Sunday, January 06, 2008
I've gone through so much emotional abuse from my mother in the past, and it hasn't really changed at all through time. I just went through another 'episode' with her and I want to document it here.
This is just one of countless frustrating interactions I have with my mother. I am constantly shown that she is not a functional human being-- she doesn't seem to live in reality.
My mother is shopping for a sweater for her mother (a nursing home patient with schizophrenia whom i've been alienated from by my own mother). She's looking online for a zip-up style sweater that will fit her-- she's a 2x. During her search she mentions something to the effect of "it's hard to find clothes for fatties". I, being the empowered fat woman I've blossomed into (hahaha), tell her not to use that word-- fatty-- that it's filled with negative connotations for me. She doesn't respond.
I ask her if she's listening to me. She makes an unrelated comment about the website. I ask her if she can hear me. She makes another comment about the website.
These types of things used to depress me. I am VERY happy to say I can now properly feel anger. So I got angry. A few minutes later, when she asked me a question about plus-size clothing, I responded that I wouldn't listen or respond to her until she gave me that basic respect.
As I wrote this, she asked me another question. When I didn't respond, she called me a "mo-ron" and, shortly thereafter, yelled that "YOU CAN'T FIND CLOTHES FOR FATTIES!!".
She completely ignores the important parts of life-- communication, relationships, respect... She is an serious alcoholic who spends all of her free time sedentary in front of her expensive television with her VERY expensive cable (all movie channels) and netflix subscription. It's an escape-- because she can't handle reality.
It seems impossible she can be ignorant of the sad state of her life, but it's interactions like the one above that show me she truly doesn't understand.
I'll just say it feels fantastic to be able to live through this BS and be angry, and not depressed. When I lived with my mother in high school, I would get depressed-- repeat mantras of self-hate, blockade myself in my room, and cry. My cat would scratch at the door to be let in and comfort me, believe it or not. She was the only respite from this adolescent hellhole. I look forward to the day I can take her and everything I own from this house and never look back.
For future breaks, I'm going to ask off-campus friends for places to stay so I don't get trapped here with her. It never turns out well.
Can you believe she pulls this "fatty" crap on me even after I lose 50 pounds? And it's not just indirectly-- she continues to tell me to lose weight... AS I DO AEROBICS VIDEOS IN FRONT OF HER. It's just insane!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I did what I wanted to do this Thanksgiving:
ATE A LOT OF YUMMY CRAP!
went way over on my calorie count (maybe 3000) but i did exercise multiple times.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Whew! I went on a walk/jog yesterday that kicked my stupid butt. Here's the story.
I bought my first pair of tennis shoes in years a month or two ago (it's actually in one of these blog entries). Unfortunately I didn't size it right, having not worn sneakers in years, and they're too small for me, especially during exercise.
But I've kept wearing them for my runs because I figured they were better than any of the sandals I own. Well, apparently they weren't good enough! They worked out for my first couple of runs, but I noticed increasing foot and knee pain with each successive work out. Well my last work out, the pain got a little ridiculous, so I've decided to stop running until I get back home where my mom can buy me some real running shoes.
It's too bad-- I've actually noticed some real results lately. I can tell running is going to be AWESOME in the future. But I think I should just keep walking until I can do it safely... I don't want to sprain an ankle and be off my feet for weeks!
I am SERIOUSLY looking forward to getting some shoes. Ohhhh, yeaaah.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
I served jury duty yesterday. Wow, what a mess! I checked in and 8:00 and was gone by 9:00. All I had to do was fill out a form and watch the two propoganda films. I actually read Suetonius through them, but perked up at this sentence: "Trial by jury is so successful that even some former communist countries have adopted the practice!" [image of 'Czechoslovakia' on a map]. Wow.. even heathens do it! "And do you know why? Because it WORKS!"
Then they put us on break. By the time we came back the single case we were summoned for had been resolved. God bless America.
Then I skipped Spanish with Scarlett and we went to the beach, where I saw a pelican carcass washed up on shore. Romantic.
When I was on a walk this morning in the rich-people neighborhood that surrounds campus, I saw something really absurd. I passed by a woman in a pink velour sweatsuit pushing an empty stroller. Then, I noticed that inside the mesh storage space underneath the stroller seat was a tiny yorkie with one of those no-bite collars on. I gave the women a thumbs up, and she explained that "he broke his leg". Then, she walked into her hoity-toity gated community. weird.
Also, after having passed a construction site, a man told me I "look pretty". I turned around and gave him a prolonged dirty glare through my mary-kate sunglasses. "What? I said you look pretty!". I didn't know how to explain: women are not objects for men's pleasure, thus your comment was not a compliment but an insult. Maybe I should just carry around business cards with that crap on it.
I also found a quickly ripening grapefruit tree & picked up some fruit from it.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Today, my college held the Midnight Debates, a traditional presidential debate where candidates and a hand-picked panel of hecklers are drunk and ridiculous. I stood up for fat people at it tonight.
There are two students here, J. and C., who are conspicuous and well-known for their shock schtick. They love to piss people off. And they ran as 'joke candidates' this year.
Their campaign during the week leading up to the debates consisted of a platform which included, among other "crazy, random" things, "No fat chicks". I don't mean to condemn shock comedy, and I think it's actually a great tool to get people to question the norm, but I had a problem with this particular joke.
So for a week I've been expressing my distaste for their platform and their joke. I raised a question at the initial debates about the topic: "How do you expect to win fat women's votes with a platform that includes No Fat Chicks?". They responded with an over-the-top insistance that fat women should have no right to vote, and that fat women would be expelled from school if they got in power. Later on, another candidate made a point to stress his "pro-fat chicks" stance. I had triggered a dialogue. I was happy!
Tonight, at the midnight debates, they brought it up again. I knew it was coming. And when it came out of J. and C.'s mouths, I blew up! I actually began screeching "F!&% YOU!!!" repeatedly at the top of my lungs (that's quite loud, mind you). People were shocked, and I had all the attention for a while. (I know some may be offended by this, but this was an un-chaperoned event and the students at my school are radically liberal. This offended nobody, and it was necessary for the shock value!). After my loud, lengthy outburt, there was a flood of applause. My face was purple and I was out of breath, but I couldn't stop smiling. For the rest of the night, the other candidates stressed their "pro-fat chicks" platforms.
I am proud to have made people question fat hate and fat acceptance. I believe it is a very important issue, and it is one that has radically influenced my ENTIRE life, and made me who I am today. I'm glad that the audience at the debates tonight know there is at least one crazy girl who is standing up for fat rights. Yeah!
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