high no matter what the scale says.

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    It is possible that your body is losing fat but replacing it with muscle. If this happens, it makes sense that your weight might go up some. If I spend a period of time not exercising, this tends to happen to me for the first several weeks. Keep at it for another few weeks and see what happens. emoticon

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PLATINUM755 4/15/2013 8:34PM

    I read the other comments and have to agree with all of them. With the increased caloric intake, your body has to be adjusting to that and the increase in sugar and salt found in the foods. Give yourself some time and keep experimenting with the mix of food, water, and physical activity until you find your balance. emoticon emoticon

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MJREIMERS 4/15/2013 7:06PM

    Be patient! Sometimes when you work out and start developing muscle, the scale will go up. It will be ok! Just give it time and hang in there.

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VICKI-B- 4/15/2013 10:02AM

  Check your sodium. You may be getting too much. To really lose weight, it's recommended you stay below 1500 grams. emoticon

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KANOE10 4/15/2013 8:12AM

    I would try cutting down on the sugar. Great job of exercising 6 days. Hang in there. You are learning about maintenance and your body. You can do it.


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ANDRIANA11 4/15/2013 6:46AM

    Dear Christina it went up by 800 grams in two weeks. Since I hit the 1440-1600 (max).
I don't really know what to do because I feel so much energy now with more nutrition so may be it is just my body reacting. Should I readjust a little do you think?

You are right. I am just going to relax, keep up my effort and we shall see. At least now I know when I am feeling down it is my mood and not my "I must eat because I feel tired".

Thank you for your support

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TINAJANE76 4/15/2013 6:42AM

    Hi Andriana! Thanks for your comments on my SparkPage. To answer your question, yes, I think you could have experienced a gain eating only 1,440 calories a day on average because your caloric intake was so low when you were losing weight. Following an extremely low-calorie plan can mess up your metabolism, which can mean that your maintenance calorie range will be lower than another person's of your same age, height and weight who had never been heavier before. You might eventually be able to go up to 1,440 (or even higher since you're very active), but your body probably got used to eating less than 1,000 calories a day and is responding with a gain. I'd suggest scaling back a bit, maybe to 1,200, try that for a week or so and see how you do. If you lose weight, add another 50 each week until your weight levels off and see where you land. You may have just increased your calories too rapidly. Adding more sugar to your diet could also be the culprit. I often find that when I try new combinations of food, they afffect my weight--sometimes making it go up and other times making it go down. If you weren't accustomed to eating a lot of sugar before and now you're eating quite a bit more, that could also be the culprit. Successful maintaining involves a lot of experimentation, so keep at it and eventually you'll find the right balance. Good luck!

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CHRISTINASP 4/15/2013 5:58AM

    I wonder how much your weight went up. It could be a simple fluctuation.
If you are going to scratch anything, sugar is probably the best thing to scratch as it doesn't contain any nutrients that the body needs.
I would not worry too much if I were you, my impression is that you are doing very well and are determined to take very good care of yourself so in the long run, this will pay off and you will be fine.
You're one who keeps looking for answers - this means you will FIND them, too!

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