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Fat and depressed...

Thursday, October 18, 2012

It's been months since I last posted... or even logged on to SparkPeople. Since giving birth, I've had quite the whirlwind of events, leaving me feeling really down on myself and my body. Needless to say, I'm not happy.

When Alex was two months old, I was having these bouts of extreme stomach pain, usually at night. One night, the pain was so bad, I felt like I was dying. I had some leftover Tylenol with Codeine from giving birth, so I took two. It did nothing. Finally, after an hour of intense pain in the middle of the night, it began to subside. Breastfeeding was not joyous this night.

The next morning, I called my primary physician. She told me to head to the ER. Well, I got there around 3pm. Hey... mommy duty comes first. Besides, the pain was gone at that time. I wasn't comfortable leaving my two month old with anyone other than myself or my husband, so I had my aunt come with me to help me take care of the baby while in the ER. That probably wasn't the wisest choice, but this mommy is too attached. My oldest (7 years old) chose to go with my father. My husband was trying to finish up his work early to get to the ER.

Well, no sooner do my aunt and I pull up to the ER entrance, I start feeling the pain come back. Let's just say, but the time I finally saw a doctor, I had puked all over the waiting room, was screaming in pain, and was pretty incoherent... but I wasn't an emergency for them, per se. My husband did make it before I was called back to a room, so I had him help with the baby.

My poor aunt though.

Anyways, it turned out I had some pretty big gall stones that were stuck and trying to pass. So, I ended up with pancreatitis, and an inflamed liver. The only solution -- remove my gallbladder. I ended up staying in the hospital for nearly five days!!!

Without my baby. Without my oldest. Without my husband.

I was pleasant, but depressed. I was also on a pretty high dose of morphine, so I slept.. A LOT! Thank God for that stuff!

But, I ended up losing my milk supply during that time, even though breastfeeding had been perfect up until that time. I was very disappointed.

After about a month, I was pretty much recovered, except for one incision, which took another whole month to heal. Oh -- that's because I had an allergic reaction to the glue they used to close up my incisions with! Ugh.

Fast forward to today...

I'm sad because, yesterday, I had to put my beloved doggy down to sleep. His name was Dippy. He's been my family's pet for nearly 12 years! He was a pit-bull that I sort of rescued at four months of age (long story). His original name was Killa... but he was nothing but a big, sweet dope... hence his name, Dippy.

My oldest grew up with this dog. Climbed over this dog. Pulled his ears. Yanked his tail. Rode him like a horse. Dippy just gave kisses. I'm so sad to lose him.

Old age wasn't treating him so well, especially these past two weeks. He could no longer hold his bladder, his hips weren't what they used to be, and going number two was a big ordeal (he couldn't arch his back correctly).

We made the very tough decision to euthanize him.... which I thought would be a relatively peaceful way to go, considering the alternative (old age and in pain). It was horrible to witness. He had a seizure from the first medicine they give. I felt so guilty for doing that to him. I wish I hadn't, but at the same time I know living a little longer wouldn't have been much better. Being already almost 12 years old, who's to say he even had until tomorrow.

I guess, I just feel guilty. A part of me feels like I caused his death and that I should have and could have done more. But I also know that I would only be prolonging the inevitable.

A piece of me will always be with that damn, dopey, amazingly wonderful dog.

I almost expect him to be laying in his bed every time I walk past it... but he's not there.

So, I feel sad. Guilty and depressed.

I want to change. I need to change.

I need to start with myself!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEADSBAY 10/18/2012 10:08PM

    You have been through a lot.
Of course you're feeling sad and depressed.
I promise you- things will get better.
Hug those cute boys for me.
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LINDA! 10/18/2012 8:40PM

    emoticon emoticon I am so sorry!

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JIBBIE49 10/18/2012 6:33AM

    I figured you had gallbladder and would need surgery. I had mine out three yrs ago and had two stones the size of golf balls.

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ROXIGIRL 10/18/2012 2:44AM

    I think you might need to talk to someone about you feeling very low. I remember this feeling too well myself.
Please don't keep it inside! Even taking to a friend can help. emoticon

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EOWYN2424 10/18/2012 12:47AM

    {{{HUGS}}}

Hang in there! Tell yourself that things will be alright!

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Baby Is Here!!!

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

On April 12, 2012, I gave birth to our second son, Alexander!

He was born at 6:43am, weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces and 21 inches long!!!

Here he is, less than an hour old... sucking his thumb already!!!


Big brother Raymon finally gets to hold his new little brother!


My long and skinny monkey boy!


Just a picture I really like!


I'm so proud to be a mommy again! It may have taken us nearly five years to get here, but it was worth it! To this day, I still believe I wouldn't haven been able to conceive if I hadn't first lost some of the weight I had lost with SP.

