Sunday, January 04, 2009
I had coffee with one of my friends last week. She is one of the few people who understand about losing a large amount of weight and the issues involved. As she has done it herself, she has lost well over 100 lbs. She had the gastric surgery, which worked for her, plus working out at Curves. She liked the program so much she is now a Curves owner, which is very cool.
We were talking about our issues around food and being over weight.
It was really cool to talk with someone who understands. As I have now hit the 100lbs weight loss mark, most people think I should be feeling wonderful. But there is more to it than that.
For so long I have been the "Big girl" "The biggest person in my group of friends. It has become my identity. Being the big girl in the fitness class, in the office is or was who I am. Now that is not the case. I am no longer the biggest woman at my gym. So who am I? I am no longer the biggest woman in my office, so who am I? I am no longer the fat friend, my best friend and I are now almost the same same clothing size. So who am I?
My weight has been a protection for me. One where I could hide. "Don't really see me" has been my motto for so long. As a large woman I did not need to worry about attention from members of the opposite sex. I have always had big time trust issues, and it was easier to hide behind the weight, rather than having to face them. Now it isn't that case.
So the more people who notice the weight loss the harder it is to stay on track. In the past a couple of people making comments on the weight I had lost was enough to derail my diet and exercise programs. And lead me back to weight gain.
Most people think I should be feeling wonderful as the pounds come off and the clothing size goes down. But each time I have to face going shopping for clothes I don't feel good, I feel afriad. I hate shopping to start with. I also hate the attention new clothes bring. Plus the attention which will come from getting smaller. Few people understand that it is not about the clothes it is about the feelings. About the new idenity I need to develop for myself. About the attention I am getting.
I know people are trying to be supportive when they make comments about the weight loss and how good I look. But for me each time I hear these type of comments I have to be very careful not to throw in the towel and stop dping what I am doing.
I know it goes back to when I was bullied in school. And that it is also connect to the self image I got from my mother. Where when someone tells me what a nice person my mother is or tells me what a sweet old lady she is, all I hear is "Your mother is a saint, a wonderful person and you are worse than garbage." I have worked hard trying to deal with this and have come to terms with it. I have stopped hoping for a different kind of mother. Stopped trying to be the good daughter. Have ended contact with her as it was emotional and phyically killing me. But now as the number on the scale goes down I find alot of those same emotions are coming up again.
I have spent so much of my adult life using food as a punishment. Stuffing food down my throat even when full. Using food to keep the emotions I did not want to deal with down. If I was upset or stressed I ate. When ever I had to see my mother the first thing I did afterwards was eat, anything did not matter what, just to push the emotions down. I have worked hard on these emotions. But because of this I have a hard time caring about food. I hate cooking, espically for myself. I do not want to think about food, don't ask me to plan menus, I just don't care. Food is not a good thing. I get little joy from it. I don't have craving for any kinds of food. I do not use food as a reward. For me food is something I have always used to punish myself for not being good enough, not being a good daughter, not being worthy. So I ate. I became the big girl.
So now I have to ask myself who I am? Who am I without the weight? Will I like her? Will she be good enough?
So as the number on the scale, measuring tape and clothes goes down, I face a identity crisis that few people understand.
Most think I should be just thrilled with the weight loss so far, I should love the fact that the numbers are going down and that people are noticing. It is so hard to explain that that is not the case. That I am really shaking in my boots.
So I still have a very hard time with the food thing. I find it so hard to care what goes into my body. I don't sanck, and rarly these days binge, or pig out. I just don't always make healthy choices, don't cook, eat out to much.
The only good thing is that I have become totally into the exercise thing. I love working out and am additcted to the gym. Averaging about 80 mins a day last year. Got one thing going for me there.