Sunday, June 17, 2012
I am amazed how much my attitude has changed since seeing my doctor back in March. I am so thankful that Gretchen urged me to talk with Dr. Ashman! If I hadn't, I would still be lost. As I contemplate how far I have come in four months, I realize I lost my self in essence long before the cancer was revealed. I have no idea of how long I had it before it was discovered, but I know now that I wasn't really myself for a while before the fall.
I remember several times before my surgery, going through my chemo and the two years after, looking in the mirror and not recognizing me. It was like looking at a stranger. I didn't know then the depression had moved in. As grateful as I was to have survived, it seems as if I sludged through the days and weeks. There were little pockets of joy here and there, but I was lost. I hated myself, my life and how I looked. However, it never occurred to me that I was suffering from another kind of illness.
Gretchen knew. I didn't believe her, I thought this is how I was now and I just had to live with it. I didn't know until later that she fought depression herself. So I have a long talk with my doctor, take some tests & lo and behold, she fills me in. She prescribed medication and about a month later, I started to notice a change. It was very gradual, like the unfolding of a flower. Baby steps day by day. I started caring about my health so I came back to SP. I started caring about how I look so I got my hair trimmed and slowly added new clothes to my wardrobe. I started being more talkative at work and people started noticing a difference in my demeanor.
This morning, after my shower, I put a little makeup on and combed out my hair and glanced in the mirror on my way out of the bathroom. I stopped in my tracks and did a double take. I looked in the mirror again and smiled. The person in the mirror smiled back, her eyes were clear and shining, they twinkled! It was me! It really was! I was glowing with happiness, excitement, and joy! I loved who I was looking at and she loved me back. I had butterflies in my tummy and I couldn't wait to start my day.
So here I am, giddy with the anticipation of what's in store, but making sure I enjoy the present. I had an exceptional meditation session (for me). Shade and I had a great play time,including a rousing game of fetch with her favorite black twistie. Breakfast is done, towels are in the dryer, going to finish my kitchen, work on the living room then have lunch. After lunch, it is time to tackle my room. In time, this will be a home I can be proud of, it will be my sanctuary. it won't happen over night and I will not spend every weekend cleaning...I need to get my life back! *LOL*
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Laundry's done and put away, clean sheets on my bed, dishwasher loaded(kitchen's almost done), wrestled and loved on my cat. Oh! I can see the top of my washer and dryer! Fist time since I moved in! *LOL* So laundry room is half done...YES!
I had the best salad for lunch! I certainly got more than my five servings in for the day! Time for a little break, watch a couple of episodes of "Angel" fourth season. I have been having an "Angel" marathon now that I finally found the last season at Wal-Mart. Although I probably should not have sat down. All of a sudden I'm very tired. Shade is zonked out beside me, mayhaps I'll join her for a little nap...It is Saturday after all. Oh yeeeaah...it's Saturday....*Sighs Happily*
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Where on earth did the week go?
The memorial was nice. The chapel was standing room only. It was a sad way to reunite with so many of my friends and doctors I haven't seen since I transferred to the admin building. There were several people that have long since moved on from SDMI, that I haven't seen in years. At one point this strange man came up to me and gave me a big hug and I was a wee bit wary of him, until he spoke to me. It was one of our old managers who left 15 years ago and had changed somewhat in the ensuing years. Well, enough that I had no idea who he was! *LOL* Especially with the "Men in Black" style shades he was sporting.
I have been so very conscious of what I am eating oever the last couple of weeks. More so since I have to watch my cholesterol. I bought Morning Star vegetarian sausage patties and links. While they really don't taste like sausage to me, they aren't nasty, just...different, I will continue to eat them with my southwestern egg beaters. They make for a decent meal.
I find with using the Orowheat whole wheat sandwich thins at a nifty 100 calories a serving, I use only half the serving size of peanut butter, jam, or nutella. Bonus! *LOL* It is still quite satisfying and I feel as if I am geting away with something that tastes so good!
Speaking of good, I tried (and Loved) Silk's mixed berry Fruit and Protein juice blend. It's a yummy treat. I also have say once more I love, love, love, Weight Watches dark chocolate raspberry ice cream bars. Two bars are a serving and I find that most of the time one bar hits the spot. (and they last longer too!) I also enjoy WW Chocolate and raspberry cheesecake bar. One bar I believe has about the same calories as the two above, it is a bit bigger and only the top half is covered in chocolate. It is wonderful that there are finally tasty treats that I can indulge in without feeling guilty!
