I failed and failed miserably at that. I can't believe where I am at now. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be where I am at right now. After loosing 90 pounds, being in the best physical shape I have ever been in. Having a strong routing of lifting weights, cardio and mixing things up! I Even ran a full marathon and 5 half marathons, and finished several 5k's. I even placed in a 5k! I went from 230 lbs of blubber at a size 18-20 women's to a solid healthy 140lbs of lean mean muscle machine size 4. Well know I am back.. back to 210lbs size 16. How? I have no idea? bad habits creeped in and good habits left. Till eventually it was all bad habits. I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed. I said I would never gain the weight back and I did. I'm so ashamed that I hate to go out. I hate for anyone to see me. Especially people who saw me at my best and have not seen me since. Ugh... Its a struggle for me to even admit it on here. Well Im starting again. Starting from scratch. Starting all over again. Taking it slow, like I did the first time. I have found that I expect myself to go from Mcdonald's to eating clean over night. Well it's not happening, so I am starting how I did the first time. Small and slow. This time trying to keep the exercise realistic to my family. Big mistake last time. Working out 3 hours a day is not realistic for a mother of 3 that works full time and has children in activities.
anywhoo.. just had to get that off of my chest. I'm starting all over again. Square one! Tracking meals, small exercise. We will see how far I go.
It's no secret that I lost my spark. Thank you everyone who left supportive comments on my last rant :) I am taking in a lot. So the last few days am trying a lot of what TEACHFIRST268 said. I'm getting real with myself.
When I started my journey, I do remember being inside the gym just wanting to go home. Looking around at all of the fit people and then looking down at my stomach feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I have those feelings now. I have been telling myself..... who cares! Who cares if my arms jiggle, who cares if these very same people saw me 60 lbs lighter. They will see me again, they will see me when my arms are not jiggling. The will see me when my belly isn't hanging over. They will see me nice and toned. I will be that girl... LOL
When I feel like I want to go home, I'm bored. I'm giving myself goals... Ok do this much of cardio/ strength and you can go.
I am making sure that I am lifting weights.
I am making sure I get dressed on a daily basis, even though I have no clothes. I still have makeup and can do my hair. I can still be pretty. This is helping my self esteem tremendously.
I am praying. I am praying before each workout, for God's strength to do it. To honor him with my body. I need my body to be in working condition if I want to serve him.
I am eating right even when I do not want to... :( I had to make a cake yesterday with my daughter for a cooking class!!! GRRRR I had none :)
I am loving my new george foreman grill. Fish on it is fantastic!!! YUM YUM!!!
I am 60 lbs higher.. back on. I just dont get what happened to my spark.. my drive... I lost it. I want it back and can't seem to get it! I will do awesome for a week and then the next.... Im awful!!! I want my size back.. I want my health back, my muscles back, my drive back, my charisma back!!!!
I REFUSE TO BUY ANY CLOTHES SO IM LIVING IN SWEATPANTS!!!!
I have been busting my butt exercising the past week. Doing hard core cardio and about an hour on others and lifting weights. Heavy weights... I'm tracking my exercises. Doing 30 min of HITT and some light cardio, and being all around active. I even took a rest day, but still made sure I was active around the house. Not the jelly belly couch potato I was becoming. I hop on the scale yesterday..... anticipating the number to go down... not really though... I knew what was going to come. No movement on the scale. GRRRRR!!!!
I know why it happened.. you see i have been late night eating. Im tracking my calories, trying to eat every 3 hours. Mixing protien and carbs, all that jazz..... but come 8:30 or 9 p.m. I want something... I cant even say that Im hungry. I just want something and Im going for it. It starts off small a few chips... then I go for the cookies.. the 80 calorie a piece keebler cookies. I have 4 of them... then something else.. a turkey sandwich.. hey why not make it a meal. Im not tracking those calories on my log, so I cant even say how much I am consuming at night. Its a lot of high calorie junk that I am not having during the day. Last night..... yikes 3 cupcakes, and a turkey sandwich? I will say that yesterday i had about 1,200 calories until the binging started and for my size I can consume 1830-2130 Why?? Why am I doing this? I'm not even hungry?
I hate to see all my work during the day with my meals and workouts go to waste by these late night binges. Please dont get me wrong I don't think it is to the point where I need to call a doctor. . .. but maybe Im restricting myself too much during the day and then this is happening. Maybe I do need to call the doctor... I just looked at the list of criteria for being diagnosed with Binged eating disorder. Or is it just overeating.. now I'm totally confused..... I think I just scared myself to death reading about it online. I freak myself out with with all illnesses I read about online though. I will keep an eye on this. It is probably just general over eating due to restrictions during the day and not having will power to say no. One thing I don't like is feeling powerless over it. Also not stopping till I have a general comfort of fullness in my belly not a I'm not hungry anymore.
Going back to the progress.. (Can you tell I'm ADD) I did make progress. I started to exercise. I started to care! I started to notice what Im eating. I started to come to terms with the fact that yes... I have gained weight. My clothes are not just shrinking. I've made an exercise plan down and Im sticking to it. Now just to getting the eating under control.