I'm also so very proud of our oldest son for being an awesome big brother. He's absolutely in love with his new little baby brother and it brings me so much joy to know it!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEYETTE 5/2/2012 3:55PM

    Awww both of your children are absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!!

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POKIEFUZZBUCKET 5/1/2012 8:39PM

    Congratulations!!! Your children are so beautiful!


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MEADSBAY 5/1/2012 3:33PM

    Congratulations, Ann and family!
Alexander looks like a tiny angel.
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Big News Finally Revealed!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

With everything that's been going on, I've been quite absent and very unmotivated to log-on to SP. Well, I decided to finally log-on and spill the beans (which could have been spilled a long time ago). Please forgive me for the late announcement.

After four and a half years of "trying"... I'M PREGNANT!
The due date is April 6, 2012.

I'm currently 21 weeks along with another little rambunctious (feeling the kicks already) boy! My son is super excited that's he's having a baby brother. And my husband is still shocked!

So, this is basically why I've been so absent from SP. Although, I must admit, I can't wait to get back on SP because I've gained just about everything I lost. But, I have to thank SP for helping me to lose those initial 30 pounds (even though I gained it back). If I hadn't even lost it in the first place, I probably wouldn't be pregnant today!

Anyways, thank you everyone for sticking by me, even during my time off. I'll post an update here and there, when I remember to get back on. But I'm hoping to return to my normal SP routine in about 5 months, when our new little bundle of joy has arrived, and after I've given my body a little rest (pregnancy is hard work!).

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Belly shot... I look huge already!


First outfit I bought... I couldn't help myself!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APIRLRAIN888 11/26/2011 2:25PM

    Awe congratz that's how long we tried for our son!!!!! Congratz

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DIXIEMCCALL 11/26/2011 2:00PM

    Wow! Congratulations!!!!



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MEADSBAY 11/26/2011 1:32PM

    woooooooo-hoooooooooooo!!
Pretty sure there's a few 'I'm pregnant' teams.

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POKIEFUZZBUCKET 11/26/2011 1:23PM

    Congratulations to you and your family! So exciting.
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JOANN1212 11/26/2011 1:06PM

    cool

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June 16, 2011 - Starting anew!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

It's been a while. A few months to be exactly.

It's time for an update... or a do-over.

Since the past few months have been so stressful and emotional for me, I've really slacked!

So... for the rest of June, I plan on restructuring my goals and my lifestyle. I want to get back into a healthy habits routine. And for July, I want to focus on losing the nearly ten pounds I have gained back! I don't know what I weigh right now because I refused to step on the scale this past Sunday (and the Sunday prior). I'm assuming I'm at 230 again. I'll start weighing myself again this Sunday coming up (Father's Day).

The one good thing that has happened is that my husband returned to school, so I have a lot more time to myself. I'm able to get out more -- by myself, that is. However, I just realized that my son gets out of school for the summer next Friday. So, I only have a week and a day left to be all alone! I'll have to figure something out for the summer time.

How do you exercise during the summer with your kids? I don't have a car on many days, so any ideas would have to incorporate that.

Hope all is going well with everyone! I'm glad to be "back".

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEADSBAY 6/16/2011 2:37PM

    How old is your little guy?
Too big for a jogging stroller?
My niece takes her 2 little ones-age 4 and 6 in a double jogger- they love it cuz they go so fast!
Is he big enough to amuse himself at the playground while you powerwalk around the edge (within sight, of course)?
How about exercise dvd's or on sparkpeople.com?
I loved exercising with my mom to Jack Lalanne when I was little.
Keep some weights or a band in front of the tv and commit to 30-60 minutes a day of moving it!
Get your calories under control-that is even more important than exercising, imho.

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LUCYLU22 6/16/2011 1:59PM

    It is a little harder to workout with kids, but I have 4 and we actually go on long walks around our neighborhood, or go to the park and play kickball, baseball or many other games like that. I didn't do much from December to April, and now I am really back on track. If I can do it, you can too!! Best wishes on getting back on track!!

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Comment edited on: 6/16/2011 2:00:24 PM

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MNGIRLIE 6/16/2011 1:41PM

    Great to see you again!

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RUSSELL_40 6/16/2011 1:20PM

    try frisbee.. fun, but a good workout.. usually from running to get the frisbee..lol.. Maybe not such a good idea. A nature hike, or a bike ride , or the beach.

Welcome back, just take it one day at a time.. remember to not punish yourself, just ease back in.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/16/2011 1:12PM

    Welcome back! When the kids are home, we simply go outside and play. We play tag, have races, see who can run round the house the most times. Lots of stuff you can do. Glad you're back, and I know you can get back on track!

