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I will always feel fat.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

People tell me I'm crazy every time they hear that I want to drop about 10 pounds. I've been told numerous times that I don't need to lose ten pounds. But, I now what I weigh and what I see when I look in the mirror probably doesn't match what you see when you look at me. I feel fat, and I feel fat because I know I can live a little bit healthier than I am. No matter what I weigh or what I look like, I'll probably always feel fat. That's just how it is for a former fat person. You can't erase the insecurities and embarrassment felt when you are fat. The fat disappears, but the emotions stick around. You never want to be fat again, and that fear constantly makes you feel like you could be doing better, you could be looking better, you could weigh less.

My feelings were reconfirmed today when I received my Runner's World Magazine. An article written this month was on this exact topic. The author had been fat and had lost weight, and even when his doctor told him to be careful not to lose too much weight, he felt fat. He gained some of the weight back and then went on a journey to re-lose it. When he'd dropped thirty pounds he still felt fat.

I was 205 pounds. I have pictures showing me what I looked like then and I have pictures showing what I look like now. I can see the difference in the pictures. Yet, it never fails, when I look in the mirror I still feel like that 205 pound person. I still see all this fat on my body despite my insane exercise routine and my mainly healthy diet. Do I have body issues? Obviously. When I reach my goal weight will they go away? Probably not. However, I do realize that there are certain weights my body should never reach. I know I will never weigh 110 pounds. I know I will never weigh 120 or 125 pounds, and I'm ok with that. I don't, however, feel it is unreasonable for me to attempt to reach 135 pounds. But, everyone else seems to think so (my doctor is ok with it, so shouldn't everyone else be?).

Even though I realize that I no longer resemble that 205 pound person, she's still there inside of me, haunting me. Even though I see her every time I look in the mirror, I know it's a facade. But, she's still there. She's not going away. In some ways this is a good thing - it helps prevent me from gaining all the weight back. I mean, it has been 10 years and I am still 62 pounds lighter than I was (with a few uphill battles in between). That's an accomplishment and I should be proud (don't get me wrong, I am), but I still feel like it's not good enough.

Will I ever feel happy with myself? Will I ever think my body has reached an acceptable point? Will I ever not care what the scale says when I step on it? Will I ever be able to control my insane binging when I have a rough emotional time? Will I ever see my real self when I look in a mirror? Will I ever not feel fat?

There's only one way to find out, and that's to keep trudging along, to keep working at being the best person I can be.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

UMMRANIA 4/10/2011 8:53AM

    I just searched for "i still feel fat" and found your blog-I feel the same, hang in there!

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January 17, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

h, a long weekend. This is just what I needed. Sadly, I still have a bunch to accomplish today, but at least it's a little break.

I noticed the other day that my ab muscles have reappeared. I knew they were in there somewhere hidden underneath the layer of fat that I built on top of them. My abs have always been my favorite thing. My stomach is flat and you can my abs are defined. Do I have a six-pack? No. Do I want one? No, I think that looks gross on women. But, I'm 100% comfortable wearing a bikini top, because I know my upper body looks fantastic.

I would never wear the bikini bottom, however. I'll always wear a pair of shorts or a skirt over it. Why? I am so self-conscious about my bottom half. My thighs have shrunk, but they are still far too large, and my butt? It's ginormous. I'm completely out of proportion. Everyone constantly tells me that this is a good thing - that everyone likes a big butt, but no, I don't. It makes me feel huge. When I can wear extra-small and small tops and have to buy medium bottoms (sometimes large!) I just feel like a huge dork. When I can wear size 2 (sleeveless, because my arms are so damn big too!) or size 4 tops, and my pants are a size 8, I feel huge. I've always wanted my bottom half to match my upper half. I'm starting to realize that's probably never going to happen and I need to come to terms with it.

As long as I'm living a healthy, active lifestyle I should feel good about myself. The size of my clothes (or of my behind) should not dictate how I feel about myself.



Thursday, January 13, 2011

You're either in or your out. Otherwise, you're making excuses. If you want something strongly enough, then you will do whatever it takes to achieve it, and if you don't, it's because you didn't do what you need to do, so stop making excuses.

I was the queen of making excuses. "I'm not going to go to the gym today because I'm tired." "I'm not going to go for my run today because my legs are feeling sore/tired." "I'm not going to do my paperwork today because I have other more important stuff to do." (Like sit on the couch and watch a movie). Any time I didn't accomplish a goal it wasn't because I was incapable of doing so, it was because I slacked off and made excuses - I didn't give 100%.

