Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I spent over 24 hours in lab yesterday. Did experiments all night long. Took a brief 1hr nap in the morning, and kept on trucking. Then I crashed, and ate cookie after cookie at night - it was like I wasn't in my body, and I just saw all the empty wrappers littered around me. And I even went and threw them away in different trashcans so people don't see MY trashcan and think, wow, she ate all of that.... ? (esp since I'm eating more than my share.... these snacks are for everyone, and usually there's just one for each person.... I've probably had 3+ of each...eeks.)
Sleep is definitely important. Good healthy nutrition is important. My face is always a good indicator of how I'm doing with regards to those two things. I have bags under my eyes, my skin is all splotchy, and esp since I've been eating poorly (mostly breads and cookies that come packed with shortening and bad carbs), my face is breaking out and being nasty.
SIX more days and Kendon is coming!!!! I laugh at myself for having the lofty goal of getting down to 115lbs by then. I think setting a goal like that stressed me out even more, especially when I slipped up, and it made me keep binging some more.
So anyways, in this week before Kendon comes, I'm going to focus on something OTHER than my weight. The biggest priority is my research - I need to get a lot done by next week, and that should be my number one goal.
AND!!! I signed up for the half marathon in October...I kept putting it off to make sure that I would stick to my running schedule... well... I haven't been, so I figured - I just need to sign up for the darn thing and hopefully that will motivate me to go run.
I slept for about 11 hours last night. Slept through my three alarms. Couldn't go on a run. Couldn't come in to lab early to start the day's experiments. But you know what? That's ok. I needed the sleep.
Started off my day with some grapes, and banana & yogurt with flax seeds. No bread for today.
Lunch is brocolli/cauliflower/carrot mix with brown rice.
And I have two cucumbers to munch on for snacks.
And I bought a 100% fruit/veggie drink on my way to school.
After all the bread and cookies up til yesterday, I'm gonna reboot my system with all these veggies, and hopefully have a "clean" and healthy week before my bf gets here!!!
Thursday, August 09, 2007
the heavy wave of sleep is starting to sweep past my eyes, and still I refuse to start my second report (due tomorrow). It is almost 3am. Instead of working on my report, I am checking out blogs and sparkpages, running an experiment, pinching my bellyflab, and occasionally falling to the ground for some intense spurts of pushups.
i know why i've been binging. these past couple of days, especially... shamelessly going out and buying lots of bread, mini cheesecakes, eating (more than) my share of the snacks that are on the communal table in lab. it's left me with a puffy face and bloated belly, and breakouts around my mouth. so why do i do this to myself? procrastination is one thing. i am the queen of procrastination. with reports. with work. with planning. with everything! and yes, as i've realized, even with weightloss!! and I think it's a way to sabotage myself, so that, if the endresult is not completely satisfactory, I have the excuse of "oh, I did it last minute." (i've read this somewhere, hm...perhaps it was a spark article?). about how procrastinators are perfectionists, and they are afraid of failing or not being perfect, so they do things last minute so they have an excuse. so with my weightloss efforts--- my goal of reaching 115 by the time my bf gets here. well, it's about 2 weeks away, and the scale has not budged (which I should be thankful for, considering all the binging...). but as soon as i see results (when i'm being healthy) - i seem to sabotage it by going crazy with the food again, letting my guard down when the slightest stressor comes my way.
plus, this is what goes through my head: "you've eaten poorly already, so why not keep doing it today, and you'll start fresh tomorrow. plus, the more junk you eat now, the more you get to lose later" scoff. yeah, right.
ok, i'm really going to try to get this report done so i can at least get some sleep tonight. although, i'm afraid if i do sleep, i won't wake up til late afternoon (lately i haven't been able to wake up til 9-10am everyday...my body seems to demand at least 5-6 hours of sleep).
maybe i'll just stay here at school and sleep at my desk so i won't oversleep.... yeah.
anyhow, i'm done procrastinating for now.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
So, stress of all the work I've been putting off got to me, and the stress of not being able to prioritize and manage my time (I went to a ballet performance last night even though I still had tons of work to do....and another ballet/worship night the day before!). and you know what stress = in my book... yes... lots of carbs. Last night, it was 10pm, but I just WANTED to eat eat eat (sure, I could have waited til morning because I wasn't REALLY hungry, but I just wanted to munch). I bought potstickers and sushi, and ate ALL of that. And watermelon and pineapple. and ate the fruit until I thought I was going to explode. Felt terrible after that but... I guess, it's better than eating til I'm about to explode on BREAD.
Anyway, then I was going to REALLY get work done, but I got sidetracked when I stumbled upon the dove website. Well, first, there was an article about teaching kids positive body image from sparkpeople, which lead me to a dove commercial/short film, which lead me to the website. And this was sort of a wake up call. I've had this thought before - ignore the number on the scale, don't concentrate on restricting and losing weight, but focus on how I'm feeling, try to improve my time/stress management...and the rest will follow. Well, I find myself getting sucked more and more into the scale after I set the goal that i just HAD to be 115 by August 22. Do I HAVE to be 115? no... I haven't been 115 since high school. and I put on 15 lbs all throughout college,...that's 4 years. So I can't expect to lose all of that within the next month.
