Monday, December 09, 2013
Yes, I am...I'm jealous. I try very hard to be happy for my friends, and I really am happy....but I'm also very jealous...can those two go hand in hand??
One of my best friends, Jen, whom I've known for about 13 years now, posted on Facebook yesterday....she's lost 60 pounds in the last 34 weeks. I'm very proud of her- we've both struggled with our weight every since we can both remember, and have even worked out together, helped each other with eating healthier, etc... We don't see each other very often over the last few years- she lives a good 45 mins-hour away I live east of Denver and she lives west and we just both have a million things going on- we do text and stay in touch though.
I love her dearly, and I'm so glad that she's found something that works for her- last time we talked, she was doing weight watchers and it was working for her. I've tried weight watchers...it didn't work for me-I can't afford it and honestly, I hate the meetings and I don't have a ton of free time to go to the meetings consistently (when I do have any free time I like to spend it with my friends and family and of course, DW- which i know is selfish, but when I have limited time, a meeting that only makes me feel worse about myself doesn't usually hit the top of my list), I've tried SlimGenics, that didn't work for me either- I didn't like being judged if I gained a single pound between one day and the next... I'm doing Spark....which has had its ups and downs and has worked for me when I stick to it and really hold myself accountable. I know that I honestly have no grounds to stand on when it comes to being jealous because I KNOW that I haven't been putting in the time and effort. Yes, I've been slowly getting back on track, and I'm trying very hard to drink more water, watch portion sizes, bringing lunch from home, eating healthier dinners, not grabbing fast food ALL the time...etc. But there are so many things I'm NOT doing.... I'm not working out, I don't always plan my meals/plan healthy meals during the week consistently, I'm not always eating great foods like veggies, fruits, etc. I eat them, just...I should eat more. I shouldn't be jealous....but I am....She's where I wanted to be by now and she succeeded, and I'm just....not there. I'm here in the back just trying to not gain any weight...forget losing 60 pounds.
I hate feeling jealous....I'm one of those people who genuinely loves to see my friends succeed and meet their goals (weight related, job related, etc) but this time....I feel AWFUL for feeing so jealous of someone I love and care about. I feel like I just needed to get that out today....its just been building up and I feel like its taking over a lot of my thoughts.
On another note- My parents FINALLY met DW on Saturday (only after over 3 YEARS LOL). We met for breakfast on Saturday morning and it went REALLY REALLY well. He and my dad just talked and talked and there was a lot of laughing and he was just... well- it was amazing. At one point he was talking to my parents and how he was glad he was meeting them and he just felt like it was a good time and then he starts to go on about how i'm "intelligent, bright, and beautiful..." and how he enjoys spending time with me and is glad to finally spend time with them...I seriously think I turned 100 shades of pink and red haha. I'm glad he finally felt ready to meet them. I just didn't want to be manipulative and force him into anything he wasn't ready for....and I feel like I did the right thing. I think that our relationship is a lot better, stronger, and healthier because I haven't manipulated him or tried to make him do anything he wasn't ready for, or sure of. We started off as friends and it just naturally evolved into SO much more.
On the way to bring him home, we were talking about the whole situation and he made a comment that in the past, he felt like he was pushed into meeting family/parents too soon and didn't like doing that because he feels like when you introduce someone to your family or get introduced to another person's family that it should be serious and not just a quick decision. It made me feel great that he feels that we're "serious".... I didn't really doubt that too much, but its nice to actually HEAR it... So.... after 3 long years....things seem to finally be more concrete and stable and I'm loving that feeling. I love that I'm with someone that I can trust, who trusts me and who I can totally be myself and he wants to be with me for the right reasons and I'm with him for the right reasons. I also brought up the fact that the thought of being with someone else, or him being with someone else makes me feel sick and he told me that he feels the same way, so I'm thinking that's a good sign of things to come. Right now, I can't imagine being with someone else- and I know I can't tell what's going to happen in the future, but I'm hoping its not something I have to even worry about.
Sorry this blog was a little long... But, sometimes it helps me even my emotions out just a bit by getting it out...Hope you all have a great week!!
