Monday, June 20, 2011
It's easy to go "Another birthday...blargh." Today was starting out like one of those days.
Then, thanks to my friends and my Twitter friends, I had several birthday wishes that cheered me up.
I spent a lot of time today trying to convince myself that since it's my birthday, I don't have to do a workout. I went back and forth on this one, then finally reminded myself that in the end I'd be mad and disappointed at myself if I didn't do the workout. So I got it done.
Then I logged into SparkPeople to track my workout minutes, and got my bonus spin on the wheel. I won 100 SparkGoodie points!
To reward myself, I spent ALL 100 points by buying a bikini for my SparkPage. XD Hey, it's my birthday treat! AND a reminder that even on my birthday, I am now one step closer to wearing that hot red one I got for BlizzCon.
Maybe my day isn't so bad after all!
Monday, June 13, 2011
This is a very hard topic, but one I needed to post somewhere for myself to accept the inevitability, whatever it may turn out to be.
I've been in the same relationship for 10 years now. We've been through many good times and many rough times. But lately I have the feeling that it'll be a miracle if it lasts the summer.
I feel awful, and like it's dissolving for superficial reasons that are my own fault. I just...am not attracted to him anymore. There are things he does that drive me up the wall, and then there's the issue of physical attraction. On top of that, I feel like I'm doing my best to get myself back together and he's content with lagging behind. I know if I say this to him, he'll pick up the pace, but history has proven it won't be for long.
The more I work out, and the more I eat right, and the more I try to get healthy...the more I realize he's not on the same page and I don't think he ever will be. He NEEDS to lose weight. But his idea of "getting healthy" is "letting" me cook 5 or 6 meals every week (and being a guy, he can lose weight from just that), then when he has had enough and says he craves "real food" (he has actually said that to me) he wants to get fast food. Oh, but he's being supportive! He'll get me a salad from Chick-Fil-A! In the meantime he comes home with a Large size combo AND an extra sandwich for himself that he eats in one sitting. That's nearly 1800 calories with 85 grams of fat (15 grams saturated fat) for ONE meal.
Then he complains when his pants don't fit, and when he DOES exercise (I got him doing the 100/200/200 program) he complains that he can't do a full on-the-toes push-up but justifies it by saying he has too much upper-body mass...THEN claims "but it's not fat." Same thing with sit-ups. Yesterday he was YELLING at me (not at *me*, but yelling for me to hear it) that he couldn't do a sit-up. I tried to calmly help him and he kept going off at me. This wasn't the same as a middle-school kid crying "I can't do it!" when the coach is trying to get him to climb the rope. He was PISSED OFF. He said, "I DON'T understand how people can like exercise! I HATE it! It makes me HATE LIFE." He kept going, but the gist of it was that people who exercise and like it are stupid because it makes him hurt, so he hates them, hates exercise, and hates the fact that he can't do it.
Yes, he is a big guy, and not all of it is fat. He is VERY lucky with how his weight is distributed because he doesn't LOOK like he weighs as much as he does. But all the language he uses is an excuse. Like the sit-ups thing, he went online and found out that people who are top-heavy have a harder time doing sit-ups because their core strength isn't balanced for their upper-body mass. He cited a champion Tae Kwon Do athlete who couldn't do a sit-up, and said, "So I'm like him, it's not just overweight people who can't do it."
In other words, he's in denial. He won't admit that he's overweight. He won't admit he's out of shape. He's burying his head in the sand (or in fast food wrappers) trying to make it go away. He disassociates from others who are overweight through his language. For example, he says he feels little sympathy for people who are upset about being overweight but won't do anything about it. But...HE'S overweight and not doing anything about it either! At least, not on his own. The only time he does is when he begins to feel inferior.
And I think yesterday it was finally hitting him hard that he DOES have a problem, but for the first time in his life he had no one else he could blame it on. (Which I believe is the source of the anger toward people who enjoy exercise...he can't blame it on them, but he can be mad at them. However, that includes being mad at *me*.) If he can't exercise, he'll blame it on his work schedule...not on the fact that he's not making time for exercise.
He's used to being "perfect." He's used to being the smartest kid in the class, everyone's friend, the best tank on the server, etc. When he discovers he's NOT perfect or THE BEST in something, he either stops doing the activity or drops interest in it.
