Friday, September 06, 2013
I've been so disappointed in myself. I've let myself off the hook. I've gained weight. My activity level has decreased, and my self esteem has taken a hit. The longer I take to get committed to a healthier lifestyle, the longer I stay in this pity party mindset. And all it means is I prolong my misery. I know I'll be even more pissed with myself if I wait, delaying the sweet victory of wearing my smaller clothes again, feeling comfortable in my skin and having a sense of accomplishment.
I'm tempted to start over entirely. I've seen others do it- scrap their goals, ditch their pics and old posts to give themselves a fresh start. And I think I know why they did it. They may not have wanted the reminder of what they had and lost, or to help themselves stop comparing who they were to who they are and want to be. Either way, it's tempting for me as well. I don't like feeling I'm climbing the same mountain.
So, what's been going on with me? I canít recall the last time I wrote. I think it was almost one year ago. I'm down twenty pounds from my pregnancy weight. I've joined a gym but haven't gone in over a month. This last week I can't seem to stop eating. Even when I'm painfully full. I work full time and struggle with how little time I seem to have to myself. My daughter continues to amaze me. I want to show her an active, healthy lifestyle that she doesn't have to learn as an adult because she will be living it as she grows up. I (embarrassing though it is to say) want to be thin, beautiful and someone my daughter is proud to emulate and call her mom. I want to be her cool mother.
All that being said, I've been struggling with my self image. Is this new body and size the new reality? (Doesn't matter. Healthy is healthy, no matter the size or shape.) Is my goal weight realistic? I had people tell me I looked too skinny when I last approached it. (I know it's not an unhealthy weight for my height.) And as a friend recently wrote and I identified with, I'm trying to come to terms that perhaps the image of the self I want to look like and who I will end up being, but more importantly, who I am now, is worth loving and knowing. (Again, still shouldn't matter in long run compared to a healthy body.) But I still have this belief that if I work hard enough, I can look like what I believe I should look like. Not Barbie, but proportional. (Maybe I've missed that opportunity. And would that be so bad? )
My next step is to seek out motivation. Then to make a decision about the gym membership. It's not near my home, but it's close to work. If they will build one near me, it's worth keeping. Otherwise, I can have good workouts at home and save some money.
My new short term goal is to lose six pounds by the end of the month. With the larger goal of losing thirty by the end of the year. My other side goals are to build a weekly menu for meals/shopping and to build up to working out five days a week by end of the year.