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*deep breath* I did it. I had The Talk.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Two days ago I had a "straw that broke the camel's back" moment regarding The Guy and our relationship. Last night I sat him down, told him about what I knew (not all of it, but it wasn't necessary), and that it's just not working out. I've done my share of "I haven't been the best girlfriend and I'm sorry" bad stuff, but since our last fight I've been trying to do better for him...but haven't seen it reciprocated, and in fact his behavior has gotten worse. We've grown apart. And this fact has been staring us in the face for a LONG time, and it's time we acknowledge it. Because I just couldn't do this anymore.

To my surprise, he took it quite well. Not in a sense of relief and "Oh thank god, I've been wanting to break up with you too!" kind of way. He was definitely upset by it, and had that look of feeling like his world was crashing down around him. But I EXPECTED his usual response of throwing back in my face all the things I've done wrong and why I should bear more than my share of the brunt of the blame, and how he's the victim, etc. etc. I also expected that one of us would end up in a hotel room last night, and I would have insisted it be him so I could work on packing.

Instead, we had a long, mature chat. He actually took my words to heart and admitted he screwed up. You have to understand, him saying he made a mistake is HUGE. He also admitted how selfish and greedy he has been lately. He subconsciously knew he was doing it, but because in the past he'd always been the one to give of himself, he could justify it away to himself because he was "NEVER the selfish one." Well, he realized that he DOES have a selfish and greedy side, and finally saw it for what it was. Hopefully this reality check is what he needs to snap out of it and stop being such a douche to all his friends too.

As for us...we're actually still friends. I told him that I believe he's a good person with a good heart, but he let his behaviors get out of control and rule him. The problem that I have right now, even with him saying he can face it and change, is that he's said that before. I needed him to change after our LAST fight, so I don't think I can trust his change to last for more than a few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to see him change, and I WANT him to become a better person, but I really think it's too late.

In the end, we came to a few agreements: He still has hope that we have a chance. I told him I don't. BUT, it's going to take me a bit to get packed up and move out. So we're not announcing that we've split to our friends just yet on the slim chance that maybe his hope is true. However, we agreed that the changes we want to make for each other to become better people...those changes are going to be "natural" not forced. Like the things that I said annoyed me most (like picking up his dishes) he would try to work on...not for me, but to better himself. Get himself back in line on that. In the meantime, he and I both have a LOT to think about and go over mentally regarding this situation. For example, even he wants to be sure that the part of him that thinks we can work out isn't just a fear of the unknown and single-hood again.

In any case, he did say that if we have truly ended right here, that he is okay with it. Sad, but okay. We're still friends, and still care for each other. But sometimes people who are good friends just aren't meant to be a couple, and that's okay.

Of course, I've been thinking about this a LOT longer and harder than he has. I want to give him a few days to accept it, and I do hope to see some change in him. But I've considered what I want in the future, and while I think he's the kind of person I could spend time with and even raise kids with, I don't see it as being more than a loving friendship. I don't want to trod through my days the way I have: come home to a friend/roommate and feel like that's all we have between us. He's the best possible friend/roommate I could ever hope for, but I just don't see that spark of passion igniting again. And I'm afraid that with our personalities, we'd slip back into enabling behaviors again so we get to the point we were at yesterday, and NOT come out of it as friends.

So while the split isn't fully official yet, the announcement is a few days away, I think. I feel like there's a huge weight that has been lifted off my shoulders. It's funny how this all came about: I forced myself to go over to my dad's (well, mine really) house. I had to have a neighbor/family friend hold my hand and I was shaking like a leaf to do it, but I got through it. It felt good. A few days later, there was a blow-up in raid where friends were teasing Best Male Friend mercilessly, and it got to under his skin. He ragequit the raid to get away and calm down. Even though I really didn't have a horse in that race, I stepped up and chewed everyone out in his defense. I was nice, but firm about it, letting them know that they pushed too hard and he was hurt...and you just don't do that to a friend. Doing that gave me a lot of confidence, and my friend really appreciated having someone stand up for him. Confidence to stand up for my friend finally built up to confidence to stand up for myself.

I have a lot to get done now, but I'm actually happy right now. This is probably the best breakup in the history of breakups.

And in other news...

Hiya back!

