Monday, October 07, 2013
I've watched the Weight Loss shows and have seen when the contestants have the emotional breakdowns and the audience is shown the "Why" of their obesity. The majority of the time it can be traced back to some traumatic childhood incident that affected this person in such a negative way that they lost the ability to control their appetite and their weight ballooned to a grotesque amount. I always cry along with them and then secretly wish that I had some terrible "thing" that I could blame my weight on. But no, I had a good life. I was happy!! From the time I was a toddler, I had a sunny disposition. Everyone adored me, and that sentiment has followed me my whole life. Sure, I was chubby...but I was pretty and smart and funny and witty and sexy and confident and popular and charming and just full of personality. What wasn't there to love?? I didn't struggle with depression, or loneliness or self loathing or anything else that I could get psychological help for. I just had love for food that had been passed down for generations. This attitude took me through my 20's and into my 30's. It brought me to a marriage with a wonderful, handsome man and gave me four beautiful children. And then something happened. Perhaps a self realization, a moment of clarity where I saw my life for the farce that it was. I started to wonder why I couldn't get a handle on my weight. Why I had earned 116 credit hours for college and then dropped out and had no career. Why I was a good mom but not a great mom. Why I was a good wife but not a great wife. Why I was a good daughter, friend, sister...but just not great. Why I loved God but could not commit to a real relationship. Why was everything in my life just adequate but not fantastic? Where oh where was my passion? And then I saw it for what it was...my only passion, the only thing I was really, really good at was being fat. Why? I began to question myself. I started to look where all the good weight loss shows looked: at my past. Well, my parents were divorced and my biological father had really pulled a number on me, mentally and spiritually. He is a pastor of a Mega Church yet I know how severely he would beat my mother while she was pregnant with me; she was so badly beaten that both she and I almost died at my birth. I suppose I may have some repressed issues with that guy. I recently remembered how when I was 8 or 9 and began to first get chubby, he and his wife and his parents would all crowd into the bathroom with me and place me on the scale and tsk about how much I weighed. Then they would offer me one dollar for every pound I would lose. I guess it didn't work. When I was 20 years old I got a job near where they lived and I moved in with him for the first time since I was a baby. There was a weekly weigh in where they "encouraged" me to lose weight. They also asked me not to sit on their wicker patio furniture anymore because they felt that I was ruining it. I have never shared these things with anybody. Not my mom, my step-dad, my husband, sisters, brother or friends. This is the first time I put it in writing. Can I blame weighing 265 pounds on that alone? I don't know. Is there more? Yes. I haven't spoken to my dad in 15 months but I haven't told him why. I just stopped answering his phone calls, emails and Facebook messages. Sometimes I like to avoid dealing with things.
Well, lots of people have crappy Dads. But I had a great Mom and a great Step-Dad (who legally adopted me so my biological father wouldn't have to pay child support!). My best friends were my sisters and my hero was my brother. Life was good. It really was. I don't have many complaints. I'm still a little spoiled from my parents and so are my kids. (My girls have an entire room dedicated to American Girl Dolls....if you know what that is about, you are pretty much in awe right now!! Thanks Gramma and Grandpa!) However, in the past six months as I have been on this, for lack of a better word, "journey" I have realized that my mom is narcissistic and a major hypochondriac. She can be overly exhausting. I love her with all my heart but sometimes....oh, sometimes.....why I'd like to.....well, you get the point. I don't have to spell it out for you.
So, bringing it back to present day...I have no fabulous talents, interests or hobbies. Unless shoveling food into my mouth counts in any of those categories. I have joined the BLC and the challenge was to write a blog, which I have done. I wasn't sure what I was going to write about and apparently I started typing and my heart took over. I'm not 100% sure where I need to go and what I need to do but I think that I know now that I don't love myself quite as much as I thought I did. And that perhaps I am self sabotaging with food. My next step is to find passion in being healthy. Find passion in exercise. And to shelf the "F-it" attitude!
Thanks for listening to me!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
It only took me 4 months but after seeing NSV several times on SparkPeople I finally realized it means Non Scale Victory. (Please correct me if I'm wrong!) So I took some time to consider this, after feeling down about only losing 30 pounds over the last 4 months. And I have realized the absolute biggest difference between last summer and this summer is that I am Playing with my kids. Last year I would take them outside and sit in a chair, reading a book and not get up unless absolutely necessary. This year I have been swimming with thm several times, I play catch with my oldest daughter a few times a week, we play frisbee, kickball and have races! We are having a great summer and the real NSV is seeing the smiling faces on my babies! I have so much more weight to lose but I am going to celebrate havin fun with my kids for now!!
Saturday, June 08, 2013
I have all this exercise equipment and tools and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I mean, technically I know what to do. I just sometimes feel overwhelmed about what exactly to do and I end up not working out until almost noon! I realized that I need a weekly workout schedule to follow but I am not sure exactly how to devise one. I have spent the morning googling workout plans but everything I am finding is geared towards the already very physically fit. So, I thought I would send out a plea for help from my Spark friends!
This is what I have:
A stationary bike
A punching bag
2 exercise balls
2 resistance bands
A 7lb kettlebell
Slim in 6 DVD (which I use for strength training on my legs)
1 sister who is my workout buddy most days!
I saw this quote which made me feel that scheduling my workouts would be beneficial:
"If you talk about it, it's a dream.
If you envision it, it's possible.
But if you schedule it, it's real."
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
I generally don't blame any one thing (besides myself) for my weight....but if I had to choose one particular food that is my Achilles Heel it would undoubtedly be Chinese food. I love it! I don't care that the meat is of questionable sources, I don't care that it comes with an extra helping of MSG. Whatever magical processes they use turns it into deliciousness with a fortune cookie! I have literally been to Chinese restaurants all over the world (except for China, that would just be weird!) So, tonight when my little girl "graduated" from gymnastics I let her choose what takeout we would get. I suggested Jimmy Johns but No, she wanted Chinese from the mall. Yikes! How would I control myself when I haven't had one tiny, succulent bite of Heaven since February???
We came home and I heated up a grilled chicken breast and sautéed carrots and broccoli from last night. I sat at the table and ate my food, while my family devoured my fav food. I enjoyed my dinner and didn't feel resentment or anger about it! So proud of myself!! Then came that moment.....dundundun! My 5 year old was full and her half empty plate sat there taunting me. I swear to you all, that sweet & sour chicken was doing everything in it's power to entice me. For a few minutes I sat there, staring at those edible bites mocking me while an internal battle raged on. Ya'll know what I'm talking about!!! Fat Me wants to quickly shove that food in my mouth before the new "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" me can Access the damage those few cold bites would do to me! Well, my friends, I am happy to say the score today is:
Chinese Food: 0
I know that the war is still on but I shall meet my old foe one battle at a time!
Sunday, May 05, 2013
I m looking for input advice about the 24 day challenge. I want to do a detox for carbs and sugar so I am trying this out!! I would really love to hear from some "real" people who have done this. Everyone I know was already a skinny mini before doing it! Meal/snack ideas? Especially for the 10 day cleanse! Thanks Spark Friends!
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