Tuesday, October 09, 2012
June 20, 2008 - I turned 30.
July 5, 2008 - My father is diagnosed with an aggressive cancer.
September 20, 2008 - Jeff proposes. The proposal was a bit of a let-down, but had its own story. It was kind of rushed anyway, as I didn't know how much time my Dad had (my mom died in 2000), and I wanted to make sure he saw me engaged to the guy I'd been with for so long.
October 9-12 - Blizzcon: I paid for the flight, hotel, food, most of the purchases at the convention. Jeff paid for the tickets. First time meeting Jezi in person.
October 28, 2008 - Death of my Father
March 2009 - End of my dream job
Spring 2009 (April or May?) - Death of my grandfather
Summer 2009 - Complications in the estate, my brother proves to be a greedy jerk...stopped only by the grace of the legal system.
July 2009 - I start school again after deciding that my job was what I REALLY enjoyed doing, and I needed to get some kind of accreditation under my belt to make myself more valuable for a company.
August 2009 - Jeff gets fired from his job. We go to Blizzcon (that I paid for entirely). See Jezi again, meet Wern, Mae, and Nyco.
October 2009 - Charlotte Ren Faire with Tollus, Keldrin, and Khlar. (I paid for.)
December 2009 - My brother begins sending me nastygrams (cc'ed the estate lawyer) to get money from real estate rent checks...which SHOULD have been coming to my address, but thanks to his meddling, were sent to my father's house. He didn't receive them immediately because I didn't receive them like I was supposed to so I could forward them, even though I was watching for them. He accused me of trying to steal them from him.
January 2010 - After another round of nastygrams from my brother, and finally locating the checks (neighbors had picked up the mail and had been away for the holidays), I send my brother his money and tell him I will deal with him on legal matters alone, but I wanted no more to do with him.
Spring/Summer 2010 - Depression begins setting in. Job hunt wasn't going well, Jeff was still unemployed and began asking me for money (ie paying for his car repairs), I began feeling very isolated and lonely. Jeff makes the comment to our friends that a wedding "is a bride's day, so he is happy to stay out of the planning and let (me) do whatever (I) want." That's the extent of his thought process toward getting married other than, "I don't want to get married until we lose weight so we look good for the pictures." He made no effort toward THAT front, either. Really began to feel the weight of everything come crashing down upon me with no hope in sight that I can climb out of it.
October 10, 2010 - I join SparkPeople. I try to encourage him to join. LOLOLOLOL. SparkPeople isn't a "magic pill" so of course he'd never join!
October 2010 - Blizzcon (again, I paid for) - See Jezi, Wern, and Mae again, meet Leo for the first time, as well as Call, Vor, Thuryn, Cervus, Cadi, Bo...um...I feel like I'm leaving people out... Jeff accuses me of paying too much attention to Leo. (I paid Jezi as much, if not more, attention...and only paid attention to them because Jeff ignored my existence except when he needed money or suddenly realized A GUY was talking to me.) Seriously, he woke me up one night 2 hours after I fell asleep for sex, and the next night woke me up 2 hours after I fell asleep to b!tch at me that I spent more time talking to Leo than basking in the glory of his presence and stories I've heard (and was often part of) a million times already.
November 2010 - Charlotte Ren Faire with Tollus, Keldrin, and Khlar. (I paid for.) I'm in a VERY bad depression at this point. It was the last time we had sex, and even then I ended up crying because it was so bad. (I think he coerced a handjob out of me at Thanksgiving or Christmas that year at his parents house?)
March 2011 - After attempting to diet with guildies and Jeff, I finally hit that point where I hated myself so much that it was either make a change or give up. I don't like giving up. I started dieting and exercising seriously. I began cooking all of the meals at home.
April 2011 - Jeff FINALLY gets a job after mooching off my inheritance all this time. I gave him $2000 to cover rent and bills (approximately $1300-1500, I believe), expecting my "change" back. He used the rest to pay for a full year of car insurance, then begged me for more money to cover gas, his lunches, and other bills until his first paycheck came in. I gave him $500 more, insisting that when his first paycheck came in, he owed me a nice dinner at the Melting Pot. However, then he got mad at me that I couldn't help him pay his income taxes. When his first paycheck came in? He bought a few boxes of cards for the WoW trading card game, but didn't have enough left over in his bank account to cover an oil change.
Spring 2011 - Jeff discovers My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. He soon begins a roleplay Twitter account.
May 21, 2011 - Blizzcon tickets are released. Jeff gets in the queue fastest, but his check card is declined. (He had money, but he used it with his PSN account when "hacking Sony's network" was the new "Hello World!", so the bank had issued him a new card that he hadn't activated yet...he could use his old card for small purchases, but not large ones like $600 for 4 Blizzcon tickets.) I end up paying for the tickets. I also bought the flights and hotel that day. He said he wanted to pay for Cadi's ticket...except HE didn't pay for it. I did. (The other was earmarked for Leo, who ended up not going due to school.)
June 20, 2011 - I finally get that dinner at the Melting Pot to celebrate my birthday. About this time, I start opening up to Jezi and Leo about how unhappy I am.
Summer 2011 - Jeff begins to annoy and drive away a lot of our friends and guildies due to his pony obsession and constant spam of Pony *things*. He takes it personally, and accuses them of not liking him because they got annoyed with his spam.
