Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Not meaning ANYTHING negative. Really. It's a really rough day, though. Days are just like that sometimes. Tomorrow will be better.
I miss my dad. He died earlier this year, so this is my first year without him. It's been a hard couple of days, with lots of good memories, but also more tears than I expected.
I also miss my kids. I had to leave our dinner because I was having an allergic reaction. I don't want to have the allergy I do. The small pup is hypoallergenic. I've tried telling my allergies that. They don't agree with me. I had too much trouble breathing to stay where allergens are. Breathing is important. I took my peak flow. That's okay. My sinuses are so congested I can't breath still, though. and that's after a couple medicines. I'm grateful my lung function is good. Bottom line - allergies can be so hard to explain and they're certain hard to live with.
I got a call asking me to come back after I left. At that point, I was too upset. We talked about the allergies before the pup was purchased. I believed I was clear. We don't interact enough for it to really make a difference in the day to day, but it will impact holidays down the road. I'll try to work with my doctors on a different approach, but if you are a reader who has allergies, you know that will be difficult. She's a sweet pup. My children love her. Such a hard space to be in, but breathing is important.
Bah humbug to allergies, Merry Christmas to all.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Here we sit at Dec 20. My last blog date was Oct. 28. Ugh. I just keep walking through the days as I can. With the shift of the start page, I'm earning more points per month now, but that doesn't mean I'm exercising more. I want to say I'm doing what I can do, but that would be a lie. I'm doing what's in front of me, and that's led to some serious mistakes in eating habits. Feeling I have no support has been hard. I have virtual support. I need to be more active in finding nearby healthy support. That means stepping outside the hamster ball I'm comfortable in. Not an easy step when the darkness has been heavy.
I'm teaching more than I have for several years, and do feel healthy, some days, but the balance continues to be off. I need to find more rest so I can be active in the things I want to be active in! That may seem odd, but with multiple chronic illnesses, I need to balance rest with activity. It's important for me and for my family.
I *will* do what I can.
I *will* keep food on hand that's healthy.
I *will* find ways to let others know what my needs are and not feel guilty for expressing those needs.
I *will* strive to be a good example of self-care for my kiddos.
I'm frustrated at still feeling "bleh." There are more good days than not, though. It had been 14 months since I'd seen one of the specialists! That's a good thing. The flare that took me there is not as severe as it could be, either. I'm learning how to handle some of this. There are still a few more handles to find. That's all.
Thanks for reading. Hope it made some sense. Now, back to my nap.
Monday, October 28, 2013
I'm starting autoimmune paleo today. With the allergies I deal with, paleo is hard enough. Add in the added restrictions for autoimmune with the allergies, and I really start to feel I can't eat anything at all. I also have some active anorexia/starvation habits (REALLY not healthy for a diabetic!) and have not been eating well overall. Today, though, *is* a new day, and I can step forward from here.
It will not be a cake walk, unless the cake is made of cauliflower. It's going to be interesting, but interesting is okay.
I started to debate where I was going to journal while I explore autoimmune paleo. I tend to do better when I journal, but hadn't decided where TO journal - start a new blog somewhere...
Oh...yeah!! I already have one in place! Hello, SparkPeople!
I may or may not share the posts on Facebook. I don't have to know that now. What I do know is that writing will help me feel more coordinated, supported, and sane in this process. I have snuck back up from 140 to 163. I liked how I felt at 140 better. There's no way it will come off quickly with just the food changes, but inflammation and sensitivities need to be addressed. Food change is one approach.
I bought some helpful food yesterday, did some cupboard cleaning for my own sake, and have some time to bake this morning if the power stays on. :/ I have some new recipes that are already making this seem not as daunting. I'm not holding myself to 100% true Paleo. I'm aiming for healthy habits and eating, not using dairy, grains or any of my reactive foods (some veggies, FODMAPS, nightshades.)
As it comes together more, I'll write more. I just needed to start writing out the confusion in my brain. It's really overwhelming to balance so many health issues with this eating plan. It's possible, and I'll step foward. I've gotten very discouraged not feeling like I have a support in place to help me. That's not true. I just have to be willing to reach *for* support, and see the support around me. I can do this. It is possible.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
I had no idea it had been as long between posts as it's been. I've been trying to keep my head together, above water, and for the most part HAVE been doing alright. There have been bumps and bruises of life, but nothing to dynamic, really. Just the day to day survival mode struggle.
Today, I got to slow down more. I got to accept help. I get to adjust a touch.
My husband was off work again today. He had a partial day on Monday, and didn't even have a voice earlier this morning. He whistled goodbye to both kids.
I was feeling exhausted enough that I told T to get in the car as I took H down the hill to her school. Her school starts about 45 minutes before his. His school is about a 20 minute drive and hers is less than 10. I knew I couldn't handle driving back up the hill, even just 10 minutes, THEN starting towards his school. By the time we got TO his school, though, I felt like my chest was collapsing in. Couldn't breathe in or out, but my breath itself felt fine. The school nurse listened to my lungs and said I sounded clear. My cough sounded more upper respiratory to her...but how long had it been since I had my pertussis vaccine. (Ah, the things they think of!) I called one of my offices, and they were able to work me in within an hour. Another mom from the school took me over there. Okay. She's not just another mom. She lets me teach at her piano store too.
After waiting for a short time, then updated the new-to-me person on what I've been taking and how I'm doing overall, the upshot is the steroids I've been avoiding are now prescribed again. Dang it. I took the dose about two hours ago and am starting to feel like I can breathe in and out again. So frustrating!
In the good news category - before we got to his school, I had checked in with a friend who lives "near" T's school about going over to rest at her house. They were home. Because I took so long getting back with her, she called to check in on me. While waiting for my ride to come back, I was able to reach another person who was able to help, THEN yet another person walked in the building and had time to take me back to T's school. Although I was frustrated, in lack-of-air agony, and felt completely out of control, I also felt pretty supported. I was even able to arrange a ride home from school for T.
Overall, I'm frustrated that I let myself get sick, I'm grateful I have support in place, and I'm going to try to breathe more. I also have an appointment tomorrow with the allergy person to get the testing/immune system boosting going in the right direction. I've done what I can do for today!
Thanks for reading.
Monday, August 12, 2013
walls closing in
just dark pit.
Had been climbing out
had been feeling okay
despite the pain
physical and emotional
but I wasn't climbing fast enough for another
ladder dragged into the light
but off i fell
back to the shelf in the darkness
there will be another ladder
and however long it takes
i will adapt to the pit
darkness doesn't hold the fear it did
it's okay to not be in the light
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