AGENT32  
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My Crazy Mother

Sunday, January 06, 2008

I've gone through so much emotional abuse from my mother in the past, and it hasn't really changed at all through time. I just went through another 'episode' with her and I want to document it here.

This is just one of countless frustrating interactions I have with my mother. I am constantly shown that she is not a functional human being-- she doesn't seem to live in reality.

My mother is shopping for a sweater for her mother (a nursing home patient with schizophrenia whom i've been alienated from by my own mother). She's looking online for a zip-up style sweater that will fit her-- she's a 2x. During her search she mentions something to the effect of "it's hard to find clothes for fatties". I, being the empowered fat woman I've blossomed into (hahaha), tell her not to use that word-- fatty-- that it's filled with negative connotations for me. She doesn't respond.

I ask her if she's listening to me. She makes an unrelated comment about the website. I ask her if she can hear me. She makes another comment about the website.

These types of things used to depress me. I am VERY happy to say I can now properly feel anger. So I got angry. A few minutes later, when she asked me a question about plus-size clothing, I responded that I wouldn't listen or respond to her until she gave me that basic respect.

As I wrote this, she asked me another question. When I didn't respond, she called me a "mo-ron" and, shortly thereafter, yelled that "YOU CAN'T FIND CLOTHES FOR FATTIES!!".

She completely ignores the important parts of life-- communication, relationships, respect... She is an serious alcoholic who spends all of her free time sedentary in front of her expensive television with her VERY expensive cable (all movie channels) and netflix subscription. It's an escape-- because she can't handle reality.

It seems impossible she can be ignorant of the sad state of her life, but it's interactions like the one above that show me she truly doesn't understand.

I'll just say it feels fantastic to be able to live through this BS and be angry, and not depressed. When I lived with my mother in high school, I would get depressed-- repeat mantras of self-hate, blockade myself in my room, and cry. My cat would scratch at the door to be let in and comfort me, believe it or not. She was the only respite from this adolescent hellhole. I look forward to the day I can take her and everything I own from this house and never look back.

For future breaks, I'm going to ask off-campus friends for places to stay so I don't get trapped here with her. It never turns out well.

Can you believe she pulls this "fatty" crap on me even after I lose 50 pounds? And it's not just indirectly-- she continues to tell me to lose weight... AS I DO AEROBICS VIDEOS IN FRONT OF HER. It's just insane!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROYALETBONE 1/7/2008 12:29AM

    First- HI! I love your blogging- keep it up! You've got class!
Second- the world really needs a Spark program for RUDE people that you could try to hook your Mom up with---- wouldn't that be cool? Unlikely, but it would be cool
Third- your Mom is seriously computer illiterate. Try putting 2 bookmarks in for her that say- BIG-Catherines & BIG- Lane Bryant- or Grandmother, or Fat, or whatever would get her to use the darn thing. No clothes in 2x, my fat ass! Yes, there are!
Fourth- I seem to be able to swear in my blogs- but I can't use cartoon signs for them. I think it is a computer problem. Just so you know. The 'pound' sign, for instance seems verbotin.
Keep up the hard work, and good luck! Watch out, your feet will shrink, then you can use that earlier pair of tennis shoes!
Mary

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BRYTTANI21 1/6/2008 3:02PM

    Wow! My life is the same exact way. I have the worst relationship with my mother and it's all because of this kind of ignorance! It's sad when familly treats you worst than the people you meet on the street.

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SHERRY99 1/6/2008 2:55PM

  I can relate to you. My mother is obsessed with constantly talking about dieting and how much weight she has gained and how much weight she has lost and she can't eat this and she can't eat that-blablabla. She calls me and asks me if I want various pieces of clothing that she has because since she has lost so much weight they don't fit her but they will probably fit me. Even though I have lost more weight than she has she never mentions this. She seems intent on constantly putting me down because she weighs less than I do. My solution- try to minimize the amount of time you spend with toxic poeple-even if they are family. If it pisses them off- so what. They don't care if they piss they off. Best of luck!

