AIRPEACH   10,160
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April

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I hope this month finds all of you well.

I'm still alive. I have now worked at a grossly underpaid temp gig for over 6 months, but at least I am working. Most months I can squeak by, but others are scary. All I know is that if food weren't brought in most days for lunch (free), I would have serious trouble with food scarcity.

I became eligible for direct hire at 4.5 months, and started on the process immediately. Nothing has happened so far. It's very depressing.

I did have a phone interview for a completely different real job with actual benefits on Friday morning. I think it went well, and I am hoping for a 2nd round and eventual hire. Any well wishes are greatly appreciated.

My very crappy insurance (which really doesn't deserve the name - I should have turned it down) paid hardly anything on the doctor's appt/physical/pap I needed to get meds refilled, and nothing on either the first or 2nd hep b immunization shots, even though they are considered preventive care right on their eob (I need to take the vaccine because I work at a doctor's office).

I made so little money in the past 12 months that the doctor's billing office approved me for 100% charity for the 2 bills, so that is good.

The bad part is that the crappy insurance is arguing about the routine labs (billed by lab company and not covered under charity) being pre-existing conditions, and they don't want to cover them. So, let's think about that. My cholesterol #s are the envy of many (155 total, and nice #s on hdl and ldl), and all of my other labs were also completely normal and non-interesting. If they say my pap was for a pre-existing condition, it would be for being a WOMAN. The only thing that they could conceivably make a case for being a pre-existing condition is the thyroid check. Let's hope that's the way it comes out.

The cats make life bearable on the days when nothing is going right, and life feels like a big box of wth and why me. Weight still isn't moving. I don't hate myself, but I swear that some days I just don't understand why everything has to be so hard, and why I have to do it all alone. Some days I just wish for a more "normal" family, and others I wonder just what in the world I did that was so horrible as to be deserving of this mess. Other days are fine.

I'm worried, and scared, but trying to slog along and keep moving.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FANGFACEKITTY 5/1/2013 4:00AM

    emoticon
Stay strong and remember you are worth the battle.

And don't let the cheap SOBs at the insurance company win. I swear they play the percentages...they deliberately reject valid claims knowing that many people will not fight the wrong "decisions" for whatever reasons so the insurance company ends up saving more money.

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October

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

It's been several months since I've been here, and I apologize to all who might have been wondering where I've been or how I've been doing. Visiting SP just got to be too much of a chore that I didn't enjoy, for several reasons, not least the fact that I couldn't get my weight to budge in any meaningful or lasting way (let's call that 10+ lost and maintained over 1+ month). No matter how good I was, it didn't happen. That's still the way it is, by and large. My thyroid medicine got adjusted before I lost insurance (end of September),

Several jobs have passed, as well. This has not been a good year so far, overall. Most recently, I had just started a job last week on Monday, when the very next day I needed to go to the er for low back pain so bad I wasn't sure I could effectively press the gas or brake pedals in my car (which I was driving at the time). The good news is that it appears to be a sprain or pull that I just didn't notice was happening. Yes, I lost the new job.

On Mothers Day, I took mom a cake like I usually do, and the next 2 hours turned into a nightmare that only came to an end (for now) when I went by in mid-June. I haven't been back since, and don't plan on going anytime soon. All of this over a key - the key I have had to mom's house since she bought the place in late 1993, and which was one of the original keys that came with the house (she never changed the locks). It finally got so worn down last year around Thanksgiving that it would no longer open the door. I was accused of getting keys confused, and at one point mom insisted that she never had a key of that sort. It got positively, disgustingly nasty after that, when my half sister felt she needed to get involved as well. This was the day I finally got mom to acknowledge that I needed a new key, and in June I gave her back that key when she refused to come let me in. I did not feel welcome there then, and I don't now. I can't do anything right, ever, over there.
Truth be told, the place has been toxic to me for over a decade, but how do you let go of the feeling that you should get along, and try harder, to get along with your mother?

I'll end this note by saying that it's been a very difficult year for me. I am currently not working, and very stressed about it. It was a temp-to-hire job, and I likely won't be getting any unemployment this time either.

