Saturday, February 18, 2012
I mentioned in my last post that I had to go fixture shopping for the bathrooms and kitchen to replace the leaky faucets. The thought of spending money made me groan.
The other downside to the plumbing issues is that the water filter system is likely shot, so it would be to either replace it, drink tap water, or buy a Brita pitcher or make sure the fixture I buy for the kitchen sink can handle a Brita filter.
But with getting a new sink fixture, I wanted one with the sprayer for the nozzle. That eliminates fixing a filter to the nozzle. And I'm really bad at refilling pitchers, especially with the amount of water I go through. And I really don't want to drink tap water.
Then it dawned on me...
The fridge has been on its last legs for a while. Heck, I don't even know how well it's still working now, all things considered.
Initially I planned that my first major house purchase would be a TempurPedic bed...but what about a new fridge?
The one in there now is as basic as it gets. Doesn't even have an ice maker.
I've always wanted a French-door style fridge. And one with the freezer on the bottom. I could also get one with the water dispenser and ice maker....
Suddenly I got excited! I even started *crying* because for the first time I was making the house MINE. Fixtures? Appliances? I'm not even consulting with The Guy...I'm making it MINE!!!!
I went shopping today and I think I found the one I am going to get! Even better is the fact that all the President's Day sales are going on now too!
I'm so excited about this! Part of me is thinking, "It's silly to get so hyped up over a REFRIGERATOR and FAUCETS" but dangit, *I'M* the one getting to pick them out!
I was so happy that part of me was itching to just drive PAST all the store and...just keep driving.
I haven't felt like this in years!
Friday, February 17, 2012
I'm still pissed at The Guy, but it has fueled that fire under my butt to get things done.
Earlier this week I was trying to get the water turned on at the house. I called last week and they left a note on the door saying there was an open fixture or leak in the house, so they would have to come out again when I was there. I called on Monday and had them come out on Tuesday...but they said they would call me 30 minutes before the water technician was to arrive so I could be there too. I never got a call and was rather annoyed by it. TODAY I missed a different call and WHAT DO YOU KNOW but I had a voicemail from the water department about their tech being on the way. I am not sure whether it was my phone or cell carrier that messed that one up. =/
ANYWAY, I had to make the call today to have them come out and try again when I would be there. THIS time the calls went through, we showed up at the same time, and...discovered a major broken pipe leading from the water main to the house.
I was devastated. I really thought this would be a major set back. The broken pipe was right by the front stairs of the front porch, and was rather obvious. I was afraid it would require ripping out the stairs, bringing in a backhoe, the whole nine yards. The water tech said I'd have to call a plumber (of course, being a city employee they couldn't recommend one) to get it fixed. On the plus side, he said that the plumber could turn the water back on so I wouldn't have to go through Phone Tag with the city again.
This is where I have to mention once again that I am terribly phobic of the telephone when it comes to talking to strangers. I don't know why, but I hyperventilate for 10 minutes before I can even order pizza (hey, it helps reduce the number of times I order take out, so that's a bonus!) and it's just...not pretty. So finding and calling a plumber was a big issue for me.
I came back to the apartment, logged onto my computer, and found a plumber online. A bunch of the other plumbers and major companies had "meh" reviews, but I found one that had nothing but five stars on yellowpages.com. He wasn't listed on Angie's List or Google Reviews, but I checked his website and he handled the issue I was having, said he has competitive rates, and had a 10% off coupon for using his website (which I forgot to give him, but that's okay...more later). I gave it a shot, and he turned out to be really nice AND was able to fix the break this afternoon! So I have water on in the house again! YAY!!!
The downside is that since the house hasn't been occupied for so long, the fixtures (which have been there since we built it in 1986) need to be replaced in two of the bathrooms and the kitchen. So I'm going to have to go out and buy new fixtures and he'll be back on Tuesday or Wednesday to install them, as well as check the other places with known leaks for any issues. And that's where I'm going to use the 10% off coupon! XD
I hate it being a bit of a money sink right now, but it was expected. At least the water is now on, and since the water heaters are electric, there's now hot water. On Monday I'm going to call and get the gas turned on, and as soon as that's confirmed, I'm going to call the heating/AC people to come out and check the units. After that? Just need to get the cable/internet hooked up and I could live in there since it's fully furnished!
