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Complete and utter failure

Friday, December 13, 2013

I failed and failed miserably at that. I can't believe where I am at now. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be where I am at right now. After loosing 90 pounds, being in the best physical shape I have ever been in. Having a strong routing of lifting weights, cardio and mixing things up! I Even ran a full marathon and 5 half marathons, and finished several 5k's. I even placed in a 5k! I went from 230 lbs of blubber at a size 18-20 women's to a solid healthy 140lbs of lean mean muscle machine size 4. Well know I am back.. back to 210lbs size 16. How? I have no idea? bad habits creeped in and good habits left. Till eventually it was all bad habits. I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed. I said I would never gain the weight back and I did. I'm so ashamed that I hate to go out. I hate for anyone to see me. Especially people who saw me at my best and have not seen me since. Ugh... Its a struggle for me to even admit it on here. Well Im starting again. Starting from scratch. Starting all over again. Taking it slow, like I did the first time. I have found that I expect myself to go from Mcdonald's to eating clean over night. Well it's not happening, so I am starting how I did the first time. Small and slow. This time trying to keep the exercise realistic to my family. Big mistake last time. Working out 3 hours a day is not realistic for a mother of 3 that works full time and has children in activities.

anywhoo.. just had to get that off of my chest. I'm starting all over again. Square one! Tracking meals, small exercise. We will see how far I go.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NH_MOM 12/14/2013 8:51PM

    I think the same thing would've happened to me but somewhere along the way I realized that this is a lifestyle change - if I want to stay at this weight I have keep healthy habits. Yes, I do have days where I go way off track b/c we all need that, as long as we don't make a habit of it. Sounds like you have a plan and that's a great start. Slow & steady wins the race! emoticon

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KENTUCKYWOMAN 12/14/2013 3:22AM

    You are not a failure because you are getting back. Gaining the weight back happens, but it can be reversed. Hang in there, and move forward from now on.
Big Hugs,
Joan aka Kentucky Woman

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DIFROMWYOMING 12/13/2013 4:35PM

    You're in very good company- including mine unfortunately. I never was 'thin', but I lost my first 100 and then...gained almost all of it back- just when I was beginning to feel better. At least some. I don't really understand it but I knew there was a lesson there. You know you can do this- taking it slow and working on the why of it all will give you an even better foundation to grow on. emoticon

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RENLLY 12/13/2013 4:15PM

    I can totally relate.

I did all the hard work and lost over 150lbs. I was so close to my WW goal weight. Then my routines were all changed (new city, new job, new relationship, new place to live etc) - and I got lazy.

I gained back almost all of the 150lbs.

THIS time I am going to figure out how to deal with change instead of giving up.


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ABYGAILSMOM06 12/13/2013 1:35PM

    Look at it this way, don't do anything to lose the weight that you can't stick with for the rest of your life. I for one am very impressed that you have the courage to admit your slip and it's ok. You will get back there and you will continue with a healthy life. Believe in yourself and know that you can. Anything worth having will take time. It is all about trial and error and finding what works for you and balancing it all out. Good luck and best wishes along your road to success!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! emoticon

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Pressing and Pushing on

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

It's no secret that I lost my spark. Thank you everyone who left supportive comments on my last rant :) I am taking in a lot. So the last few days am trying a lot of what TEACHFIRST268 said. I'm getting real with myself.

When I started my journey, I do remember being inside the gym just wanting to go home. Looking around at all of the fit people and then looking down at my stomach feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I have those feelings now. I have been telling myself..... who cares! Who cares if my arms jiggle, who cares if these very same people saw me 60 lbs lighter. They will see me again, they will see me when my arms are not jiggling. The will see me when my belly isn't hanging over. They will see me nice and toned. I will be that girl... LOL

When I feel like I want to go home, I'm bored. I'm giving myself goals... Ok do this much of cardio/ strength and you can go.

I am making sure that I am lifting weights.

I am making sure I get dressed on a daily basis, even though I have no clothes. I still have makeup and can do my hair. I can still be pretty. This is helping my self esteem tremendously.

I am praying. I am praying before each workout, for God's strength to do it. To honor him with my body. I need my body to be in working condition if I want to serve him.

I am eating right even when I do not want to... :( I had to make a cake yesterday with my daughter for a cooking class!!! GRRRR I had none :)

I am loving my new george foreman grill. Fish on it is fantastic!!! YUM YUM!!!

Adios Amigos!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOPINTOS 1/24/2013 2:19PM

    emoticon Thanks for sharing!


