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We are finding who we are

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Isn't that what this trip is about, anyway? Figuring out who and what we are, where we belong, physically, mentally? Yeah, I'm stumbling and bumbling now, but eventually I'll be rumbling, just a matter of fine tuning the engine of my life, finding the right fuel.

In the meantime, I suppose I'll just keep heading to the gym, eating more or less decently, trying to keep the physical side, which I do feel like I have some semblance of control over these days, in check. Today's trip to the gym was for volleyball, and accordingly, my forearms are sore tonight. Didn't wog, haven't done any of that since Tuesday, but perhaps tomorrow. Looking at the descriptions of C25K programs, they seem to feature intervals of running and walking, with increasing stretches of running. Other than the one occasion I went 9 laps (3/4th mile), I haven't run more than 6 laps in a row, so it's possible that I've only done a continuous 5 minutes on that one occasion. I think I'll try that, whenever the next time is.

For the record, the blog title is courtesy of the band King's X, it's a song from the "Faith Hope Love" album.

If you're not already familiar with this band, you owe yourself the favor of checking them out. A few links are below. As tough as it was to choose which ones to share, I just spent the last two hours listening to King's X and watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Pretty solid evening, I'd say.

From their softer side, the gorgeous "Goldilox":

"The Difference": www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bxF3

On their rocking edge, "Over My Head", Went with sharing the fun official vid of the song, but if you like it, definitely check out a live version or two.

"Pray": www.youtube.com/watch?v=mg3mU

"It's Love" - ultra cheesy video, but in my book, it's between this and "Out of the Silent Planet" for the quintessential KX song, the best merger of their various facets

My two faves of theirs hail from the introspective end of the spectrum, with the tortured "Cigarettes" standing alongside the psychedelic "A Box" atop my rankings:


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLPURNELL 2/19/2013 4:41PM

    Nice band!

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MARTY728 2/19/2013 12:11PM


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I look at my reflection and I see an enemy

Friday, February 15, 2013

I’m sick of myself. For a whole host of reasons that I typed out and then erased because I don’t feel like sharing (yes, an inability to ask for help is on that list).

The job thing, that probably plays a huge role in why this is bubbling out now. Third time mentioning it in a blog this week. You know, I’m looking back over those blogs and it feels like I put something up every day, and not just a pic or a single link or one line, at least a few thoughts strung together, and I manage to never say anything useful.

This, despite striking out 90% of what I’ve typed, despite how redundantly pissed off I got while typing it out…this was almost useful. Almost. But not quite.

First three songs below illustrate and fit the thoughts described above. In the process of listening through them when I jumped onto youtube to get the links, the wretched mood of the day started dissipating.

Songs 4-7 don’t necessarily fit the theme of this blog, they’re just dark, aggressive tracks that I like, that it occurred to me to listen to while re-editing this. They’re not wrong when they say listening to music you enjoy can help alleviate bad moods. Doesn’t really alter the underlying dissatisfaction with who I am, what I am, where I am. But for the moment, at least, I feel more like curling the dumbbell I see on the floor rather than kicking it. And that’s a good thing, because I don’t think my toes would win the fight with 20 pounds of iron.

Clawfinger, “I love to hate myself”(title lyric is from this track) www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3DLK

Clawfinger, “Sick of Myself” www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xrptv

Pantera, “War Nerve”, www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2wge

Meshuggah, “Autonomy lost/imprint of the unsaved/disenchantment” www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXoLL

Nevermore, “Engines of Hate” www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMYwP

Emperor, “I am the Black Wizards” www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgQRR

Entombed “Left hand Path” www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6exw

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASEYTALK 2/20/2013 10:11AM

    Life will quite happily bash you all the time. The things we say to ourselves we would NEVER put up with if someone else said them, or if someone said them to a friend of ours.

I used to beat up on myself, too, but it never did any good.

What DID do some good was to look at that person in the mirror and say, "right now, this moment, I will do something good for my health or life." You can't change the past and the future isn't here, but right now, this moment, what can you do to improve your health or life?



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1CRAZYDOG 2/20/2013 9:55AM

    BTDT too. Gotta edit out those negative self-bashing thoughts, though, like splicing a bad "B" movie.