Fall 2011 - I get my weight down about 30 pounds. Jeff tells me "Exercise hurts, it's stupid, and people who like it are stupid!" He also insists on wanting Chick-Fil-A instead of my cooking because he wanted "real food." I think at this point he weighed around 350-365 pounds. The few times he tried exercising or eating better was when he realized I was losing weight and he thought it made him look bad. I realized a lot of his yelling at me about losing weight being hard, or how he wanted fast food or comfort food, or how exercise was stupid...these were all sabotage tactics. I was depressed...therefore how could I "beat" him at anything?
October 3, 2011 - Jeff began cheating on me...yes, by cybering while pretending to be a cartoon pony with people on Twitter who I'm sure were underage. (He has since become more careful about the "underage" part.)
October 6, 2011 - I found out about his cheating.
October 7, 2011 - I confronted him about it, said I wanted to break up. He said he wanted to work things out. I believed him. I told him the one requirement was to end the cheating/relationshipping. You can roleplay without that kind of relationshipping. He agreed.
October 9, 2011 - He started cheating again. For a person who "wanted to work things out," that conviction didn't last long. (Jezi's comment: "He didn't want another chance to work things out, he just wanted another chance to hide it better.")
October 12, 2011 - We have another talk. "We want to remain friends" we said. I give him back the engagement ring, saying maybe someday he'll propose to me again with it as we relearn how we became friends in the first place.
October 19-24, 2011 - Our Blizzcon trip...that *I* paid for. He does not cyber, but sends her messages like "I miss you" and "I can't wait until I'm home to talk to you more!" (Connection there was bad for AT&T customers, and I wasn't about to shell out $35/day for wifi...obviously, he wasn't willing to, either, and waited for me to pay for it.)
October 28-30, 2011 - His sister's wedding...that I was a bridesmaid for. Again, he doesn't cyber, but they pass "I miss you!" messages the entire time.
November 11, 2011 - The person he's cybering with asks him if their relationship could work out IRL...he insists it can. We were still living together. I still believed he wanted to work things out. She rethinks it, says it probably wouldn't work. He gets more insistent that it would. A few hours later, she says she's a guy. Communication ends there.
Thanksgiving, 2011 - We travel separately. I do not join him when he visits his family. I needed some space.
December, 2011 - He finds a new cyber partner. This one is a high-school age boy. Yeah.
December 6, 2011 - I graduate. With honors.
Christmas, 2011 - We go to visit his family again. This time he cybers while we are there.
New Year's, 2012 - We go to a friend's New Year's Eve party. He's cybering AT the party.
January 30, 2012 - I realize he's hunched over his iPhone all the time again, unable to even sit through a half hour tv show or dinner when we'd go out. I recognize the same behavior, manage to get his passwords, and confirm that the cheating never actually stopped except when he was between partners. Without telling him, I begin the moving out process.
February 12-18, 2012 - I face my fears, start coming to the house to clean, and begin moving boxes of my belongings that he won't notice are gone. I make appointments for various house needs - water and gas to be turned on, a plumber, etc. to make the house livable. That includes buying and changing out fixtures and other necessary fixes.
February 19, 2012 - Our last major fight. I tell him I know he's continued cheating, but didn't tell him how I knew for certain. Just cited his behaviors. He screams that he hates living with me. I tell him I'll be out by Friday.
February 24, 2012 - Moving day.
March 2, 2012 - Jezi moves in with me.
March, 2012 - Our boythings come to visit. There is much love and happiness (despite the bout of food poisoning.)
April, 2012 - Start job-searching. Jeff tells one of his cybersex partners that in our time together, most of the time I was either unemployed or "working minimum wage." No, retail might not be great, but it's not the same as minimum wage. (Also, I supported HIS unemployed a$$ AND paid off my student loans on my "minimum wage" job.) I note that I now have 2 degrees under my belt, while he has none. Is he making more money than I am? Yes. He's in a technical field. It happens.
April 13, 2012 - He insists it's been 3 months (it had only been 6 weeks. And during those 6 weeks, see above "moving, moving roommate in, having house guests") so I should have my belongings out by now. He gets particularly nasty about it. I tell him that he's made it very clear that leaving him was the best thing I've ever done. To that, he just laughs. (Yeah, we shall see who gets the last laugh!) I /gquit our guild because I refused to be under his thumb anymore. Many friends follow suit. The story comes out on Twitter. Jezi defends me in 5 words, and mostly discusses how he hurt her. (Important for the next day's events.) Overall, it's not as much of a dramabomb as it could have been, and we did a good job of refraining from name-calling. We just left the barest facts out there. (He cheated, treated his most loyal friends poorly, abandoned responsibility, and laid blame at the feet of others.)
April 14, 2012 - Jezi and I go over to get my belongings. He locks us out for 2 1/2 hours until his mom, sister, and brother-in-law show up. He bellows at Jezi, saying she is not welcome in his home (too late, she'd already seen the mess it was a week earlier...even got pictures). His mother insists she leaves, leaving us with one less pair of arms, legs, and car to help schlep stuff. He or someone in his family help me pack...they break some of my belongings without owning up to it, even if it was an accident. (My glass rose, for example.) Several of my belongings are still unaccounted for.
June 2012 - Visit Leo. There is much love and happiness.
July 2012 - Have job interview. Despite having the most experience, I am rejected for someone else because I haven't been working for 3 years. You know, in hindsight? The office was in a perfect location, and I could do the job, but I didn't see much room for growth for me there.