I'm in such a better mood now that I'm doing things for myself.
I still made dinner for The Guy tonight (meh) but it was an awesome dinner of chicken, spinach, and cheese stuffed shells, and we have leftovers for tomorrow and for a lunch for me. I hope he enjoys these last meals I'm cooking for him. No, really! I hope he does! I want to make some AWESOME meals before I go!
...and then he'll be left with NOTHING when I move out, which looks like it can viably be next weekend.
Oh, I'm not vindictive. I just want him to realize what he's losing. >=3
...okay, maybe I am vindictive. But I'm holding it in as best as I can. There is a VERY strong part of me that still wants to DESTROY him, but not at the expense of my own self-respect.
He might crash and burn, but I will NOT let him take me down with him!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
So I haven't been posting anywhere as much as I wanted to. I've just had a lot going on and on my mind lately. I figured I was due to post an update.
Haven't been eating or exercising the way I was. I want to, but right now everything's rather chaotic. My sleep schedule is off, and when it looks like it's getting back to normal, I'll wake up from an anxiety attack or the like and screw it up again.
I've been out of inspiration for eating well. Sometimes it's a miracle that I eat at all. I know how good GOOD food can taste, but it's more of a mood thing. I'm nowhere near anorexic, so you don't have to worry about that, but I just don't know what I want. I have a feeling that will change once spring hits and the produce section turns toward my favorite tastes.
Mentally and emotionally? Been a total wreck. I'm still living with The Guy, although that is changing FOR REAL now.
I think for all this to make sense, I gotta spill more details on what happened.
Our relationship had already been going downhill for a long time. We had been behaving toward each other as barely more than friendly-ish roommates. At Blizzcon 2010 when we met my Best Male Friend, he woke me up at 2 am (5 am our time) to argue with me that he was jealous that I was being flirty with BMF. Thing was? I was chatting just as much with another male guildie AND EVEN MORE SO with Bestie Jezi. It didn't matter that I was practically chained to The Guy the entire time. He would become center of attention/conversation and ignore that I even existed (at one point even literally SHOVED me out of the way with his backpack because he was so unaware that I was there) until the point where I got frustrated and started talking to my two best friends who actually WANTED to listen to what I had to say. But oh dear, one of those best friends is not only a guy, but a total hottie. So that was not allowed to be. It took him over a year to move past that jealousy and no longer hold it over my head that OMG I TOUCHED BMF'S LEG AS I LEANED OVER TO TALK TO JEZI WHO WAS SITTING ON HIS OTHER SIDE! Seriously.
And his jealousy wasn't just from that.
He and I have always liked roleplaying. Pencil and paper like AD&D, MMORPGs (we've always been on RP servers), message forums, Twitter, etc. Until WoW, we always RPed together. Our characters were always together or interacted in some way. When we got to WoW, he always claimed that he was a roleplayer, except he wasn't. He's moan and complain about how bad and full of drama the RP was, but would never do anything to start any RP himself. The other thing is that he likes playing female Tauren, I usually play female Blood Elves. So our characters were not together and usually had little to do with each other beyond being comrades-in-arms. Fine, whatever.
He used to get jealous when I wanted to take a night off and just RP with my friends...yes, including BMF. It would be a non-raid night, we'd have our dungeon runs done, I would stand around for an hour asking him if he wanted to do anything, and he'd say he was busy. But the minute I got into some RP with others, THAT'S WHEN he suddenly wanted to run another dungeon, and would get upset when I said I was busy.
Also, I'm aware of ERP (Erotic Role Play...a nice way of saying "Cybersexing" while in character). I didn't on my characters, even on those who developed relationships with friends' characters. We knew where the boundaries were and respected that.
