Friday, January 25, 2013
A BLC teammate wondered aloud about losing some weight and then going into a self-sabotage phase, and as that's more or less been my story since jumping onto sparkpeople, I rambled on a bit about it.
I absolutely identify with her tale, because I've repeatedly gone through cycles of being good, and then coasting, or even going the wrong way for a bit. When I posted about the 2.4 lb loss the scale reported for the first week of the BLC (artifact, I'm sure...find out next week, I guess), I referred to it as "dancing", a pattern of 1 step forward, and a half step back that has characterized my whole SP trip.
In late September of 2011, I started at 205, and I dropped around 10 pounds between then and late November 2011. Then came Thanksgiving, and another weekend where I took a trip down to Chicago with friends (yearly tradition that had to be obeyed), and half that weight returned. I was down to 185 at the end of April 2012, but then came Craft Beer Week, and a trip home for my nephew's 1st birthday (huge party), and my own birthday (a couple nights out), and I gained back 7 pounds in May. You know, you could say I only lost 5 pounds from May 1 to January 16. But you could also just as accurately say I lost 12 pounds from June 1 to January 16. While other rebounds haven't been as dramatic, I have spent a lot of time re-losing the same weight that I'd already dumped once, and then got back together with. As with serial relationships, better to just get it over with!
With me, part of the relaxation phase is a sense that, "yay, I've accomplished something, let's celebrate!" Except the celebration isn't limited to just a day. Circumstances surely play a part, as with the multiple events in the month of May, but there's something more there. On occasion, I've realized that, yes, I'm sabotaging (half of) the good work that I've put in, but I really didn't care at the moment. Some of that, perversely, came from a new-found confidence, knowing that I now knew how to lose weight, in a way I hadn't put together before joining sparkpeople. Another piece is probably some latent yearning for the don't give a crap "food-lifestyle" I used to lead. It's just so much easier than paying attention to the details, y'know?
Look around this site, and obviously, I'm not alone in this bad habit of temporarily relapsing into the bad habits that brought us here in the first place. I'm of the opinion that everybody has different "relaxation phase" triggers, and it's absolutely worth putting in a little time to try and figure those out. After all, we joined up with the intent to turn things around, and having had some level of success, it (hello captain obvious!) doesn't make sense to go back to the old ways. And yet, we do just that, enough to moot a not insignificant portion of our good efforts.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Iím one of those people who are slow to appreciate differences in others who have lost weight, sometimes saying nothing lest I insult someone who hasnít actually lost weight. That tendency extends to my own self, in terms of not feeling like there was all that much difference in how I look from when I started this trip (September 2011) and now. I mean, I *know* there's a difference, between the scale telling me that 25 lbs have flown the coop, and the tape measure proclaiming a difference just since July (didn't measure at the outset, unfortunately), but...
I look at these two pics (the before is from October 2011, and the Now was something I posted last week) and, to me, there isnít all that much difference. I mean, sure, I could claim the face is slightly less roundish, but it's not something I'd comment on if I perceived that degree of difference in someone else.
I'm not entirely sure what to think about it. After all, I can pull pics from various points along that timeline to prove pretty much whatever I want; witness the profile pic I'm using now, which certainly caught me at a good angle. Bottom line, there's still a way to go in this rather open-ended journey. I hate to use the BMI healthy range (top end is still ~25 lbs away) as any sort of actual goalpost, but it may end up as just that. We shall see.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
I canít recall the last time I had caffeine.
I had a 12 pack of Coke Zero that ran out at some point before January 9th. I know this, because I went into a grocery store looking for a particular grapefruit package that was on a good sale, along with a few other things, and recall specifically deciding to not grab a replacement case. As they didnít have the grapefruit, I took a shot at the customer service counter, and they were kind enough to provide a rain check for the discounted price, and it is dated 1/9/13. I did go to my brotherís house the weekend after, and at the end of the visit, I had him check the fridge to see if he had any cans of Diet Dr. Pepper left. He did not, so, I drove home with the music turned up loud to stay awake (not that with my insomnia and night owl-y-ness, Iíd have any problems staying awake at 11 pm). After that, the past week and change? No soda pop. Iíve turned down any offers of tea or coffee.
For me, the interesting part is that I didnít plan on it at all. This was not an effort to cut down on pop, no try at reducing caffeine to see if itís playing a role in the insomnia. Itís just happened, because there doesnít happen to be any pop in the place, and I havenít ventured out to a grocery store in a couple of weeks, and I havenít gone inside a gas station even when I filled up the tank. And the weird thing is that I havenít noticed until now.