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MARTY728 2/19/2013 12:13PM

    Most of us have "Been there, done that"! emoticon emoticon

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ADARKARA 2/16/2013 7:55AM

    A few years back I was jobless, and so was my husband. It royally sucked, we started to strongly dislike each other and also ourselves. As Americans (I'm making an assumption here) we tend to wrap ourselves up in our jobs. We're not important unless we're working our best at a great job. And it hurts when we can't show the world how awesome we are. I was unemployed for 10 months and my husband was over a year (part of this he was not legally able to work as an immigrant but that doesn't change the emotional aspect of it). All I can say is keep yourself as active as possible, keep looking and hopefully sometime soon something will fall in your lap and you'll love it. =)

About the traveling work - remember, it's always easier to find jobs if you already have one. emoticon

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CAMAEL100 2/16/2013 5:37AM

    It is strange hearing that from a man! What is perfection anyway? Don't try to attain the perfect body, unless you are good at airbrushing. The rest of us have flaws, many of them, but also good parts.

Job satisfaction is tied to our confidence as well and mine also at the moment stinks, totally lacking in direction or even much work. People tell me I am lucky my job is quiet and not stressful. I usually just say - 'be careful what you wish for'!

try not to be too hard on yourself -easier said than done I know!!

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2BDYNAMIC 2/16/2013 12:44AM

    Ok ............... Once again, I have to throw my 2 Cents in ............... First ......... You are never alone (w/ self criticism) however, they are found to be self destructive ....
Now I will share ......... (& I try to stay positive) but you have caught me in a really HONEST vulnerable moment ................... Just today, I get on a decent outfit to go do some stuff ................... What do I say to myself when I catch myself in a bathroom full length mirror? ................... I quote ................
"Either that top is just too small or you are TOO pudgy in the middle--STILL!!!"
Then I caught that nasty critical person who raises up within and said: emoticon ..............
Then I made myself look a moment longer and then the nicer person within said:
NOW LOOK at how good your legs are and the curves!!!" ................
We really have to be kind to ourselves, cos our good spark buddies can't follow us around saying, 'Hey--Look at far you have come and it is NOT over .......... so give yourself a break ............... We are all pressing ahead daily ......... (or lets' say often) ................... emoticon
LAST .............. The other night I had been listening to a Bob Marley CD .......... "Please don't call me OLD cause he remains a legend and all ages still love him) ..................... Geez--I can sure go off sometimes!! lol
ANYWAY, I could not get one of his "Love each other and we'll be alright" songs out of my head so I put on James Blunt while I read blogs and before I knew it, I was feeling melancholy and really crappy!!! ....................
No Question about it ................... What we listen to .......... sound and lyrics feeds our soul and we find ourselves feeling just what the music INTENDED to do ..........
So maybe try '...........' changing your tune' ................ (no pun intended) and see if your feeling improves? .................. Just sayin ................... Not tryin to lecture ............ emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/16/2013 12:46:58 AM

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CLPURNELL 2/15/2013 9:43PM

    We all feel the way you are. i know I have felt that way more than I care to admit over the course of my life. Once you figure out who you are and that isn't tied to obligatory title or job description. i tell you it will be life changing!You will get there soon!

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Catch the VD fever!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

No, I’m not bitter. That’s only been the case once, really, even though I’ve been unattached far more than not on Valentine’s Day, a celebration of a guy getting lynched and beheaded. Okay, maybe twice on the bitterness front. One year I got dumped just three weeks prior, so that one was a given, and the year after, there was residual angst. Anyway, I get to spend a cheap day doing nothing while other guys lay out a pretty penny on flowers (with prices jacked up 2 or 3 times) and candy and various other sundries.

I’m always amused by the tales of huge workouts and careful eating resulting in weight gains, as contrasted to laissez faire food choices and minimal exercise leading to losses. I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there, at one point or another. I’d like to think it all evens out in the end, leaving the real scale movement to the combinations that make sense (ie better food and exercise equals losses, and, I suppose, vice versa).

Today’s a “I just don’t wanna” day, in terms of exercise, or getting to the gym. Still have 4-5 hours to remedy that before the gym closes, see if I can roust myself. If I need an excuse, I’ll point to my right eye. I poked myself in it yesterday, and while no damage was incurred upon the eyeball itself, I somehow managed to scratch the outside of the eyelid in three spots. One of those, “You don’t realize how often you touch your face until you cause (very minor) injury to one of the spots that gets hit over and over and over again” incidents.

Going to the favorites well with music today, the last couple hours spent listening to Rush. Thought I’d share an instrumental with you folks, “La Villa Strangiato”. It’s subtitled “An Exercise in Self-Indulgence”, which might cause eye rolls amongst non fans who already view these Canadians’ work as self-indulgent. To which I have a 6 word rejoinder: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And that might be the last time you see me reference that institution positively. Although, if I ever make it down to Cleveland to check it out, I reserve the right to repeat that statement.

