Thursday, November 11, 2010
Mom had been in a downward spiral as of the games on Saturday, like I said. She and I argued because her expressing to her boys the way she was about the games (win or loss) was not, in my mind the healthiest. I got into all that on that blog. Sunday came and went, Monday came and went, Tues I get a call to go over there at 10 am to check on her. Went over, she was bad off, took my bottlefeeding puppy, got her to take some of her medicine, and stayed with her (She is and was discussing doing things to herself to stop being such a burden on myself and on dad, and being a 'bad' mother to the boys. ) On top of her heart stuff, diabetes, the psuedoseizures, bi polar, and ptsd, along with the replaced knee and arthritis and chronic pain, she is just tired. Dreaming a lot of the abuse when she was a child and lashing out, in her ways.
Cleaned house there, stayed all day with her. Had to leave her to pick up my girls, and her boys off the bus and take her boys to karate. Only to have her calling me as I ran them, saying she was alone and scared and was going to do something, so I dropped the boys off and ran back to her, after calling my dad, who was on his way home from work, and telling him I was scared she was going to have another seizure.
JJ heard her saying the things about wanting to end herself. How terrifying for a 9 year old girl who I have sheltered from most of the 'bad' side of things, to hear. Spent Tues night taking brothers to football, and letting Daddy tend to momma. He is more capable of it, then I am. And she tends to not be so overly overly with him.
Come home, clean my house, do suppers, (I did my workout while mom was sleeping in between deep cleaning) finish up homework go to bed, take care of puppy when he wakes up, get up..
Wens Mom had outpatient, the needle blockers for her headache. Monday she had went to her psych who gave her new pysch meds to add to our listing of medications, but she hadn't picked them up. Went and got them for her after the procedure, and brought her home, cleaned house a bit, put up laundry, she was scared to be alone and thank god, Husband was off, so he took care of puppy while I was out with momma all day.
and thank god, last night after I picked up our house from not being home again, and did supper, and all that, he watched puppy for me, so I could sleep in my bed for the first time in like a week, and get a full night without waking up sleep.
Today I was supposed to go donate plasma (I donate because I am RH neg and the plasma is used to make the shot for other mothers who might have RH neg incompatibility) and go with Ron to do something outside of caretaking. Get a phone call at 7 am.
"I thought you were going to give blood. I am alone, your dad got the boys on the bus. I had nightmares all night. I feel really distant, and I took a full pill of the new meds, instead of a half of one because it was to much of a bother to cut it in half, but its not working right away. No no, don't NOT go do your things, I will be fine, sitting here, let me babysit puppy. I mean the voices in my head were telling me, that I could rip its head off and then we could see if it could be reattached, but its just voices, I don't listen to them!" (Before you freak out on that, honestly, the 'voices" aren't outside her, but inside, and basically the ones that say "DON'T DO THAT, that's mean, or hahah no one will know!" only hers are cracked out.)
I say, "Mom, seriously, give me a bit to get dressed, I'm cancel my stuff, you need to realize your mind medications don't work as instant cures and there is a reason they tell you to take them like you do"
"Well..I DIDN'T KNOW AND DON'T CANCEL YOUR PLANS, I DON'T WANT TO BE THE REASON FOR THAT! I AM FINE ALL ALONE I AM FINE!"
So, yeah. I guess today, its 8 am and I won 100 points on the sparkwheel, and am staying on track and not letting emotions or just that empty feeling you get when you are getting tired of going through motions, make me eat. I am making my own choices. And I know in a week, she will swing out of this cycle and into the next, which is more 'manageable"
And I know Dad can't afford to come home and miss anymore work to take care of her, and as her daughter, there is some duty there to take care of her when I can, to try to make things easier on the family unit. Tending to my brothers, making sure they know none of this is their fault, and none of it is normal persay.
And I know, later, when I am not so "JESUS WHAT NOW, JUST ONE FREAKING DAY COME ON!" and wanting to scream at the sky, this blog will sound super bitchy, and heartless in comparison to how I really am.
But I need to vent it out.
I am upset. I am hurt. I am..and there is the phone again.
She said she called dad and told him that she took a full one of the pills, but he said for me to go ahead and do what I was going to do, that she would be fine, and sounded great! I know she didn't tell him 'all' of what is going on, and frankly I am nervous to call him and tell him all of what she just told me. Hell I will probably delete this blog, out of feeling bad about posting up her business as such.