Fast forward. I have a roleplay account on Twitter. It's a canon character. I'm very careful about how I interact with other people, and while verbal flirting is fun, any physical emotes that I made were hugs at most. Anything beyond that was assumed by the reader, and I did that on purpose. I know some of the Blizz employees follow the WoW Twitter RP accounts, so my friends and I are very careful about sticking to lore and avoiding any shipping (relationshipping) of THEIR characters.
The Guy got jealous of my RP there, too. Said it made him upset that I would flirt with others...even though my character is male and ambiguously bisexual. o.O Fine. So I drew it back. A lot.
He's gotten into another RP fandom. He made an original character that is essentially him in this fandom's world. And he immediately got into relationships with his character.
Deep down that rabbit hole he went.
Back in September he would be distracted during raids (AS RAID LEADER) because I saw him DMing (Direct Messaging - the equivalent of private chat) with someone. I couldn't read what was going on, but recognized the interface, and when it wasn't just me calling him back to attention between raid wipes when we were ready to go, I knew it was a much bigger problem that was affecting more than just our relationship. Thing is, I saw when the chat he was having with a particular character got hot and heavy in public, and then she'd say, "Let's go somewhere private," and then they wouldn't have anything on their public timelines for a couple hours, and THEN they'd come back to public tweets and talk about how amazing each other was...and I knew what was going on. I'm not an idiot, although apparently he thinks I am.
This is where my position on it gets rough: He was leaving his Macbook on when he was at work. So yeah, that "Straw that broke the camel's back" moment was when I went onto it and checked. Sure enough, he had been ERPing with that person. I didn't have to read much. It happened only a couple of times, but that's all I needed. I felt my stomach drop, I felt nauseated, and immediately closed up what I saw. This is the guy who was jealous of me hanging around other guys. This is the guy who always said that if he caught his significant other cheating on him, it would be over with no forgiveness. This is the guy who had a hard time with how I RP and who I RP with when he made no effort to get involved even when I TRIED to involve him so he knew everything was on the up-and-up.
The day after or two days later was when I had The Talk with him. I didn't mention that I went on his computer. I told him pretty much what I said above: I knew his public chat got hot and bothered, they went to DMs, and I could see DURING RAID that he was distracted by his DMs...and that's how I knew what was going on. I told him I don't think we're going to work out, but he wanted another chance. One of my conditions was that his relationship with this person had to end. He agreed.
He was upset, of course. Said he didn't want to lose our relationship. He said he understood that maybe we need a break, but he wants us to keep trying and get back what we had.
See, I thought he was genuinely upset at the time. What I believe now?
They were crocodile tears.
He wasn't upset about losing our relationship. He was upset at the prospect of losing his all-expense-paid vacation to BlizzCon (that *I* paid for), as well as how he would have to tell the guild why he wouldn't be there, and how to tell his family when his sister's wedding (which we were both part of) was a week after. He was upset at the potential discomfort that he would face, and having people know it was his fault. He's NEVER at fault. For ANYTHING.
Okay, MAYBE he was a little upset about losing the relationship. But not enough.
Because he was doing it again TWO DAYS LATER. And again ON THE NIGHT OF AND DAY AFTER our follow-up talk.
He kept doing it THROUGHOUT October and midway through November where apparently it started going out of character and I think he was even trying to figure out a way to see her in person.
She then claimed to be a guy IRL, and the relationshipping ended. However, based on the sudden change in conversation (I only have evidence of what she said, not what he said due to the incoming emails), it came off as a desperate attempt to escape an uncomfortable situation. I don't know how to explain it other than she was first asking if their relationship could work in person and saying she couldn't go through with something if she wasn't sure, and then a couple hours later said, "Please don't be upset, but I'm a guy IRL." It was just too sudden for me to believe it. Heck, if I had a persistant guy trying to go after me, I would tell him I'm a guy IRL to get him to leave me alone.
Not that it mattered too much. He found someone else in December and started up again.
He was ERPing in DMs throughout the Christmas holidays while we were BOTH visiting his family. He was ERPing AT a New Year's Eve party hosted by one of our guildies. This new person disappeared for two weeks in mid-January, but they've been going at it nearly every night since she came back at the end of the month.
