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Mood matching the clouds

Friday, October 19, 2012

Been in a grey, negative moods the past few days. May be just an extension of being sick last week, more likely from all but having made a decision that I didn't want to, but there you have it. My mood today matches that of the clouds outside, an all encompassing, overcast grey that isn't presently threatening rain, but lends itself of those sorts of thoughts more so than dreams of good weather.

So where am I? Eating fast food two days in a row. Which, on the good side, is something that hasn't happened in a long time. I honestly can't remember the last time I did that, and that includes bar food, which is a regular summer feature. There wasn't anything self-malicious here, was out of doors Wednesday, and ate out, then went to the library as mentioned in the previous blog, and did end up going to the gym afterwards. And Thursday, well, I was in a good mood after the Tigers swept the Yankees to get to the World Series. and tried the bacon portabella melt they keep advertising at Wendy's. Rather tasty.

Here's the thing about this screed; there's a little bit of overstatement going on, and deliberately so, I'm trying to beat myself up a bit more so than I might otherwise, I'm trying to overshare details that I usually keep to myself. In a way, it's being done in an effort to use this space as an outlet, but it's also being done in an effort to put those details out there to remind myself of how things are going, should I ever need or want to re-visit the steps along this journey. It's not a play for sympathy; more like an acknowledgement of what use this space can have if properly utilized, and an on-going exploration for what that proper usage is.
Ok, so today, I might go to the MUFA fall finals and get a beer and brat, or I might go volunteer at the food pantry and have whatever they serve for supper. Tomorrow, I will go watch football (Michigan vs Michigan State...GO BLUE!) with fellow alumni, and eat bar food, and go to a birthday party after and drink something alcoholic. Sunday...haven't a clue what I'm up to then, but I really ought to get my butt out to some GOTV effort, so I think I might do just that. Maybe do the knocking on the doors rather than phone calls, and call it exercise in the process, though I suppose there won't be nearly as much sweat as when I did so in the 90 degree heat prior to the gubernatorial recall election we had in Wisconsin in June.

So there you have it, self-criticism in advance, not to sound too communistic about it. And now I have to go let a puppy out of its crate before it pees all over the place. Poor thing (roommates' pup, his daddy has gone hunting and taken his older sister along, leaving him alone for the first time, I think, ever), he's been howling all day.


Oughta go to the gym

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Baseball likely isn't happening tonight, with a huge swath of precip bearing down on Detroit. The game is being delayed as I type, the kind of no rain "rain delay" that has fans wondering whether New York, on the verge of elimination, isn't getting favorable treatment from the MLB offices, in not starting a game and perhaps wasting their best pitcher on a game that might not proceed long enough to count. Let the game get postponed, I say, the less excuses they have, the better.

The reason for the delay on my end is that it actually is raining here in the Madison area, actually pouring outside the library I'm sitting in at the moment. Makes it a bit tough to get motivated to get to the gym when a) that wasn't in the plans, really (I was gonna watch baseball tonight!) and b) I'm promised two soakings just trying to get to the gym. I suppose the latter isn't really an excuse, as the same wettenings await were I to go home right now.

Spent the day being somewhat productive, unearthing a couple of possibilities previously undiscovered in the work search. Same thing goes as with a lot of other listings, overqualified for some things, underqualified for others, qualified for a small subset of things, if you ignore the 5 year gap since last I utilized those particular skills. Rather frustrating, really. Also frustrating, the fact that I'm not able to unwind my skull enough to really ask for help. Mentioning it here as an attempt to kick my own behind into doing things that needed doing many many moons ago. Given that I'd mentioned the situation at the start of the process and then stopped doing so, I'm not sure that that'll work, but it's worth a shot. I think.


The new profile pic might be a lie

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

One aspect of the body image issue is that no matter how decently I might appear on occasion, I still feel like a fatass. I'm well aware of this, and yet, it surprises me greatly when I see a picture of myself appearing as I do in this profile pic. The image I have of myself is more along the lines of what I saw in the mirror when I went to get a haircut earlier today, with the double chin hanging over the white strip of cloth wrapped around the neck to keep the chopped hair from cascading down the front of the shirt you're wearing.