  
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AILINEA 10/10/2011 3:39PM

    We actually had a follow-up talk last night. I gave him several days to let it sink in before approaching the subject again, and he's actually dealt quite well. He still thinks we have a chance, so what we're going to do is I'm going to move out (I've started packing, but I have 10 years worth of stuff in this place) and then...we'll kinda go back to the way we were before we were officially a couple. We can go out to dinner or even the movies as friends, but it's not a date. If that spark re-ignites again, fine, but if not, we are still good friends.

But I gave him back his ring, so if we ever get back to that point, he can re-propose. That way there's also no pressure of feeling like we have to ask permission if either one of us finds someone else to date.

Other than that, there hasn't been much of a "change" in the way things were except we both have been nicer, happier people toward each other. I'm still going to move out--I need the change to "find myself" again--but it really feels like we made the right decision.

We're not going to tell the guild until after Blizzcon (he's still staying with me in my hotel room--which I kinda don't want, but it would raise eyebrows and ruin the whole "not gonna tell the guild" thing if he got a separate room) because we don't want them to feel like "OH NO THE GUILD LEADERS SPLIT! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! ABANDON SHIP!" Instead I'm going to be out by Thanksgiving (well, sooner, but I'm not worried about the non-essentials in the big part of the move), and when people say, "Hey, hit your hubby for that dumb pun he made!" I can calmly tell them that we've separated and I moved out some time ago, but we're still good friends and dedicated to the guild. Nothing will really change for them except they can no longer use me as an answering service for him. emoticon

We're also going to wait until after his sister's wedding to tell his family. We don't need them to panic over it, and we're going up as friends anyway. But they'll know before the holidays too. I'll have to figure out holiday plans since I don't have any immediate family, but I have a feeling that won't be a big issue.

In other news, yeah, Leo (Best Male Friend) is okay. It was a case where he can usually take and give the teasing, but that night everyone seemed to dogpile on him and it got to be too much. I chewed everyone out (nicely!), and I think they learned a little bit about what is too much for him. They talks he had with them afterward really helped solidify some friendships.

I hear you on the leaving WoW for SWTOR. I'm not interested in SWTOR, myself, but I know several people who are. I think I'm going to keep playing WoW through T13, and hoping that whatever they announce at Blizzcon is something that keeps me interested. I'm ready for a break and would like to get back to some of my old hobbies like costuming. Maybe play WoW a bit more casually, but we'll see. I love raiding but upcoming life changes might not leave a lot of room for it. Who knows? I might pick up Diablo 3 when it comes out instead. =)

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ELPHYY 10/10/2011 9:04AM

    Sorry I'm late on commenting!

It's good that you two had "the talk" if it really needed to be done. It's even better that it went well! How are you feeling about it now? Have things changed at all? Did you move out yet?

Is "Best Male Friend" ok? Did you guys get that all sorted out? I love reading your blog and coming across something about raiding and understanding perfectly... lately I've found myself trying to explain things about the game to people and they just cant understand it. I think we may be =-X leaving WoW soonish though.. some of my guildies, me and the boy are thinking of checking out SWTOR. =-X

Grats on getting under 160!!

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Self-sabotage?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I'm seeing a pattern here that I don't really like. I get worked up and ready to diet and exercise again, do well for a few days, then feel ill like I ate something that upset my stomach and I get off track. Then I work myself up again, get back on the wagon, and tweak my back. I get through that, get going again, and then catch a cold...

These are not conscious things that I'm doing to myself, and not a result of my diet or exercise. The "I think I ate something bad" wasn't from forcing myself to eat something that disagrees with my stomach, it just happened. Tweaking my back wasn't from over-exerting myself during exercise. It happened while I was asleep (like when you get a crick in your neck), but unfortunately the effects take longer to get through.

And I know the reason I caught this cold is because I stressed myself out BIG TIME to go over to my parents' house. I was crying just at the thought of going over. I got through it, which was a good thing, but then my immune system was like, "You know what? WE NEED A BREAK!" The next day I caught The Guy's cold.

Myabe it's just a bad coincidence in timing. Like going to the house--that's part of my "I need to get my sh!t back together" plan, along with diet and exercise. I get diet and exercise going, then something like that stresses me out, and while consciously I'm wanting to move forward, subconsciously I'm pushing my body (mind and spirit as well) further and faster than it can go.

The day of "Maybe it was food poisoning? Maybe?" wasn't directly related, but again, bad timing. Same with my back.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm finally able to take a step forward, then I have some set back. I can't help but wonder if I'm doing it to myself, like I'm not putting road blocks in front of me, but I'm welcoming the universe to do it to me BECAUSE CHANGE IS SCARY.

