Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I had all the self esteem 10 beyonce's have when I lost that 30 pounds and I felt I could look cute or fit anything cute and I felt empowered and happy and I was so confident with men and I was a lil more happier in my own skin. Why does my weight consume me? Well I will tell you why, when I look in the mirror I see 4 big lumpy rolls in the front and my back is horrible, there is this one big glob of fat on both sides of my back. i have seen 400 pound people with a back like mine. I have a watery peice of fat under my arm pit that grows when I gain weight so when I wear dresses that peice of watery fat hangs over the sleevless dress or shirt so I have to pull my bra up way high to keep it covered every 5 minutes. I wear girdles with every thing even to go to sleep when I am visiting my boyfriend. I met him when I lost that 30 pounds and he meet me while I was dancing and not having a care in the world and I was so confident when he first met me but since I gained this weight back my self esteem is so low. I was actually forming a shape when I was losing weight in 2007 so I felt like a women. I just finished complaining to him about 5 minutes ago about my weight which is somethign a woman should NEVER do with a man and because he is so strong and knows what its like to not be happy with weight he understands but he is tired of me acting like this and I want him to leave me alone and let me be so I can work on my self esteem because I cant trully like or love him like I want to but he won't leave. My weight consumes me and I dont know how to trully love me because of how ugly my body is, I dont have a normal body. Its terribly out of shape and just ugly ugly. I am a beautiful girl pretty face great teeth nice hair clear skin have all my toe and fingers and all my limbs but my fatness is just bad and I don't know why. Eveything I say and do is a example of how I feel about the way my body looks. Weird I KNOW! I I can't help it. Everyday of this year and last year I have had my mind on my weight and losing it. Every monthly cycle i have I get more depressed because i gained weight and my hormones get all out of wack which makes me worry about my weight more and more and more and my self esteem is as low as sea level. Right now I am on my cycle so now you see? Well I sure hate that losing weight will help my mood but its true. Sometimes (rarely I think this but I do) I don't want to lose weight just so I can learn to be happy with me now but I just don't see that happening. but it just dawned on me, I was once 170 in high school and still didn't like me or my weight, I was in the 5th grade hating the way i looked. I wonder where is this all steming from. Why do I hate my weight so much? I think its because My mom was kinda harsh when it came to my weight, she gave me ugly looks but now I have eaten so much I give my self ugly looks. I hardly talk to my mom if at all but I still love her but she can just be a u know what sometimes.