Saturday, March 10, 2012
Weighed in today. Lost 3.5 more pounds. That's 33.5 all together. We're leaving for Vegas in the morning. I'm excited for the vacation but I'm terrified of destroying all my good work. I don't want to diet on vacation. But I'm hoping I can manage to watch what I eat a little bit at least. Last summer when I started dieting, I lost 22 pounds and then went on vacation. I only gained a pound back that week but for some reason never got back on track. I'm scared of doing that again. I don't think I will. But I really don't want to gain like 5 pounds back and have to re-lose it again. That's the most frustrating thing! Mostly I don't want to spend my vacation feeling guilty every time I splurge. I mean...it is vacation! It's supposed to be fun. For me eating is fun. Obviously. You don't get over 300 pounds if you don't enjoy eating! Anyway, I'm going to do my best to balance both enjoying my vacation and not completely over indulging. Wish me luck!
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Well yesterday's weigh in wasn't good. I basically stayed the same. I know...at least I didn't gain...blah blah blah. I said all that crap to myself yesterday, and a thousand times before. I am so sick of not getting the results that I think I deserve. I work so hard. So very hard. I exercised like a beast all week! I did pretty darn good on my calories. And still...disappointment. I shouldn't let the scale dictate how I fell...blah blah blah again. Heard it all, said it all. I know what I'm doing is good for me. I know I'm getting healthier. But at 280 pounds, I feel like the weight should be coming off better at this point. You know, before my 'diet' I was eating easily between 3 and 4 thousand calories every single day! Now I usually keep it under 2000. You would think that alone would make a vast difference. But nope, not for me. Eat a fry, gain 10 pounds. I don't think I can live my life like this. I can't spend my every day with this gnawing ever present in my stomach. I can' t get up and make myself do these uncomfortable work outs. I can't keep doing it if I'm not also reaping the weight related benefits, you know, the benefits I can actually see! Even my inches aren't going down a lot. The thing is, I can't give anymore than I've already been giving. I can't cut more calories. I can't exercise harder. I've already been giving all I can. The only thing I haven't already given is "up". But I just don't know how much more disappointment I can take.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I lost 4 pounds this week! Wow! I'm now down 30 pounds. I can't believe that I'm really doing this. It's so hard but it's so wonderful. I only wish that I didn't have such a negative attitude. About 5 minutes after the fantastic news I started wondering: Does this mean I'll have a bad weigh in next week? Why can't I just stay happy and positive? Don't get me wrong. I am so very proud of myself and grateful to have lost. But I just wait for bad news. I'm scared every minute that this is when I mess it up. 30 pounds is the most I've ever lost on a diet. I guess I feel like this is some sort of defining moment. Will I be able to break the 30 pound mark for the first time? Or will I fail? I don't think I'll fail. Deep down I know that this is what I want to be doing. I still have so much more to lose. I have no choice but to keep going. I've never felt so good about myself. I can't let this feeling fade. I WON'T let anything keep me down. Not even myself. I'm doing this. I AM!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
After two weeks of gaining, even while doing everything right, I finally lost this week! I lost the 2.5 pounds I had recently gained. Plus another .5 pound. I'm so relieved to be going in the right direction again. But my happiness is dampened because I immediately start wondering if this next weigh in I'll gain again. I have scale obsession. I know I do and I know I should just stop weighing in every week. But I swear, it's an addiction! I HAVE to get my weekly fix. I have to know. If the numbers go down, it just makes me so euphorically happy. On the flip side, when it goes up, I fall into a deep depression. The last two weeks were so hard. BUUUUUT...I did keep going. I kept up my exercise. I watched my calories. It paid off in the end. So maybe I'll just keep up with the scale thing. See....I'm giving excuses to continue my addiction! Wow. Do they Scale Watchers Anonymous?! But seriously, I'm not going to stop my weekly weigh ins. Even though I am obsessed, it does help keep me in check. Sometimes it's even my best friend. Wow. You know what? The more I write about this, the worse I sound! I'm gonna stop writing now!
