Friday, January 11, 2013
So I got up with the girls got them off on their bus, then ate my breakfast, took my fiber, did a little dance, made a little ..scarf! (what did you think I was going to say there!)
Seriously though, got some exercise in after eating my healthy breakfast, nom nom.
Last night I was reading a article here on Spark, which basically said to think of yourself as a product, keep a journal and each night, name at least five things you did *right* or in a manner you were proud of, each day. Eventually that record keeping will help you stop the negative thoughts about yourself, or the abuse. Since I already keep a journal of what I eat (paper and pen, remember those strange things before the keyboard became how we wrote?) and what exercise I do, and how I feel, I am adding that listing every night.
Funny thing is?
I feel guilty writing down anything I feel I did well!
How revealing is that statement? That it makes me feel ashamed or 'bad' to write down positive things about myself, or that I see in a good light.
Just lead into that thought process that has been going on for a few years now. Those mulled over in the dark statements, that we all do, I am sure.
When did I stop believing in myself?
I ask that, because I used to believe like a child does, that one can accomplish and do *anything* they put their mind to. I am a fighter, a survivor, and even after listing everything I have done, or survived, everything I have accomplished that others thought I could not, at some point, I gave up that *fight*.
I cannot even pinpoint when I did. When I stopped believing I could reach the stars, and started just 'getting by', doing enough that I didn't feel I was spinning tires, or going through motions, but not that extra that I used to do, that made me as a person, as a woman feel inspired.
Somewhere, in the last 10 years, I started believing less in myself. Started making excuses, and validating those excuses. This isn't about the weight, but about every day life. That hill, that slow decline from being brave and pushing my own limits, in stretching myself, had to have started small. An excuse or a thought here or there, that slowly snowballed, until there are very few things, that I will admit to doing 'well'.
If you ask my best friend, she would tell you that I should write a novel, the next best novel, that would touch hearts and allow folks to see a bit of themselves in the strangers you pass.
If you ask her husband, he would say I should be a comedian. Tell my life with that flavored taste I have.
My husband ? He would tell you, there is not a thing in this world, that if I wanted to do it, that I could not Master. (except for beating him at a video game. Let's be honest, he is right about that!)
My daughters? They have said it, that they believe I am capable of anything, from building a house from scratch, to saving starving children with a hug and a kiss on the head.
So then, even with amazing support, with folks that believe in me, does it drive me nuts to have faith in *myself*.
And I have to say, that writing it out there, is painful and cleansing in it's own way. Accountability, which is a huge part of why I blogged, why I share the thoughts in my head here. It has to be apart of the journey for me, so I can sit down and look back on the touch points, of my own path here, and break the cycles I put myself in!
That being said. Time to practice what I preach to the girls. There is no *can't*. There may be "I will." "I am going to" "This might suck, but this is what I am going to achieve" and then there is *doing* it, and not knocking how long it takes to get there, or how many times I fall down while doing it.
With anything, there is only failure, when I stop trying. Every other time, is just practice. And well, practice makes perfection, as beautifully flawed as that perfection might be.
Nothing perfect, is perfect because it isn't flawed, but because of the flaws that make it perfect for the person who loves it.
Friday, January 11, 2013
How funny. It's been almost a year since I have blogged, and it's nearly the *same* type of blog. "I am back, I am embarassed, I am ashamed I am heavier then I was, after KNOWING what worked, etc etc"
Maybe I should treat this like it's a warning blog DUN DUN DUN!
*******WARNING! DO NOT BE LIKE ME IN THIS! ******
But if you are and do, know you are adored, and it doesn't make you a failure, or anything other then absolutely human, and beautiful in your flaws. We all take our own time to learn things, and realize our own patterns.
I had come back and started working out again and tracking those calories, in July of last year, secretly, quietly,(like a ninja!) under the radar, using the tools, pushing myself (punishing myself) with restrictions and trying to move things a mile of minute, to see those results I wanted to see again. Long story short, I had torn two tendons in my ankle completely and broken the bone, (silly me, when you weigh as much as I did then, I should have realized jump kick jump kick, jump kick, punch should be saved for video games, and not for "Let's get on this RIGHT NOW!" you know, like someone sane would do..slowly starting back up on their fitness routine!)
So que the Dr's visits, and being in a cast then boot, on bedrest for around 6 months all total. It hasn't healed completely and the tendon isnt knitting right, but the idea of surgery is terrifying to me, and honestly the kicker?
I know that the issue is compounded by my weight, the things that need to knit, cannot knit, because I have added such a huge amount of weight on myself with my eating while I was on bed rest, with that same self punishment that I put on myself when I am being "good" and when I am being "bad".
Sleeping in boot is miserable. Being in one for so long, is horrid too! And stinks! and is poo! and I cannot believe, looking back, how depressed I was, for most of those months. How the sunlight just recently broken, to where I feel more myself again.
Cold hard facts, are sometimes the one's that wound the worst, when you really sit and think about them. More to the point, they sometimes provide that *lightbulb* that you need. And lord knows I needed a lightbulb instant.
