Saturday, March 16, 2013
Making progress toward what is normal for me, but oh, I wish it would hurry up~ I am sleeping a bit better, but still having REALLY weird and often disturbing dreams. I am getting very tired at work ( I sit all day at a computer), and am still lacking in motivation.
On the upside, my weight seems to have stabilized. I have not gained in the last week and half. Now I just need to get it heading in the other direction. The co-workers I am closest to told me I am laughing and smiling more easily and often now, which is good. Another couple of weeks and I will be good. In the meantime, I do what I can, relax when I have to, and take one day at a time.
Now we have gone from winter to almost summer in a matter of a couple of days. I love winter, but even I am looking forward to Spring. Of course, I would be happier if we actually had Spring...it was close to 87 yesterday! *LOL* Awww...Come on...what happened to a few weeks at 70-75 degrees? Which to me is PERFECT weather. *LOL*
Oh well, it is beautiful day and I am just chillin'...with a very demanding cat!
Saturday, March 02, 2013
Well, another week down and what a week it was! Let me back up a bit...Had a fabulous vacation. Seeing my old friend was the best birthday present I have had in forever! I rented a car for four days and ran around like a crazy woman, enjoying the freedom a well running car affords me. Once I returned the car, I stayed home and relaxed and spoiled myself.
On my first day off, I called my (EX) endocrinologist to see why she has not approved my refills for my thyroid medication. I got the voice mail...again... and left my name and number and a "I'm off for the next week, I'll come in and see you, just please ok a refill until then and call me back for an appointment," message. Yeeah, no phone call. left another message and nothing. By this time I am feeling the result of no thyroid and each day is getting a little worse,til by the time I am back to work, I feel like I am am coming out of my skin, I can't focus, I am not sleeping, having night mares when I do sleep, and have a VERY short temper.(Oh! not to mention that no matter how little I eat, I am gaining weight at an alarming rate....another lovely side effect of no thyroid.) I called my primary care doc (which, had I been thinking straight, I should have done a lot sooner) and left a message for her explaining what was going on and guess what, she sent in a script that evening. Wow!
So now it is a waiting game as I am basically starting all over. It takes 2-4 weeks for the meds to come to full power. In the mean time, I have been told by those nearest and dearest to me to be gentle with myself and relax. Hence the lazy weekend and possibility of a nap or two. I have so much to do and I procrastinate enough as it is. But when I want to do stuff and just can't manage, I hate it...
Okay, enough venting...okay whining! *LOL* I'm gonna be fine, I'm just frustrated after feeling so good for as long as I have now. I will be as patient as I can and do what is best for me now, so I can be the best me later.
Have a wonderful weekend and know that you are loved!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
First day of vacation and I was up at my regular time (4:30)! Eh, no problem...mayhaps the days will be longer and slow down enough if I get up on time. Maybe the week will pass more slowly! *LOL*
I had a dream last night that included 3 pure white horses. The first one ran past me and it looked as if it had once had a rider. It was all saddled up. It came running back to me and behind her (or him)were two more. I felt very strongly they were there on purpose and I awoke with the same feeling.
Then, when I checked in on my facebook page shortly thereafter, one of my groups posted a beautiful picture of 6 wild white horses on a beach. I get the feeling I'm being told something, but I have absolutely idea what! I looked up white horses in on online dream dictionary, but of course it was very general. I'm feeling very dense! *LOL*
I have been busy working lots of overtime and fighting the creeping crud that refuses to leave my department. I'm also trying to find out why my endocrinologist has not approved my thyroid medication. I'm a bit off kilter as I haven't had my meds in almost a month and I am gaining weight with no thyroid. I have cut my calories a bit. I called the office yesterday and left a message, but didn't hear anything back! Aarrrrrghhhhh. Speed bumps aside, life is good.
I look forward to these next 10 days. I'm going to have a wonderful "staycation"which I always take the week of my birthday. The highlight of my week will be my yearly visit to the Goddess Temple in Indian Springs on my birthday morning. I am usually the only one there and I spend as much time as I am led by spirit to spend. I leave an offering of thanks and walk the labyrinth. I spend time thinking about the up coming year and what I want to focus on as far as growth and self improvement. I wander and explore the grounds. The temple is dedicated to Sekhmet, however there are representations of many Goddesses there. I Love my time there and had I decent car I would go out more often. (I rent a car for my birthday) I have been out for a few rituals and love it! It's about 45 minutes from home.
