Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Sometimes it surprises me - I go through the motions, doing what I need to do in the days, and BOOM...time passes much more quickly than I think it does.
I had no idea I hadn't posted a blog post since April. Wow. I thought I was doing MUCH better than that.
Truth is, I've been struggling, but hadn't really been aware. I also have more responsibilities at work, which makes life balance more difficult.
My anxiety has been off the charts recently. I'm not keeping boundaries well. As an example, on my "day off" today, I'm teaching 4 or 5 students. Hmmm. Not very respectful to me, though it helps them!
I'm grateful for all I can do. There's been so much progress from where I used to be (helping get my kids ready from the wheelchair to teaching multiple students and being the business manager for the music studio.) There's so much more I want to accomplish (20 lb weight loss, strength to handle a kayak on a river).
Today, I will do what I can do, and that included posting a blog. Woohoo! I met a goal today!
Friday, April 25, 2014
I called myself an invalid tonight. "a person made weak or disabled by illness or injury." My arthritis has been starting to act up in annoying ways, and I was feeling whiney about how little energy I had to make meatballs.
My son piped up and said "I hear you saying you're invalid, and that's really being mean to yourself."
He's right. I'm right too. I hate being sick, and still am mean to myself rather than encouraging or even kind. It's hard. I have never wanted to fight the fights I'm in. I'm here, I'm fighting, whimperingly, but I'm here.
I gave him both definitions. I even came to the computer to make sure I had the spelling right. These two are words I'd forgotten were spelled the same.
Calling myself an invalid is invalid. I need to be willing to give myself the grace I'm willing to extend to others. Really.
May I do a better job tomorrow...as I enjoy the new-to-me meatball recipe. :)
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
I really want to attempt a video blog today since I feel like I'm not going to make sense in words at all. At least a video would be something *all* of us could laugh at later. Right now, just getting words out seems difficult. I'm proud of myself for being able to type fast, even though there have been mistakes you can't see. My brain *is* working, even though it doesn't feel like it.
I'm struggling - sleep is bad, breathing isn't going well, too many system functions are low. It's making me feel like I should ask for help, but when i ask for help, I'm so used to doing what I need to without help that I've shot myself in the foot by disappointing others that are attempting TO help now...and I forgot I asked. I'm not sure that will make sense to ANYONE at all. I've gotten used to survival mode-I have to do this, this, this and this. Asking for help, for years, has felt wrong. Bad. Proof that I am inadequate. That I was making more work for other overworked people.
Truth is, I've been sick, mentally and physically, for years, and really had no idea how to balance a healthy "can i place this in your basket" with "that's still okay for me to do." It's really hard. Really. Again, I can't expect anyone else to understand. Selfishness has absolutely never been my intention. I just had enough things put on my own plate that I believed I was expected to carry the plate, the cup, the silverware and all the other implements put there. i don't have to, but I also don't feel I know how to ask someone else to help without dropping the whole armload.
Stress never helps these feelings, of course. It just exacerbates and holds up the magnifying glass - making the issues seem larger than they are. That's where I sit this morning - breathing low due to dust outside, adrenals revving, panic at a level I feel I can't express to anyone, and more responsibilities than I currently feel comfortable with. The kids schedules are starting to slow down, so there will be less chauffeuring needed soon, but I really am not feeling comfortable driving. I need to figure out who to talk to...and fortunately, I have an appointment in 3 hours where I can ask some questions to a really wonderful sounding board.
What I can do today -
get the nebulizer going
do what I can for my lungs and adrenals.
look through the work folder I think I'm done with and see if I missed anything
start a list of what the monthly job needs are and put movable dates to them
try to cook one or two things (jerky needs made)
pick up children
enjoy sounding board appointment
Thanks for reading, if you did. It's a hard day, but getting this out of my head through my very fast fingers has been helpful. I really appreciate how fast I type when my brain is this frantic. The frantic isn't good, but the fast fingers are. I also have enough awareness to take care of most of the mistakes. I can't be as bad as I think I am. I merely feel bad.
May we have blessings in the day ahead.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
I feel better when I'm blogging. Even if no one reads it, that I've taken ideas and concepts from my head and put them into written word helps validate those words and concepts. Whether they're right, wrong, yellow, blue or upside down and backwards. I'm acknowledging and accepting, again, that my truth is my truth. Being a "I'll be glad to" person most of my life, it's been easy to adapt others beliefs and believe they should be my own. This is not healthy, but it is what I have done. I believe I've described it before - I built my life around building my life around other people. Made it really hard to stand on my own.
I've also been very sick for a very long time. I have had the mental energy to sit at the computer and have discussions or play games or do anything else that only required finger motions and eye blinks. Doing one or two projects a day was out of the question on a teaching day, and teaching, for me, is only a few hours right now. Put a couple teaching days back to back, and I was in bed for a day!
This *is* changing, and I will credit the Autoimmune Paleo. Since starting that, and letting the panic/mania reign, I've gotten more projects done, and those around me have noticed. In my own eyes, it's not enough, and there's more to do, but I'm a harsh judge of myself. I honestly, in my own opinion, do not tend to judge others harshly unless they have really stacked up "reasons", but on myself, whoa. Hard judge! I'm working on it. Parenting a kiddo who is like I used to be helps change self perspective. Really.
For today - I have done some work on some projects, I get to go work with some absolutely wonderful kids, then help my own kiddos this afternoon.
May we all have good days, and make good choices as we do.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
So, I bit the bullet, embraced the panic attacks, and started Autoimmune paleo. Autoimmune paleo is paleo with no nuts, seeds, eggs or nightshades (potato, tomato). I've also been low FODMAP (onion, garlic and such). My overall fatigue seems to be less, though stress is high too. My overall pain has been high still, so the Chronic Fatigue is better while the fibro is still saying "I'm HEREEEE"
I didn't take measurements until Wednesday of last week. I was feeling like I should, but didn't want to. I really wish I had taken them Monday because I thin there had been an increase in measurements between October and March in the + direction. Waiting until Wednesday, I was still the same as October. I now have a change in 4 of the 6 measurements I'm tracking on SP, and my weight, by my scale, is down 15. I'm freaking out, but not feeling unhealthy - just showing the anorexic patterns that have been there but hidden by the carb binges. 15 in 11 days seems like I won't be able to keep it. If it's inflammation from food reactions, though, who can say!
Panic attacks have been daily. I'm freaking out, and shared this blog, first, with one of two people I knew I could be blunt honest with. I need prayer and support. I know my docs will be happy, but I can't live attempting to eat this way.
I'm going to approach it like the allergies, though. Add something in to see if there are reactions.
While I'm SO grateful for some online support I've found (balancedbites.com, thepaleomom.com) I wish there was more support here at SparkPeople for Autoimmune Paleo. I wish I knew others near me, in person. That will come. For now, I will face what I can face today.
Thanks for reading.
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