Thursday, February 09, 2012
This is my first ever blog post on here. And it's a doozy. I hope somebody reads this, but if no one does, it feels good to at least get it out there in the virtual unknown.
Last week I excitedly stepped on the scale. I'd had a few bad moments that week but overall I did pretty good. I'm 284.5 pounds so the weight should still be coming off fairly easily, I thought. I was shocked and saddened when I saw that I had gained a pound. I punished my self that day and was mad at the world. By the end of the day I pulled my self together. Weight gain is bound to happen I told myself. So the next day I got back on track. I did super good with my eating and increased my exercising. Yesterday marked the end of a very good week. I somewhat nervously stepped on the scale. I knew I'd done phenomenally that week so I knew I'd lose. I was actually nervous that I wouldn't lose as much as I was expecting. And then...287 showed up on the scale. WTF??!! I had gained another pound and a half?!! I literally crumbled to the floor. I cried and cried. How was this possible? I'd done everything as good as I could. I scrutinized my food log. I saw a few bad choices but not enough to cause any sort of weight gain. I thought about all the exercising I had done that week. I remembered how proud I was of how great I was doing. I had increased my cardio speed, upped my reps in strength training, completed a whole new level in my step aerobics. And still I failed. I shouldn't be gaining weight at this point. It's something I am doing wrong. There is something wrong with me. I spent the day alternating between fits of tears and shoveling food in my mouth. I mean hey, if I"m going to gain weight anyway, I might as well get some enjoyment out of it. I cried myself to sleep last night.
Today I woke up feeling empty inside. Not my stomach, obviously, it was full of pizza, mexican food, ice cream, and oreos. But my heart felt empty. I stumbled down the stairs and thought of the leftover pizza that was awaiting me. I felt sad about knowing that I was about to start my day with a thousand calories of pizza. But I was going to do it anyway. Might as well, right. No point in even trying to lose weight anymore. I got on the computer before heading to the kitchen to heat up my punishment food. I googled weight gain during dieting. I got the same information I already knew. I was either eating too much or too little. It could be either. No way to really tell though. I read over and over how just about anything I'm doing could be the wrong thing. The hopeless feeling was only being more firmly cemented in my mind. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't. So then I googled weight gain during exercising. I was immediately bombarded with articles saying that you are pretty much certainly going to gain weight in the beginning. I'd always known that muscle weighs more than fat. But what were the odds that after a month of exercise I'd gained any substantial muscle weight? Turns out the odds are pretty high! I then learned that your body has to get used to exercise and this could take weeks. It's likely that my body is just trying to figure out what I'm trying to pull here! It's sorting all this out. It's realizing that I'm not trying to starve it or tire it out. Once it gets this all worked out in it's weird little body mind, I'll certainly start seeing healthy chunks of weight loss.
I don't know why this is what turned my mind around, but it did. I suddenly felt a stirring of hope again. I realized that I didn't want to fall back into my old ways. I liked the way I've been feeling this past few weeks. I didn't want to give it up. I've felt happy and healthy and full of energy. So what if the scale is not moving for now? I feel good. I'm not going to lie and say that I'll continue to say "eff the scale!" The numbers do matter to me. But for now I will shout out my new mantra...as long as there are no children around, of course! So, I headed to the kitchen, got out my bottle of water. I pulled that pizza box out of the fridge. I heated one lovely slice of thin crust sausage and mushroom pizza for 310 calories. A delightful and yummy breakfast. I packed the other slices up for my husband to take to work. Out of my house, that pizza shall go! Good riddance. I'm back on track. Now I'm signing off of here and I'm going to refill the ole water bottle and head to the gym. I'm gonna walk on that treadmill, I'm going to feel that sweat pour off of me. I gonna go to that weight room and I'm going to build that muscle up even more. And I'm going to smile while I'm doing it. Because I know that in the long run, this is what I'm supposed to be doing.
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