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The new profile pic might be a lie

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

One aspect of the body image issue is that no matter how decently I might appear on occasion, I still feel like a fatass. I'm well aware of this, and yet, it surprises me greatly when I see a picture of myself appearing as I do in this profile pic. The image I have of myself is more along the lines of what I saw in the mirror when I went to get a haircut earlier today, with the double chin hanging over the white strip of cloth wrapped around the neck to keep the chopped hair from cascading down the front of the shirt you're wearing.

I'm fully cognizant that that's one small symptom in the larger issues I have with self-confidence, or the lack thereof, or those issues of not liking who or where I am in life. The change in the profile pic is deliberate, an attempt to show myself that aspect of who I want to be healthwise. Heck, the previous, crazy hair pic was, in a way, the same thing, putting out there for consumption one aspect of the person I wish I could be, confident enough to express myself in that manner. Trying for something different this time around, with a version of who I am on occasion already. I just need to convince myself that reality exists.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLUE42DOWN 10/19/2012 6:34PM

    Haha, after that previous profile pic, this one was so understated I had to see your Sparkname to know it was you! I love that the very confidence it expresses was used to encourage yourself.

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RABBLERRABBIT 10/17/2012 7:15PM

    Today I pulled my winter coat from storage to see how it fit. Last year I had a little trouble buttoning it. Today (60lbs down) I was swimming in it and I was shocked. It really helped me see the changes I don't see day-to-day or even month to month -- especially in pictures, where I immediately play, "Which body part looks the fattest this time?"
I get that it's not a matter of being kinder to ourselves - it's really a matter of distorted viewing. Even in art school my professors would criticize my self-portraits because I would draw myself fatter than reality (most likely due to my fat childhood, when I wore a 6x and was all belly).
You look great in your new picture! Maybe we should listen to other people for a change. And try on lots of old fat clothes.

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JET150 10/16/2012 6:44PM

    You certainly appear to be a healthy weight and single-chinned in this picture. Too bad the self image we carry can be so different, and possibly hurtful, from what others see.

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EMMAEKAY 10/16/2012 5:20PM

    Don't forget - the brain takes a while to catch up, too. I still see myself as the same 300+ lb lady I was in January. It still shocks me when others notice my new weight, and it really freaks me out to see that new face in pictures.

At the end of the day, it's all in your head! Good thing we can control what we think, huh?

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MAGGIEVAN 10/16/2012 4:46PM

    There is a lot of power in visualising your goal. The battle is won or lost in the mind. Just never give up.

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For what it's worth

Monday, October 15, 2012

Listening to the "Blink of an Eye" album by the band Enchant today, which includes the song "Monday", featuring the lyric, "Blame it on Monday". Nothing really to blame, I'm having a decent day, but it is Monday, after all.

Made it to the gym, and as I've lamented before, someone evil, and perhaps a genius, located it at the end of a parking lot shared with a Jimmy John's and a Buffalo Wild Wings (and subsequent to its building, a Taco Bell, but the two year lag before that was built excuses, or perhaps denies credit to said evil genius). Might have undone a bit of the good of going to the gym by ducking in there and hanging out with friends who had gathered there for football watching. My attention was actually on one of the smaller screens, where they had relegated the baseball playoffs to, and where my Detroit Tigers proceeded to shut out the Yankees to take a 2-0 lead in the ALCS. Between Michigan football thrashing Illinois, the Tigers winning two, and the Detroit Lions winning, it was a good sports weekend. Sure, Michigan hockey lost to RIT, but that was Thursday night, and hence, not to be included on the weekend scorecard. We won 7-2 in Friday's rematch.

Other than that? A lazy weekend. Didn't go see Rasputina (a cello based art rock band, check out their song Transylvanian Concubine here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU-MzcGIwSE
) Friday, as I was still wiped out. Instead I hung out with puppies and watched baseball. Not a bad evening. Saturday, failed to go out and get to another concert, choosing instead to hang out with friends and watch Cabin in the Woods, and the end of the Tigers game 1 victory. Wasn't sure that was the right call after Jose Valverde blew a 4 run lead in the bottom of the 9th, but eventually the Motor City Kitties pulled off the victory. Cabin in the Woods wasn't as...umm...cool as I'd expected, there was something in the television ads for the DVD that gave away an aspect that wasn't revealed in the trailers when the movie was in theaters. I think between knowing about that aspect, and the general hype surrounding the movie, and also never having been sucked into the Whedonverse, all of that combined to leave me underwhelmed. Did enjoy the commentary we added to the film, though, deconstructing movies with friends is always fun.