Last thought, it was 9 years and 1 day ago, 2/13/04, that I went skiing for the first and only time in my life. I bring this up because a couple of years ago, I found a receipt from that day, as well as liability waiver I’d signed, on which I listed my weight as 165 lbs. That’s my goal for the end of the year. Ten years after that day, 2/13/2014, I want to weigh the same as I did on 2/13/2004. Or less. I guess I wouldn’t mind that, either.

And now I’m having flashbacks to the year 2000, during physical therapy after ACL surgery, when I hopped on a scale with my withered leg, and it showed 158 lbs, and the nurse expressed surprise, saying she never would have guessed I weighed that much just looking at me. The whole skinny fatness thing, pounds hidden in the trunk while the arms/legs/face looked ok. Years later, the face, at least, had caught up with the reality, leading, in part, to my popping in here.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLPURNELL 2/15/2013 9:38PM

    hey only two spiteful VD's? That must be a world record!

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2BDYNAMIC 2/15/2013 11:21AM

    I felt for you with the poke in the eye ................ (or multi scratches) ......... My little nephew (whe two) poked me in the eye and lacerated my cornea ........ and I had to be driven all the way home (250 miles) ........... in which I held a cloth over my eye that was screaming in pain!! Went to the ER once home and the Dr. had me stay IN BED the following day in total dark and eye patched ............... Miserable pain ............ and I know .......... sometimes Valentines day can be painful ................... so know ........... we love ya here and enjoy your blogs and posts! ....... You rock!! 2B emoticon

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BOPPY_ 2/14/2013 8:54PM

    My goal is 180. I started at 306, 88 weeks ago. I weighed 199.8 this AM, up 1.8 lbs from yesterday AM.

Yesterday ,I was well-under my calories and I worked out. Today I was over and worked out less. As they say, ''stuff' happens'.

When I reach 180, I will have achieved a weight, I have not seen since college, when I was a wrestler at 165 lbs. I've been married for 42 years, and my wife has never seen me at anything under 195.

My point? It's doable by you. And, you don't have to buy all the Pollyanna dogma and propaganda. You do have do be consistent, and exercise at least a little every day.


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KING_SLAYER 2/14/2013 6:06PM

    Everyone should enjoy VD once a year! I, like you, have only been skiing once in my life (downhill anyway). It was in 1989 and I did it in a blizzard! I had no idea that it was a blizzard mind you (California blizzard by the way, not full blown, people dying blizzard) because I had never been up in the mountains when it was snowing! I was at one of the most popular ski resorts in Nor Cal, Dodge Ridge (which is low elevation also) and there were only about 15 people on the slopes. There were about 1,500 in the lodge staying warm and out of the weather!

The take away from that day? Skiing sucks and so does snow!

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MARTY728 2/14/2013 5:11PM

    VD Fever.... emoticon

I am guessing that your year 2000 flashbacks prove you are dense or high density individual. emoticon

I enjoyed this blogs and the others of yours that I have read. You are good!

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I'd never make it on Jersey Shore

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Gym, tan, laundry, that's one of that show's enduring mottos. Only managed to do one of the three today, the laundry part. Didn't go to the gym, a somewhat planned omission; after all, I'd been there the previous 4 days. Bigger reason, I was sore after playing ultimate and pickleball on Tuesday. As for the tan part...glance over at my user pic, and you might understand why it's rather optional in my case.

After musing just yesterday about what getting a job might mean for gym visits, I spent a large part of today contemplating applying for employment that might mean travelling 4-5 days a week, and living out of hotels more often than sleeping in my own bed. Don't really know how good a candidate I'd be for that sort of thing, but between the compensation, and the continued unemployment, it's definitely an option. That said, it's an option fraught with challenges, as far as healthful activities and eating.

Definitely something to consider.

For the record, the scale read 175.8 this morning. I wouldn't ordinarily record it on Spark after a single reading at a new level, but since it's weigh in day for the BLC 21 thing, I entered it in the system. Realized then that I'd forgotten to put in the 178 from last week (that represented a gain of a pound from the previous week, but probably had to do as much with the fact that I failed to weigh in at the same time of day as I usually do as with the super bowl pizza splurge of the preceding weekend). As with all one day readings, haven't a clue if it's real. Didn't do myself any favors with the grocery trip I did this evening, wherein a few snackages made their way into my cart. But I will enjoy noshing on them. Did you know that with reduced fat Cheez-its, you get a whopping two more crackers per serving (29 vs 27!), with a 20 calorie deficit as compared to real Cheez-its? Sadly, they squander that advantage, and more, by just not tasting near enough to the real thing.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1DERLAND14 2/14/2013 7:57PM

    Hilarious!!! :-) Great job on working on the previous 4 days! WOO HOO!