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05/15/2011 - An overdue update!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

First, and foremost, I've gained back five pounds! Eww!

For the past month, I've struggled with my choices, and I have a few ideas why.

1. Audit. First, my taxes got audited this year. This is the first time I have ever been audited.

2. Landlord. So, I resolved to sue my landlord for my security deposit, since he hasn't given it back. Under MA law, I can sue for three times the amount. Of course, this has made one hell of an uncomfortable situation, since I am still looking for another place to live and any reference he might give is obviously going to be influenced by this lawsuit. If you're wondering, we're staying at my father's house, since he stays at his girlfriend's. So, we have the house to ourselves.

3. Moving. The first place we applied for, we were turned down because of our son. The owner's excuse was that the woman on the first floor was single and had no children, so she was only thinking in the best interest of her tenant. We fell in love with it, and we probably shouldn't have. It had a fenced in back yard, great schools, and was located close to friends, family and many shopping conveniences. It was perfect for my family. So, I was very upset when she said no because of my son. Well, as it turns out, that's illegal. In a way, I can understand her point of view, but it's still illegal. If you didn't know, it's illegal to discriminate against someone based on their familial status under the Fair Housing Act.

Well, here comes the stressful part. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am in no way an assertive person and that I usually let things slide. I probably get taken advantage of more often than I should be. So, the combination of me being pissed off at my current landlord and of me being first sad, then angry with this lady for denying me because of my son, I decided to file a complaint with the state discrimination commission.

I don't know why I'm stressing it. It's just I'm really sick and tired of feeling walked all over. This is the first time I've ever done anything like that. And at the same time, I'm suing my current landlord. This is a new me!

So, the second place we applied for, we fell in love with, but it was just too expensive. We were even accepted! And from what I've heard, it's a very strict apartment complex. So, being accepted I guess could be perceived as a compliment? Anyways, since we couldn't afford it, after much number crunching, we had to decline their acceptance. I cried.

The search continues, but now with the landlord having received the court appearance papers, I'm really doubting we'll find anywhere to go because of him. I wouldn't mind staying at my father's house, but there's many reasons why I don't. The major reason being that it's his house. He's 68 and if anything happens to him, I wouldn't have anywhere to go, since the house would be split between my bother and me. My brother has mental/physical disabilities and receives assistance from the state, so they'd take his half and I'd either have to buy him out (which I cannot afford) or sell and move anyways. I don't want to lose the house. I love this house. It's the house I grew up in. But... it's just not mine.

I just don't know what to do.

4. TOM. TOM has been annoying! We've been TTC for slightly more than four years now. And with all the stress, my TOM just didn't want to come. So, I was constantly testing for pregnancy, half hoping I was actually pregnant, but still knowing it was because of all the stress. It was almost two weeks late! And now that I have it, it doesn't want to go away.

This has all been making me depressed and I know I inflicted some of it on myself because of my choices (choosing to sue my landlord, choosing to file a discrimination complaint, choosing to move when I probably should have stayed and not bothered to sue my landlord), but it's either I learn to stand up for myself, for once in my life, or keep living the same way.

But with all this stress... I've been eating... EVERYTHING IN SIGHT! Which equals the five pound weight gain. Those five pounds feel like 30!!!

Something has got to give... right???

I don't know anymore. I'm not giving up on myself or what I've already started. I will keep going with my weight loss, my journey to a healthier me, and everything else I've started. I'm just so stressed.

But, I'm here... I'm back... And today has been a good day (food wise)... so far.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISSIEONE 5/15/2011 8:26PM

    Rock on! I gain and lose again all the time, yanno what? I figure if I lose 5, gain 3, that I am still down two :P lol SO I just keep trucking on and keep losing as much as I can! Go go go! And stick up for yourself girlie!!! It's just kinda rude to decline a renter because you have a child, that is just ridiculous!!!

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ABB698 5/15/2011 6:05PM

    Ann, You do have a lot of things going on for sure! Sucks that you have them all at once, but I am very proud of you for taking a stand and fighting for what's right! It will be tough in the process, but you will come out a stronger woman for it. Just be sure to still make healthy choices and drink lots of water and take care of you! All of the stresses will be much easier to handle if you are healthy and feel good. Keep sparkin' girlie!!! emoticon

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 5/15/2011 4:45PM

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. That has to be so stressful and even under the best circumstances, I'd want to eat. I hope all of this works out for you. Don't worry about 5 pounds, it's just 5 pounds. You can get that back off. Sounds like today has been a good day, just keep going one day (one meal) at a time.
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POETANDMORE 5/15/2011 12:41PM

    Go by today right? I have to. I gained 3 and lost it by following sparks! You can do it!

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