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old me vs new me

Saturday, August 06, 2011

I am starting to feel a bit like Sybil...like therre are two personalities inside of me. This is never more evident than when I am working out. I hear the old me telling me to stop...it is too hard..I am going to DIE!!!! But then the new me kicks in and shuts her up, tells me I CAN do this and to KEEP GOING. I read a post this morning about the head catching up with the body, and I truly don't know if that will happen for me. i walk through the kitchen and fat me see the debbie cakes and ALMOST reach for it,but the new me slaps her hand and reminds her of all the work I have done and how far I have come. I think the fat girl will always be there, but the new me is just going to have to smack her down, lay her out, land a couple pile drivers and knock her out.

As I have said in a previous blog music is hugely motivational for me. The song "Everlong" has a line that says "The only thing I'll ever ask of you...you gotta promise not to stop when I say when" is so true for me right now. Fat me wants to say when. This is a thin as I have ever been, and going beyond this point is a bit scary for fat me, but new me is excited and looking forward to it. When fat me wants to stop running, new me thinks about how HOT I will be and doesn't stop even though old me is SCREAMING when. This is a promise I make to myself, to not quit this time, to not give up, to not stop when I say when (except at the table)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BITTYGIRL51 8/6/2011 11:57AM

    Excellent insights. Remembe the old cartoons where the little angel was sitting on on shoulder and the little devil was sitting on the other one? The angel is prodding you to do the right thing and the little devil is prodding you to do the wrong thing? LOL

It's a journey, and you are doing an excellent job of traveling it one day, one bite, one thought at a time! Kudos! emoticon

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Life is Beautiful

Saturday, July 23, 2011

copied over from my weight loss surgery forum blog on another site...I know not EVERYONE is on Spark because they had weight loss surgery...but hopefully you can relate!

As part of my endeavor to run a 5k in October, I have been putting together playlists. Full of emotional, upbeat, motivating songs (and some fluff as well I'll admit it) Best of you by the Foo Fighters is a really big motivator for me. I think it is meant to be about abuse and putting up with crap from a significant other, and how someone is getting the best of you and not getting the BEST of you at the same time. When I hear that song, I think about how I used to abuse myself, with food, with negative thoughts, with lack of exercise, and with self-loathing. As Dave Grohl say-I REFUSE!!! I am no longer willing to do that. I will NOT get the best of me anymore, and myself and others WILL be getting the BEST of me. I REFUSE to give less than my best to ANYONE! And that includes standing up for myself, taking time out to work out, eat the right things, spend time with friends and staying home when I need to, in order to give the BEST of me to those that count.

Also have been thinking about addiction alot. As a mental health counseling student I have learned about addiction both from a physiological and a psychological viewpoint. I used to feel very superior to those who "gave in" to addiction. Someone said to me once, very bluntly..Dude..no one wakes up in the morning and says :"I wanna be a crackhead." The truth of those words hit me like a rock, and my thinking began to change. I now can admit without shame that I am addicted to food. GBS and the restrictions it places on food intake was a detox for me. Like a baby, we start out on milk or formula (protein drinks) then move on to baby food (purees) then soft foods and finally, onto table food. During this progression I learned to think about food differently. It is fuel. It is nutrients. It is essential. Do I still enjoy it? HECK YES!!! And like any other kind of addict in recovery I must battle it everyday, make choices based on priorities and on what will lead me to my goal of health. Have I relapsed. Yeah, I have. But also got "back on the wagon" and pressed forward. Recovery is not linear, there WILL be ups and downs along the way.

Which leads me back to the playlist. Yesterday I added "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx AM (you know good ole Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue? Yes I know I am OLD) It says there is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home. Another line says there's nothing like a funeral to make you feel ALIVE! Just swear on your life, that no one will cry at my funeral. We all faced death when we went under the knife for our procedures. There was blood involved. We have paid a serious price to be ALIVE and I for one will NOT waste it. I will work, sweat, cry, BLEED, whatever it takes because I am ALIVE today in part because of my choice to get healthy. When I die, hopefully at the ripe old age of 120, I don't want people in the back of the church to be whispering that is is a shame I didn't take better care of myself, and how this has motivated them to do lose weight/start exercising/quit drinking/etc. because they don't want to end up in a box before their time. I've been to funerals and thought the same thing. I watched 2 young, obese cousins DIE from complications from obesity. And it took me years to get here, and lot of soul searching, and a lot of false starts. But I went into surgery thinking that if I died, I would die trying. Today I think that I want to LIVE and I want to live WELL! These are the things that keep me going on that treadmill when the old me wants to quit and lay on the couch.

That and Poison's "Nothing But a Good Time." Bret Michaels is old too but he is still HOT (I told you there was fluff).

  


Who I am becoming

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I had gastric bypass surgery. I have lost some weight. Am I the same person? Essentially, I will say that yes, I am still the geeky, Harry Potter loving, vampire craving, irreverent smartypants I have always been. I love my husband more than ever, I love spending time with my daughter, reading, cooking, etc. But there ARE some clear differences. Some are small, like the fact that I now make time to work out, do not plan social events around food, not only do but ENJOY yoga, and am training for a 5k. These are things I never in a million years would have done or made a priority in the past. There are other changes too, like the fact that I will put my and my families needs above others, and that I no longer take any bull-crap!! I have the confidence to stand up for myself and go after what I want. I will not be disrespected or marginalized any longer. I may no longer be the "elephant" in the room but boy am I going to make sure you know I am there!! So yes, I am the same me. I am simply an improved, healthier me. And if you don't like it...don't let the door hit you on your way out of my life! And no, that doormat you just stepped on..it was NOT me! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLCOLMAN 7/12/2011 6:46PM

    emoticon

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BITTYGIRL51 7/12/2011 6:30PM

    emoticon You go, girl!