Yes, even last night. Valentine's Day. Oh, he bought us both some fancy chocolate bars from World Market on the 13th, but no flowers, no cards, no balloons, nothing beyond that. (Not that I wanted it, but still...I would have really liked some flowers. =( ) And *I'M* the one who made dinner last night. He was tired and nodded off twice before dinner (from staying up until 4:30 am RPing), took a nap after that, raided, cut raid a little short so he could go to bed, and RPed some more for another hour after he was in bed. At least he said thank you for dinner?
I want to confront him with it. I want to scream at him about it. I want to tell his family, our friends, the guild, post it in public... I want to ruin him with this.
But I can't.
See, after I confronted him in October, I noticed he put a password lock on his computer at boot up. I know it's because he didn't want me snooping on his computer, but I didn't say anything. I just did the same because if he wasn't going to trust me, then I wasn't going to trust him. I already knew what I needed to know.
My mistake was believing that he actually wanted to change. But two weeks ago after a content patch on raid night, I texted him asking if he wanted me to turn on his computer and download the patch because it took me about 15 minutes and I knew he was getting home late. He said go ahead. I couldn't log on because of the password requirement and texted him about that.
His response, "Oh yeah, that was an arbitrary thing I did because now that I'm back working QA it feels weird to not sign in."
My bullsh!t detector SCREAMED at me. I knew something was going on.
The next time he had his computer on and went AFK, I went into his browser and got his passwords for his Twitter accounts and the email accounts attached to them. (I told you, I'm not an idiot even if he thinks I am.) And yes, then I logged in and saw EVERYTHING. That's how I know what was going on all this time. I have been livid for the past couple of weeks.
So my hands are dirty, which is why I can't confront him about this.
And admittedly, I am not without guilt either. After I broke up with The Guy, BMF and I finally said we had a chance and want to get together. BMF is NOT a rebound guy, either. He's always been there for me...not to get some nookie or something for himself, but because he actually CARES FOR and APPRECIATES me. He even wanted to get me flowers for Valentine's but felt that would be awkward with me still in the apartment and didn't want it to cause any more problems between me and The Guy than we're already dealing with.
I shouldn't care what The Guy does as far as relationshipping with other people. But I do because he LIED AND MANIPULATED ME to give him his vacation, comfortable holidays with his family, presents, continue making his meals, etc. He doesn't want a relationship with me, he wants me there as his mother to pick up after him all the time. And he got it for a few more months than I should have given him, all while telling me he wanted to stay together on the same day he was cyber-screwing someone else.
This story will NOT have an unhappy ending. I haven't said anything to him directly, but he has to be blind to not see that I've been packing and moving stuff to the house. I'm having issues coordinating with the city people (that's a /facepalmy story too) to get the water turned back on at the house, and once I do that I can get the gas turned on and the heater/AC people to come out and make sure that's okay. But I've moved the majority of my clothes out, as well as several boxes of stuff. I'm sore and bruised from hauling that stuff over on my own.
I'm not talking to him about it. He'll probably act like it was a sudden thing when I tell him I have a moving truck scheduled, and that I need his help--he OWES me so much more, but I'll take just his help to move--but he knew this was coming anyway.
I don't care anymore. I'm flippin' angry at him for using me like this, but I won't let it happen anymore.
I'm only spilling all this here because I need some place to vent, and holding in this secret from all our friends (who I have been assured would sympathize or side with me by the few people who know) is driving me crazy.
Not this weekend, but next weekend I plan to be in the house permanently. There may still be a few things here in the apartment to deal with, but I'll be living away from him. Shortly after that, Jezi will be moving in with me (because a 3 BR house is a little big and lonely for one person, and she needed a change of scenery anyway) so I'll FINALLY have someone to be able to go out and socialize with. Then her SO and BMF want to visit in mid-March during Spring Break, and another friend wants to come down to visit at some point.
Things WILL turn around.