Consciously, I want to get through all this. I'm losing the battle with my will power lately, though. I know that if...no, WHEN I push through some of my own issues, I'm going to have to face the issue of The Guy. There are times when I pity him and feel like I'm a horrible person toward him, and then I go into the kitchen where he's left his dishes from the past 3 days for me to clean up, and all that pity is lost. I know when I confront him about THAT then he'll try to turn it around and guilt trip me to weasel his way out of the hot seat. And right now, I just don't want to deal with that although I will have to soon.

Other "right now"'s: Right now I'm still not over this cold. Right now I know I need to take care of myself so I have the strength to get through the rest of that when it happens. Right now I'm sick of the coughing and sore throat and the inability to sleep through the night. Right now I need to gather myself back together, work out that plan I had going, complete with a time line of when I should have things done, and finally begin to move forward again.

Change is still scary.

  
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AHARRIS02 9/28/2011 4:04PM

    I feel the same way has you do. I can go good for a couple weeks, and then something comes up, derails me, and I then finally go back. We just have to get into a habit, and mind frame that this is something that has to get done no matter what comes up in our life. I'm guilty of it also, I think we all are. Hope you feel better with your cold. And at least you come back to it, and not give up.


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JE LiveFit Day 9

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Ugh, did NOT want to do my workout today, but knew it would make me feel better. I just feel so BLEAH lately. Part of that is depression, I know. The rest? Maybe it's the weather. It's overcast, humid, and still warm. No longer 100-and-Firelands degrees, but the humidity gets me.

Anyway, I muscled through it. This post is gonna be short because I need a shower before dinner and the now-nerfed-to-the-ground raid.

Wide-grip Lat Pulldown:
3 sets, 12 reps
Used resistance bands (Light + Heavy together)

One Arm Dumbbell Row
3 sets, 12 reps
4 plates (12.5 pounds)

Seated Cable Rows
3 sets, 12 reps
Used resistance bands (Light + Heavy together)

Underhand Cable Pulldowns (used Close-Grip Lat Pulldowns instead)
3 sets, 12 reps
Used resistance bands (Light + Heavy together)

Dumbbell Alternate Bicep Curl
3 sets, 12 reps
3 plates (10 lbs)

One Arm Dumbbell Preacher Curl
3 sets, 12 reps
3 plates (10lbs)

Standing Biceps Cable Curl
3 sets, 12 reps
Used resistance bands (Light + Heavy together)

I need to finish this bottle of water too, then start on another. I'm a bit behind. =/

  
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SPARKVAMPY2012 9/21/2011 10:09AM

    emoticon job on the workout!!! Looks like we use similar weights/bands.

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AILINEA 9/21/2011 12:20AM

    Nerfed raid is NERFED. Got through all of the Firelands content (including Rag) AND the extra boss for the Legendary quest for our Shadow Priest to get her first staff. We cycled in people who had NEVER seen Alys and Rhyo (other than the strat vids), too.

Srsly.

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ELPHYY 9/20/2011 8:28PM

    Have fun in the raid tonight!
Omnomnom water!

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JE LiveFit Day 8

Monday, September 19, 2011

Slept horribly last night. To make things worse, the people upstairs have a small child who was running the entire length of the apartment from 9 am-2pm. Seriously, FIVE HOURS of "thumpthumpThumpThumpTHUMP SLAM! thumpthumpThumpThumpTHUMP SLAM!" as they went from one side of the apartment to the other doing what sounded like a jump at each end.

I tried doing some schoolwork (Flash animation for a class project) but couldn't focus. There was no escaping it. I couldn't go into a room with a school book or my netbook and escape it because it was all over the entire apartment.

To try to calm down (frazzled nerves at this point) I decided to do my workout. Of course that's the same time they decide to go outside.

Right now I STILL have my earbuds in because I'm afraid that they will start it up again and at least this way I can drown out the noise.

So yeah, the workout. It's a repeat of Day 1 (Chest and Triceps). I added some more weight to some of the exercises, which felt good. I also swapped the narrow push ups with the wide pushups so I could work on my form before my arms turned to Jello.