August 2012 - Job searching. Jezi's boything comes to visit. I know Jeff is still "cleaning up from living with me." Funny, his apartment was looking pretty good without my belongings there. I know I didn't go in and mess it up again. He tells a pony cyber friend that I was a "hoarder" (funny, he was the one always buying junk on ebay) and that he's throwing out anything of mine he still finds...as opposed to being a civil adult and bringing or sending them to me. My house, on the other hand, is still fairly neat and tidy. There are still a few boxes of belongings that need to be dealt with, but have to first clean out the belongings of my father and brother. Unlike Jeff, I have no dirty dishes laying in piles on my couches or in the sink, no bags of garbage to trip over, and it's clean enough on a daily basis to have company over at any time without feeling embarrassed about the state of the house.
September 2012 - Job searching. Apply for a position, and recruiter condescendingly tells me that I haven't been working in so long, so I'm basically not worth even submitting to a job position. (Funny enough, I've had 2 or 3 other recruiting companies try to submit me for the same position at the same company. =P) Honestly? This pisses me off. Fire is lit under butt. It stuck in my craw. Like dealing with the ex, I took the attitude of, "I'M GONNA SHOW YOU!"
September 28, 2012 - Recruiter calls me for a position. I'm a little nervous as to whether I'm qualified, but you know what? I'm gonna try anyway. I put on my "positive face" and go for it.
October 5, 2012 - Get a call from the recruiter saying the person hiring is interested in talking to me. Would I be able to do a phone interview THAT DAY?! I say yes! We schedule for 4:30 pm, but at 4:50 get a call from the recruiter that the interviewer is SWAMPED and can we reschedule for Monday? YES!
October 6-7, 2012 - Nervous and excited Budgie is nervous and excited! Also notes that this is marking the year anniversary that Jeff cheated.
October 8, 2012 - After 45 minutes total sleep, I get a call from the recruiter that the interviewer is swamped, and can we reschedule for 4 pm? YES! (Also meant I got some more sleep!) Had the interview, and interviewer wants to schedule an in-person meeting...for the next day! Schedule it through the recruiter...11:30 am for October 9th.
Today - Meet at 11:30. Have lunch. Felt really good! Then she says she'd like to bring me in for the rest of the week, see if I would fit with the team, and she'd make her decision on Friday/over the weekend to have me officially start on Monday! I've never heard of a 3-day "trial" before for a technical company, but I roll with it. Not about to turn this down at this point! Call recruiter when I get home, but she's out to lunch. No response for several hours. Finally get call around 3:30. They've nixed the trial period idea.
Instead, I GOT THE JOB! I START TOMORROW!!!!
So in about a year, I got rid of a major negative, draining, unhelpful influence in my life, I moved on to my own home, I have someone new, I have a best friend and roommate always there for me, I have a HUGE circle of friends cheering me on, and I have an employer who WANTS me to work for them!
Up until today, the ONLY thing Jeff had "over me" was the fact that he's employed and is NOW financially stable (because I bailed him out so often). He drove off his/our circle of friends, he still lives in the apartment with no ambition to get out, he's still only cybering with people online rather than getting a social life, the only time he goes out is to visit his family or when they come down here (it's a 3 hour trip), and he blamed me for being a "downer" in his life when I was struggling alone to pull myself up.
If the ONLY thing he had over me was a job and financial security, I'd say I still came out ahead. Jobs come and go. But now? I have one too. And the prospects of my future with that job are already looking good.
Does he have a wonderful roommate?
Does ha have an actual girlfriend?
Does he have a large circle of friends who know him in person and cheer for him?
Does he have a home that he takes pride in and keeps clean?
Nope. Guess what? It's been a year, but I'd say that after being "beneath him" due to depression, I've caught up to and surpassed him.
As I told him...leaving him was the best decision I've ever made.
Who's laughing now?
Saturday, October 06, 2012
As I posted in my status update today, I had both a scale victory and a non-scale victory!
The scale victory is when I get a new low, especially one that gives me a new pound-number, not just lower fraction of a pound. So today I hit 156.8. To me it's a scale victory even though my last low was 157.0. Sure, it's just a difference of 0.2 pounds (maybe as little as 0.1, maybe as much as 0.3, but my scale measures in 0.2 increments) but it got me below 157 so I now have my eyes set on 155-point-anything! It is at this point I move a gem from my "pounds to lose" jar to my "pounds lost" jar:
The one on the left is my "pounds to lose" jar, and the one on the right is the "pounds lost" jar. I have those decorative glass gems in there, and some are even shaped like hearts. So I move one gem every time I get below a full pound (such as today), and I move one of the large heart gems every time I get into a new 10-pound range (such as going from 160.0 to 159.8).
I used to move them back and forth when I gained, too, but then I kept forgetting exactly how many I had in each one. So I decided it was more motivating to look at it every morning when I got up knowing I had this low before, I can do it again, and I can even do better. It makes moving a gem into the "pounds lost" jar feel more like an accomplishment.
My non-scale victory is my favorite pair of black jeans! I was able to put them on and close them today! Mind you, there was some muffin-topping and camel-toeing going on (the muffin-topping wasn't as bad as I expected, but I have enough "junk in the trunk" and padding around my thighs to make the camel-toe a little too obvious), so I'm not going to be wearing them in public yet, but the fact that I could actually get them on and buttoned without too much of a struggle felt so good!
I have a goal of hitting between 145-150 by Thanksgiving (6-12 more pounds in 6 weeks). I'm pretty sure I can hit 150, and when I do I'll try the jeans on again. I'm certain that if I can hit 145, I'll be wearing them during the holiday!