And he's gonna regret EVERYTHING. His loss. I'm gonna survive this.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Long time, no post, I know I know. I haven't posted on my Wordpress blog, either. Or on one of the LJ communities I'm a member of that's all about fitness. Heck, I haven't been so great about eating right and exercising lately. I've put on some holiday weight, not gonna lie. I'm still at/around 165. If I can maintain this through the end of the year, I'll be okay.
Mostly, I just need to vent right now. Except "venting" isn't really the word. Decompressing works well. Unbottling, maybe.
25 years ago on Friday, we moved into the house. The house I got in the estate. The house I've been avoiding for the past 3 years because of all the memories tied up into it. Oh, I visited a few times, but not a lot. Not if I could avoid it.
I had been planning to go over to the house to bug-bomb it so I can get back into the process of moving in. Wouldn't that be funny if I move back in on the 16th, 25 years after I moved into it in the first place? But Stupid Brain was trying to convince me to not go. "You can do it tomorrow," it was saying to me. "You're not feeling up to it...just let it slide one more day. It's not going anywhere, so no need to stress yourself out." I called Leo this morning to have him tell Stupid Brain to shut up.
Thing is, I had a dream last night that while I was at the house, a former neighbor stopped by to say hi. She was proud of me for taking care of it myself. Then her mom came over too, and said she was proud of me. I told her mom that it was her struggles with cancer that helped my parents when they each got the disease. Then I remembered that she died before either of my parents did. That's when I knew it was a dream.
I kinda broke down. I wished it was my parents who had visited me in my dream, telling me they were proud of me for finally taking charge. Midway through the year I had made an end-of-the-year "bucket list" of things I wanted to accomplish. I said that by the end of the year, I wanted to do things like lose some weight (although I didn't lose as much as I wanted, I got a good start/foundation and have a good plan of attack once I'm on my own), I wanted to graduate (not only did I finish school, but I'm graduating with honors - 3.91 GPA!), I wanted to break up with The Guy (let's face it...he's been enabling me to hold myself back the same way I enabled him to be lazy and leech off me by making me mother him when I could barely keep myself together), I wanted to go to Blizzcon (even went to Blizz HQ!), and I wanted to visit Leo (which was the BEST trip I've ever taken). The last thing on my list was to finally face my fears and deal with/move into the house. Oh, and get a job, but I really think I need to move and get settled before I do that or I'll come up with excuses like "I don't have the time." That's Stupid Brain talking.
So here I am...it's the end of the year, and I have to do it. I just wish my parents could have been in that dream, telling me they were proud of the progress I've made. It's hard not hearing that. And going to the house is a reminder that I'll never hear it again.
An hour and a half phone call and 8 Kleenex later, I finally got ahold of my girly-balls, put on my shoes, and went to the house.
For the most part, it's intact. The plants were all dead because I stopped going over there and tending them. The electricity has been on, but the gas and water have been turned off so it's a bit cold in there right now. It smelled a little musty, but not bad...kind of like the basement of a library. Nothing a good dusting and some Febreeze can't handle, as well as opening the windows on a nice day. Despite my black thumb for the plants inside, the holly bushes out front are rampaging, and I had no idea we had an ivy plant around the side of the house but sure enough the vines have climbed up past a living room window.
I finally pulled out some garbage bags to get rid of the dead plants. I got rid of most of them. And I swept up the dead leaves that they had dropped all over the floor like it was eternal autumn in there. I also cleaned out the fridge and freezer of the few things that were left and most likely beyond inedible to the point of probably being toxic. I discovered that my brother never brought the nice corningware dish that our neighbors loaned us (full of spaghetti for post-funeral meals) back to them like he said he would. He probably didn't even finish the spaghetti. I'm not venturing to look into that thing right now. It can continue to live in the fridge for a little longer. Sadly, those neighbors have also moved, and the husband died about a year or so ago.
I also took my camera, set it on the video recording, and did a walk-through of the house for Jezzie. There are times I sound like I'm out of breath walking around. At one point I heard a sniffle in the recording, and I realized I was more wibbly than I originally thought. That "heavy breathing" was really just deep breaths as I made sure I held myself together. There are a few scathing comments about my brother and relatives and the state they left the house in (that I should be cleaning up) in the video too.