It's the first Wednesday of the month, and there go the test sirens. I wish all of you a great day. I will try to come back here more often, but as of right now, I can't guarantee it. Love to all.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FANGFACEKITTY 10/4/2012 3:43PM

    emoticon I'm sorry for all you've been through and hope the year ends better than it has been for you.

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LOPEYP 10/3/2012 12:04PM

    Sorry that you are having such a tough year. I think it's positive that you come back here for support and encouragement. Good luck to you!

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2 Months

Monday, May 07, 2012

I got a job offer not quite a week ago, which is great, but it's a bad job that only pays $10.50/hr, which is barely enough to pay rent, utilities, food (I'd be losing food stamps) and keep the cats in kibble, but it's a full time regular job, not temp. I accepted (because I can't decline jobs due to unemployment), and barring any mix-ups with background and drug screen it starts on 5/14.
It's funny, I asked for a job for my birthday (which was 5/1), and I went to the open house for this on my birthday. I got the offer on 5/2.

Shortly after I got that offer, I got an offer for a temp-to-hire receptionist position that started at $11, and I would have much preferred the work, but there would have been no benefits, and I do need the medical insurance.

Last week on Thursday I got a call from another staffing agency (this would have been the 3rd one, and I hadn't even contacted them yet) who was calling me about a receptionist position that I have a skillset for that the company would like (e.g., I speak German and have been a receptionist). It would start at $15 temp-to hire ($4.50 additional per hour is worth taking a chance on temp-to-hire, as far as I am concerned), and I could get basic medical through the agency. The last person who had the position is retiring, so they like you to stick around. I have no problem at all with staying for a good long while, if I were able to get the job. I tested well on all of the office stuff and have an interview tomorrow. Please wish me luck!

Regarding unemployment, my 2nd appeal was sent for a hearing, which will be on 5/10. Legal aid has said that after looking into the details of the case they are going to assist me me in one of 2 ways. If they can find a lawyer to take the case, it will be handled that way. If not, they will prep me for the hearing.
I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that they would help me with this. I was also happy to hear that it made no sense to them that I had been turned down twice, since I was under a doctor's care, had been approved for fmla before it ran out, and certainly wasn't sick on purpose. Here's hoping something good comes out of that as well.

I still can't seem to lose any weight, no matter what I do. Matter of fact, I gained a few lbs recently, and I am not happy about that. I am hoping for some low stress times soon, so I can really relax and sleep well and get over all of this stress.

I hope all of you are doing well.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FANGFACEKITTY 5/8/2012 6:35AM

    emoticon on the job offers and Happy Belated Birthday!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 5/7/2012 10:22PM

    So glad someone is stepping up to help you out. The legal systems can be mind numbing.
Are you still exploring job offers then?

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NOIRNATURAL 5/7/2012 5:29PM

    I hope it all works out and happy belated birthday!!!! emoticon

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ARNETTELEE 5/7/2012 5:24PM

  Good luck in all aspects of your life...your job,..your weight loss...

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One Month

Friday, April 06, 2012

It's been a month now since I lost my job, so here's an update of sorts.

My unemployment is still denied, and I am getting more and more worried. This means I have no money coming in and I am living off of my old 401k, because it's the only money I have. Yes, I know it's a tax nightmare. Being homeless would be much worse. Since I was sick before losing my job, my savings were already depleted, and that's how I got into this mess so quickly.

Today I got a donation of 24 cans of cat food. I was so relieved I cried.

My weight is going crazy, No matter how well I try to eat, things have been crazy, and my body is Not Happy. My food money card should have been loaded today, and Some time this weekend I will shop for food.

I no longer have health insurance.

I'm still crocheting blankets for the cat shelter down the street, when I'm not too stressed (I received some donated yarn, and found some random yarn in boxes at my apartment). It seems I can't crochet when my brain's friend. The good news is, I started one yesterday and got a lot of it done today.

Thank you to all who have left me notes in the last few weeks. I am trying to hang on by my fingernails. You help. Thank you.

