Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I hope this month finds all of you well.
I'm still alive. I have now worked at a grossly underpaid temp gig for over 6 months, but at least I am working. Most months I can squeak by, but others are scary. All I know is that if food weren't brought in most days for lunch (free), I would have serious trouble with food scarcity.
I became eligible for direct hire at 4.5 months, and started on the process immediately. Nothing has happened so far. It's very depressing.
I did have a phone interview for a completely different real job with actual benefits on Friday morning. I think it went well, and I am hoping for a 2nd round and eventual hire. Any well wishes are greatly appreciated.
My very crappy insurance (which really doesn't deserve the name - I should have turned it down) paid hardly anything on the doctor's appt/physical/pap I needed to get meds refilled, and nothing on either the first or 2nd hep b immunization shots, even though they are considered preventive care right on their eob (I need to take the vaccine because I work at a doctor's office).
I made so little money in the past 12 months that the doctor's billing office approved me for 100% charity for the 2 bills, so that is good.
The bad part is that the crappy insurance is arguing about the routine labs (billed by lab company and not covered under charity) being pre-existing conditions, and they don't want to cover them. So, let's think about that. My cholesterol #s are the envy of many (155 total, and nice #s on hdl and ldl), and all of my other labs were also completely normal and non-interesting. If they say my pap was for a pre-existing condition, it would be for being a WOMAN. The only thing that they could conceivably make a case for being a pre-existing condition is the thyroid check. Let's hope that's the way it comes out.
The cats make life bearable on the days when nothing is going right, and life feels like a big box of wth and why me. Weight still isn't moving. I don't hate myself, but I swear that some days I just don't understand why everything has to be so hard, and why I have to do it all alone. Some days I just wish for a more "normal" family, and others I wonder just what in the world I did that was so horrible as to be deserving of this mess. Other days are fine.
I'm worried, and scared, but trying to slog along and keep moving.
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
It's been several months since I've been here, and I apologize to all who might have been wondering where I've been or how I've been doing. Visiting SP just got to be too much of a chore that I didn't enjoy, for several reasons, not least the fact that I couldn't get my weight to budge in any meaningful or lasting way (let's call that 10+ lost and maintained over 1+ month). No matter how good I was, it didn't happen. That's still the way it is, by and large. My thyroid medicine got adjusted before I lost insurance (end of September),
Several jobs have passed, as well. This has not been a good year so far, overall. Most recently, I had just started a job last week on Monday, when the very next day I needed to go to the er for low back pain so bad I wasn't sure I could effectively press the gas or brake pedals in my car (which I was driving at the time). The good news is that it appears to be a sprain or pull that I just didn't notice was happening. Yes, I lost the new job.
On Mothers Day, I took mom a cake like I usually do, and the next 2 hours turned into a nightmare that only came to an end (for now) when I went by in mid-June. I haven't been back since, and don't plan on going anytime soon. All of this over a key - the key I have had to mom's house since she bought the place in late 1993, and which was one of the original keys that came with the house (she never changed the locks). It finally got so worn down last year around Thanksgiving that it would no longer open the door. I was accused of getting keys confused, and at one point mom insisted that she never had a key of that sort. It got positively, disgustingly nasty after that, when my half sister felt she needed to get involved as well. This was the day I finally got mom to acknowledge that I needed a new key, and in June I gave her back that key when she refused to come let me in. I did not feel welcome there then, and I don't now. I can't do anything right, ever, over there.
Truth be told, the place has been toxic to me for over a decade, but how do you let go of the feeling that you should get along, and try harder, to get along with your mother?
I'll end this note by saying that it's been a very difficult year for me. I am currently not working, and very stressed about it. It was a temp-to-hire job, and I likely won't be getting any unemployment this time either.
It's the first Wednesday of the month, and there go the test sirens. I wish all of you a great day. I will try to come back here more often, but as of right now, I can't guarantee it. Love to all.
Monday, May 07, 2012
I got a job offer not quite a week ago, which is great, but it's a bad job that only pays $10.50/hr, which is barely enough to pay rent, utilities, food (I'd be losing food stamps) and keep the cats in kibble, but it's a full time regular job, not temp. I accepted (because I can't decline jobs due to unemployment), and barring any mix-ups with background and drug screen it starts on 5/14.
It's funny, I asked for a job for my birthday (which was 5/1), and I went to the open house for this on my birthday. I got the offer on 5/2.
Shortly after I got that offer, I got an offer for a temp-to-hire receptionist position that started at $11, and I would have much preferred the work, but there would have been no benefits, and I do need the medical insurance.