I have been eating less calories in lieu of the fact I have not started exercising. Apparently I am doing something right as I have lost 8 pounds in 4 weeks. It is time to get my tush in gear and pump up the game. If I have lost this much just cutting back on calories, imagne what I can do once I start moving! (Yes, I know that once I start exercising I will increase my caloric intake a bit to fuel my exercise)
Now on to foldng clothes, putting the sheets in the dryer, cleaning the kitchen and working n my living room so I have somewhere to exercise. Oh, and let us not forget lots of kitty time...
Saturday, June 09, 2012
Whew! It is hot out! One of these days I will have a car with air conditioning! Anywho...I had a lovely day once I had my shower and revived my flagging energy. Hit a wicked sale at Fashion bug; new jeans, two new tops and a shrug. Then I got a hair cut and I treated myself to a new set of nails! I decided I needed to reward myself for doing so well. In a while, once my laundry is done, I am going to strip my hair and try a different color.
I haven't felt this good and excited about taking care of myself since before I got sick. 3 years is a long time and I am very long overdo. Now all I have to do is get motivated to get my apartment done and to start exercising. Perhaps tomorrow morning I will explore the apartment complex's fitness room, see what they have and what I will want to work out on.
So laundry to finish and light supper and early bed. I am going with a friend to the memorial tomorrow . It's going to be a long day!
Saturday, June 09, 2012
First of all, how weird is it that I was so happy that gas was down to $3.64. How WRONG was it that it took 35.00 dollars to fill my little car from just below half! I am so grateful I have a job so I can afford to fill it up.
This has been the oddest week...Twilight Zone odd...everything has been just ...off. On the up side, lost another two pounds. I was up at 5:30 this morning, at the store by a little after 6:00 and was home, groceries put away and breakfast done by 8:00. I was oh so good during my shopping trip...actually been pretty good all week. I think my head is finally in the right place and I am deliberately making better choices.
Yesterday was pay day and my weigh in day. Normally on pay day I splurge at Mickey D's for breakfast. I looked up the calories of my usual breakfast and holy moley was I shocked! I can hardly bring myself to admit it here...1,130 calories...**grimaces* It wasn't even that big a breakfast! *LOL* The worst culprit was the large mocha frappe. My very favorite goodie.
Anyway, I had a Jimmy Dean Turkey Sausage and egg bowl. 240 calories, 50 calories worth of cantaloupe. Yeaaaaaaah...much better. I also had a salad, more cantaloupe, carrots and yogurt for lunch. Much better choices. Today at the store I started looking at low cholesterol food items. I bought morning star sausage and griller patties. I did buy non fat sliced cheese...*shudders* I'll try it. Lots of salad stuff, 100 calorie whole wheat sandwich thins, no sugar jam...again we'll see.
Now, as for the week, as I said it seemed like everything was just this side of "normal." Busy days, but they seemed to drag, everyone seemed to be in strange moods all week. Wednesday tension went over the top and there was lots of whispering and mini meetings and worried looks. I heard the word hospital mentioned more than once. Thursday, my supervisor called me into her office and told me our COO had been rushed to the hospital the day before, had coded twice and one of those times it took 30 minutes to bring him back. It didn't look good. He seemed to rally a little during the morning, but on my way back from lunch, our chief accountant stopped me and told he had just died.
I had known the man for years, he started as an MRI tech when I was still just an operator. (I am getting ready to observe my 23rd year with the company) He left for a few years and then one day showed up and was hired as our COO. I was never close to him, but he had close friendships with my supervisor, office manager and several people in my office. (not to mention our five diagnostic centers) I was sad that he died and so very suddenly too, but I really hurt for my friends and co-workers who are hurting right now due to the loss. I haven't cried once, and truth to tell, I have been feeling rather guilty for not being more upset. I mean, I saw him everyday and did a little work for him. But I never developed a comfortable, breezy friendship with him like the other had. *shrugs* I wonder if there is something wrong with me?
They are having a memorial/celebration of his life tomorrow which I will attend in support of my work family. I need to go out today and find something to wear. I am really dreading tomorrow...
I so don't want to go out...I just want to curl up and take a nap. I made the mistake of sitting down! Must...get...up!
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