I am still hopeful that April will turn out much better than March was.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FANGFACEKITTY 4/13/2012 1:20PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon I wish I could help. Try to keep your spirits up and here's hoping April is better.

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FUNKY5RED 4/9/2012 9:43AM

    You are going through a really tough time, but yet you are managing to give of yourself by crocheting blankets for the kitties at the shelter. That is a testament of how strong you are. Hang in there. I will be thinking of you and cheering you on.
emoticon

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LIFEWALK 4/7/2012 1:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticonoh sweetie, u r in 1 of those tuffest of tuff times... and it will probably feel rough until you get some of these things squared away..... i'm glad u r still crocheting... i always find working with my hands to be calming... and when i'm having these kinds of times... just try to do extra self-care pampering from perhaps lotion on hands & feet, your nails, a little stroll in the sunshine to cheer you... i know it's hard & will continue to keep you in my thoughts... let us know how you're doing... sometimes it just helps to vent... (hugs)

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SANFORMRN 4/6/2012 11:45PM

  Keep your chin up. Remember: if you put god first in your life, all else will fall into place.

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BRENDABUNNY 4/6/2012 10:09PM

    I'm sorry to hear things are going badly for you,but you sound pretty positive for all your going thru..Keep your chin up and I'll be saying prayers for you...BIG emoticon emoticonBrenda

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Everybody? I Think Not.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

''Everybody needs encouragement to embark on a healthy track. What you wear, like a good hair day, can make a huge difference. We want to provide you with activewear that will make you look and feel special."
That's a quote from the company ( http://www.adoraom.com/ ) pushed in this blog entry http://www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=gi
veaway_win_an_outfit_from_adoraom
(MOSTMOM1 looks great in that outfit, btw. Way to go!)

The sizes run 14-24. So I guess I don't need encouragement?
Aside from the fact that this company being pushed by spark is NOT inclusive of the demographic they claim, they are also very expensive.
I really am so very tired of the dearth of quality wear in MY size (which currently seems to be anything from 26-30, although I have 2 pairs of pants that insist they are a 24). A decent sports bra in MY size. For that matter, so many plus sizes aren't available in talls, and and I have been seriously tired of that for years. I am beyond tired of the fact that it's apparently only ok to celebrate all shapes and sizes in what can only be described as the "pc plus size range".

I know that to most people who see me, I am invisible (at 5'10" and 380 lbs, that would be a neat trick, except it's no fun), and to most of the ones who see me I am merely a disgusting diversion on their way to wherever they are going. Well, guess what, boys and girls, making me uncomfortable when I move is not going to make me want to exercise more (kinda like a gaggle of you following me around the parking lot in your car, mooing at me out the windows, isn't made to help me gain any kind of self worth).

Do you honesty think I'd be this size if I had a choice? That I wouldn't be smaller? That I wouldn't have chosen to skip the past several years of heartbreak and medical issues, one of which is actually impeding my weight loss substantially? Ask my doctor. I've lost weight before, successfully, but nothing that worked then is working now. Would you like to hazard a guess at just how incredibly frustrating and demoralizing it is to not only gain back all of the 103 lbs you lost over 1.5 years, but also 35 more? To still be eating the way you're supposed to and still gain 2-5 lbs a week, no matter what? To be told by random idiots that you are full of it, that there is not such thing as hormonal or glandular issues that make or keep anyone fat?

Tired beyond tired. Still hoping, but not seeing a lot of light right now.

And no, my current situation (lost job, unemployment claim denied - appealed, but not looking good) is not helping, but I AM A HUMAN BEING. When will typical Americans stop acting like I am trash?

