Sunday, April 29, 2012
I was up at 5:45 this morning and at the grocery store by 6:30. I love doing my shopping at o dark thirty on a weekend. I was home and had groceries put away by 8:30. Had laundry on and breakfast done by 9;00. I worked some in my room and closet, but found myself extremely short tempered. I even threw a plastic shoe box down when it wouldn't stay where I put it.
Decided I needed to take a break. I did throw some laundry in the dryer (which I need to get out and fold now) and popped in "Fellowship of the RIng" for a little bit. (also watched the specials on TLC about William and Catherine. Can you believe it has been a year already! My Stars!) Time for some lunch, to put my roast on to cook, throw some more laundry on and attempt to do some more on my room. I WILL accomplish something today, darn it!
It is a beautiful day out today. I wish weekends were longer...*sighs*
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Let me preface this entry by explaining two things. First and foremost, I am so very grateful for my health and life. When one is diagnosed with cancer, one has no idea how the journey is going to turn out. I am so very blessed to have survived! Of course this adventure changed me and my life.
Secondly, I have always been the adventurous one in my family. I loved and embraced change. I moved to Las Vegas not knowing anyone. Even at my shyest, I pushed myself to venture forth and opened up a whole new world for myself. From 1995 til the day I fell and was subsequently diagnosed with cancer, I loved my life. My marriage and divorce were gifts. I was in such a good place. I celebrated my 40th birthday for a year and had intended to do the same when I turned 50. However, life and the universe has other plans and 7 months after my wonderful 50th birthday came the biggest change of my life. One surgery, three months off of work, several chemo sessions, going back to work and learning to deal with being totally bald, and I was back in life.
A few months after my final chemo session, I was transferred to the administration building of my company. I had to move clear across town as my poor run down car would not last long going back and forth. I vowed years ago, when they built the admin bldg, I would quit before I went to work there for a couple of reasons. I had been at my office for 21 years. All of my major life events happened while I was at my office. They were my family. Needless to say, especially with the economy as it has been, I didn't quit. I went to work and moved into my apartment and started a new chapter of my life. I joined a new faire guild and have tried to move on and get involved in my new life. The last huge change was my thyroid and having to have it disabled. I will be on medication for the rest of my life.
Somewhere between my fall and now, it seems I lost myself. I have been struggling since my illness to get back to who I was and how my life was before I became ill. Logically, I know living through a catastrophic illness changes a person. However, on top of that, I had other major changes in a short span of time and it has not been easy. It is very long past the time I felt I should have been full of energy and excited to get back to the land of the living. I have had little energy, absolutely no motivation, and have basically been someone I don't know. I have become a hermit. I go to work, I go to the store, but other than that I don't leave the apartment. There has been the very odd occasion I force myself to go out, but I would rather be at home. I have been in my apartment a little over a year, and my living room and dining room still look like I just moved in. I stopped reading, studying, and exploring my spiritual path. The only thing I haven't lost interest in are my books and TV. Oh! and let us not forget....FOOD. Argh! I became a huge emotional eater. I have gained back all the weight I lost. Because I no longer have hormones, the weight is distributed so differently and i can't stand the way I look. I have grown to hate myself and rarely look in the mirror any more than I absolutely have to. BC(before cancer) even at my heaviest, I liked who I was
I have been feeling physically better now that my synthroid has kicked in. At the urging of a dear friend I went to see my primary care physician. She had an idea what was wrong. but didn't tell me....just suggested *Strongly*, that I go see my doctor. I did and we had a long talk,took some blood and took a couple of tests. It turns out I am deeply depressed. She told me I shouldn't be surprised, considering everything that has happened to me in a relatively short time.
She put me on Prozac a little over a month ago and bit by bit I am feeling better emotionally and even spiritually. People at work have noticed a change in my moods and behavior. I have started to meditate and can't imagine starting my day without it. While I still have trouble focusing for any length of time (My brain really hates to slow down! *LOL*), I know it has made an enormous difference in my life. I have begun, as a result of the meditating, to explore my spirituality again and it feels SO good.
I'm still struggling with lack of motivation. I get stuff done every once in a while and am finally feeling a sense of accomplishment when I do. I still have no desire to participate in Faire or much of anything yet and it breaks my heart. Still, I am making some progress on my apartment. I have also gotten my eating under better control. I am spending more time here on SP and am finally getting to the point where I am feeling the yearning to start walking. Yay me!
So here I am, muddling my way back to relative normal. Doc says we may have to up the dosage om the prozac, which will help with my getting active in my life again. At this particular moment, I am feeling a stronger need to bring my outer life (my apartment) more into line with my inner life. My room is in complete chaos right now as I cleaned out my walk in closet to make room for some things in my living room. I am De-cluttering even more than I original started to do and my new mantra...besides "Joy" when I meditate... is "Simplify!" So much of what I have no longer serves me in my new life. (Part of me wants to chuck everything and just start over, but I'm afraid I'll throw away something important.)
Baby steps! *smiles* Day by day, little by little...I am getting better and ( as soon as I can get a new scale,because my scale has flaked out on me) I look forward to being able to see (and feel) the weight coming off.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Just caught the tail end of one of my favorite movies, "Meet the Robinsons." One of the the best things I took away from this movie is there is no shame in failure. Failure is learning and through it all one needs to "Keep Moving Forward!" I wish I had learned that lesson earlier in my life. I am grateful I am learning and applying it and more often now!