In other news, I was supposed to have a phone interview on Friday, but the person I was supposed to interview with was completely swamped and didn't have time. Which is why she needs a new hire in the first place! So that's been rescheduled to Monday at 11 am. If anyone has has prayers or candles to light or anything, I would greatly appreciate it. I know I can wow them with my personality, but have been turned down multiple times because I haven't been working in so long...despite being in school. I keep telling myself it's THEIR loss because I'm incredibly self-motivated and a hard worker (turning my life around and even losing weight wouldn't have happened if I wasn't) and if they can't see that then they must be blind.
Seriously, I was once told, "You have the best experience, but you'd be working in an office on your own and don't know if you have the self-motivation to be able to work alone like that." My roommate laughed incredulously at that, saying I was the most hard-working, motivated, and *MOTIVATIONAL* person she knew. (I don't know about THAT, but it was nice hearing it. XD) Pfft...well, while the location of that particular office was PERFECT (5 minutes away, wouldn't even have to get on the interstate) and I knew every aspect of how to do that job, they also didn't give me a fair interview because everyone else got an HTML "test" to show what they could do, but they dropped the ball when it came to me. Never sent me the test, even when I reminded them of it twice. Not sure I want to work for that anyway.
The company that gives me a chance will hit the jackpot.
But bills are piling up quickly, so I REALLY hope this company is willing to give me a chance!
Fingers crossed for Monday!
Thursday, October 04, 2012
Things have been going surprisingly well. Except for the STILL UNEMPLOYED part. That's getting stressful. But again, I'd rather take the stress of job hunting over what I went through last year.
Yesterday marked the day Jeff began cheating on me. Not the day I found out, but the day he started.
He calls me "paranoid" and "crazy." I call him "caught in the act." He calls himself "loyal." I say:
But I've managed to stop reading his private messages. He began flirting with a 21-year-old girl, lied about his age (she asked if he was 25. He said "More like 30, but yeah around there." He's 33...12 years older than her), and sent her pics of his junk. And I don't mean the garbage in his apartment. Yes, it was him.
This was my reaction:
I haven't read his DMs since.
Mind you, I'm not trying to kink-shame or shame people who have sent sexy pics of themselves to others. But it's seeing him for who he is anymore...setting up multiple accounts specifically for cybersex as a cartoon pony from a kids show, lying to someone 12 years younger than him and sending her pics of *that*? It's just squicky.
SOOOO much better off without him.
So anyway, again, aside from the unemployment, things are going well here. I've been losing weight again, which is nice to see! Today I hit a new low (157.0) which I think is less than my lowest last year. And THAT wasn't maintainable. This time...I won't say the weight is coming off easily, but it's not the struggle it was.
Funny enough, I've also discovered fewer grey hairs at my temples than have been there in the past few years. I FEEL healthier and more confident than I have in AGES. Dare I say it...even YOUNGER.
I felt really good yesterday, so I took a pic before Jezi and I went to dinner. (We were going to go to dinner then the grocery store, but dinner was REALLY slow. I swear they only had 1 waiter working, but I will say all the eyecandy working other positions made up for it. >.>)
Just have to point out...my double-chin is going away! Seriously, I used to have to take pictures at certain angles with my head tilted up to have any hint of a jaw line. Looking down was RIGHT OUT. But now? YAY! And even though the angle/twist of my body isn't the most flattering, you know what? I don't care! I still like the pic!
We're heading to the grocery store now for more healthy yummy food, but I had to post a little something since I haven't updated in so long.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Things have been busy in the Firebudgie household. Most of the action has been in my head.
First of all, The Guy...
Finally got my stuff from the apartment. This came after a series of as-rude-as-he-can-be-while-claiming-to-be-
polite text messages to get my stuff on Friday, April 13. It started at 8:30 pm. After explaining that I couldn't get a U-Haul (the place I wanted to get one from didn't have any left) he said there were 2 available in the city: 1 would be available at like noon, and the other at 2.
Um, yeah, because I could really schedule one at 8:30 when the place was closed. BUT, he had told me that his mom, sister, and brother-in-law were coming down with the pickup and could help me move. Between their truck, my car, and Jezi's car, we could get my stuff. OH NO, BUT I WAS MAKING AN EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF IT. Whatever.
In any case, he finally pushed too hard. I told him that leaving his cheating @$$ was the best thing I ever did. He laughed in response. I came right upstairs, got on my computer, unfollowed him on Twitter, and blocked him. He then got on another account to see what I was saying. What I did and said? I quit the guild.
People asked what happened. I said I was done with him. He cheated on me, and I was done. Jezi did the same and was a little more candid with the details about him abandoning his guild, breaking freindships, how he affected her personally, and like 4 words to the point of how he abused me.
And people believed me/us because they had seen what an arrogant jerk he was being. Some other people also unfollowed him. He whined about how unfair it was that people unfollowed him without getting his side of the story.
The ironic part?
We got over there just after 10 am to start moving. He threw a temper tantrum, locked us out for TWO AND A HALF HOURS (we could hear him moving around inside) until his family showed up. His mom b!tched Jezi and me out for 10 minutes after he bellowed at Jezi that she was not welcome in his apartment (too late, sweetheart...she'd already helped me move some stuff and saw what a pigsty it was). His mom sent her home after scolding her about "gossiping" about him because she didn't know what REALLY happened. (As it got late they complained that they had to drive 3 hours back home. Well, thanks to them, we lost an extra set of arms to carry stuff, an extra car, and lost TWO AND A HALF HOURS of moving time. Of course, that was OUR fault somehow.)