(A note and FYI: Any suggestion that it's my fault that I am treated badly will be deleted. I may be down about a lot of things, but I deserve to be treated decently at any size. I smile at people, I am nice to people, and I don't deserve any less in return.)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AAAACK 3/27/2012 1:29PM

    I've spent a lot of time thinking about humanity (sometimes quite a stretch to even use that word), and hating everyone (not good for me at all), and trying to come to a way of life that can make me feel like getting up every morning. Finally I decided at times like this to remind myself that there are a lot of really arse-holey people out there but there are some who aren't. The problem is that the jerks are louder, more overt, and all up in my business. The ones who are nice don't stick out at all. So I tend to forget about them. So I try to remind myself that there are some out there, and the rest of the population ...well, I unhealthily hope something happens to them to make them realize what jerks they are. I can't stop that about me, and it's probably mean and cruel to say it, but I think it's ok. And I think it's ok if you feel like spitting on those people. I think it's ok if you wish they'd just evaporate off the planet (or worse). And I think it's also great for you to say it on Spark so that people who are nice can stand out a little bit and tell you that you aren't disgusting, you aren't sub-human, and you have a lot of value. In fact, you're downright irreplaceable. I mean who else could be you? Nobody!

What IS disgusting is merchants who pimp their products as "for everyone" and then clearly aren't. There's a local store I drove a long way to get to b/c they advertised comfy sports bras "for every active woman." Turns out they were only for flat chested stick thin runner women. I mean, their sizes stopped at around a size 10! Now that's disgusting.

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BECKYB73 3/27/2012 12:34PM

    It seems that anymore, the only type of prejudice that is acceptable it that against fat people. I'm still too plus for a lot of clothing items and I completely feel your pain. Sometimes I feel pretty ridiculous saying that my first MAJOR goal is to fit into a pair of 24s...yet, there it is.

We are not Trash.

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LIFEWALK 3/25/2012 4:42PM

    i agree, the fatter we are, the more we're treated sometimes with disgust, disdain or ignored as if invisible... sad but true... fat prejudice is still rampant, sad to say... and another quirk... sometimes there's a point... where when we are a little/average overweight people will make demeaning comments that when we are severely overweight they don't even interact with us at all... sad, but methinks it is the same as any other judged group from disabled to racial to religious to gender... we're making progress but there's still a lot of mis-understanding, mis-information & bashing against the people who are overweight, struggle with an addiction of some sort... as if they are a dirty dog for having the problem... I was shocked to read a survey about 40% of nurses feel revulsion to morbidly obese patients... and they are people who are supposedly there to help us... k, i'll stop ranting now... except to say I reject the notion that I am less than anyone else for any reason... i have as much right to live, breath, exist, have a life, be happy, have a family, job, friends and social life as everyone else... we have to claim it and know that we are ok just as we are... So chin up sweetie... you are precious as any baby & methinks u rock! and methinks we would have fun if we lived nearby & could be out & about together, doing things like having coffee, browsing books... just doing bff girl stuff! :)



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MARIE-STRONG 3/25/2012 7:54AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MICAROO 3/25/2012 5:42AM

    emoticon emoticon
People are cruel. Thank God for cats.

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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 3/24/2012 11:46PM

    emoticon emoticon

What a heart-rending post. I feel so similar to you in so many ways. I, too, looked at AdoraOm and was astonished at what they are trying to peddle.

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FANGFACEKITTY 3/24/2012 8:48PM

    Sending many hugs your way! Know that not everyone acts like your "typical American", I cannot conceive of treating anyone like that, for any reason.

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KT-NICHOLS-13 3/24/2012 4:25PM

    "When will typical Americans stop acting like I am trash?" I'd like to scream to the world ...
HUGS to you my friend. The world really can be a cruel place, we all need to be treated kinder.

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TRAVLNWOMAN 3/24/2012 11:18AM

    I feel your frustration. It is not a good feeling when you are plusser than plus size. Add to that long legs that make the sizes that do fit make your pants look like you are ready to wade in a pond. I actually had my manager tell me to not wear a certain pair of pants because they were too short.

I'm tall and fat. I'm less fat than I was and getting thinner but I still can relate to all you are saying. So I'm not giving any advice here. I'm just letting you know this is one Spark friend who is listening and to some extent knows what you are going through. Sometimes we just have to vent.

Kimberly

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JENNNY135 3/24/2012 9:38AM

    emoticon

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