Husband stays out of these 'dramas' because the mental side of it, he doesn't know how to deal with it, and he is of two minds with it.
And you know I looked on sparkpeople to see if there was a team for "taking care of someone with a mental disorder" like but didn't find one! Living with someone who has a mental issue maybe? I don't know.
Excited about the games this weekend, terrified of how momma is going to do at them. Super excited about my girls activities and my volunteer stuff outside of all of it. SUPER jazzed about staying committed, and no, I haven't been perfect but I am clawing my way to under 300. And that in and of itself makes me see, I am and have not, this time, given up on me, to take care of others.
Have a great day! Going to figure out mine, then pull my head out of my "but but but I am tired, and I don't want to be nice today!" behind, and get to work on being giving, loving, compassionate, kind and strong.
-added after phone calls-
Dad said when he talked to her she sounded fine, and was joking to him about pulling my chain about hurting the animals. He can only go off of what she says, and for me to go about my daily schedule until we hear from her, that she feels worse. He is so tired and I feel so much for him, because it's wearing on him. And it's just getting out of this cycle and into the next one and giving the new meds time to work, and the new therapist, and the new dr's for pain management, and for the headaches.
So me. I am going to go work out, and then decide what my course of action for the day is. Daddy told her not to be in the house, because when she sits alone in their house idle minds and all, but the new medication she isn't supposed to drive on. So I guess I could ask her if she wanted to go about with me today, and watch over her while I do my stuff?
I could just take a day, chill out, ask her to come over here, clean my own house. :D
Let's see how I feel about it, after the work out.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Been busy. (it's starting to sound like a tagline for my movie poster, isn't it!) Playoff games on Saturday, both girls cheering for their teams that their uncles were on. My little brother lost his (but will be playing on Sat for third or fourth place in his division) the older brother won, so they will be playing in the Super Bowl this Saturday for first or second place. Last week for the girls cheer, then we have the cheer sleep over and banquet. Starting working today on the video for that.
Birthday party for one of my bestest friends little girl's yesterday. Baby (the puppy) is doing well, but still nervous to name him. They did ask what I was doing to him, that he is thriving so well, and since this week his eyes open, and next week god willing his ears should open. He is gaining his 5 to 10% of his weight daily as he should, and is adorable, love him so much. Husband told them "She gets up every two hours day or night to wipe him, make him potty, love on him, and see if he wants to eat." Husband is wanting to name him Thor..but with our accents it comes out Thora darlin but I want him to be named Titan or Porthos!
Been doing my drills, tracking my sleep. Doing my workouts and yeah, slacking on the tracking which THIS WEEK I am dedicating myself to it. Why, you ask?
I AM 304!!! Thats right, if you read back like I had gotten up to 348 then lost some before spark, now I am on that cusp to leaving the 300's, and I am so utterly jazzed by it. I stepped to weigh today and literally just started dancing, my husband was cracking up, even the girls started dancing with me.
Soon, I will be able to not see that 3 at the start. And to me that's an amazing kinda thing.
Moms medication is lining out, now Saturdays games, those were a bad time to be around her. To much stress, and she hit a bi polar dip. But things line out eventually, it's just weathering the storms of it.
Holidays are coming!Lining out our lists for made, bought, and all that stuff. Making Jesse tree quilts for our family with the girls illustrations, and Jesse tree ornaments for our friends who they are suited for. Lining out our Holiday lists and the girls and I have a charity function or volunteer function a week starting on Thanksgiving.
Got to finish up the cheer video, but wanted to share the news with you all!!!!!!
did I mention 304????? :D
And! my baby girl is upset I haven't put pictures up of her 'baby'
304 304 304 and soon.....so close to soon......................
Under 300 .
Just thinking about it, makes me glow.
Thank you guys, without your support and love, I don't think I would have made it this far. You inspire me. You keep me moving, and the friendships, they keep me logging in on the days, I wouldn't even feel like it, or want to.
Friday, November 05, 2010
Ok. Need to start LOGGING my food. I have been writing it down, in my notebook, but not on Spark. BIG no no for me. Work out's are getting done, and my drills for BLC challenge, also, logging my sleep, but not real happy with myself for slacking off as far as logging what I am eating. Tomorrow, that changes.
So, what have I been up to? Mom has had two really bad days this week. Today they adjusted her medication, as well as her insulin (Not the same dr adjusting both :P ) so we can try to get a handle on what her body is going through, and stop the seizures and the ups and downs that come with her other issues. Tomorrow football games...