This is the same mom who knew me in person for 10 years and didn't get MY side of the story either. Huh...he got mad about "strangers on the internet" unfollowing him for not getting his side of the story, but he managed to turn his family against me (they never got my side) and THAT'S okay. Seriously, he's told his cybersex buddies that his mom has said I'm a b!tch.
And how dare we "gossip" about him on the internet, while THAT DAY he was calling me "his crazy ex" and "a giant b!tch" to his cybersex friends. Oh, and apparently I "made him bisexual." Yeah. SEXUAL ORIENTATION DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY, MORON!
Hypocrisy, thy name is Jeff.
I've been trying to wean myself off reading his DMs. It's hard. I don't do it because I want to stalk him. And I don't get off on being angry. I hate being angry. I guess if anything, I want to see him show SOME remorse for what he's done. Instead he's lied. Said I've been out for "three months" and he "asked politely" for me to "please get your stuff because it's been a while and I'd just like my space back." Uh, yeah. First of all, at that point it was a total of 6 weeks (the 3 months mark will be on May 24)...the first week was a whirlwind of getting the house ready for Jezi to move in, the next was getting her settled, the next TWO were when her boyfriend (and Leo) visited, and we had two bouts of food poisoning...so total, I had 2 weeks of getting my stuff. Secondly, there was no "please." It was "get your stuff and give me my key back because I don't trust you with it." His mom treated me like a criminal about it too.
They broke some of my belongings, too. My glass rose, for instance, was in one piece earlier that day, and without me touching it, suddenly it was in 2 pieces after one of them moved it to be boxed up. No one stepped forward to even say, "I'm sorry, this broke, but it was an accident." Par for the course, really. If it was an accident, then it's not their fault, so why apologize?
And since then, he's been an arrogant prick.
Like calling me "crazy"... You know what? Yes, I was suffering depression, and guess what else? PTSD. YEAH, MY DEPRESSION STEMMED FROM THE DEATHS OF MY FATHER, MY GRANDFATHER, THE LOSS OF MY DREAM JOB, MY BROTHER, THE ESTATE HASSLES, SCHOOLWORK, AND YOU TREATING ME LIKE YOUR SUGAR MAMA! He seriously called my depression from all that "Bullsh!t" and I should "Just get over it!" Using the explanation that I was "such a downer" as an excuse to cheat on me while cybersexing *while pretending to be a cartoon pony* DURING RAID makes me question who was the REAL crazy person in the relationship.
As for weaning myself off of reading his messages, I'm working on it. But with Jezi's help, I came to realize something about reading his DMs actually brought me a LOT of peace: I used to blame myself for a lot of the problems in the relationship. But what everyone else knew and what I was too blind to see is that he has a classic case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. ( psychcentral.com/lib/2010/narcissist
Jezi introduced me to Band Back Together ( bandbacktogether.com/ ) and following several of the resources it became obvious that a lot of the toxicity in the relationship was NOT my fault. In fact, most of the medical articles often said that if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, GET OUT.
He's a grand manipulator and guilt-tripper. He'll never accept any blame for what he did. And he'll never accept that he has a problem. In his mind, he's perfect and can do no wrong. He has built up this "fantasy persona" around himself that HE believes is real, and he snaps when people see the TRUE him.
And the more I think about it, the more I realized how the signs were all around us. He would get FURIOUS to be "in second place" when he felt like he should be the best. And if he WAS "in second place," well, there was always some reason why he was cheated out of being the best. There's a conspiracy, or someone sabotaged him, or it was his "crazy ex's" fault (he said that about his previous ex when he dropped out of college...it wasn't, you know, his gaming habits then, either, but the fact that she dumped him that caused his grades to suffer). Heck, guildies saw it in game. He wasn't "the main tank, raid leader, and guild leader" but "THE BEST main tank, raid leader, and guild leader on the server." And if anything happened where he was displaced, or in his mind, "beaten" at something, he'd get angry and then abandon it. Like when he PvPed, he thought of himself as the best warrior on the server. When people beat him, he blamed it on his gear. When he got the best gear he could possibly have for PvP, well, it must be his class has been nerfed into the ground or his teammates aren't supporting him, or something else. But people I know who have played with him said, frankly, he's just not that good of a PvPer. So what did he do? Instead of watch videos and learn, he said "This is stupid!" and dropped it.
Same went for IRL.
I realized what REALLY happened when our relationship started going downhill, and how it came to a head last year.
I was getting in shape. I was losing weight and exercising. I was LOOKING GOOD and SUCCEEDING. Here I was...Miss Poster Child of Depression, and I was somehow digging up the strength and willpower to do things that he couldn't do. He was gaining weight at an alarming rate (I'm pretty sure he was around 350 lbs in that pic of us at Blizzard HQ) and knew he was ceasing to be attractive. But instead of bringing me down to his level by feeding me his fast food diet, I resisted. You could even say I fought back. He once even told me after I'd been making these practically-gourmet healthy meals for MONTHS (filet mignon, salmon, all kinds of other great recipes found here at SparkPeople) that he wanted Chick-Fil-A because he "wanted REAL food for a change." Okay. I got a salad, he got a large size combo AND an extra sandwich that he ate in one sitting.
So he couldn't blame me for his weight gain. In his mind, he WANTED to be able to say, "Oh, I know I put on weight, but I was bringing home fast food to make HER feel better." But he couldn't get away with that. He couldn't blame me. That bothered him. It also bothered him that I was succeeding in exercising. I was getting strong and shapely. He BELLOWED at me the few times he tried to exercise about how "it hurts, it's stupid, and people who LIKE exercise are stupid!" And while that would have normally made me feel bad, I kept doing it anyway and continued succeeding. In addition, I was making straight A's in school and getting a SECOND degree when he never finished his bachelor's.