This is very strange, because last spring, I did explicitly try to quit drinking pop, to cut myself off caffeine. Part of it was a perverse, letís see if I can do this! challenge, and partly it was an effort to see if my wrecked sleep patterns could be tamed if I just reduced the caffeine in my diet. That experiment did not last long, as I spent a few days with a constant ibuprofen resistant low level headache. Eventually, I imbibed a caffeinated pop, and the headaches abated, and the experiment was abandoned with no further trials.
Itís an oxymoron, then, or perhaps a paradox if I want to be linguistically correct, that this non-attempt is succeeding, where actually trying to reduce/quit caffeine had such disastrous results. As the insomnia hasnít abated, Iím willing to declare that caffeine isnít the culprit. Have to get to the grocery store soon, and maybe Iíll grab some pop, maybe I wonít. Iíve proven, without trying, that I can exist without caffeine for a couple of week, for whatever thatís worth.
Title courtesy of echolyn, from the song "Mr. Oxy Moron", as seen from apprx 5:00 - 12:00 on this youtube video.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
How can it be not what it is, when being is in itself?
Gibberish? Exactly. Spockís Beard, to be precise
Interview today wentÖactually, I have no idea. Decent enough, I suppose. Guess Iíll find out next week, see if I made the first cut and get to go back to see the lab boss. Spent a couple of hours on the Michigan campus thereafter, taking a peek around the Diag. Iím a local product, so itís not as if Iíve been completely away the 15 years since Iíve graduated. But I did live in Wisconsin the last 9 years, so there definitely are some major changes that I hadnít noticed before.
Hit the gym later in the day for two hours of pickleball. Gotta work on the consistency, I can have 5 good points in a row and follow that up with 5 bad shots in a row. Todayís wog was run 8:4 walk, up to 5 consecutive laps, 5/12ths of a mile. Next stop half mile, though Iím not planning on it the next time I go. Unless I feel like it. Time today was 12:10, which I would assume was a typo, except Iím reading it off my phoneís stopwatch app, and as far as I know, it doesnít do typos. And that was after the pickleball, soÖ it suggests that if ever I develop a mileís worth of stamina, I can probably run it in 10 something, maybe even challenge single digits. I am aching something fierce right now, not sure if thatís from the court action, or from stretching out and going a little faster the last couple of laps.
Curious to see what the weigh in is tomorrow. Having tracked everything since Friday, it seems like Iím eating on or under the calorie goals stated by the SP tracker. I double checked it against a couple of different sites, and apparently, its numbers are correct for my age/height/weight loss goals. Still an open question as to the accuracy of my tracking. Iíve done a decent amount of fitness minutes, but I had a huge corned beef deli sandwich from a fave old place on campus this afternoon. Curious if that will all cancel out.
And, just because I started with a song with a bit of counterpoint vocals in it, how about I end the same way? ďChanceĒ by Savatage, the counterpoint section starts around the 7 minute mark.
This vid takes me way back to 1998, seeing these guys doing this song live, with the awesome sight of 5 guy across the front of the stage, each singing their separate parts. I have goosebumps right now.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Trying to look back on stuff I used to do 5, 7, 9 years ago, and dredging up a ton of memories. The details are pretty fuzzy, even if I did take the retrospective peek a couple of times during the last year. All in all, it's been like being back in school, studying for a test covering the entire semester, wondering what the heck the prof/interviewer might throw at you. Come down to it, I'm just going to be winging it anyway, so why the stress? Might as well relax and get some sleep tonight, right? Oh except for that insomnia thing. Well, then.
Full on ramble tonight, no coherent thoughts populating this brain, no sir. From nf-kb to gbr12909 (that's a reference from when I got to play with cocaine) to monkeys flinging poop, it's all flooding back, those ghosts of past jobs. Some on my blc team board mentioned Synvisc, and I figure that'll play a role in tonight's dreams, as I gave a thousand imaginary patients imaginary shots of that stuff when I used to do software QA for a med records company. Irradiation, catheters and brain probes, oh my!
Haven't done a lick of exercise yet today, but today has an hour to go yet. Might have to take a turn on the old exercise bike, try to tire myself out. You know, I think I will, if only to calm the hamster wheel in my brain. It's spinning at a fantastic pace. Spin one to unspin the other, isn't that how it goes? In theory, anyway. Let's see if reality agrees, shall we?
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