Cheerleading practice, and well....
Showing pictures just cause.
Husband and I took a day and went hiking. This is a picture I took of him and our Zander Kain.
Then we like I said, got a puppy. The mother had 13 to start, one passed. She had to be given a c-section and for the others to have a chance to thrive (There are some issues with her milk not coming in fully) we adopted this little angel, which I still haven't named. Feedings and bathroom wipes every two hours, so :) its alot like having a brand new little one in the house!
Been so busy with him, and love him so much. Please send your prayers to him and his litter mates !
And one of my bestest has kept me motivated to get my Loremaster done on WoW. Got it today, he and I dinged it at the same time.
So. More dedication to my work outs. More DEDICATION and CONVICTION to logging my food again, so my backside knows I am keeping myself accountable and truthful to myself.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
10 o clock and all is well!
45 minutes of high impact cardio. Whoot whoot. I was a bit turned off by her "Pop your booty pop that booty, you like it, I like it, awww yeah baby! " constantly but, lol, over all it was a great work out. 740 calories gone!
Leg work out, three sets, 15 reps of each. Working back up to four sets of 15 reps.
Need someone to kick my backside to make sure I log my suppers. The three weeks slacking means I have fallen out of the habit.
At three thousand steps out of my five thousand goal today, which makes me cheer!
What works for me, because I need to lay it out in print. I am back. And while the last three weeks havent been gains, they haven't been weeks I lost in either, and that is ok. This is a lifestyle change, not a diet, not a fad, and life happens. As I keep changing how I deal with life and its effect on what I put in my mouth and how I stay active will change more as well:
Cardio 4 times a week at least 30 minutes.
Strength training 6 days a week.
Making sure I get more then five miles walked in a week, on top of the cardio.
Try not to eat anything processed. Whole foods.
Healthy carbs, cut out the refined sugars, and white bread/rice.
Lean meat. Need protien at every meal.
Watch my fat intake, and make sure that I track every bite, every lick, and every spoon full of food that comes between my lips.
I need to stay involved with my charities and volunteer work, as well as keeping my duties to family at the level, I expect from myself. This helps me feel tied in, and glowing. My level of dedication to my girl's of course, is unquestioned, as well as to my family, and it's something I do put a ton of weight on.
I need to remember to take at least 15 minutes a day, to myself, for meditiation and to take in those deep cleansing breathes. Because focus is important, and I need to know that it is alright and acceptable for me to take that time as just mine!
Work outs are done, steps still have to be completed. Doing the drills with times for the BLC challenge, yay! And I need to get cracking on getting the house cleaned up a bit more, laundry done, and start lining out our Christmas stuff. The girl's have to make one present to buy a present for someone, so it is always better to start that before Thanksgiving. All about teaching them, it's not about what you -get- but what you give someone else, in the way of love, time, compassion and understanding. Harder lessons for little one's, and I hate how commercial the holidays can be. Part of me, want's to say "Lets do three presents and stockings tops, and girls the extra money we can give to help feed folks who might not have meals this month" But I know my husband will have an issue with it.
Husband had to take my car today, his truck is giving him issues, so stuck home which in a way on a stormy raining day like this is a blessing, cause it means I can get some deep cleaning done. Things were so busy after I was sick, that now it seems like my house isn't my house, but this hotel we have been hanging out at. By the end of the day, it will be 'home' again. Glee!!!!!!
Hope you guys have an awesome day!!!!
Monday, November 01, 2010
Update on the baby.
One of my brother's girlfriends paid his bail. He will still have a court date for these charges and be spending time. But to obstruct the girl being given to one of his family members, he refused the paternity test, claiming that she isnt his. The mother of the child, who is preg, again, will be serving a stiff sentence for drug use. By his refusal to take the paternity test, since he isn't listed on the birth certificate it basically makes it to where, legally our side of the family has no claim to the baby, so that her sister (who has agreed to live with my brother) will more then likely be awarded custody of the child, until the time that she IF she is considered unfit.
Right now, I don't know how to feel. I want to puke, want to be upset, but can't. One cannot change the way that certain thing's play out, but that the baby might suffer because of my brothers mental condition just makes me want to scream at the sky. He is convinced that out of the 10 children he has, the fact that he sees only -this- baby, and has been forbidden by the mothers of his other ones to see them, or has had them taken away (IE my little brothers/nephews mom and dad are raising) is some ploy that everyone want's his children.