So I SHOULD have been a total failure. The depression was affecting me in so many ways that I SHOULD have given up and been dependent on him. Instead, I made him feel like a fool because despite having debilitating depression, I was able to succeed in ways he couldn't. A narcissist can't take being shown-up like that, and it breaks his little brain when he can't lay the blame at my feet and has to face the reality that he's not perfect and people are better than him at things. Yes, even people with debilitating depression and can hardly even leave the house can be better than him at something.
This is pretty funny because one of the first things he did when I moved out was he bought a Bowflex. Well, thanks Jeff. You just upped my spirit of competition because there's NO WAY I'm letting a jerk who screamed insults at me until he was red in the face that "people who like exercise are stupid" to get in better shape than me. So I guess...thank you? I know, I know, people will say, "Get in shape for yourself, not for him," but success is the best revenge. I will take motivation in any form it will come in. On days I am looking for excuses to not do my scheduled workout, I tell myself he might have done his Bowflex workout that day and suddenly I am pumped to sweat and work as hard as I can (without pushing myself to injury) because he will NOT insult my world to my face and then be better at it than me!
So anyway, there I was getting into shape and looking good, and sure enough I had guys attracted to ME. Not my character, not some "fantasy portrayal of myself" online, but ME. They genuinely liked me as a person. And yes, I posted before-and-after pictures on my Wordpress blog to show my progression and was getting kudos (and a few "Keep going, sexy!" statements) from friends on Twitter and strangers who hit my blog.
Ow, his ego.
As far as guild and our common friends were concerned, other people were beginning to see past his veil and were turned off by his narcissism and arrogance. He sensed it, and began to avoid them too. I know for a fact he WAS writing the script for Cadi's "Safe Passage" comic on WoW Insider, but after he came up with excuses over the course of several months as to why his script was late, Cadi fired him. Oh, of course he blamed the breakup and how hard he had it, or that it was an emotional time, but truth be told, he once threw a temper tantrum in my presence about how he just didn't want to do it anymore, and avoided it until Cadi sent him (and me) persistant DMs saying she needed the script in order to get the page done on time. She had a long talk with him about it and gave him more chances than he deserved, and finally she got fed up and told him he missed too many deadlines.
That's how he is with anything that he doesn't want to deal with: buries his head in the sand until the problem goes away. Guildie has a problem and wants to talk it over with him? He avoids logging on and ignores their emails and messages until they get fed up and leave. My situation? He told me to come to him when I wanted to talk, walked away hoping my depression would resolve itself, and when it didn't, he treated me like crap until I left him. Safe Passage? Avoided doing it until Cadi fired him. See, then it wasn't *his* fault. It was the guildie's fault for leaving without ACTUALLY talking to him, or MY fault for not making my depression (and PTSD!) disappear, MY fault for leaving him, and Cadi's fault for firing him when he just "didn't have a muse."
In the meantime, he found that his new circle of people believed this fantasy version of himself, and he invested all his time in that. Seriously. He stays up all night, every night, roleplaying, goes to work, comes home, sleeps, gets up around 10 pm, then roleplays all night. In his RP circle, he was telling people how he was 6'3", blond haired, blue-eyed, broad-shouldered, and built like a football player. That conjures up a mental image of an athletic guy, but he's far from it. He had a new set of people who could listen to his stories of how AWESOME he made himself out to be. And he lied to them about why I broke up with him to get pity. *I* was the crazy one. *I* was the b!tch. *I* was the one who took him for granted. *I* was too much of a "downer" and never happy enough for him. *I* withheld affection. *I* was the bad person. Translation: "I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am! (Pity me for being picked on!)"
As I said, I finally was able to take several steps back and see him for who he really is and what he does to people. Most of the time, it was fascinating. I learned a lot about what was wrong in our relationship. Like how one time a friend of my dad's gave me a compliment that I was a strong person and could succeed at anything I wanted without anyone's help if I put my mind to it. Jeff got MAD and took it as a personal insult that "So she was saying you don't need me!" Um, no...she was complimenting ME and it had NOTHING TO DO with him. /facepalm
It always had to be about him. EVERYTHING was about him. I was just a pretty little accessory to hang on his arm and make him look good. He stole my stories and information and things I taught him and told those things to other people, taking credit for them. He wanted me there waiting like a loyal dog for when I could make him look special, and at all other times he could care less. It explains why he began talking AT me rather than holding conversations WITH me, and getting angry when I didn't fully agree with him even on benign points. When I DID try to talk about my day, he'd interrupt with something about himself, or interrupt to go to the bathroom and just...not come back to pick up the conversation. Whatever I was talking about wasn't about him, so he wasn't interested.
I'm still angry. I will be for a while, and I know that. I'm angry at him for wasting 10 years of my life. My mom died when she was 51, my dad when he was 63. I'm going to be 34 in June. I'm TERRIFIED of how much or how little time I may have left. I'm not married, and don't have kids. I WANT to get married and have kids, but I'm also terrified of leaving them without a mother before they even graduate high school.
I'm angry at him for playing the "No one on Twitter got my side of the story!" card while he poisoned his family--people I felt closest to to call them family of my own--against me by doing the EXACT SAME THING. I HAVE NO FAMILY. They called me part of their family for so long, and suddenly I've been kicked out without a chance to make myself heard.