Can I say, weighing in on the 2nd of this year, was one of those cleansing cries, one of those where you mourn what you cannot change, and accept those things you can change, and gain the perspective to change them, not in an emotional fit but out of want, with conviction.
Sadly, I feel like that saying "Do you how the woman lost 1000 lbs? " "By losing 50 and putting on 75, then losing 100 then putting on 125 and so on and so forth."
- There is no magic pill. This takes work, it takes dedication, it takes sweat and tears and more then anything, it takes someone loving themselves, to the point they are willing to devote in that time.
- I am going to fall again, and I will get back up and not beat myself up.
- My self worth and my love of myself, does not depend on that number on a scale, or the jiggle when I laugh. I am grateful daily for that fact.
- Losing it is simple if you think about the METHOD, but I am not about losing, I am about making changes to become healthier as a lifestyle change. Not as a punishment regime, or setting myself up to fail.
- Burn more calories then I take in, in a healthy manner. No exercise for punishment, no not eating enough calories, or the *RIGHT* kind of calories.
- Remember that -this- isn't the end all be all to life. Life is what happens all the time, this is something that like any other thing I want to change, cannot consume or overshadow the things about me that I love.
- Have fun, but be safe. Amazingly I am not superwoman. (Or wonderwoman, although her outfit would be fabulous in about a year!)
-Be vigiliant. Track what you eat, think about it, and make sure you move, even if it's just a walk, even if it's dancing to a song at the start of every hour. Eventually, those things WILL pay off, like they have a few times before. Eventually you will be able to train like you used to (barring your whole image of beating yourself up while doing it!)
That all being said and out there!
My ankle is still horrid. But you know what? I will take my time and get back to where I was. I will move, and treat it with respect, but not coddle it, or allow it to be an excuse.
I was at my highest weight ever, only 2 weeks ago. Now, I am 14 lbs down from there (holding off on adjusting the tracker, until another week has passed, because I like weighing daily and averaging those weights!)
And I missed ya'll! I even came and lurked for a few of you, read up on how you were, and was amazed at your strengths, and your achievements!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Today, I do that thing I do.
I start over. This time though, I have to be honest, I don't have that massive bravado, or the kick butt conviction. More so I have an understanding, that I am taking it one day at a time. One small step, and while my pride is wounded and confidence is more then shaken, I am accepting the fact that I -need- to be accountable, that hiding out, is only robbing me of the support that Spark brings.
On 9-21-2011 I hit 310. Today I weighed, and it was 335. Back in May? I was 275. Oh and how I loved those 2anythings!
Rather then start over with a new name, (which was totally a thought for a second), just to cover up my own embarassment, I realized I couldn't at all, lose the contact with the amazing folks I have had the chance, heck, the BLESSING to meet here.
Cutting down on teams. And totally understand those who needed to let go of me, during my abscence. It's been a emtional roller coaster here, and honestly, I -made- the choice at some point just to fall back on old habits, on old coping tools, that aren't really tools at all. Instead they are just tiny posioned daggers that let me 'deal' for the moment, and attempt to ignore the huge pile that is waiting to take its payment out. Delay, Delay, Delay.
So here we go one more time, going over where I am, what I am thinking, and setting out those goals. Hopefully my blog tomorrow will be absolutely more clear minded.
Missed you all. Needed you, and the worst part is that feeling where you come back, head lowered, going "Dang it..I did it again.."
And special thank you, to the person (you know who you are!) who sent out that lifeline. Who reminded me, what I was pushing away because of my own stall out. Love you!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Alright so this is how it starts. I get distracted, maybe overwhelmed with things going on within my life, with life itself in some regards. How things aren't exactly how I planned them, how depsite best intentions I just don't feel I am measuring up.
And I start to slip. Just a bit at first, and it's totally innocent, or it appears that way. You know what I mean..I start to have two helpings of one of my favorite foods. I whisper to myself "Man you have been working so hard go ahead sleep in late today, you can catch that work out tomorrow." Then that mind set, along with "What does it matter if I do x,y or z, it isn't going to make r, s, t any better, or make a magical fairy come poop glitter on me!"
Now we are in a bit more then 'slip' on this slope. I look at this as I had this huge amount of weight to loss, to be healthier, being thinner, being more fit is an enrichment to my life, it isn't a magic fix, that is going to have that pooping glitter fairy sprinkle magic dust and undo things I have done, choices I have made, or any part of my past. So this mountain to personal enrichment I am climbing, to this healthier, more capable me, is that, a mountain and sometimes I need to rest on a ledge, and catch my breath, let all those small steps sink in. See how far I have come already.
This was more then just sitting on that ledge. I backtracked, because all those little things, all those sweet little lies I was happily letting myself believe started to wear at me. "Oh well, taking a week off is alright.." and for me, that week turned into a few, which has turned into a "Gods, I am going to be starting all over!" Did I backtrack completely? NO, so this isn't failure, it's a learning process, like most things in life.
More importantly, I wanted to share it because I think sometimes, we tend to think everything is black or white. Fail or pass. That we get on here and either we struggle struggle, or we WIN WIN! And that isn't the case. Sometimes we are just what we all are, which is learning new habits, and changing our lifes those small steps at a time, and in any change there are days where its just BAM I get THIS...