Sunday, I did make it to the gym, as mentioned. It took some doing, though, and the realization that, halfway through watching the Lions game, that I could well end up spending the whole day watching sports on TV, what with the Tigers up next, and the Packers on at night. Given the plethora of televisions in the gym, and the subsequent run to BW3, and sleepwatching the Packers, I kind of did, anyway, but there was a 90 minute stretch of stretching, etc, to make me feel a whole lot better about it. That the weight has stayed at the 180 mark, despite the pizza and wings consumed over the weekend, that's a nice bonus.

Plan for the week includes volunteering here and there, and the continuing/stuttering job search. Starting to contemplate whether a change of scenery might not be a necessary step, the mental aspect doesn't appear to be in place, and I'm wondering whether a shock to the system would help re-jigger the process? And that, the fact that I'm considering what was initially out of the question, is in and of itself a scary proposition.


Mostly there

Friday, October 12, 2012

Just need this little itching in the throat that explodes into full on coughing to go away. Haven't done any exercise all week, unless you could claim cardio from getting an elevated heart rate from watching baseball playoff games on TV. My team, the Detroit Tigers, had its series against the Oakland A's all but won Wednesday night, but let Oakland off the hook at the last possible moment. No such problem last night, what with Justin Verlander acting the ace he is, and shutting out the A's. But it's still stressful.

Think I might have to wander into the gym at some point this weekend, the excuses are past. One advantage to the ick, I seem to have forgotten about three pounds while off my appetite. By my three day rule, I can claim to have achieved the 180 lb mark, the one that I've been verging on for so long, but I'll hold off a couple more days before recording it on SP. After all, now that my appetite's back, just in time for a social weekend...

Having a bit of a weird attitude about that, and it's strange in that without the sickness, without the weight drop, without crossing that barrier that's mocked me for so long, I probably wouldn't be sweating the weekend's eating at all, I'd take it in stride, knowing that I'd just drink a bit more water Monday, get to the gym, and get back to trying to be good, foodwise. So, why the pre-game angst over what's probably just going to be a couple of slices of pizza, or a burger and beer? It's strange the things that trigger these sorts of short term....umm....to use the word "worry" here would be to overstate things.

But there it is. And, oddly enough, after I began typing this out, a couple of friends have invited themselves up to Madison on Sunday, so add another layer of stuff to whinge about.

Thought occurred to me while I was whining above....every once in a while I re-read something I typed previously, and wonder why I typed why I did, or in the tone that I did. We've all had that sort of reaction. It just seems that the stuff I type on here is somehow skewed to be more whiny than I really feel at the time. Not sure if that's because I treat this space as confessional space in terms of food and fat issues, or if it's because I tend to blog at odd hours, and that's what I'm thinking about when I should be falling asleep.

All that wondering makes me wonder one other thing - whether or not these behaviors will ever truly become a lifestyle with me, where I'll be comfortable enough to not have to worry about a couple of big meals. And I say that even after earlier having said that I usually don't sweat these big meals. Contradictory enough for you?

Bottom line is probably somewhere along the thought of, I've lost the 25 pounds initial goal, but I don't trust myself that they'll stay away, whether the 5-7 pounds I've roller coastered a couple of times during this past year, or even the entire amount. A scary thought...obviously not one that's unknown around spark pages...but a sobering thought nevertheless.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST-DUCKY 10/13/2012 8:16AM

    It would be nice if we could all have confidence in ourselves and our success, but it just isn't that easy.

Congrats on reaching that initial goal and I wish you much continued success. You can do it!

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SEASONS__CHANGE 10/12/2012 8:17PM

    Wouldn't it be nice if an elevated heart rate from watching baseball playoff games on TV worked?

I hope you feel better soon and you'll get back on track and not go astray.


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The plague lifts but slowly

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I woke up Sunday morning with a sore throat, but not much more than that. Went out to see Michigan volleyball play at the UW Fieldhouse, which didn't help things much, as Wisconsin's ladies took the Wolverines to the woodshed, winning in three easy sets. And then I went home and went to bed. Monday? A blur. Tuesday? Blurry. I woke up feeling human today...I've spent a half hour so far on the computer (at the library, as I have no internet at home at the moment), and I feel, shall we say, ready to go back to bed. Back to full strength, I ain't. But in that lack of health, I'm also finding that there's a lot that can be done with the contents of one's cupboards, that might in other cases get ignored, or just added to under circumstances.