Now it is time to face my day. Today is a day to do a few chores to get them out of the way and pick up the rental. Anyone who has never been car-less or has had a car they only trust to go work and the store, will probably never know just how excited I am! YAY!
Sunday I am seeing my best friend from High School that I haven't seen in not quite 20 years, haven't spoken with in more than 11 years. Late last year we found each other on Facebook. Wednesday I received a message from her that she is going to be visiting Vegas this weekend and wants to see me. I am so excited!
Okay, enough rambling...I could go and on today with this wonderful feeling of so much free time.
Have a Fantabulous day!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Happy Sunday! It's 5:30 and I have been up for an hour. I am wrapped up in the warmth of my ragged, much beloved bathrobe, my cat asleep by side, Sunday Baroque on my radio,a hot cup of sugar free cappuccino/Swiss miss cocoa, waiting to watch the sun rise.
I adore this time of day. I feel as if I have the whole world to myself for just a little while. My head is clear and it is easier to concentrate before all the chaos starts in my head. It is so calm ans peaceful and I am filled with quiet joy. I wish I could freeze this moment!
I have been thinking a lot about my post yesterday. I need to stop procrastinating getting busy with my healthy living. I'm pretty good with what I eat. Don't over indulge too often, though I need to up my veggies again. I get lazy and I forget ....no excuses! I usually make my water quota and since I get up at 4:30 every morning, I make sure I am in bed early enough to get at least 7 hours of sleep if not 8.
My HUGE problem area...EXERCISE...movement....NOT Sitting! Every day I think about it and yet everyday I do nothing about it. I cannot for the life of me figure out what my problem is! So looked back to my first blogs to try and figure out what sparked me way back when. Of course I knew without reading that I was jazzed about everything back then, I was ready to do whatever it takes to get healthy and lose weight. I was unstoppable back then. I flaunted my new lifestyle at work...told EVERYONE what I was doing and invited everyone to visit SP. AND...I lost weight! It seemed to come off so easily back then! *LOL*
Somewhere along the way, it became more difficult. Life threw me some curve balls (as it does everyone)...a bad bad bad relationship, and my little war with cancer being the biggest hurdles. I lost so much weight during my illness, but it wasn't a healthy weight loss and as hard I as worked to keep it off as I recovered and started the long haul to getting healthy again, the moment my life threw me another curve, I gained it back and I have been fighting ever since.
Oh, the sky is beginning to lighten! *sighs happily* I can feel the shift beginning and I have butterflies in my tummy.
So here I am...back to my beginning weight, but not as devastated or disappointed in myself as would once have been. My new relationship with me has totally changed how I view things and myself. I'm giving myself an early birthday present... today I start from the beginning, go through the 4 stages again. Find that excitement, that determination, that yearning. 54 is going to be great ! I am going to celebrate it all year.
Now...Because dance was such a big part of my lifestyle change I thought I would remind myself of the list of some of the songs that made me wanna move! It is an eclectic list, but everyone of these songs makes my feet tap and my hippy hippys shake! *giggles*
Karma Chameleon~Boy George
Wake Me Up Before You GoGo-Wham
Morning Star~Blackmore's Night
Get On Your Feet~Gloria Estefan
Best Years of Our Lives~Baha Men
Save a Horse(Ride a Cowboy)~Big and Rich
Rhythm is Gonna Get you~Gloria Estefan
That's the Way (I Like it ) Dance remix~K.C. and the Sunshine Band
Me and my Gang~Rascal Flatts(I LOVE THIS SONG!)
Honky Tonk Badonkadonk~Trace Adkins(Another Favorite!)
I'm Coming out~Diana Ross
Where the BlackTop ends~Ketih Urban
One Particular Harbor~Jimmy Buffett
When the Sun Goes Down~Kenny Chesney and Uncle Cracker
Saturday Night -The Bay City Rollers (Yes you read that right! *LOL* What can I say?)
The Mystics Dream- Loreena Mckennitt (a cool down lovely song)
Rock and Roll all night- Kiss
Play that Funky Music - Wild Cherry
Don't stop til you get enough- Michael Jackson
We will rock you-Queen
Okay those are all my songs for now....I break them up into various lengths and groupings to give my self some variety. I am always on the lookout for songs that motivate me so the list is every evolving.