I'm fully cognizant that that's one small symptom in the larger issues I have with self-confidence, or the lack thereof, or those issues of not liking who or where I am in life. The change in the profile pic is deliberate, an attempt to show myself that aspect of who I want to be healthwise. Heck, the previous, crazy hair pic was, in a way, the same thing, putting out there for consumption one aspect of the person I wish I could be, confident enough to express myself in that manner. Trying for something different this time around, with a version of who I am on occasion already. I just need to convince myself that reality exists.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLUE42DOWN 10/19/2012 6:34PM

    Haha, after that previous profile pic, this one was so understated I had to see your Sparkname to know it was you! I love that the very confidence it expresses was used to encourage yourself.

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RABBLERRABBIT 10/17/2012 7:15PM

    Today I pulled my winter coat from storage to see how it fit. Last year I had a little trouble buttoning it. Today (60lbs down) I was swimming in it and I was shocked. It really helped me see the changes I don't see day-to-day or even month to month -- especially in pictures, where I immediately play, "Which body part looks the fattest this time?"
I get that it's not a matter of being kinder to ourselves - it's really a matter of distorted viewing. Even in art school my professors would criticize my self-portraits because I would draw myself fatter than reality (most likely due to my fat childhood, when I wore a 6x and was all belly).
You look great in your new picture! Maybe we should listen to other people for a change. And try on lots of old fat clothes.

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JET150 10/16/2012 6:44PM

    You certainly appear to be a healthy weight and single-chinned in this picture. Too bad the self image we carry can be so different, and possibly hurtful, from what others see.

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EMMAEKAY 10/16/2012 5:20PM

    Don't forget - the brain takes a while to catch up, too. I still see myself as the same 300+ lb lady I was in January. It still shocks me when others notice my new weight, and it really freaks me out to see that new face in pictures.

At the end of the day, it's all in your head! Good thing we can control what we think, huh?

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MAGGIEVAN 10/16/2012 4:46PM

    There is a lot of power in visualising your goal. The battle is won or lost in the mind. Just never give up.

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For what it's worth

Monday, October 15, 2012

Listening to the "Blink of an Eye" album by the band Enchant today, which includes the song "Monday", featuring the lyric, "Blame it on Monday". Nothing really to blame, I'm having a decent day, but it is Monday, after all.

Made it to the gym, and as I've lamented before, someone evil, and perhaps a genius, located it at the end of a parking lot shared with a Jimmy John's and a Buffalo Wild Wings (and subsequent to its building, a Taco Bell, but the two year lag before that was built excuses, or perhaps denies credit to said evil genius). Might have undone a bit of the good of going to the gym by ducking in there and hanging out with friends who had gathered there for football watching. My attention was actually on one of the smaller screens, where they had relegated the baseball playoffs to, and where my Detroit Tigers proceeded to shut out the Yankees to take a 2-0 lead in the ALCS. Between Michigan football thrashing Illinois, the Tigers winning two, and the Detroit Lions winning, it was a good sports weekend. Sure, Michigan hockey lost to RIT, but that was Thursday night, and hence, not to be included on the weekend scorecard. We won 7-2 in Friday's rematch.

Other than that? A lazy weekend. Didn't go see Rasputina (a cello based art rock band, check out their song Transylvanian Concubine here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU-MzcGIwSE
) Friday, as I was still wiped out. Instead I hung out with puppies and watched baseball. Not a bad evening. Saturday, failed to go out and get to another concert, choosing instead to hang out with friends and watch Cabin in the Woods, and the end of the Tigers game 1 victory. Wasn't sure that was the right call after Jose Valverde blew a 4 run lead in the bottom of the 9th, but eventually the Motor City Kitties pulled off the victory. Cabin in the Woods wasn't as...umm...cool as I'd expected, there was something in the television ads for the DVD that gave away an aspect that wasn't revealed in the trailers when the movie was in theaters. I think between knowing about that aspect, and the general hype surrounding the movie, and also never having been sucked into the Whedonverse, all of that combined to leave me underwhelmed. Did enjoy the commentary we added to the film, though, deconstructing movies with friends is always fun.