I'm angry at his mom for treating me like a criminal and not listening to me because she already had her mind made up without hearing me out. I'm angry at her for calling me a b!tch when I am justified in FINALLY standing up for myself against a guy who used me as his meal ticket while cheating on me. I know, I know...it's her little boy, her perfect golden child, so OF COURSE she's going to side with him. But the hypocrisy pisses me off.
Then again, there's that saying that if you have enemies/haters, then you're doing something right because it means you have stood up for yourself or for something.
I am trying to push past all this. Again, I'm weaning myself off of checking on what he says. I know what he's saying now. He's not going to change. He's not going to feel any remorse. In his mind, he's perfect and a martyr. I'm better off without him. I do put that anger toward constructive endeavors. Like dieting and working out again, or cleaning my house from the dump of stuff from the apartment move-out. I channel it into a sense of, "They'll never see it, but I'll do it anyway as if to show them!" And then I feel proud of MY accomplishments because I am seeing that I'm succeeding ON MY OWN WITHOUT HIS HELP and being able to realize how he actually hindered me so much through his emotional abuse. (Let's face it, it WAS emotional abuse.)
What else am I doing?
Going to use the lyrics to "Girlfriend" by Pebbles here... (although not in order)
or not to believe,
That is the question.
It just takes a street degree.
You've lied your last lie
and I've cried my last cry.
I'm out the door, baby!
There's other fish in the sea!"
Yeah. I'm moving on. There are better things and better people, and when I log into WoW I'm finding myself INUNDATED with tells from (former--since I technically /gquit, but I still consider them my online family) guildies who just want to say hi and chatter about *not much* really, because they want to talk to *me*. They talked with me a bit before the breakup and before he pushed away everyone else, but I don't think many of them really knew me because I was always in his shadow. Now it's like I can't have a quiet night to myself. This is good and bad, because there are days I'd like to be able to actually DO things instead of having to stop every 5 seconds to reply to people! XD But they want to talk to ME!
How could you let him treat you so bad? Oh....
You know you were the best he ever had. Oh oh-oh-oh-oh."
I know this whole ordeal has left me with some significant emotional baggage. But I'm realizing that I AM WORTH MORE AND BETTER THAN HE EVER GAVE ME.
After YEARS of Jeff criticizing my friendly, flirty personality (hey, *I* knew where boundaries were and kept everything out in the open so he could see it was on the up-and-up) to the point where he isolated me from pretty much everyone, it's shocking to see that people HAVE noticed me enough to care...and even want to get to know me better. I knew a couple of guildies had crushes on me, but have been surprised at some of the ones who have been flirting heavily lately. It's fun to flirt back a little, but doing so in a way to not lead them on. I still have boundaries.
"No need to signify
'Cause he's not worth your time
You need to find someone that's TRUE TO YOU."
Because there's one who has stood out above all others, been there for me when times were bad, and now I'm repaying the favor by supporting him.
"Girl. You need a trip.
'Cause he's not worth the misery and pain."
I'm planning to visit Leo a month from now. I've visited him before, and he visited here for his Spring Break, but I'm going to take a longer vacation to see him this time. AND HOPEFULLY NO FOOD POISONING THIS TIME, EITHER! Leo has been my Best Male Friend, my support, my coach, my cheerleader, and my #1 fan. I believe I've said this before, but despite a definite attraction, we respected the boundaries of my relationship with Jeff, and my breakup had nothing to do with wanting to get involved with Leo, but everything to do with the failures between me and Jeff. But I'm excited. It feels AMAZING to be in the presence of someone who truly cares about the best for me, whether or not he gets anything out of it. And you know what? I can't wait to see where it goes between us NOW THAT I'M FREE.
Also? He's a TOTAL HOTTIE! (Seriously, I'm moving on from the guy in this picture: photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/5/0/l50
0660947.jpg to potential "more than friends" with the guy on the far right in this picture: photos-ak.sparkpeople.com/nw/8/7/l87
1303572.jpg . I'd say that's a step up! Leo always made me smile just thinking about him as a friend...as more than that, thinking about him makes my toes curl in that GOOD way!)
"(Don't let him put ya down)
(Girl, he's been messin' around)
How could you let him
(You've been used, abused,
So baby make ya move)
Treat you so bad, oh
(You've learned your lesson now)
(So turn this hurt around)
You know you were
(Don't be no fool)
The best he ever had
Oh oh oh-oh-oh
(Got to bust loose)"
I describe the past few years of being like living in a tiny, messy, oppressive cage. I know the door was unlocked. I just had to open it. But what was outside of that cage was SCARY. It was "safer" to be in the discomfort of the cage (as messy and painful as it was) than face the unknown where who knew what kind of dangers could lurk. But I learned that lesson. This is me busting loose. No longer hiding his skeletons in my closet. No longer accepting the guilt and the blame. I live with my mistakes. I'm NOT going to live with his.
There's still a lot to get over, but I WILL get over it. As for the hypocritical name-calling and bashing he's doing "behind my back" (since he doesn't think I know), well, my friend Poe turned it around. He said he's happy to call me his favorite "crazy b!tch!" and turned it into a compliment.
Now excuse me, I have some healthy meals to eat and a workout to do because I'm gonna be FABULOUS on the inside AND out!
Friday, March 30, 2012
I've had my iPod Nano (6th gen) for HOW long now, and never used the Nike+/pedometer functionality before WHY?!
I love statistics stuff! It's why I love my heart rate monitor (the watch is still at the apartment, but I need to get new batteries anyway) and tracking my info keeps me motivated because it gives me "personal bests" to work toward.