I can do this. Today I commit myself to 10 minutes a day of dancing. It's time to STREAK baby!! *LOL*
*smiles* Wow, it is 6:20 already. Almost an hour since I started blogging. I can see trees and clouds now, as night has bowed down to the wonder of morning. I think tonight I will watch as night cloaks my world...see if I can feel the shift in that as well.
Time for breakfast and to start my day. A bit of laundry, a bit of cleaning, a bit of studying, a LOT of attention to my fur baby...and 10 minutes of dancing!
Brightest of blessings for a beautiful day!
Saturday, February 09, 2013
I have always liked myself. I liked who I am,and I would admit it out loud. However, know what I noticed? No matter how much I liked myself, there was always a "but!" Oh I like myself, but my hair is too thin...of course I like myself, but I hate my double chin...Thank you , I like me too, but I really dislike my big tummy...big thighs...thick calves...etc. I was always unhappy with something or another. While I should have given myself unconditional love and support, I was my worst enemy. I know so many people(not just people who are trying to lose or gain weight) who suffer from the same problem. This kind of goes with the " when 'This' happens, I'll be happy" paradigm.
Now, I have noticed lately that I am more self confident, more sure of myself and really, truly comfortable in my own skin. It has been very gradual, almost imperceptible. However I knew deep down something was up. I haven't been slouching as I try to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. I'm not fidgeting with my clothes trying to hide my tummy, I walk tall and have been smiling and laughing at work. I am much more able to be positive and contribute to my team and bosses. This sound strange, but I find myself caressing my belly, not ignoring and hiding from it.
These last couple of weeks have been very introspective for me. I have been processing a lot of new (for me) ideas and concepts, and rethinking old and oft times self-limiting ones. For the past few days I have noticed a subtle shift in my thinking and feeling. I have felt as if I was heading for something of great importance that would impact my whole life. Last night, very softly, very gently and with oh so much delight, I made a startling discovery!
I was getting ready for bed,changing into my pjs when I looked in the bathroom mirror. Instead of the cursory, usually dismissive glance at myself, I really looked myself over. My hair has gotten so long and a bit thicker, since the chemo, my eyes were not only smiling, they were sparkling! Aside from that nothing had physically changed; my belly is very large and round, my breast are heavy, my thighs very thick. In fact, I have not lost any weight after gaining again. Indeed, I am at my beginning weight from when I started SP in 2007. (I have lost weight but yoyoed until I reached this point . My body seems happy at the moment here, for it has not budged...but I digress)
What I have finally come to understand and realize is that I love myself...with no "buts!" I love my big belly, heavy breasts, and thick thighs! This is not to say that I don't want to lose weight, because I very much want to, however, if for some unknown reason I don't, I will still love me! Every inch, every pound, of me. I am a totally unique and exceptional individual! What I love about this, is that I am happy "NOW", just as I am. Being "Thinner" is not going to make me happier. Happiness and joy come from within, not outside sources. There is absolutely no guarantee that when and if I reach my "Ideal" weight, I'll be any happier than I am right this minute. Will I feel better physically, most assuredly; will I have more energy, you betcha; will I be able to do somethings that I can't at the moment, abso-freaking-loutely! But I am giddily, giggly, absolutely, head over heels happy right this minute! I have totally embraced who I am, how I look and my sparkly, shiny spirit.
I think my only question is why now? Why couldn't I have come this place when I was younger and had more time to enjoy it? Part of me believes I just wasn't ready, for whatever reason. Maybe I am entering into the the beginning of the "Crone" cycle of my life. Maybe everything I have learned and whatever wisdom I have accumulated during my journey, has coalesced into this bright awakening. I like that thought. What ever the reason it waited until now to happen, I am so grateful for it.
I feel my journey has changed course a bit and new adventures are awaiting me. Whatever the Universe has in store for me I look forward to it with an open heart and open arms!
May you find the happiness and joy within yourselves!
"There is always something to be happy about. Truly happy.
And if you have the audacity to find it and the courage to make it your focus, in spite of the countless temptations to dwell upon problems that don't really exist, you will have learned well, your life will be transformed, and all things will be added unto you.
"Notes from the Universe." from TUT.com (Mike Dooley)
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