Tuesday, July 02, 2013
Trying a new way of blogging
Loading off thoughts and feelings
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Café Minerva, Piazza Duomo, Athene's temple, Siracusa, Sicily, Italy. That is where I am writing from this very moment. I am attending a training with leading experts in my field. I was selected amongst 300 applicants and 100 of us made the cut. PhDs, experts, researchers and there is me, an unpaid intern.
The past few days I have tried to climb my Everest, sometimes I succeeded other times I failed. Siracusa is known for its great food, its beautiful weather and its rich history. I find it magical. Even so I have been struggling. Making friends has proven almost impossible. I keep setting these high expectations just to be crushed. This I only realised after talking to my therapist and piecing things out.
I feel very uncomfortable in social situations at the moment. I have felt a little alone and a little brave, so during this trip I told myself to get out there and meet some new people. Except when I did, they weren't as I expected. I thought with some I shared similar interests but she was not interested in hanging out with me. My roommate only wants to watch series all day even though we are in Sicily, the sun is shinning and the place is filled with civilisation and a rich history yet to discover. I don't understand her. I just let her be. She is nice anyways.
So my Everest is to have a meal at a restaurant, and by meal I mean no salad with dressing on the side. I tried once after a tearful phone call with my therapist. He worked up some courage in me. I don't trust myself but I trust in his professional words and if I fall flat on my face I can hold on to my support system.
Piazza Duomo, a group of participants, diner. I did not know most of them. Anxious and embarrassed I ate my Mediteranean salad without sauce. Are you sure you do not want dressing? Yes yes, I ate too much pasta today (lie). I was tired physically and mentally so I went back to my hotel and crashed in bed. There I did not eat more. Because dinner was at a table with company this time. Even though I am very much below my calorie intake. I wanted some sense of normality. A word I should be allergic to these days, but for now I will use.
I tried at least, tomorrow is another day.
It is up to me to change and recover. But I have to believe and mean it. Not just tell myself superficially and still continue in my comforting rituals. I have to break free, believe and put it in practice.
I hope to get there eventually.
I am now eating at 1400 calories and really trying hard to reach 1500 calories
I can do this. It is good for me
Thursday, May 09, 2013
As I am working with my therapist, he has set me a challenge this week: to eat dinner prepared by my family and eat it with them. I haven’t had the occasion to do this yet. Partly because, I am still terrified, even if I know that a burger is not going to make me obese overnight and that I should trust myself and the lessons I learned to balance the next morning. Go for a run or have a salad. Still I am terrified.
My brother is visiting again and this is always a stressful time for me because it means having to eat together. I live with my mother at the moment and she has let me weigh my food, I count calories too (but she does not know). My counting calories is not obsessive actually, it is simply an app on my phone. I eat in the healthy range of 1400 calories. I count calories as part of maintaining my weight.
My mother also lets me have dinner in my bed in the evening. This is actually a very dangerous territory because when I binged in the past. It would be behind closed doors, watching a movie and gulping down food. This time it is not a binge per say because I only eat healthy food, within my calorie range. But there are emotions coming up, when it does I take a break, breathe; try to let the emotions surface. If I don’t I would binge.
Standing at the bus stop this morning, I realized that it has been a little less than two years that I have not binged. I cannot remember when I stopped. I just did. My father past away in 2011 and I moved in with my mother. Since I don’t think I binged. Living with her made me feel less lonely and bored in the evenings. But this was an unconscious transition now that I think about it.
After a few months of moving in, I asked her to help me with losing weight. We went to a dietitian, and instead of dieting we changed a lot of our eating habits. Since I have been experimenting with healthier recipies. Lots of veggies, tofu, lean meat etc…
So it has been a little less than two years. I have not gone overboard. So why am I so scared of food now.
I know that I can eat and not get fat.
I can exercise to balance it out.
I can try my best to feel emotions so that I wouldn’t revert to food (try I say)
I really just have to trust myself.
I am so scared of that a burger would send me overboard.
A little story for my sparkers
Monday, April 29, 2013
As I am going through : mood up then down
Working on my therapy and trying to get in touch with emotions so that it does not affect my relationship with food. It is truly affecting my ability to motivate myself to do anything really
Unfortunately this week and last that includes: to exercise- lifting weights and the gym
I know it is important but my troubles are making me feel weak and sluggish
Suprisingly, I have not had a rest day last week but I did more Bikram yoga than cardio or weights. But, I cannot seem to motivate myself to step into the gym and this worries me
At the same time I cannot read my body at the moment because of my mood affecting: appetite, motivation etc...
I do not want to blow it out of proportion, may be it is a normal reaction.
I just never want to become a couch potatoe again. It reminds me of dark overweight times
This is my confession
I hope and pray no one else is going through the same thing
Monday, April 15, 2013
Weight keeps going up even if I log everything.
Ate within my calorie range. Most times I did not even eat my exercise calories.
Exercised 6 days this week.
What am I doing wrong?
My suggested BMR maintenance is 1440 cals and that is what I eat but I am confused.
I have been increasing: dairy low fat, soya yogurt, brown bread and some rice, more sugar too.
I think it might be the sugar.
Any ideas sparkers?
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