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CLPURNELL 2/14/2013 7:22PM


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MARTY728 2/14/2013 11:05AM

    You would be the star. I know and am related to a number of Guidos and you wit would have them in mental knots.

Concerning work and travel. I have always done my best when I was in positions that required travel. Most hotels have small gyms that few use and when eating out, I can always order healthy meals. It makes it simple for me.

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GARDENCHRIS 2/14/2013 6:55AM

    you'd probably be the star! dropping sarcastic bombs all over the place you'd have snookie in tears!

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Lost Reflection

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

One of the things keeping me on track is the realization that losing weight is just a first step. The second, and more important step, one that is supposed to last for the rest of the life, is locking in the habits needed to keep the weight off. Not at all sure that’s occurred yet.
I’ve actually gotten in the habit of going to the gym regularly, driven first by the quest for the ugly t-shirt over the late October-mid December time frame, and then continuing after I got to Michigan. But I wonder if this is a habit that will survive either a) finding a fricking job, or b) summer months and outdoor activities.

The first factor is important because right now, I go to the gym as both a primary source of entertainment (cheap, or at least paid for up front, source of fun), as well as something to do other than scour the 21st century version of help wanted ads. The gaining of employment, while unreservedly a VERY GOOD THING, will cut into the going to the gym impulse. It will also limit when I can wander in there, thus limiting what activities I can participate in, and thus messing with the “fun” aspect of the gym thing.

The latter is something that I see every year, no matter if I’d gotten into a rudimentary habit of wandering to the gym during the winter, or not. When summer comes, and softballs and Frisbees are flying, I never went to the gym. That was mostly true even last summer, even after starting sparking. Other than a few times where I forced myself to go, the summer has been a barren times for gym visits over the years when I’ve held a membership during that time (since 2008, basically).

Right now, I’m taking advantage of the available time, and going often, at a clip surprising to myself, really. Part of it is the availability of activities that just weren’t there at my previous gym, primarily pickleball, but lately, that running track, too. After the two mile wog last night, I went back this morning at 7 AM to play ultimate with the high school team that practices there on Tuesday mornings. One of the warmup drills is running 6-8 laps throwing Frisbees all the way, and my goal is to survive that by the time they stop doing their morning sessions in a few weeks. Because the two times I’ve joined them, I had to stop before I got through that warm up. At the end of the session, the coach sends his players up to the track for a 20 lap run. I’ve stayed below to play the game both weeks, but this morning, after the kids had left, I went on the track and went another two miles , half running, half walking, in 28:06 today.

It’s a thing, I guess. But I wonder if it’s a thing that can survive the inevitable coming of summer, and of the employment thing, whenever that finally comes to pass.

Blog title from the Crimson Glory song, "Lost Reflection". Chosen not because I'm locked in any attic, but because when I thought of a title for this particular bit of reflection, that's what came to mind.


wog detail: W2 R2 W2 R2 W2 R2 W3 R4 W3 R2, time 28:06, Mile 1 in 13:49, mile 2 in 14:17. Yeah, I can be obsessive about details like that. But I’m primarily keeping track for posterity, just in case it sticks, so I can look back some day and laugh at these initial shambling shuffles. Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KING_SLAYER 2/12/2013 8:34PM

    Just become an insomniac and go to the gym late at night (assuming you will find a daytime job). Or practice the art of sleeping for only 2 hours at a time, a few times a day, either way, you will be able to work and enjoy lots of gym time!

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CLPURNELL 2/12/2013 7:46PM

    As long as you are active in the summer I don't think not being in the gym as much is such a big negative. As long as your diet is ok and you are being active you should be fine!

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ATTACKFATCAT 2/12/2013 1:55PM

    I will likely use the gym less during the summer as well. But I just shift my activity to outdoor stuff like hiking and walking. It's hard to do when you are trying to establish a routine, but it's actually good for your body because that constant shift will keep it guessing. If you keep doing the same activity, your body is eventually going to get used to it and you won't have to work as hard. So definitely get out and enjoy the sunshine!

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MARTY728 2/12/2013 11:09AM

    I enjoyed your blog. Wogging a 14 minute mile is good. A University track coach told me that when you hit 12 minutes a mile you are jogging and 10 minutes a mile and under is running.


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WHOVIANGIRL23 2/12/2013 10:29AM

    I should start wogging..

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BIGDOG18 2/12/2013 9:54AM


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