To explain...last night, I was feeling hungry, and well enough to venture out to feed that hunger. Maybe that wouldn't have been the greatest idea, but I never tested it. Instead, I dug assorted odds and ends out of the cabinet, and made myself a sandwich and then some. A bit of tuna, some of those spices that you get thinking that they might be interesting but never get around to using, the caraway seeded rye bread I like (1), other odds and ends, and the evening meal was made, cupboard contents gone ignored for too long were used, and I didn't do fast food that evening, however much I might have craved it. That's not to say I was entirely good, cookies as comfort food (with chocolate milk!) were imbibed in decent quantities, for which I blame the sickness.

Baseball was also consumed, on the radio, as the roommates had settled in to watch NCIS and its LA spin off by the time the Tigers game started. There was a secondary purpose to abdicating the TV last night, as instead I just curled up in bed and listened to a complete lack of offense on the part of my team - the fact that downstairs in the house, the 3g phone reception is just utterly pathetic, and upstairs, where the bedrooms are, you stand a chance of getting enough signal, usually, anyway, to interact with lower bandwidth apps such as those serving twitter. I've had a twitter account for three years. I sent out 10% as many tweets last night as I did in the previous three years. I suppose I could stand to utilize that service more widely.

I'm really hoping that by the next time I scribble on here, it won't contain any references to the plague in the present tense. 4 days of this crap are more than enough. Is it too much to ask for my lungs not to whistle every time I want to draw a deep breath?

(1) I haven't paid for a regular loaf of bread in about 5 years - the food pantry where I volunteer is next to a bakery distribution site and is always fully stocked with breads, and at the end of the week is obliged to discard those products (usually gets sent to a farm for the pigs or goats or cows), so if you volunteer on a Friday, it's open season on bread, and rye bread stays fresh enough forever (there's something about the chemistry of a rye bread that prevents, or at least severely retards the growth of mold - look it up on wikipedia!)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EMMAEKAY 10/10/2012 9:12PM

    Glad you're feeling better!!

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KING_SLAYER 10/10/2012 6:02PM

    Glad to hear that you're feeling better, hopefully by the weekend you'll be at full strength. Ahh, twitter. I've had an account for about 2 years, probably sent out around 20 or so tweets, never have quite grasped what use it is to regular folks, except as a time sink when you're bored. Rye bread does seem to last a long time, could be the density of it. I think you could beat a man to death with a loaf of the stuff!

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The road to dietary hell is paved 170 calories at a time

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

One mythical benefit of eating better that I have yet to experience is the one where your immune system gets stronger as you treat yourself better. I'd expect to result in being sick less, to being able to fight off colds when they do strike, but the evidence of the last couple days, and months, really, are suggesting otherwise. The scorecard from the last two days reads: Sniffles 2, Drugs 0, Partha minus infinity. The roommates dug out different drugs, so I'm giving that a shot, and here's to breathing tomorrow. I'd offered myself for server duty to a charity dinner on Wednesday; I'll have to remember to beg out of that tomorrow, as I'm sure the patrons wouldn't appreciate having my sniffling and coughing self anywhere near the food.

The title of this blog come from an observation I've made recently that a lot of the snack foods I do indulge in have a portion size of 170 calories. Three Oreo cookies, 170 calories. A 12 ounce can of mountain dew, 170 calories. 6 ounce serving of the yogurt I had last night, 170 calories. That number seems to be everywhere in my dietary universe.

So far, the tendency towards comforting foods (soups, etc) over the last couple of days hasn't had any downward effect on the weight. Curious how that'll be by the time I fully kick the ick. Don't recall from previous short term issues how the scale has performed. Didn't ha e this outlet to record those sorts of thought, either. We shall see.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIRENSONGS 10/9/2012 12:41PM

    Hmmm, I do hope you feel better soon. Although your snack sure do sound tasty, I hope you're also eating foods that have some more nutrients in them to help your ailing body heal! But boy, do I ever crave some Oreos right now, lol!

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    Feel better soon! Sometimes it is the snacks that getcha!

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NANCYPAT1 10/9/2012 1:23AM

    Hope you feel better soon.

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