Smile and Enjoy the Rest of Your Day!
Melinda (gopintos)
Calorie Cycling Team
Missourians Team
Perfect Health Diet Team
Country Living Team
Dr Oz Show Fans Team
Wheat Belly Team


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AZMOMXTWO 1/23/2013 6:46AM

  keep up the good work you can do it

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I just don't get it

Monday, January 21, 2013

I am 60 lbs higher.. back on. I just dont get what happened to my spark.. my drive... I lost it. I want it back and can't seem to get it! I will do awesome for a week and then the next.... Im awful!!! I want my size back.. I want my health back, my muscles back, my drive back, my charisma back!!!!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELSCO55 1/21/2013 8:45PM

    I am with you. I started back to Weight Watchers today. Hope they can reignite the spark. Day one here. We can do it.

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TEACHFIRST268 1/21/2013 6:44PM

    I completely understand what you're feeling. It's hard to stay 100% motivated 100% of the time!

I've gone up and down, yo-yoing, several times in my life. I realize that once I get to goal (whatever it will be for me) the hardest part is going to be to keep it off. But during the journey, when you feel like you have so much to lose, at times it seems unattainable.

That's when the small goals, and REWARDS come in. Set a 5 or a 10 lb goal. Then think about something you could earn when you get there. Folks say don't reward yourself with food, but I've had a night out for dinner - heck, I do every Saturday. But I order something sensible. The reward for me is not having to cook! Find something like that for yourself, something you can look forward to after working hard all week, or after 5lbs lost.

The other thing - when I'm in that woah-is-me-this-s*cks funk....I get real with myself. I know that feeling is temporary and I have to push through it. I give myself two choices:
1. I can eat this (or sit on my butt and not exercise) and slowly fall back into my old, unhappy, unhealthy and stay/get bigger (I DO NOT WANT THIS!)
2. I can do what needs to be done and keep pushing forward, knowing if I continue to make this good choice, it will add up and I will EVENTUALLY see results, even if they don't come as quickly as I want them to.

You know you can do already did. When you reach those moments of weakness just buck up - get no-nonsense with yourself - and ask yourself, TRULY ask yourself what you want. If you're ready for change, you'll make the choice that will get you there! Only you can do it. And you will when you make that decision!!!

We're rooting for you!!!!


p.s. I'm also so done with beating myself up over it all. I choose to see the yo-yoing as part of the journey. Had to go through all that to get to where I am going! We are so unkind to ourselves on this journey sometimes. That's been one of the most difficult things for me to see and start changing - but I am so much happier now. I haven't fully mastered it - but I'm getting there!

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ICHOOSETHIN 1/21/2013 2:14PM

    I've lost my spark too and have tried to find it again but I struggle more often than not. I lost 43 pounds and have gained 32 of it back. Blah! I feel terrible. I am not giving up though and neither are you. Today is a new day. Lets make it a healthy one.

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AMYSLOVED 1/21/2013 2:11PM

    Hi there read ur blog, my advice is this keep saying to urself " which choice do i make today? EAT N EAT N EAT GAIN N GAIN more or limit yourself, get back on the wagon, remember all that energy u had before, IF U WANT IT, U CAN DO IT" :)

Good Luck with gettin things back on track!!!

Amysloved- amy

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Thursday, November 08, 2012

Yeah I did it! No late night eating last night! It was tough but I did it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JBEAUFORD 11/9/2012 4:37AM

    emoticon day one is the hardest! Now remember this feeling tomorrow and see if it helps.

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DRPOOH63 11/8/2012 11:34AM


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ALISONLYNN1 11/8/2012 9:24AM

    emoticon I am sometimes guilty of this too! I just need that mindless crunching while I'm relaxing in front of the tv. Way to be tough!!:)

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WELLNESSME09 11/8/2012 8:22AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Congrats!! Night munchies are always hardest for me to!!

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CAT609 11/8/2012 7:10AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ELSCO55 11/8/2012 7:03AM


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DARJR50 11/8/2012 6:59AM

  Way to go!!!!! This is an issue for me too.

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DMEYER4 11/8/2012 6:53AM

  great job emoticon emoticon

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DEBBYNATION 11/8/2012 6:51AM

    Yay! Night munching is tempting to me too & not easy to say no to! It's easier for me not to be so tempted if I do not sit down to watch tv with all it's food commercials!

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Progress....... maybe... I guess...

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

I have been busting my butt exercising the past week. Doing hard core cardio and about an hour on others and lifting weights. Heavy weights... I'm tracking my exercises. Doing 30 min of HITT and some light cardio, and being all around active. I even took a rest day, but still made sure I was active around the house. Not the jelly belly couch potato I was becoming. I hop on the scale yesterday..... anticipating the number to go down... not really though... I knew what was going to come. No movement on the scale. GRRRRR!!!!