It went something like this:

Narrow Pushups (on knees)
3 sets of 12

Dumbbell bench press (on floor)
3 sets of 12
Increased my weights to 4 plates - 12.5 pounds

Flat bench cable flyes (actually did Chest Flyes on the floor)
3 sets of 12
3 plates...*might* have been able to increase, but not sure I would have gotten through the last set

Wide push ups (on toes)
3 sets of 12

Standing Dumbbell Triceps Extension
3 sets of 12
4 plates

Triceps Pushdown (I did Triceps kickbacks)
3 sets of 12
Increased weights to 3 plates

That's about it for now. Gonna get something to eat, and hopefully get some good sleep tonight. I need it. =/

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKVAMPY2012 9/20/2011 10:15AM

    Great job on the workour. My nerves would have been frazzled too with that neighbor. Hopefully it is better today for you!

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AILINEA 9/20/2011 12:05AM

    @AKAFIT: Yep, I have a set of the Reebok SpeedPak adjustable weights from Target. They go up to 12.5 pounds each. The set cost about $70, though I need to get the ones that adjust in increments of 5 lbs. Those cost about $70 each, but honestly they're better than buying a bunch of individual dumbbells! I usually just write it down in terms of "plates" rather than weights because I'm lazy. XD It's easier for me to remember how many plates you have on there than the actual weight.

Oh man, I have the hardest time with the narrow pushups! I keep watching the video to check my form, but it still just feels wrong on my wrists right now. I think part of that is just a matter of building the upper body strength (and losing weight), so when it balances it out the move will be easier. Because right now...awkward and a little ow! =/

And yes! Glad to hear from someone who started at the same time! ^_^ I'll be watching your progress too! *gets out the pom-poms!*

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AKAFIT 9/19/2011 8:40PM

    When you say "plates" what are you using? Is it one of those dumbbells that you can adjust the weight on it? I really wanted to get some of those, but they were pretty spendy. I might end up getting some anyway. So, how much would one plate be?

I did the same workout and used my TENS and it really felt good, but by the 3rd set of pushups, especially the close hand (narrow ones) my triceps were JELLO!

Great job with your wotkout. Seems like we are on the same day. Day #8?

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JE LiveFit Day 6 and Retail Therapy

Saturday, September 17, 2011

I don't know what to really say about Day 6 since it's a rest day. I need to work on my food issues, and haven't been drinking enough water recently either. I feel bloated. Some of that is from not eating right, most is from body retaining water to repair muscles and that I'm not drinking enough, and I'm sure no small amount is due to the fact that I should be getting my period this week at some point.

We went to Target last night to try to find some good dinner stuff to prepare this week, and came up empty-handed on that front. Nothing sounded good. I mean, I could eat whatever we get, but honestly I feel like I should just not eat at all to try to bring the enjoyment of food back...if that makes any sense. I am just at that point where I would eat to fuel my body, yes, but I wouldn't enjoy it. Nothing sounds good. And I don't want to eat something, even if it's good for me, when I'm scrunching me nose and forcing it down just because I need to eat.

Mind you, I'm not actually going to not eat. But I feel bad not really enjoying what I am eating. I don't know what sounds good. Even my go-to delicious meals just sound "meh" right now. Even going through recipes isn't getting me excited. So I dunno. I think my body is just being stupid right now.

But while we were at Target I found some cute pink suede ankle boots! MY COLOR OF PINK! I don't have much to wear with them, to be honest (my usual outfit is jeans and a black J!NX t-shirt), but I got them anyway.

These: t.co/bUUfLJkd

However, they looked awful with my ONLY pair of jeans that fit. So today I went to Old Navy and got 3 new pairs of jeans and 2 new shirts. Two of the jeans are the same, but in different sizes (10 regular and 12 short), and another pair in grey in 10 regular.

While the material is very stretchy (go go skinny jeans) they actually fit! I got the two sizes in the dark wash because the 10's are a *little* on the snug side, but should be fine when I drop the water weight. The 12's are perfect now, and frankly, I needed new jeans *now*.

Even still, the last time I went shopping there at the beginning of the summer for some capri pants, I had to buy 14's. Sure, the capris aren't stretchy while these are, but based on the cut alone I'd say I've done it. I've officially dropped 2 pants sizes. =) Now just gotta keep going.

Plus, they look really cute with my new boots.

I also got a lightweight cable sweater in Kermit-the-Frog Green, and a 3/4-sleeve shirt in a kinda neutral dark greige. Again, they look good with my pink boots. (Yes, the green sweater looks good with the pink boots. It just does!)

All in all, I'm happy to have some new clothes to wear. I really want to get into the clothes I already have, but I'll get there.

  


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