So yeah, I've started walking again lately, and discovered that my Nano is BEST THING EVAR...and I'm so excited about it that Jezi (bestie and new roomie) wants to get one now too.
I want to work my way up to C25K, but needed to make sure I could walk the 3 miles/5K before I started the program. And the Nano has helped me figure out some trails I can use to do so. But I've also discovered that I really need to work on my core/lower back strength again, as well as flexibility in my hips to be really comfortable in doing all this. But I WILL do it! Leo and I made a pact that we're going to get back in shape! I think I'll start up 100/200/200 again on Monday to get my body back into a good starter shape before I move onto my other strength training programs.
More statistics from today:
Weather: Partly Cloudy, ~74 degrees
Miles walked: 3.26 mi. (For some reason, the Nike+ site is saying less, even though this is exactly what I have on my Nano itself. Not sure why the uploading is shortchanging me some distance.)
Distance from my house to my old apartment via trails: Just over 1.5 miles
Wild animals seen: LOTS of birds, squirrels, and even one brave bunny
Dogs seen: Several, including one that looks like Jezi's Bentley
Shared smiles with random strangers: Lost count! People are so friendly!
Number of "Three Wolf Moon" shirts spotted: 1, on a bicyclist
Number of kids seen: 8, including one that was SO cute it made my ovaries hurt and my uterus want to reject my IUD. OMG I WANTED ONE! *cough*
In relationship news, The Guy is still a total chode. He's being a jackhole to his other friends, too, and pretty sure he's demonized me to his family. The majority of the guild is PISSED at him, but no one wants to be the one to speak up because he tends to publicly berate people who get mad at him and leave, while he's always claiming victimhood. I'm seriously considering /gquitting, but I don't have a place to go yet that has the same goals I do. (I want to raid hard modes for a change. =/)
I'm also sure he (intentionally or unintentionally, I can't be certain, but knowing him it was intentional) threw out my bill for my new HH Gregg credit card (which I had been waiting for to set up my online payments), so I started receiving "reminder to pay your bill courtesy calls" today which wouldn't bug me if they didn't call me 6 times in one day. So I tried setting up the account anyway, but hey guess what? Their "Consumer Center" website is down! FAWK!
But anyway, he's pretty much going further and further down that rabbit hole of his, and it's making me glad he didn't take me with him. Financial issues are tough, but better that than to be stuck with him anymore.
All is not unfortunate and lonely in the relationship department, though. A male friend/guildie "warned" me that once the breakup was made public that there would be a few guildies who would be interested in pursuing a relationship. While that friend was avoiding mentioning himself, I knew he's interested, too. XD (Poor Poe. I love him dearly, but he reminds me of my best friend from high school whom I tried to date a few times but it just didn't work. Great chemistry as friends--even "friends with benefits"--but just not relationship compatability.) But even he admitted that Leo would be the best guy for me. We're already close friends, he's helped me through my depression and been my coach/cheerleader/motivator, and I've helped him through tough times as well. I know Leo's always been interested in me, but he's also been respectful of relationship boundaries, and made sure that he had NOTHING to do with the breakup. (In other words, I didn't sabotage my relationship or break up with The Guy so I could be with Leo...the relationship failed because it wasn't working out between us. Leo didn't try to push/convince me into breaking up just so he could pick me up afterward, either, even though he was my male emotional support during it. He really is the type who just wants me to be happy.) Leo is the one who reminded me that there is such a thing as unconditional love from another person.
You know what? I'm single now. I can persue whomever I feel like. The Guy threw me away with his own two hands. The hardest part of having a steady, solid relationship with Leo right now is distance. But he's still in school and I'm getting myself back together, so when he finishes his degree we will figure out where to go from there. At least we can visit each other, and have done so already.
I know Leo and I have chemistry. I know he likes me. We already make an amazing team and compliment each other well. So yeah. It's been a month since I moved out. Heck, technically it's been since October when the break up (despite The Guy saying he wanted to stay together, his actions say otherwise--we were broken up, and his "let's stay together" was lip service to keep me chained to him in hope that things actually COULD work out so he wouldn't lose his sugar mama). I'm free to flirt and go on dates and see if something develops. The Guy can have his Twitter relationships. I'm interested in relationships with real people who actually care about more than cybersex. Because the REAL THING is SO much better!
Also? Leo is a TOTAL HOTTIE. Leaves me weak in the knees and heart goes *pitter-patter* and all that. And HE is interested in ME?! How could I have gotten so lucky?! (Seriously, it's like upgrading from a rusted Honda Civic to a Lotus. LEO. IS. HOT!) Well, hey...we've already said we're going to get back in shape and motivate each other to do so. Wouldn't that just be the exclamation point to go to Blizzcon 2013 where Leo's all buff and I'm slimmed down and hot and we're both cosplaying our Blood Elf characters...and then we see The Guy who hasn't changed at all (because change is HARD WORK, y'all, and he doesn't like working if he can get out of it!)? THAT would be the BEST revenge.
Okay, actually the BEST revenge is sending out wedding invitations, and later, birth announcements...but I'm gonna focus on the attainable now:
~Getting back on my feet - Check. (Just need a job. Sending out applications already.)
~Finally getting over The Guy - Check. (Not entirely there, but much better now.)
~Getting back into shape - Already started walking, but getting ON PLAN starting April 1. This weekend is about getting rid of the junk food in the house.
~Pursuing a much healthier relationship - Check. (Leo and I are already talking about how we can work things out.)
So that's emotional health, mental health, financial health, and physical health that I'm working on now. The uphill battle is nowhere near as steep as it was a year ago!
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