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you're so vain !!

Friday, July 01, 2011

I bet you think this blog is about you....

I am down 50 pounds from my highest weight. I haven't weighed this in at least 4 years. I still have a looooog way to go, and I'm still a pretty big girl, but I have noticed that I am paying MUCH more attention to my appearance lately. For example, this morning I dressed neatly, did something quick but cute to my hair, and put on at least minimal makeup just to drive my daughter to day camp and back, and start my work at home job!!! Previously I would have been lucky to get out of my pajamas and brush my hair at all for this type of task! It kind of worries me. I have always despised the "barbie girls" who always try to look so perfect, but perhaps there was a bit of jealousy to that feeling as well. Also I think that when I was almost 300 lbs it kind of felt like lipstick on a pig (literally)!!!! So now I always have to have on nice clothes and makeup on when I leave my house in case I see someone I haven't seen for awhile. I want them to NOTICE me and the lbs I have dropped from my frame. Just as long as I don't turn into plastic!!!!!!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KMIRANDA2000 7/2/2011 8:19AM

    be happy

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SLCOLMAN 7/1/2011 5:01PM

    You are making great progress!!

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PRETTYNPLAYFUL 7/1/2011 11:00AM

    I am 71 pounds down and I am noticing the same thing. I love to dress up. Its not that I didn't like to dress up before, its just that now I actually feel like I am attractive when I dress up. I think our new founded self esteem is normal and expected. Keep up the great work!

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BITTYGIRL51 7/1/2011 10:48AM

    You self esteem and self confidence will sky rocket as you continue your healthy journey. I noticed that even my taste in clothes changed as i dropped sizes. My entire countenance changed. I smiled more, participated more blah, blah, blah.

Enjoy the new you! Hopefully, there is no one in your household that will be threatened by your new self-confidence and attention to your appearance. If there is and you continue to "primp" that person will start to say things...be on the look out.

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CATLADY_56 7/1/2011 10:38AM

    You won't become plastic! Paying attention to how you look is a great step. You are probably coming out of a depression - maybe you didn't even know you were in. I think when we are really heavy - I was - we kind of want to be invisible. Also that lipstick on a pig thing, so true. When we are at our highest weight, or on the way up to it, most of us feel like our appearance is what it is and pointless to dress up.
Barbie is not something I want to be, she is a state of mind I don't need to go to, to feel good about myself. emoticon

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I wanna be a.....

Friday, June 17, 2011

This morning on the way back from taking my daughter to her summer day camp I saw not one, not two, but THREE fit, trim people out for their morning run. I WANT to be one of these people!!! Many of the people I admire both in real life and on Spark are or have been runners. For several years I have toyed with the idea of being a runner. I have committed to it, blogged about it, even started a couch to 5k challenge here on sparkpeople. I have never gotten past the first week or so. IT IS SO HAAAAARD!!!! (I say in my best whiny 3 year old voice) Something inside keeps telling me I CAN'T do this.

I WANT to do it. Just like I WANTED weight loss surgery, and I made that happen. Just like I WANTED to go back to Grad school to become a counselor, and I made that happen. So I am NOT going to set a goal, make any commitments, or tell myself I HAVE to do it. I WANT to do it, so in my rebellious and contrary mind, perhaps that will be the key to making it happen. Who knows, I may find out that I am not a runner, but a cyclist, a swimmer, a yoga enthusiast, or even a roller derby girl (another thing on my bucket list!!) but I am on a quest to find MY fitness. I have to...because more than anything I WANT to be ALIVE, healthy, and fit. Because when the zombie apocalypse comes I need to be able to outrun the walking dead and be strong enough to chop off heads with an axe........ ;)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLCOLMAN 6/17/2011 6:49PM

    You can do it :)


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BITTYGIRL51 6/17/2011 5:37PM

    If you really want it than I say GO FOR IT!! I was once where you are at. I didn't really want to be a runner, but I liked the idea of the challenge. I began very slowly with the C25K and I'm telling you it is HARD, but it is more a MENTAL/MIND game than it is a physical challenge. I repeated each week until it got easier. The toughest week I think was week 6 or 7 when I had to run for 20 minutes NON-STOP...I had to really PUSH myself to keep going, but I did it and it was such a HIGH when i got past that 20 min. mental road block!! Fast forward to today. I am no longer running (my 6o yr. old knees just don't want to) but I am here to say - I have ran 3 5K races and in my very first one I cam in third in my age category! If I can, you can! So, go for it!

Comment edited on: 6/17/2011 5:40:18 PM

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CURVES_N_CURLS 6/17/2011 2:45PM

    Well, you know my heart is to run again. I crave it / miss it... When I hit 200 (yes, I got WELL over 200 post-partum, ARRRRRRRRGH!), I will allow myself to start trying again.

But it's not desire that keeps me from it - it's lifestyle. (This single mama thing ain't no joke!)

So we shall see...

Anyway, this blog is about YOU - not me! LOL! ;-p

If it's running - awesome. If it's any of the other ones listed - awesome too. I just hope you move and live and love and... ENJOY something active, whatever it is. :)

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