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CARISSANNE 1/6/2008 2:46PM

    It sounds like you and I could be sisters. I think our mothers are the same person. I'm 30 and my mother has always and continues to make ugly comments about not only my weight but EVERYONE's weight. Including innocent people in public, people on TV and commercials, my sisters, and all of my family actually. I have alread accepted that at 72 she is never going to change. She is just hateful when it comes to appearence. When I moved out of the house from her when I was 22 it made a huge difference for me but I am still consistantly reminder by her that I am fat and need weight loss surgery. Then I looked into weight loss surgery and she told me "You know you can't eat a lot when you have that surgery?" YEAH....like I don't already know THAT"S HOW IT WORKS LADY!!! Anyways, just letting you know that I think a lot of people struggling with weight have the same problem with their mothers. One year my mother in law gave me a red sports bra. Uhhhhh is that a hint or what?? One of my sisters has lost over 100 pounds and my mother still asks her what size is she wearing today. It's just never ending and so irritating that it isn't easier to just block them out. Just know that other people are in your shoes as well.

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Thursday, November 22, 2007

I did what I wanted to do this Thanksgiving:

ATE A LOT OF YUMMY CRAP!

went way over on my calorie count (maybe 3000) but i did exercise multiple times.

  


Sunday, November 11, 2007

Whew! I went on a walk/jog yesterday that kicked my stupid butt. Here's the story.

I bought my first pair of tennis shoes in years a month or two ago (it's actually in one of these blog entries). Unfortunately I didn't size it right, having not worn sneakers in years, and they're too small for me, especially during exercise.

But I've kept wearing them for my runs because I figured they were better than any of the sandals I own. Well, apparently they weren't good enough! They worked out for my first couple of runs, but I noticed increasing foot and knee pain with each successive work out. Well my last work out, the pain got a little ridiculous, so I've decided to stop running until I get back home where my mom can buy me some real running shoes.

It's too bad-- I've actually noticed some real results lately. I can tell running is going to be AWESOME in the future. But I think I should just keep walking until I can do it safely... I don't want to sprain an ankle and be off my feet for weeks!

I am SERIOUSLY looking forward to getting some shoes. Ohhhh, yeaaah.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNRISESUNSET 11/13/2007 4:14PM

    I made the same mistake. My shoes were getting old, moving into the ancient falling apart stage but I continued and then pain started to come and I was out for a week. Glad you stopped because rarely my foot stars to hurt again so don't do yourself a permanent injury.

PS. Thanks for the entry in my blog. I really appreciate the support. Good luck with your new shoes and enjoy running!

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FCGIORDA 11/11/2007 4:38PM

    You are right to temporarily stop until you can get some good shoes - I walked about a mile carrying a backpack in birkenstock sandals and my left foot was in a huge amount of pain for like a week! Couldn't walk, could barely do pilates, etc. Not sure why it was the left and not the right, but either way, that taught me not to walk for a long distance unless I am wearing proper shoes! There is plenty of other stuff you can do instead - the spark strength exercises are really good.

I need to buy some good sneakers... the ones I have are really old.

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jury duty & weird encounters while walking

Thursday, November 08, 2007

I served jury duty yesterday. Wow, what a mess! I checked in and 8:00 and was gone by 9:00. All I had to do was fill out a form and watch the two propoganda films. I actually read Suetonius through them, but perked up at this sentence: "Trial by jury is so successful that even some former communist countries have adopted the practice!" [image of 'Czechoslovakia' on a map]. Wow.. even heathens do it! "And do you know why? Because it WORKS!"

Then they put us on break. By the time we came back the single case we were summoned for had been resolved. God bless America.

Then I skipped Spanish with Scarlett and we went to the beach, where I saw a pelican carcass washed up on shore. Romantic.