Well, here I am working out almost every day, losing weight, getting in shape, and not waiting on him to do it. And then when he shows interest and I try to encourage him, but he can't keep up because I've been doing this EVERY DAY for two months, he gets angry and frustrated.
You know, I could deal with that. I am pretty good at motivating people through those feelings. I was a coxswain, for cripe's sake! YOU tell 8 hungry girls, most of them PMSing, to keep rowing for 20 minutes straight!
But what I CAN'T handle is that we (usually just ME) go to the store, stock the pantry and fridge with healthy foods, and he won't cook for me. He says, "I don't want to mess up what you have planned for those items." Dude...we have a huge bag of salmon fillets, a bag of tilapia, bags of shrimp and scallops, several chicken breasts, and steaks that YOU wanted to make. Using them will NOT make me disappointed that I have to get more.
However, when I'm doing a school project that has me heads-down over the computer all day trying to code a fricking database, and he's WAITING for me to do/say something in regards to dinner...it pisses me off. I made dinner all the other days this week, SURE, I might as well do it tonight too EVEN THOUGH this project is due in 3 hours! His response: he offers to go get FAST FOOD. Again, offers to get me a salad. But FAST FOOD. THIS IS WHAT GOT US TO THIS POINT IN THE FIRST PLACE! It's not that we don't have any food in the house. We don't have any of the ADDICTIVE convenience food. And he's all about convenience. To say that he wants "real food" instead of me cooking a healthy meal was, frankly, insulting.
And finally, this all comes together when he compliments me and says I'm looking good...that he wants to take me to bed. All the other compliments that women generally like to hear. Well, I'm glad he finds me getting more attractive in THAT way...but what about the other way around? I see a guy who is looking for a magic diet pill that allows him to still eat fast food, still sit on his @ss, and get to slim down. I see a guy who won't get up and exercise except when his conscience gets to him and he "has to keep up" with me, and then RAGES at me when he can't do something...blaming it on genetics or b!tching at exercise fanatics or that I didn't tell him how to do something right rather than accepting that maybe the problem is HIM.
Worst of all, the idea of being intimate with him is, frankly, unappealing. If I'm on bottom, I'll be drenched in a sweat shower, and we'll see if he can physically go long enough for any satisfaction. He'd rather I be on top, of course, but honestly? I've never been very flexible, and for me to straddle him as big as he is AND do all the work? It's not comfortable. And let's also not forget that his folds of skin get in the way.
There are other issues between us, such as the fact that we've been engaged for going on 3 years now, but don't have a date set. He expects ME to plan the wedding. He even said in guild smething along the lines that it's great to be a guy since the wedding is "a bride's thing" so guys just have to stay quiet and let the girl do her thing. You know, I have a great dream for a wedding, but if we DO get married, it's probably going to end up in Vegas because he doesn't want to plan anything. In fact, EVERY trip we take, I'm the one stuck planning. I make the plane and hotel reservations. I look into things like shore excursions (when we went on the cruise *I* won in 2003) or what should be packed. Heck, when I won that cruise, and picked the cruise to go on, I said there were two fancy dinners so he had to wear a suit. He pitched an unholy fit about having to get a suit ("*whine* But I'm ALWAYS uncomfortable in a suit!") until we got him in the store and the suit pinned to fit. THEN he liked wearing a suit. Oh, but guess who paid for it.... He just wants to go along for the ride and have all the fun.
I just...don't know what to do anymore. It's pretty obvious I'm not happy. And then I DO feel bad because he WAS there to help me out through my father's death and all the other things that happened following it. But is that enough to make up for all these other things? Yes, he supported me when I needed it (although he also "didn't get" the depression I went through because HE rarely gets depressed), but all these other things...can he really change? Do I have the patience?
I'm going to be 33 in a week. I expected to be married and with a kid by now. With him, I don't see that happening ANY time in the near future. Thing is, my mom died when she was 51, my dad died at 63. I don't feel like I have a lot of time left. My mom didn't get to see me graduate college...I don't want the same thing to happen to my kids.
Somehow I feel that if I moved on and started over, I could get to that point where I want to be a lot faster. After investing so much time (and let's be frank, money too) into this relationship, would it be worth ending it and moving on and trying again somewhere and eventually with someone else?