I had a great day! My only complaint is that it FLEW by in a heart beat. I have been going since 6:00 this morning and I could swear I just got up. Now is after 8:00 Sunday night. What the Frack?
Anyway, my point is, that it was suddenly 7:00 and too late to bake my dinner. So, being the somewhat resourceful and flexible person I am, I made myself this huge, delicious, satisfying salad. While making the salad, I cut up veggies to use over the next two or three days, and cooking up enough chicken to use as well. As i was cutting up my veggies, I couldn't help sneaking little bites. Omigosh, they tasted so good! At one point as I was rinsing my radishes, I popped a piece in my mouth and smiled at the crunch and the little bite in the flavor. As I did, I glanced in the the mirror that hangs over the sink and I was surprised at what I saw. The person smiling back at me looked so happy! Her eyes were shining, her smile was huge and she was dancing! What a moment it was.
Did I mention my salad rocked? *grins* I had lettuce, spinach, radishes, celery, red bell pepper, green onion, grape tomatoes, carrots, a little shredded cheese and a little ranch dressing. The dressing was actually incidental as there was so much flavor from everything else. all I can say is YUM!
Oh! Had a go at the Weight Watchers Dark Chocolate Raspberry Ice Cream bars. According to the nutritional info, two bars equals one serving. Just for giggles and since the first one tasted sooooo yummy, I had the second one. I think for the most part, one bar will suffice. 1 serving is only 190 calories, but unless I really am feeling the need to indulge why waste the calories?
On yesterday's adventure I bought two salad plates to see if using smaller plates will help me not feel as if I am "depriving" myself as I eat smaller portions. (I have a huge problem with portion control) Looking forward to trying that.
Also bought a pair of 2 pound and 3 pound hand weights to use when I get bored with the resistance bands. Step up the routine a bit. Baby steps, baby steps.
Okie dokie, time for bed. Long day tomorrow...I wonder what it will hold?
Sweet sleep my friends!
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Holey Moley! It is freaking windy out! It's Zip up the coat, pull the hood up, hold on to the car door or it will hit the car you're parked next to, practically flying in to the store, MAN it cold... windy.
It is so beautiful and clear out, the mountains look as if they are right down the street, instead of miles away. The sky is so blue and the clouds drifting by are in shades ranging from gun metal grey to dove grey to brilliant white. There was one point where the sun was behind a large white cloud and it looked as if the cloud had a shimmery halo surrounding it as sun beams shone out the bottom of the cloud. Made me wish I could paint, it was so lovely.
Okay on to the topic at hand. I read through the cookbook and chose three recipes to try. Two salads and a vegetable dish. I vowed I would make the recipes as they are written, even if I don't care for an ingredient or two. I really dislike some reduced fat/non fat things. I would rather use full fat/full calorie items in smaller quantities then eat what has always seemed to me oddly flavored(or flavorless), different textured substitutes. There are also several herbs for which I never developed a taste. However, The dishes look so good and so inviting I am willing to try these recipes once (maybe even twice) in an effort to expand my palate. If I absolutely cannot stand the flavor in the recipe, I will find a substitution. The only item I will not even try to incorporate is fennel. I despise licorice (The smell is enough to make me nauseated).
I am determined to succeed! Everything I purchased yesterday and today is wonderfully healthy. Oooh! Oooh!Oooh! I found a Weight Watcher's frozen dessert that is dark chocolate raspberry! How cool is that! Erm, no pun intended....I am looking forward to my adventures in cooking (and eating) this week.
Now I to finish my daily excursion through SP, finish watching "Sherlock Holmes," which I have never seen, get my kitchen in order so I can do some prep work for the week, work on my room and get some dancing in! Baby steps, baby steps!
Here's to finding joy in this beautiful day!
Saturday, January 07, 2012
It is a beautiful morning and I'm feeling good! I didn't lose any weight this week, but I didn't gain any either! BONUS!
I have been walking on my 15 minute breaks, not going too far or too briskly...but going nonetheless. Having been sedentary for so long (partially enforced, then out of habit), it is going to take me some time to get my energy level and fitness back to where it was before my illness. Baby steps, baby steps. Before I know it, I will be walking a mile or two with a smile on my face and a spring in my step!
I am going to start dancing again, starting with 5-10 minutes in the morning and working my way up to where I was a pre-cancer...I used to dance 45 minutes to an hour at least once a day. I remember times when I would have my scheduled morning dance, and having had a bad day, would come home and dance until I felt better. (I miss the endorphins!)
On the nutrition front, I did fairly well this week. I ordered The Spark People Cookbook yesterday morning before work and thanks to Amazon and being a Prime member, it was waiting for me when I got home from work last night! Huzzah! I will be spending a lot of time delving into the treasure trove and making a grocery list for my next foray to the market. What an adventure I am going to have! Since I live by myself, I'm looking for recipes that I can stretch over a couple of days, incorporate into left overs or that I can freeze for future meals. Before I venture forth, I will be cleaning out the fridge and cupboards in the next couple of days. Baby Steps!
Yes, it is a beautiful morning and it is going to be a splendiferous day!
Bright Blessings on our adventure this day!
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