Honestly, I know in the end I will end up crying about it later on today. Crying that he and I came from the same womb, but I was given from family to family while he was kept with our mom, because he came from a diffrent father. A lot of his traits, a lot of his issues with his childhood, we had the same ones, and I thank god, that something in me clicked and I wanted better for my children, I wanted to give them things I didn't have. No beatings, noone touching them, not having to watch as things happen that most folks only see in movies, no wondering if mommy or daddy was ever going to come home and when they did, who it would be with. No doing drugs at 4, cause the parent's thought it was 'cute' to get you stoned. It hurts me, to see him where he is, doing what he is, behaving how. It pains me, that there is my baby brother, when were little, and the things happened, I would have him hide under me, I would take whatever I could so he wouldn't have to, and he just doesn't see that he is doing the same things to his own children as far as the abuse, as far as the abandonment goes. He blames so much on Mom and the things she did, on his past, on our past. But she doesn't drink or use anymore. She has her issues, but she is no where near the person she was 15 years ago. And he is almost 30, there comes that time, where you accept where you came from, and put your chin up, and not let things define you.
And it saddens me, her pain with watching it, knowing she feels responsible for so much of what he does. I keep saying "There is a time and place, Mom, where you have to lay down what has happened to you, where you become an adult, and you move past it, and decide where you will go. " She deals on a daily basis with the abuse that happened to her as a child. More so now that she isn't self medicating, and when she tries to apologize for the things, for doing the same to us..I tell her not to give me words, but keep giving me actions, in how she loves my little brothers . In giving them the childhood that she wasn't able to give us. And I pray, I pray for me to be able to let go of this anger towards my brother, and for him to be able to see, it is never to late to -stop- what you are doing and start to be the person you -want- to be. Somethings there are no excuses for.
It amazes me. Not in a positive way, but in a gut shattering type of way, that women still breed with him. That folk's, the one's that follow his rapping and the like, really feel he has gotten screwed over, or that somewhere, 7 diffrent mothers, and many judges have said "You are not suitable to raise a child, due to your lifestyle choices, and drug use."
In other news..
Rea's tooth. Have to wait til the swelling goes down before they can get in there and see what we have to do. Four of the baby teeth were knocked loose, one perm was knocked to the side, but it will grow in straight, god willing. The one that is chipped in half, that one will need a faux tooth to replace, but we cannot do anything with it, until the tooth comes all the way in. She still won't take tyenol for it, even with the lip and nose busted up as is, and we are watching it for signs of infection.
The gift bags! I made a note about it yesterday, but omg! the girls reaction and the patients reactions as they gave them those bags, it warmed my heart, it made my soul dance! They (my girls) said "Momma can we do this every holiday, please!" Parents cried, the kids who got the treat bags just..they smiled, and with all the moniters and IV's to see them give the same smile any kid gives while trick or treating, just made us all glow.
Halloween was a BLAST. 20 foot trailer and hay, and the kids and my best buddy's with 3 hours of hayrackriding trick or treating. Honestly, it revived me, I was so worn out from the last two weeks, that having that great time, and seeing how much the girls loved the costumes I made them, made it sparkle. Momma is doing really well, we are monitering her emotional levels and trying to keep her on task and par, but she was a trooper this weekend, and no seizures so YAY!
It's my day off. The one I have been dreaming about. And to make it even more wonderful its FINALLY raining here!!! Its been so dry, the burn ban, and the fires, its just great to feel the rain. And I got my scrapbooking done this morning, as well as picking up the house from the mayham of the last two weeks.
Arm work out today.
TRACKING every bite of food that goes in my mouth, and believe me, I can feel how slack I have been in the last two weeks. It's like starting all over all again, and while in some ways that saddens me, it also makes me glow, because I know in a few weeks of eating right, at the right times, the right things, and working out like I was, I will be that ball of energy again!
Putting some pictures up, and going to be doing some catch up on the things I have missed the few weeks.
Its about progress, not perfection.
Do I eat, because of the craziness in my life? I used to. Do I chose to see thing's most of the time with Pollyanna glasses? Yes. Can I be realistic and cynical sometimes? Of course. Those things are me. What do I do? I live life, because life is for the living, and you can't expect more then what you give away, in love. And my life? It is full of love, and for that, I want to stress, no matter what I might blog about, how blessed I am.
Putting a solo pic of R up here, cause I had shown off J's Harely Quinn I made, so! showing off her red riding hood, that I finished up yesterday. Then a girls and their uncle picture just because!
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