The first thing I do every morning is get up on the scale. I'm going to hide it.
I spend way too much time thinking about how I'm going to lose this weight, and what my thinner body will look like...when I can be using all this energy and time to actually get labwork done!!! Running/getting fit is important, but i can't be thinking about it ALL the time that I don't have any time left to actually do other stuff in my life.
Anyhow..... I still started this day off pretty badly (THREE pieces of toast slathered with gooey peanut butter and jelly). But you know what? That's ok. It just means I still need to learn to use food to nourish, not drown out feelings of stress/anxiety (what was I stressed about this morning? probably waking up late, AGAIN. and thinking, same as always, I'm not going to get ANYTHING done today). But!!! the day is still young, I'm going to get work done today!
Here's a lil tidbit from the dove website:
------ Body image exercises, from dove website: --------
*Remind yourself of all the things you are besides a body. "I am ... caring, worthwhile, growing," etc.
*Stop thinking that thinner thighs are the answer to all of life's problems. Deal with and set goals about the real issues in your life -- relationships, job.
*Scales belong on a fish. Try to wean yourself off the scales. Too many people allow the scale to dictate how their life is going to be -- "tell me machine, how should I feel today?"
*Make a list of things you are waiting to get thin to do (wearing a belt, eating a chocolate chip cookie, buying clothes, visiting an old friend or family).
*Begin by doing two things per day that you would have done in the past only if you were thinner. It may be the same things that you repeat each day for a while, then try riskier activities. Behave like a person who is comfortable with her body. Watch what happens to the way you walk, interact, and eat.
*Give up judgments about your body. If you find yourself critical of fat thighs, counter the thought with "the sky is blue," a neutral thought to break emotional reaction to the negative one.
*Make friends with your body. You've tried wishing or hating body parts away. Try a tender massage.
*Get rid of all clothes that don't fit. Wearing tight clothing only emphasizes to yourself how "not right" your body is.
*Spend five minutes daily looking at your body in a mirror -- don't judge. Notice curves, length of arms, etc. Compliment yourself.
*Find ways to "nourish" yourself, reward yourself other than by eating.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
My friend said that I was looking slimmer than before, then motioned towards his cheeks/face, and asked if I had lost some weight. I think cutting out binging definitely helps with the pufferfish look. I look like a fish already (I am told I look like Flounder from little mermaid...), so I don't need to be looking like a pufferfish at that. Hopefully as I lose a little more weight, my chubby face will go too.
and a package arrived from my mama - with like, 5-6 jars of peanut butter!!! (except, it's not peanut butter. but organic trader joe's sunflower seed butter, almond butter, macadamia nut & cashew butter... and on and on!!!). MMMMMMmmmmmm. I need to be careful though because I could definitely finish a whole jar in one sitting if I really, really wanted to. Mmm, gooey PB&J sandwiches.... that, and kellogg's bran cereal, (ok, and BREAD) are my weakness.
Today I had PB&J for breakfast, but did not slather on the macadamiabutter. Just enough to cover the bread. And had some macadamiabutter for a snack with some apples. Yum yum. But! I measured out a tablespoon beforehand and did not dig in for seconds.
I have a 6mile run scheduled for today. Hopefully it goes well, cuz this week I've missed a couple runs, and my run yesterday was a sloggish run.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
My favorite number is 33. I love when I see :33 on a digital clock, and even better when it reads 3:33. I get all giddy inside and think that something lucky is going to happen. Whether that's true or not, I don't know, all I know is that I love the number 33.
And how perfect that there are now 33 days left until kendon comes to japan. (not so great is that when I first started the countdown, I had about 60... which means, I just wasted away a month?!? what?!). Now I only have a month left to whip myself into shape.
I lost a good 30 minutes (or, 33 minutes, perhaps?!) of sleep last night making up this little chart. Each day I go binge-free, I get a pink tulip sticker. And I have my runs inked in so that I can check them off each day. I contemplated putting in other exercises/challenges (swimming, taebo, weights), but I decided to holdoff because I know if I don't get to it because of lab/work, then I'll be really bummed. So I'll just write it in everyday, or the day before when I know more what my next day will look like.
That, and....Billy Blanks is MIA...wherefore art thou, BB?? I looked everywhere, under every book and blankie, and there is no sign of my TaeBo DVD! Tear. So I may have to improvise on those days....
Anyways, the last two days have been...horrible, diet/fitness wise. Did not go on my runs, and binged instead. You don't even want to know how much I ate.
So here's to day 33!!! I'm so going to work for that tulip today!
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