Sunday, I did make it to the gym, as mentioned. It took some doing, though, and the realization that, halfway through watching the Lions game, that I could well end up spending the whole day watching sports on TV, what with the Tigers up next, and the Packers on at night. Given the plethora of televisions in the gym, and the subsequent run to BW3, and sleepwatching the Packers, I kind of did, anyway, but there was a 90 minute stretch of stretching, etc, to make me feel a whole lot better about it. That the weight has stayed at the 180 mark, despite the pizza and wings consumed over the weekend, that's a nice bonus.

Plan for the week includes volunteering here and there, and the continuing/stuttering job search. Starting to contemplate whether a change of scenery might not be a necessary step, the mental aspect doesn't appear to be in place, and I'm wondering whether a shock to the system would help re-jigger the process? And that, the fact that I'm considering what was initially out of the question, is in and of itself a scary proposition.


Mostly there

Friday, October 12, 2012

Just need this little itching in the throat that explodes into full on coughing to go away. Haven't done any exercise all week, unless you could claim cardio from getting an elevated heart rate from watching baseball playoff games on TV. My team, the Detroit Tigers, had its series against the Oakland A's all but won Wednesday night, but let Oakland off the hook at the last possible moment. No such problem last night, what with Justin Verlander acting the ace he is, and shutting out the A's. But it's still stressful.

Think I might have to wander into the gym at some point this weekend, the excuses are past. One advantage to the ick, I seem to have forgotten about three pounds while off my appetite. By my three day rule, I can claim to have achieved the 180 lb mark, the one that I've been verging on for so long, but I'll hold off a couple more days before recording it on SP. After all, now that my appetite's back, just in time for a social weekend...

Having a bit of a weird attitude about that, and it's strange in that without the sickness, without the weight drop, without crossing that barrier that's mocked me for so long, I probably wouldn't be sweating the weekend's eating at all, I'd take it in stride, knowing that I'd just drink a bit more water Monday, get to the gym, and get back to trying to be good, foodwise. So, why the pre-game angst over what's probably just going to be a couple of slices of pizza, or a burger and beer? It's strange the things that trigger these sorts of short term....umm....to use the word "worry" here would be to overstate things.

But there it is. And, oddly enough, after I began typing this out, a couple of friends have invited themselves up to Madison on Sunday, so add another layer of stuff to whinge about.

Thought occurred to me while I was whining above....every once in a while I re-read something I typed previously, and wonder why I typed why I did, or in the tone that I did. We've all had that sort of reaction. It just seems that the stuff I type on here is somehow skewed to be more whiny than I really feel at the time. Not sure if that's because I treat this space as confessional space in terms of food and fat issues, or if it's because I tend to blog at odd hours, and that's what I'm thinking about when I should be falling asleep.

All that wondering makes me wonder one other thing - whether or not these behaviors will ever truly become a lifestyle with me, where I'll be comfortable enough to not have to worry about a couple of big meals. And I say that even after earlier having said that I usually don't sweat these big meals. Contradictory enough for you?

Bottom line is probably somewhere along the thought of, I've lost the 25 pounds initial goal, but I don't trust myself that they'll stay away, whether the 5-7 pounds I've roller coastered a couple of times during this past year, or even the entire amount. A scary thought...obviously not one that's unknown around spark pages...but a sobering thought nevertheless.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST-DUCKY 10/13/2012 8:16AM

    It would be nice if we could all have confidence in ourselves and our success, but it just isn't that easy.

Congrats on reaching that initial goal and I wish you much continued success. You can do it!

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SEASONS__CHANGE 10/12/2012 8:17PM

    Wouldn't it be nice if an elevated heart rate from watching baseball playoff games on TV worked?

I hope you feel better soon and you'll get back on track and not go astray.


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