Last week on Thursday I got a call from another staffing agency (this would have been the 3rd one, and I hadn't even contacted them yet) who was calling me about a receptionist position that I have a skillset for that the company would like (e.g., I speak German and have been a receptionist). It would start at $15 temp-to hire ($4.50 additional per hour is worth taking a chance on temp-to-hire, as far as I am concerned), and I could get basic medical through the agency. The last person who had the position is retiring, so they like you to stick around. I have no problem at all with staying for a good long while, if I were able to get the job. I tested well on all of the office stuff and have an interview tomorrow. Please wish me luck!
Regarding unemployment, my 2nd appeal was sent for a hearing, which will be on 5/10. Legal aid has said that after looking into the details of the case they are going to assist me me in one of 2 ways. If they can find a lawyer to take the case, it will be handled that way. If not, they will prep me for the hearing.
I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that they would help me with this. I was also happy to hear that it made no sense to them that I had been turned down twice, since I was under a doctor's care, had been approved for fmla before it ran out, and certainly wasn't sick on purpose. Here's hoping something good comes out of that as well.
I still can't seem to lose any weight, no matter what I do. Matter of fact, I gained a few lbs recently, and I am not happy about that. I am hoping for some low stress times soon, so I can really relax and sleep well and get over all of this stress.
I hope all of you are doing well.
Friday, April 06, 2012
It's been a month now since I lost my job, so here's an update of sorts.
My unemployment is still denied, and I am getting more and more worried. This means I have no money coming in and I am living off of my old 401k, because it's the only money I have. Yes, I know it's a tax nightmare. Being homeless would be much worse. Since I was sick before losing my job, my savings were already depleted, and that's how I got into this mess so quickly.
Today I got a donation of 24 cans of cat food. I was so relieved I cried.
My weight is going crazy, No matter how well I try to eat, things have been crazy, and my body is Not Happy. My food money card should have been loaded today, and Some time this weekend I will shop for food.
I no longer have health insurance.
I'm still crocheting blankets for the cat shelter down the street, when I'm not too stressed (I received some donated yarn, and found some random yarn in boxes at my apartment). It seems I can't crochet when my brain's friend. The good news is, I started one yesterday and got a lot of it done today.
Thank you to all who have left me notes in the last few weeks. I am trying to hang on by my fingernails. You help. Thank you.
I am still hopeful that April will turn out much better than March was.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
''Everybody needs encouragement to embark on a healthy track. What you wear, like a good hair day, can make a huge difference. We want to provide you with activewear that will make you look and feel special."
That's a quote from the company ( http://www.adoraom.com/ ) pushed in this blog entry http://www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=gi
(MOSTMOM1 looks great in that outfit, btw. Way to go!)
The sizes run 14-24. So I guess I don't need encouragement?
Aside from the fact that this company being pushed by spark is NOT inclusive of the demographic they claim, they are also very expensive.
I really am so very tired of the dearth of quality wear in MY size (which currently seems to be anything from 26-30, although I have 2 pairs of pants that insist they are a 24). A decent sports bra in MY size. For that matter, so many plus sizes aren't available in talls, and and I have been seriously tired of that for years. I am beyond tired of the fact that it's apparently only ok to celebrate all shapes and sizes in what can only be described as the "pc plus size range".
I know that to most people who see me, I am invisible (at 5'10" and 380 lbs, that would be a neat trick, except it's no fun), and to most of the ones who see me I am merely a disgusting diversion on their way to wherever they are going. Well, guess what, boys and girls, making me uncomfortable when I move is not going to make me want to exercise more (kinda like a gaggle of you following me around the parking lot in your car, mooing at me out the windows, isn't made to help me gain any kind of self worth).
Do you honesty think I'd be this size if I had a choice? That I wouldn't be smaller? That I wouldn't have chosen to skip the past several years of heartbreak and medical issues, one of which is actually impeding my weight loss substantially? Ask my doctor. I've lost weight before, successfully, but nothing that worked then is working now. Would you like to hazard a guess at just how incredibly frustrating and demoralizing it is to not only gain back all of the 103 lbs you lost over 1.5 years, but also 35 more? To still be eating the way you're supposed to and still gain 2-5 lbs a week, no matter what? To be told by random idiots that you are full of it, that there is not such thing as hormonal or glandular issues that make or keep anyone fat?
Tired beyond tired. Still hoping, but not seeing a lot of light right now.
And no, my current situation (lost job, unemployment claim denied - appealed, but not looking good) is not helping, but I AM A HUMAN BEING. When will typical Americans stop acting like I am trash?
(A note and FYI: Any suggestion that it's my fault that I am treated badly will be deleted. I may be down about a lot of things, but I deserve to be treated decently at any size. I smile at people, I am nice to people, and I don't deserve any less in return.)
Get An Email Alert Each Time AIRPEACH Posts