I'm a different person now, and I'm happy about that. If I don't accomplish something I'd like to, or I don't do something as well as I like, I no longer throw myself a pity party and make excuses. "Well, I didn't do as well as I could have because there was a frog crossing the road and he was in my way." No, not anymore. I accept the fact that if things didn't go my way, I didn't put in 100% and I work on that for the next time. There's no more "I didn't succeed because (insert something that is someone else's fault here)." It's my fault, and I accept responsibility.

If I don't make time, it's my fault. It's not because there isn't enough time. If I opt to stay in the house instead of head to the gym, that's my fault. It's not because I'm incapable of leaving my house. And, in the event that I am incapable of leaving my house, why not work out at home? If I eat that delicious looking piece of chocolate, or I inhale an entire half gallon of ice cream, that's my fault. The ice cream was not taunting me from the freezer and the piece of chocolate did not jump from the box into my mouth and force it's way down my throat.

I think that everyone has days when they make excuses, but some definitely do it more than others. I've noticed it in other people now. Once I decided that I was going to either be all in or all out, and if I failed it was on me, I started noticing how everyone makes excuses for everything. "I couldn't make it to the gym last night because..." "I couldn't eat a healthy dinner last night because...". If you want it, you'll do it. Simple as that.

Another pet peeve I have is people who complain about their situation and don't do anything about it. If you have something that you are unhappy about, do something about it. You can. There's no such thing as "I can't", it's only "I won't.", and if you're choosing not to, then don't complain about it. It's your decision - live with it.

I'll get off my soap box now. Just don't give me any excuses as to why you can't do something anymore...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAYLADIVA777 1/15/2011 3:21AM

    We start doing better the minute we are honest with ourselves and that's exactly what you're doing :) emoticon emoticon

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January 12, 2011

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The idea of a snow day scared me. Would I be responsible enough to stay at home all day and not consume everything in my house? Would I sit on my ass, watch TV all day and munch on everything in the cabinets? Would I do anything productive?

Last night before I went to bed I said that I could stay in bed as late as I wanted provided I cleaned the entire house when I got out of bed. I woke up at eight, had breakfast and a glass of water, weighed myself (excited!) and went back to bed. My plan was to just rest another two hours, but when I finally dragged my butt out of bed at noon, I knew today was going to be a tough one mentally.

I watched the news for a little while before I became frustrated at hearing coverage of the blizzard over and over again. I went online, did some research, punched some numbers, and ate lunch - a spinach salad with tomato, cucumbers, feta, and grilled chicken. Yum. I sat around for another half an hour thinking about cleaning. Finally, I said to myself - this is the ONLY time this week you are going to have to clean your house. If you don't clean it now, then you won't have time to do so again until probably the end of the month. GET GOING! I reminded myself that while cleaning isn't technically exercise it was far better than sitting on my butt on the couch all day and watching nonsense.

I never watch television, but when I'm stuck in my house it's what I end up doing. So, I turned to the music station and just started cleaning.

My house is clean, my laundry is done, my car is dug out, and it's almost time for a snack.

Today was supposed to be my "off" day - no running, no strength training, nothing. However, because of my friend Steve's taunts throughout the day, among others, I decided that it couldn't hurt to throw some extra cardio in there and burn some extra calories. I found this workout online. Reading through it, I thought it sounded challenging but doable. I thought it was a great workout because you can make it what you want it to be. If you are a beginner, you can knock it down a notch, if you are advanced, you can push yourself and go at a quicker pace. I opted for the second option and kept my RPE (rate of perceived exertion) between an 8 and 9 the entire time. I also opted to do everything for 1 minute instead of some of them at 30 seconds. In total, with my warm up and cooldown it took about 30 minutes and it felt as if I had run better than a 5k in that time period. I estimate it burned about 300 calories, probably more because it was far more challenging than running 3 miles at a medium pace. But, better to underestimate than overestimate!

I'm still feeling really great 12 days into my journey (9 days ahead of everyone else), and I'm really hoping I can keep it up. I love how I feel, and don't know why I would want to go back to feeling like crap.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRAZYB79 1/12/2011 9:50PM

    Well, I for one think you are doing an excellent job! Everyone has those days where they procrastinate a little. But the fact that you DID get up and accomplish what you wanted means that you do have that "mind over matter" mind frame that is needed. I don't feel like cleaning and doing laundry on my off days either, and frequently procrastinate until I tell myself "now or never". Then I get up and do it. And since I procrastinated for half of the day, I have to squeeze everything I want to do into what is left of the day. But the way I look at it is, the more pressed for time, the faster you move, the more calories you burn. And a little hint.... browse the cardio in your fitness tracker. Heavy cleaning IS in there. But don't use it for every day or light cleaning. It's more for tackling the garage or basement. Or in my case, my daughters room.... ugh! There is also other household activities listed. In fact, I think snow removal is in there too. So keep it up you're doing great!

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