Wednesday, June 01, 2011
I have been having a terrible week! I am not motivated, I have been experiencing this panic feeling every time I try to leave my apartment. Even when it was just going home, to visit family I have this feeling like I am stuck here. In this place, like I cant leave. I think its almost a fear. (irrational obviously). But I can't seem to muster the courage to do a workout, or call friends and make plans. I don't have the energy to do anything. I don't even feel like myself. I won't even go to walmart (the only grocery store int his podunk town) Instead I have been sitting inside feeling anxious and miserable. In fact the only time I am at peace with myself at all is when I am sleeping. I have been going to bed early and sleeping late. I love to read and I can't even seem to get into my books. Even my favorite authors, and subjects just fail to capture my attention.
I want to be positive, I want to feel good about myself, and yet everywhere I go, everything I see I compare myself to, as if I am behind because I have nothing to show for my hard work. As If I am a lesser person because I am fat, or because I didn't finish college in 4 years ( like you are supposed to!) I don't know why I feel obligated to compare myself to others. I don't know why it matters, and yet I continue to do it. In fact I even compare myself to MYSELF...a former version of myself.
I don't understand why I beat myself up. I am so tired or feeling tired and shameful about who I am ...Maybe its because I am not proud of who I am. I don't see accomplishments, I only see things that need improvements. I know this is something I need to work on, because it is seriously holding me back, only I don't know how to let it go. I don't want to do medicine. I have tried different things before, I don't like them, I don't want them. I want it to be natural. That is why I love exercising so much. it is the best anti-depressant I have ever tried, and I recommend it to everyone I know. But lately, I can't even seem to make myself do it. I lost confidence in myself. I have nothing to do so I feel like a nothing!
Keeping my chin up, hoping for better days.