I don't expect anyone to have an answer to this, but I had to put it out there since it's been weighing heavily on me for a long time now. Focusing on my physical health has been calling my mental and emotional health into question lately, and I want nothing more than to be healthy right now.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I'm still around, and joined in on the Spring into Summer Bootcamp Challenge. I'm on week 2 now, and so far I think I'm doing pretty well.
I don't know why, but following "my own" workouts have always seemed easier to work into my day than doing the videos, and yet the videos are really simple to follow. I think the problem is that I live in a really cramped apartment, so finding enough space is challenge #1, and doing it when The Guy isn't home is challenge #2. But I'm improvising pretty well and able to follow the videos for about 95% of the workouts.
I'm not actually doing the bonus videos this week, but that's because I had started another plan before I started this Bootcamp challenge. I'm doing the 100 push-ups/200 sit-ups (crunches)/200 squats training programs, and this is Week 4 for those. To put it into perspective, yesterday I did 113 push-ups total over 5 sets (okay, they're the girly knee push-ups, but I'm getting stronger!) and THEN I did my Bootcamp video...only to discover the video was the upper body workout. Yeeeeeah, after 113 push-ups, I kinda skipped/modified the push-ups portion of the video. *sheepish grin*
I'm also not tracking my food on Spark People, but I am writing EVERYTHING down in a notebook I carry with me. I'm a real technophile (have the SparkPeople apps on my phone and iPad), but to me there's just something more satisfying about writing it down on paper. I think it's because I often add a bunch of little notes, like if a salad I made was AWESOME or how exactly I cooked a veggie omelet.
Blogging is done on Wordpress too just because I love the flexibility there.
I feel kinda bad reading over this post...like I'm moving away from SparkPeople, when exactly the opposite is true. XD
Important thing is that this week has been tough, yet satisfying. After falling off the wagon for so long (I blame The Guy...it's a long Grumpy Aili story that I don't wish to get into right now though) I've picked back up and am getting back into it. Over the past 4 weeks I've lost 7.2 pounds! 1.8 of those pounds were lost just *last week*!
I'm doing a lot of things to keep myself motivated. My other blog is at firebudgie.wordpress.com if anyone's interested in my daily ramblings. I am making a paperclip chain and adding another paperclip to the chain every time I lose a pound. Right now I am 58.4 pounds away from my goal. I have Blizzcon (hopefully!) AND The Guy's Sister's Wedding (in which I'm a bridesmaid) in October. I'm hoping...no GOING to lose at least 30 pounds before then, I swear! I have a bunch of mini-challenges set up, like my "2 Pound Challenge" and "10 Pounds per Month" challenge...but I'm aiming to reach them in a healthy way, not by doing "ANYTHING it takes." I also have rewards set up for validly reaching every 10-pound milestone (NOT "I woke up dehydrated from a bout of food poisoning, but hey, I'm below my mini-goal!") like getting my ears pierced with second holes, a piece of jewelry, a cute bra/panty set, and my ultimate goal: a tattoo of a phoenix to mark my personal transformation.
I'm feeling really confident this time. And you know what? It feels GOOD!
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
The holidays were a bit of a whirlwind, so I haven't been posting/tracking on SparkPeople. I know, bad Aili. But with New Year's Resolutions and all that, I'm back to it.
I actually managed to keep the weight off over the holidays. I wasn't drinking enough water and wasn't getting in the exercise, but at least I didn't go TOO crazy on the holiday goodies. The Guy's family got me a mini-stepper for Christmas, so I have a new option for exercise.
However, just after Christmas, a small cyst on my neck decided to get infected. So I've had this Adam's apple-sized lump on my neck for the past week and a half or so. The hollow of my throat is an outie, not an innie. =/ I went to Urgent Care, but it was too early to have it lanced. They gave me a prescription for antibiotics, but when those weren't kicking in yet I went to the ER. 8 hours in the ER and THEY couldn't do anything either except give me a prescription for STRONGER antibiotics and tell me to call the clinic to have it excised when the infection goes down.
The antibiotics have been working now, although it still has a ways to go. They've also been killing all the GOOD bacteria in my digestive tract, so I've been having tummy troubles. Bloating and all that...not fun.
We're starting another round of the Game On plan with 1/3 of the people who started the first round. And all are people from my original team. Funny how that works. I designed a water bottle and everyone seems to like it: www.cafepress.com/cp/customize/produ
ct.aspx?clear=true&number=%20499277193 . I'm pretty proud of it. Going back to school for web/graphics design is coming in handy. XD
So anyway, getting my momentum going again is a bit of a drag, but I know things will be better once I get back into the rhythm.
