Wednesday, April 14, 2010
DH had a venting spell this morning. Taxes are due tomorrow, he is overloaded at work, shifts are too long, work distribution is unfair, et cetera, et cetera. He is correct in his assessment of the situation. Probably, his cheese is moved.
I binge when I decompress from his vents. I must replace this pattern of behavior with heavy cardio workouts—to sweat it out instead of binging.
But I’m an old Catholic and you, my fellow sparkers, are my confessional booth. Forgive me Sparkers for I have sinned: I went to Walmart then a movie. For $2.50, I bought one movie size box of Mike & Ike and one giant symphony chocolate bar. I ate the whole thing.
I am on my way to the Y.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
One month ago, I would have finished the weekend in passive/aggressive mode feeling taken advantage of and tired.
Instead, I feel tired BUT appreciate that I have a DD who loves her home—the house, lakes, parents, brother, sister and food; the old Y camp where she used to work, old ‘farm friends’ she baits with carrots, bonfires and marshmallows, good conversation and the ability to bring together friends from different parts of her life who otherwise only know each other through facebook. She invited 5 college friends to my home over the weekend. DD had moved into our former “office” only two weeks ago and will be here a few months between Ohio State and grad school. Our remainder guest space includes a couple couches and 2 blow-up mattresses. Last Monday, DD asked about putting up 2 college kids for Saturday night who would be passing through Ohio from NY to Chicago. No problem. But on THURSDAY night, she added 3 more friends who would be coming in starting Friday who wanted to meet the other 2 friends. This is a bountiful bundle of friends! And I was not yet prepared.
My concerns were having the house clean—in particular the back patio room that serves as storage over the winter but needs cobwebs down and a complete wash down to ready it for summer weather. On our lake in Ohio, most folks don’t even have their boats in the water, it is so early in our season. Thank goodness we had spring fever and got that up and going during an early warm spell.
I did a lot of cooking. I used crockpots because the schedule of coming and going was crazy. The events for DD over the weekend included: a local winery, 2 visits to the farm (the second visit was with carrots), McKinley monument, boat the lake with ‘speed’ boat, boat another day with kayaks and canoe, bonfire, local college concert and bar and meet-up with still more friends from NY who came out for concert, visit the Y camp and do barrel rolls (you don’t even want to know), and LOTS of food and conversation. My other DD works a lot of hours while finishing her degree at OSU and she came home briefly as well so she could be part of the crowd. It is always a treat to see her because of her work and school schedules and social life on campus.
I remember my mother saying how exhausted she felt. I had a lot of sisters and home was sometimes exciting and crazy like this weekend. I could not appreciate nor understand my mother then—but I do now.
I need to step back and BE GRATEFUL. I need flylady for daily upkeep and be company-ready because my kids are in that age group now where—SURPRISE—there they will be and they want to share their home with others. I need to SEE this POSITIVELY and not be overwhelmed by it—not on the surface but deep down inside. It will not last long. Someday, their busy lives will be with their own little families far away and I am helping build GOOD MEMORIES now. DD did not give me much notice, we had chores that went undone that ‘needed’ done over the weekend. But her living here is temporary and I’m wise to keep things positive.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either IN or you're OUT. There's no such thing as life in-between.
- Pat Riley, basketball coach
Wow. I think this is okay for a basketball coach who demands the best of players. But I am not at my best every day. I cannot live by this quote because, if I took commitment to my Spark program literally, I guess I would be ‘out’ right now.
I do not want to hit my goal weight and gain again. I have been seriously journaling and examining emotions. How did I get where I am? What do I need to change besides my calories in versus calories out? If food behavior were truly simple, I would not be overweight. There is more for me to work on than just the food and exercise. I need control of my life in many aspects. I need to forgive and love myself, to tell myself daily that I am worth it, visualize what I want in life and go after it. While I have been working on this aspect of my weight loss program, I have stopped tracking food and every single exercise. I am exercising mindlessly at home as well as attending the Y. I need to streamline documenting home exercises by lumping as calisthenics. I will continue to document each exercise at the Y because I am progressing in the amount of weights I’m lifting. I limit my computer time and am journaling instead of huddling, polling and nutrition tracking right now. I will get back to nutrition tracking some time soon. I do believe tracking is important but just can’t commit to doing the whole program well all at the same time.
There is “life in-between”. It is a life of imperfection: mis-steps followed by growth, trial and error, good days and bad. Sometimes I can adhere to only part of the program but not all of it. Commitment must have room for an imperfect me. I can strive for consistency and have some pretty long streaks. I can stay within calorie range for quite a few days in a row with an occasional outlier and I can exercise every day - some days harder than others. I guess what I’m saying is commitment is not black or white, yes or no. It is shades of gray.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
"You won't improve your overall fitness by being more active. But you can be more active by becoming more fit." from Escape your Shape by Edward Jackowski PhD
Do I believe this? What do you think?
I noticed 6 weeks into my lifestyle change, even before starting weight lifting, that I was perkier.
I have always noticed and admired old people who are spry. The Cleveland Hiking Club have spry old men who can pass me hiking uphill. I am blown away by elderly people who ski Boston Mills. They are spry—they are also graceful, don’t fall, and are much quicker than me on the black diamond runs.
I am what I am now. But I want to be a spry old lady. I want to look good on my motorcycle as soon as possible. I remember two years ago, when I drove the kids’ 50cc moped, I thought I probably looked silly. I had fun, but was aware that a large person on a little bike looks strange.
There are a lot of heavy people in Ohio who ride motorcycles. I don’t want to be fat. Today,after my Y workout, I road in the country to “cool down”. I was in my spandex and everything and I did not care.
It will be great next summer when I can do that and look great.
But about the activity and overall fitness, I think the author might be right. I have kept an active lifestyle in spite of my weight. I was hindered, but active. Today, I go up and down stairs easier and feel better doing chores. The chores probably do not keep me fit. I got out of shape when I ran a boarding stable for horses and I did a LOT of physical labor on top of my regular job, running around for my kids, hosting a foreign exchange student for the year, and mowing the expansive lawn. It was activity that plain wore me out. I rode horses less and less because by the time I was done with the barn, I had my fill of horses. I put on 20 pounds in that window of time and was unhappy—except for days I rode. I remember often being angry with my husband or kids.
I simplified my life and am working on fitness. I wish the fitness would happen faster but that is the wrong attitude. I need to address a lot of things to make this a permanent lifestyle change and I should embrace the process. So many people never take the time to analyze their lives like this and I should be grateful for this time in my life to do so. I forgive myself my past transgressions and will march on to better health with the help and support of this community on SP!
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