Sunday, January 01, 2012
I woke up in the most negative place today. I have been fighting extreme negativity since Friday afternoon having gone through my yearly evaluation. Instead of motivating me, I felt shot down and worthless. I work so hard and am always on time and miss very little work for call outs. I always accept assignments with a smile and do what ever I am asked. Yet, I came away from the meeting feeling as if none of that mattered. It sounds as if I am whining, but I'm really not. I'm trying to understand my boss, which is nigh on impossible. It seems that no matter how hard I work and try to do things to her level of expectation(she is a perfectionist), it is never good enough. Not to mention she brings so much stress on herself and that stress spreads to everyone. Once I am in negative mode about one thing, it so totally snowballs into all areas of my life, which drives me absolutely crazy!
I have been dealing with negative thoughts for a long time now. Until my illness I was one of the most positive people I knew. (It drove my ex husband crazy! *LOL*) Part of it I know is the residual chemo fog. My memory and ability to express myself is finally coming back to relative normal, but I still second myself way too much. I miss the sunshiny, excited about every thing, life is beautiful me.
Luckily for me, I came to Spark People today to start my annual New Year's "get my life together" adventure. My inner critic was laughing at me and insidiously talking me down . Especially when I weighed myself this morning. I was horrified to have proof that I gained just about all my weight back. Oh, my inner critic went into overdrive!!! I slunk to the weigh in page and with heavy heart entered my weight. Oh the ignominy! There was a point this morning where I almost just left the site and figured what's the point, I'll only fail again. Then I remembered that the only way I can fail is to not try at all.
Then a little voice started whispering softly to me, telling me that it knew I was upset, but that I had done it once and I could do it again. It reminded me that I know what to do and that I am not helpless nor am I alone. The inner critic keep getting louder and louder, but I imagined it was on the radio and I just tuned the sound down. The little voice(My higher self) grew stronger and I actually listened to it for a change! *LOL*
I read a lot of articles and comments this morning and felt little flicks of excitement going off inside me. I joined the January Jumpstart Challenge and went to Target and bought a pedometer, a pair of 3 pound weights andthe 28 day Bootcamp DVD( then joined that team as well!). I'm going to clean out my fridge and make space in my living room so I can exercise! I may even walk to and from work a couple of days a week. (A little over a mile each way.)
Negative Nellie is no longer welcome! Positive Polly has moved in and I know as I develop positivity in this aspect of my life, it will waterfall into other aspects of my life as well! So here is to 2012...New Year, New Attitude, and New Me!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The desire is there, the need is certainly there, however, I am having such a a difficult time getting motivated to do much of anything. I just don't understand. It used to be when I had these feelings I would jump in...get going and feel so freaking good about everything I was doing. I have changed a lot since I got sick...not all of it for the better. I am driving myself crazy. There are times I don't recognize myself, much like myself.
Maybe my goals are too lofty, maybe I feel as if nothing I do will make a bit difference, maybe I feel lost, maybe I feel it is just too late...I maybe having a hard time finding my way back to my path. Actually it is all of the above and perhaps a bit more. I HATE and despise feeling this way, especially feeling at times, sorry for myself. How I can have the sheer audacity to feel sorry for myself when there are so many people who are so much worse off than I am. In light of the heartrending event which we are remembering and memorializing today, I am a horrible human being for being so self centered.
Yes, I am exaggerating I suppose. Deep down, I know I am not really a horrible person, it just feels like it sometimes. Logically I know that I have been through a traumatic, life changing experience and it is not something that is going to resolve itself in just a few months. I have been told by those that know, the the journey to who I am now becoming is not always going to be smooth. Heck, it wasn't before I got sick, why would it be any different now.
Frack, I am rambling. I just needed to write it out. Get it out of my head and down in writing so I can get past it and on with my life. So now...Back to the beginning. I lied in my profile monologue. I can't pick up where I left off, because I am not the same person I was when I left off. So yes. this is my new beginning...I am starting over. I am starting with step one and setting new baby goals. It is never too late!
So. goal one...dance 10 minutes each morning...goal two...lose 10 pounds by Halloween...goal three...incorporate three veggies/fruits into my daily menu. I can do this.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
What a year it has been! So many changes...I'm not sure where to begin.