I know why it happened.. you see i have been late night eating. Im tracking my calories, trying to eat every 3 hours. Mixing protien and carbs, all that jazz..... but come 8:30 or 9 p.m. I want something... I cant even say that Im hungry. I just want something and Im going for it. It starts off small a few chips... then I go for the cookies.. the 80 calorie a piece keebler cookies. I have 4 of them... then something else.. a turkey sandwich.. hey why not make it a meal. Im not tracking those calories on my log, so I cant even say how much I am consuming at night. Its a lot of high calorie junk that I am not having during the day. Last night..... yikes 3 cupcakes, and a turkey sandwich? I will say that yesterday i had about 1,200 calories until the binging started and for my size I can consume 1830-2130 Why?? Why am I doing this? I'm not even hungry?

I hate to see all my work during the day with my meals and workouts go to waste by these late night binges. Please dont get me wrong I don't think it is to the point where I need to call a doctor. . .. but maybe Im restricting myself too much during the day and then this is happening. Maybe I do need to call the doctor... I just looked at the list of criteria for being diagnosed with Binged eating disorder. Or is it just overeating.. now I'm totally confused..... I think I just scared myself to death reading about it online. I freak myself out with with all illnesses I read about online though. I will keep an eye on this. It is probably just general over eating due to restrictions during the day and not having will power to say no. One thing I don't like is feeling powerless over it. Also not stopping till I have a general comfort of fullness in my belly not a I'm not hungry anymore.

Going back to the progress.. (Can you tell I'm ADD) I did make progress. I started to exercise. I started to care! I started to notice what Im eating. I started to come to terms with the fact that yes... I have gained weight. My clothes are not just shrinking. I've made an exercise plan down and Im sticking to it. Now just to getting the eating under control.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JBEAUFORD 11/9/2012 4:35AM

    OK, here's where you and I are a lot alike. If its around in my house I will eat it so you gotta get that stuff out of there for starters.

Secondly, you aren't eating enough during the day to combat this. Quit worrying about what time of day and such, and eat a well balanced variety all day long, with snacks between meals to keep you from feeling hungry. Instead of having cookies on hand get a bunch of fresh fruit. It will fill you up and be better for you, and handle the sweet cravings. I've been keeping apples oranges bananas and pineapple on hand that require no prep work so I can grab and go.

Also late night makes no difference, contrary to popular belief. It will be digested the same no matter what time of day or night.

Lastly, you said you aren't tracking this stuff. Why not? This is probably my biggest deterrent from going down that road, because I don't want to have to stare at that food on my tracker and it really will make you more accountable.

Now, you may not have lost but doesn't sound like you gained either so count that as a small victory and move on. You are aware of the potential pitfall which is half the battle. Set up a fast track goal for yourself for no binge eating after dinner and see how long you can keep a streak going. I guarantee it will help.

One last thing, are you eating just to eat or are you dealing with something that might be a cause for emotional eating? If you are stressing over something maybe that should be addressed above all else. Stress is the leading reasosn for this type of behavior so if someone can help you through whatever that might be please let us know. Even if you want to rant to a total stranger I know I'm not alone in saying the offer to listen is on the table :)

Good luck and please update on how you are doing on this front. emoticon

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BUSYMOMOF003 11/8/2012 12:31PM

    I know what you mean about evening snacking. For a while there was no breaking the habit. but now I rarely have anything substantial. What I've been doing is having a cup of decaf green tea with lemon and calorie free sweetener. Sometimes I'll have a granola bar(homemade) with it. It's just satisfying now that the weather is colder. If I'm snacky I have some light popcorn. It's alot of snacking without alot of calories- followed by a hershey kiss or something. Then, if I have any energy I use the step while I watch tv or do some ab work. Not a ton, maybe 10 minutes, but being active at night reminds me of what I've been working on during the day. HTH

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AGIBSO10 11/7/2012 12:21PM

    Thanks for the comments!!!

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HEIDI-25 11/7/2012 8:53AM

    You know what you need to do but I think having alternatives to eating lined up ahead of time will help you over this hump. You have lots of physical activity in your life now so is there something relaxing at the end of the day/evening that you could look forward to? A shower or bath, a few minutes with a magazine or a chapter book, getting away from the kitchen and tv commercials will certainly help :) Good luck and keep up that great exercise. You will see results soon I am sure.

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BUSYGRANNY5 11/7/2012 7:11AM

    You're doing great.... I think you may need to eat a little more to help keep your "binges" under control!

Keep on keeping on!!!

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