I came home, stopping by my apartment's dumpster to toss the plant corpses and toxic "I think that was once considered food," and then collapsed in the apartment for a bit. Then the tears came. They don't seem to want to stop either.
I'm not sure how I feel right now. I don't know why I'm so afraid of going to the house. I think part of it is that I know my neighbors have been VERY kind and have been helping to take care of the lawn and checking to make sure it's secured and stuff. I feel bad because I know I'll have to face them and say thank you. They are incredible people, and I know this. But I feel like they'll be mad at me, so I want to run away like a child even though I am pretty sure they'll be just fine and incredibly understanding for everything I went through.
I can only deal with cleaning the house a little at a time. Overall, it's not bad. Practically looks like I can move right in. I get angry at how much of a disaster my relatives made of it, so I not only have to clean the relatively neat areas they left untouched, but also have to clean the messes they left. Pillows on the floor? A pile of clothes here and there? Half-filled trash bags? Those weren't there the night Dad died. That's their fault. And I know I should pick it up, but it makes me so angry to see it. I know if I clean it up and put things away, their mess won't be there and will no longer be able to make me angry, but at the same time I just don't want to touch it.
I need to get the gas, water, and cable turned back on, and check to make sure the fridge is okay (it didn't feel like it was running cold enough to me). And once I get the place straightened up, I can move in. There's really not a lot to do, but it can be so hard to do it.
I just wish I knew why I was so reluctant. Is it because I didn't really grieve? I went from taking care of my sick father to taking care of a lazy roommate without really taking care of myself. And now I'm ready to grow up and get out of the apartment, but something is stopping me. Is it because despite being unhappy here, it's a known discomfort rather than facing an unknown future where I could potentially be incredibly happy or even more miserable than before? Am I--the girl who moved into college AND to Paris without seeing either location--afraid not of the surroundings of a known house, but of the unknown "adventure" of being an adult on my own again? I won't be alone for long...Jez is watching the video right now and wants to move up here and be my roommate ASAP. I think I have hooked her on the house.
Maybe part of it is that the task seems so daunting. I want to clean it up, but I want to clean it up my way. But it would be so much easier if I had someone there with me, at least to talk and keep me company while I put things away. I brought my iPod with me today, and should have been listening to my "Upbeat Gym Rat" mix, but instead I caught myself muttering under my breath about how my relatives made me so angry about the state of the house.
I'm cataloguing what I need to do in my head. There's not that much. I COULD be in there this weekend if I tried hard enough. I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of leap yet. But it's just a hop, skip and a jump, so move your little rump, Ailishy! Right?
I have a feeling I'm gonna have a good cry tonight.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Lots of stories to come, but a few highlights:
Seeing my bestie, Jezzie! And all the other Portent Alliance people!
Meeting Fyreuni of Daiy Quests comic (http://daily-quests.com/comic/), and getting all her buttons to decorate my lanyard.
Being able to get Leo's goodie bag, badge, t-shirt, and other items. He was feeling down that he couldn't go, but it really helped cheer him up.
Yes, I have signed up for the annual pass. TYREAL'S CHARGER?! HELLS TO THE YES!
Fangirling all over Christie Golden again. Jaina book is confirmed. She said that it'll "be different--not what people are expecting." I trust Christie on this one.
Seeing Cadistra jump about 2 feet into the air at dinner one night. Why? Samwise Didier was eating at the next table over, and she fangirls all over him. Mew asked him to come over while Cadi wasn't paying attention. He squatted down beside/behind her, she had no idea he was there, and in his best Samurro voice he goes, "SO WHAT ARE WE EATING?!" First it scared her, then she realized who it was and she FREAKED! In the end, he remembered her work (she had given him her business card last year), he gave her his work email address (written on the back of her badge), and told her to send him her latest work! So excited for her!
I think this last pic says it all...
Oh yes. We got a tour. Granted, it wasn't as good as it could have been since most of the building was off-limits to visitors, but still SO AWESOME.
Such a fun trip!
Get An Email Alert Each Time AILINEA Posts