And there are times and periods where its "Ok, I want this, and even though I really am not FEELING like doing it, I am sticking it out, sucking it up, and pushing through."
So I can't say my Spark Fire is burning brightly. But what I can say is I have told myself enough. Got up, set my game plan, put on that 'game' face, and forced through my workout this morning. Planned my meals for the day. And set my goals. Don't worry, I will blog them for the public eye tomorrow.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Like honestly right now, I smell. And even after over a year of spark, and working out a lot, I still hate the after effects of sweating, not the effect while you are getting down into it, while you are making muscles burn, or the sensation of sweet, hot sun on your skin. Those sensations I adore. I love the feeling of knowing my body is a machine, and that I can push it a bit farther then I could the week before. I love the feeling you get, when you do something you once thought you couldn't, even if it is something others might take for granted. Something as simple as touching your toes, or being able to almost put your chin on your knee when you are stretching.
But the after effect, like when you don't have the whole BO thing going on, but you do have that sticky kinda sour smell on you. Like you have, I don't know, put in some manual work.
The last two weeks, I haven't really blogged, haven't really felt compelled to, or more then anything, like I didn't have anything positive to say, or anything negative. More like a big ball of apathy which in some cases, leads to bitterness. Or is just a feeling, just a sensation, which doesn't need a lot read into it.
Been super busy. Sometimes I have three extra girls, sometimes, I have five, some days six extra all total. Which means a lot of cleaning, a lot of cooking, a lot of patience, and a lot of pre planning entertainment, so that they stay active and don't get bored. Throw in, two large dogs, and one chinchilla, and a husband who has been working a LOT of hours, and you get insta fun! Then add in a bit of "new house, where drive way isn't done, and then mega three days of rain! Look at the mud and sticky fun!" and bake in three days of indoors, mud being tracked in and out, and a bit of exhaustion on the CEO of such an group, along with a mother who just had major back surgery, and now has a staph infection and you have a general formula for my life right in this instant.
In the last two weeks,
I have worked 6 hours, pushing, pulling and prodding on various cars stuck in the drive even after they were told not to go up it. I have carried my mom down the 600 foot stretch of lovely mud, to her car. I have shot a copper head from my back porch. I have chased down a dog, barefoot through four acres, of sweetly squishy land, and fallen face first right before grabbing him. Bathed him outside before he could go on in, after. I have prepared over 300 meals and snacks, if you count them by portions. I have been up late with one who was sick, been on call for another who was sick in another house. I have cleaned. I have washed more laundry then I thought would be possible, and scrubbed more dishes then normal.
I have doctored a cut in the roof of one daughter's mouth, and laughed (I AM HORRIBLE) when my eldest got stung on the backside by a wasp. I even chuckled when I sunk down in a bit of mud to my knees, and fell face first for the second time this week. I changed a blow out on the side of the highway for someone.
And that's just what I can think of, besides the normal every day stuff that a stay at home mom does. You know, the grocery shopping, cleaning, entertainment providing, counseling, cooking, and being the taxi for those who have places to go. In between sparking and trying to keep my head above water as far as my eating habits go.
I have still been in that major kinda funk. Something mega major happens, and I go "Eh it will be alright, let's see how we can fix it/change it/make it easier to tolerate." I look at the progress I have made and judge it, by where I 'think' I should be, always discounting what I have done so far. Not just with Spark but with my own life. I don't think habits remain far from one realm of your life, or another.
Anyhow! That being said. I did lose five lbs from the first week of BLC. I have stuck to making sure I get in my ten minute increments this week, even if I made everyone zumba with me, in the front room, and they looked at me like I was the Kool-Aid man busting in.
And tomorrow, tomorrow?
I have no kids but my own. (Sounds so weird to type that! I love my little ones who I get the joy of tending to.) But I get to focus on getting the mud picked up, getting these blankets and things washed. I get to sleep in. I do need to run over and check on my Momma at some point and need to sit down and go over the lesson plans for the kids I have next week. (Yeap, I so do the whole we learn even if we aren't in school thing.) And run to the library to pick up a few of the things we will need for that. But for the most part, if I spend the afternoon in the pool at my Moms, or curled up on the couch at home watching total girly movies with my little ones, and eating some air popped pop corn, I am SO not stressing it.
Tonight I think we are going to splurge (gasp!) and go grab something to eat. I wish I could tell you, that I am going to aim for something healthy, something reinitializing fresh. But honestly, if I don't have to cook it, serve it, or have to do the dishes after, I am SO not complaining about what it is.
Devil ain't gonna get my smile.
I used to laugh, when my granny would say that, when everything would go a bit wonky.
But danged if I totally don't understand what she meant by it.
No matter what happens, what funky monkey, act of happiness terrorism happens to me. I am going to keep my joy, laugh it off, shrug those shoulders, and flash the biggest, most brightest smile I can. Because I know something. That tomorrow whatever happened yesterday isn't going to be as painful as it is right now, as hard as it is right now. The day after, it will get a bit better, and by next year? I won't even remember all the details.
Bwahahah! Hope you guys have a FANTASTIC, GREAT, AMAZING day.
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