First off I suppose is the fact that I have been cancer free for a over a year! My chemo fogged brain is slowly getting back to normal and I am feeling so much better! The only health issue I am dealing with now is a whacked out thyroid. I had a thyroid ablation in March because I could not get my thyroid regulated with medication. I was either hyper or hypo.
So, I now have a totally deactivated thyroid, no thyroid hormone activity whatsoever. As a result I have no energy, depression/moodiness, brittle shredding fingernails, and more memory problems among other things. However, I saw my endocrinologist on Friday and have been placed on Synthroid, which I will be on for the rest of my life, Cytomel which is used with the Synthroid to jump-start my thyroid working again. In a week or two I should be back to relative normal~ YAY!
In other parts of my life, I was transferred to our administration office, which necessitated moving across town to a new apartment. Due to the above mentioned health problems, I am still settling into my new home, which I have been in since December. Almost everything is done except my dining room and living room, both of which looks like a storage room. I have confidence I will have most of this done in a couple of weeks, specially once my energy and more importantly my motivation is back to normal.
Which brings me to my body health and weight. Thanks in part to lack of thyroid, I have put more weight on than I might normally have. This is by no means the only reason I have gained weight, however, another side effect of none working thyroid is a decreased appetite. So I kinda scratch my head when I gain weight and I am not eating nearly as much normally do.
On the upside, with having taken steps to get my health back to normal, I am motivated to pick up where I left off and start Sparking again. I went shopping today and bought only healthy food to fill my fridge with. I chopped and pre-portioned my fruits and veggies so I can just reach in my fridge when making my lunch and dinner and know I have the proper portions without having to think about it. Whole grains, fresh (and frozen) fruit and veggies, skinless chicken, cereal and even small bags of popcorn, I am ready for the week. I even bought a new scale for weighing myself once a week.
Now I need to get motivated to move! This may take a little more work on my part...need to get motivated and excited again. I will be more likely once my energy returns, but I can't wait til I am totally there...I must start where I am. May a little dancing, I even bought one of Leslie Sansone's walking dvds, This of course will be easier to do once I have room in my living room. Thank goodness I have my laptop and a little room in my bedroom.
So, here I am...baby steps. One day at time.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! Tried on some dresses and skirts I haven't worn in... erm...twenty years ...and I can get them all on! Some are a little snug in the belly where I had the surgery and of course it will be the last place I lose, but I can get them ALL on! Yes we are talking the 80's and shoulder pads, but I like em and they are all still in fab condition! Some are 24s...Have you ANY idea how long it has been since I could even get my big toe in a size 24? *grins* Well, obviously ya do if you have been reading this blog!
Oh boy, talk about motivation! *Does happy dance*. If I can lose a bit more, I won't have to buy a new dress for this year's holiday party. *giggles*
I finished my room! Huzzah! I know, sounds like such a small thing...but it is one giant step for Kimmie! It is SUCH an amazing feeling, so calm and peaceful. I don't feel so scattered!This may be the start of fall cleaning for me. I want everything done by October 1st! I am so grateful that my energy is returning. Now that I am feeling better and better, I find I am less inclined to spend so much time on the computer! YEA me!
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Yes I do have hyperthyroidism. I started the meds immediately after the test was completed. They seem be helping. The palpitations are not as bad; they are less frequent and farther apart. HUZZAH!
He still wanted me to wear the heart holter, so I am walking around work bra-less *ugh* and hooked up to 7 or 8 electrodes attached to a small box I wear on a belt. Argh! I'm allergic to the tape they applied to keep the electrodes on. No shower until it is removed tomorrow morning*UGH* and stay away from microwave ovens. A dear friend told me to think of it as wearing a tricorder. (Star Trek reference) *LOL* I love her!
My energy level seems to be slowly returning, but I am afraid I have gotten used to being a lay about. Now I need to get motivated to move again. Hopefully I can get my tush in gear in the next few days, start small and work my way up to being busy again. I have managed to only gain the 3 pounds I mentioned in an earlier post, so I'm doing something right.
Tomorrow two of my dearest friends are coming into town for the Star Trek Convention being held this weekend! I cannot wait to see them! I may even pop into the con, Sir Patrick Stewart is attending, and I would LOVE to see him!
Anyway, life is returning to semi-normal and I look forward to feeling better day by day.
Bright blessings and lots of love,
P.S. On Sunday, for Lammas I made homemade whole wheat bread and tried my hand at my first scones. YUM!
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