When I was on a walk this morning in the rich-people neighborhood that surrounds campus, I saw something really absurd. I passed by a woman in a pink velour sweatsuit pushing an empty stroller. Then, I noticed that inside the mesh storage space underneath the stroller seat was a tiny yorkie with one of those no-bite collars on. I gave the women a thumbs up, and she explained that "he broke his leg". Then, she walked into her hoity-toity gated community. weird.

Also, after having passed a construction site, a man told me I "look pretty". I turned around and gave him a prolonged dirty glare through my mary-kate sunglasses. "What? I said you look pretty!". I didn't know how to explain: women are not objects for men's pleasure, thus your comment was not a compliment but an insult. Maybe I should just carry around business cards with that crap on it.

I also found a quickly ripening grapefruit tree & picked up some fruit from it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FCGIORDA 11/8/2007 9:11PM

    Gah, I am soooo jealous that you can skip class and go to the BEACH!!!!! I'm in grad school in Buffalo NY and it is just gross here during the winter...

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Pro Fat Chicks!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Today, my college held the Midnight Debates, a traditional presidential debate where candidates and a hand-picked panel of hecklers are drunk and ridiculous. I stood up for fat people at it tonight.

There are two students here, J. and C., who are conspicuous and well-known for their shock schtick. They love to piss people off. And they ran as 'joke candidates' this year.

Their campaign during the week leading up to the debates consisted of a platform which included, among other "crazy, random" things, "No fat chicks". I don't mean to condemn shock comedy, and I think it's actually a great tool to get people to question the norm, but I had a problem with this particular joke.

So for a week I've been expressing my distaste for their platform and their joke. I raised a question at the initial debates about the topic: "How do you expect to win fat women's votes with a platform that includes No Fat Chicks?". They responded with an over-the-top insistance that fat women should have no right to vote, and that fat women would be expelled from school if they got in power. Later on, another candidate made a point to stress his "pro-fat chicks" stance. I had triggered a dialogue. I was happy!

Tonight, at the midnight debates, they brought it up again. I knew it was coming. And when it came out of J. and C.'s mouths, I blew up! I actually began screeching "F!&% YOU!!!" repeatedly at the top of my lungs (that's quite loud, mind you). People were shocked, and I had all the attention for a while. (I know some may be offended by this, but this was an un-chaperoned event and the students at my school are radically liberal. This offended nobody, and it was necessary for the shock value!). After my loud, lengthy outburt, there was a flood of applause. My face was purple and I was out of breath, but I couldn't stop smiling. For the rest of the night, the other candidates stressed their "pro-fat chicks" platforms.

I am proud to have made people question fat hate and fat acceptance. I believe it is a very important issue, and it is one that has radically influenced my ENTIRE life, and made me who I am today. I'm glad that the audience at the debates tonight know there is at least one crazy girl who is standing up for fat rights. Yeah!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FCGIORDA 11/8/2007 10:58AM

    I, too, am here to give you props. Big props, actually. It is SO IMPORTANT for people to stand up and say I AM A PERSON, not just a funny prop for you to make fun of. I'm actually glad that you used profanity! There are few situations in life where it is REALLY necessary (and this is coming from someone who talks like a sailor) and this was definitely one of them. I just wanted to say too that you spoke not only for the people in that room but for me, too, and for all women, really. Because what they are really saying when they say "no fat chicks" is "women must please us no matter what," and that is unacceptable. SO I will remember your example and any time anyone is making fun of "fat chicks" I will think of your courage. Thank you.

Also wanted to say that you look really cute in your "toy store" picture! I LOVE shirtwaist dresses and yours is adorable! (and ps I found you on the "inner demons" message board)

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PJFUNNYBUNNY61 11/6/2007 1:10PM

  I have to give you props for what you did. Most of us just cower away when anything controversial comes along. I must admit I might have ran and hid :-) I do believe that being rude to "fat" people is the last accepted form of "ism" around. You can't say this, you can't say that...but you can still make fun of fat people with abandon. And it's not just fun, sometimes it's downright cruel. No matter what my size, I'll always be "fat" inside. :-)

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