I hope to post more often again, I just have that problem of not knowing what to say. We shall see.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
You know that plateau I was on? BAM!
I don't want to speak too soon, but I think a "bad week" took care of the problem.
Let me back up...
So we've been doing the diet "game" for about 6 weeks, and Cataclysm launched on the 7th. We decided that we were definitely going to take our "day off" as soon as the servers were available because we wanted to try for realm first classes to 85. We went to Target and prepared by stocking up:
The stereotypical "hardcore gamer diet" consists of things like chips, Twinkies, Hot Pockets, and Mountain Dew. We came home with WW Smart Ones meals, fruits, whole grain bread, and a spiral-sliced ham that we cooked but didn't put the sugar/honey/spice mixture on. Sure, ham is high in sodium, but it was convenient to go into the kitchen, carve off a slice, grab a piece of wheat bread, grab an apple, and return to game. MUCH better than having chips and soda, right?
For the first part of our gaming binge, I was doing pretty well. But around 8 am the sun began to reflect off my monitor, making it really hard to see the dark depths of Vash'jir and Deepholme. I squinted for about 4 hours straight. The squinting physically gave me a headache, the straining to see hurt more, the movement underwater made me dizzy, and the fact that The Guy's computer fan started hitting something at a constant rhythm...well, I've never had a migraine before, and I don't think it was a migraine, but I was in pain and even nauseated. I couldn't eat, even if I wanted to. The thought of something neutral like bread or rice made me urp a little. Sure, I could have gone to bed, but I REALLY wanted to do this once, just to say I did.
It slowed us down a bit. After the sun got out of my eyes and I got to recover a bit, I felt a lot better and we made the final push. In the end, we managed to hit 85 within 25 hours of launch...and considering the first half hour was taken up by wiping on the login boss, that's pretty darn good. I think I was 4th 85 mage Hordeside, and The Guy was 2nd warrior Hordeside.
After that, we passed out. I slept for 12 hours.
When I got up I still wasn't all that hungry, but I ate. I needed it. The next day, though--Thursday--that day I was RAVENOUS. I ate small healthy meals, like a Smart Ones or finding good things in the kitchen, but couldn't get enough. I made sure to wait 20 minutes to let my body get that "full" signal, but it just never came. Thursday and Friday I felt like I ate like a pig...really, I ate like a bird, but it felt like I was going back into the kitchen again and again.
By Saturday I was back on a "normal" eating plan.
I haven't gotten in any exercise this past week, but my body has been needing the time off. I can tell that I feel less sore in certain places. But the exercise break is only temporary. When we went to Target I also got these ear warmer/muff things that wrap behind the head and have embedded headphones in them so I can listen to music. I've been wanting to get out and do some walking (and maybe even pick it up to a jog when I can!) to shake up my exercise routine. I figured that could help kill the plateau too.
Saturday I woke up and just FELT like my body suddenly shrank. The Guy noticed it too. Funny how you have that "all of a sudden, I'm having a Thin Day" moments. Thin Days are like Good Hair Days. The shirt I put on looked GOOD. It was a nice feeling.
So I weighed in and boggled as I read the scale at 176.0. I had been stuck between 177.6 and 180.2 for SO LONG. Sunday I weighed in at 177.4...but something I had eaten had upset my stomach and even though I didn't get any kind of "expel the intruder" issues from either end, I WAS very bloated and gassy.
I think that's my new low ALL YEAR. I had been meh-dieting all year, but never really put my mind to it. To put this into perspective? When I finally got that motivation that I NEEDED to make a change, I weighed in at 188.6 at the beginning of June. Made it through the middle of July where I got to that plateau level of 178, then the weight slowly went up until I went to Blizzcon. After Blizzcon, we started the Game, and I first weighed in at 182.6.
Yay for starting the Game 6 pounds lower than where I peaked this summer, but it still wasn't fun to be back over 180.
But now? Now I am not only 6 pounds lower than my peak, but 7 pounds lower than THAT. 2 more pounds, and I'll have shed 15 pounds from my summer peak.
Still a long way to go yet, but hey--7 pounds in 7 weeks, even if some of that was plateau. I'll take it! It just took a shake up via Cataclysm, and starting tomorrow I'm back on plan!
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