Until Next Time
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
So I don't have a lot of time to write much, but wanted to at least write something since I haven't blogged in a while, and my last blog was kind of negative/not very happy.
I'm slowly getting back on track- I'm being more mindful about what I'm eating, and also, more importantly, how much I'm eating. I'm back drinking my Plexus almost everyday which has helped me feel more stable/in control too. I am not perfect, and I know that I'm not going to be, but I'm at least making the most of what I can and doing better than I was before.
With the holidays coming up, I'm honestly not too worried. Its funny because my mom is always talking about how much she's eating and how much weight she's gonna gain, etc etc... I don't know if its the fact that I don't want people around me to even THINK that I stuff my face, or if its really just self-control, but I don't usually have a huge problem with eating TOO much over the holidays- Yeah, I might eat more foods than usual, but I generally try to just take a little bit of everything and enjoy it, but not over-do it. I'm just always hoping my sweet tooth doesn't get the best of me!!
Speaking of the holidays, DW asked me last night if I wanted to join his family for Thanksgiving...Now, for some people, it might not seem like a very big deal- but for him (and me) it's a HUGE deal. Its been 3- yes THREE- years and I haven't ever met any of his family and he's never invited me to join any family activities- and for it to be Thanksgiving- it felt really great to have him ask me. I have to check with my parents and see what they have planned and if they'd be ok if I went with him, or see if maybe I could split my time somehow, but I'm seriously just BURSTING because I'm so excited!
I feel like I'm finally back on track, at least getting there and headed in that direction. I need to add working out into everything, but for now, I'm just glad that I'm feeling more in control of my own situation and being able to take more ownership of my actions and choices.
I hope everyone is having a lovely week and have a great Thanksgiving!!!!
Until Next Time
Monday, November 04, 2013
OK Here it goes...
When it comes to my normal everyday ho-hum I'm feeling pretty good. Yes, I'm busier than I'd like to be and I feel like I'm just ALWAYS on the go, but its good- I'm happy, things are going GREAT with DW, work is going well, my grad class is going pretty well (just need to get caught up on a few things), and my second job is good too. Granted, this morning, I think my car's water pump broke on my way to work this morning which has me a little stressed, but overall- life is good. I was on Fall Break last week and even though I still had to tutor, I was able to relax a little and DW and I went out of town for a few days (we went to the mountains). We had a great time just relaxing and hanging out together outside of our normal routine.
When it comes to what I'm eating/how much I'm eating and working out, and my weight loss however....I feel like I have just been a total failure. I almost feel like I'm a hopeless case and I'll never get this weight off. I've haven't necessarily been eating ALL the time or anything, but when I am eating, its not always healthy and I know that my portion sizes have been huge. Like, for instance, today, I ate an entire Chipotle burrito for lunch.... I felt sick after eating it all (I still don't feel so great) and I don't even know why I ate it all in the first place. I know Chipotle isn't a good choice, yet, I still ate it and made the choice to get it. Its almost like I KNOW what I'm doing and I KNOW that it's not a good choice, yet I still make the choices I shouldn't. I'm feeling gross, huge, and just bleh lately. I've been trying to drink water and i'm not doing too horribly with that, but its still nowhere near as consistent as it should be. I've been achy and my back and feet have been hurting... I know that I need to get this weight off, and I know what I need to do in order to get back on track....and I almost don't even know why I keep hindering my own success....but I do know why- I'm LAZY. I know that I have to be the one to make the right choices and no one else can do it for me. I need to make a doctors appointment (just my usual yearly physical), but I hate that I'm no lighter than I was last year when I went...and its just so embarrassing for me to go back to the doctor and still be in the same place I was. I wanted to be able to go in and be like "hey, I lost weight since last time!" but I can't because I didn't make the right choices and I've made excuses for myself and its gotten me nowhere. I almost need to hit a reset button and just make small changes- slowly adding more so that I don't feel so overwhelmed. I know that I can't lose this weight over-night or in just a few weeks or even months- but I wish it wasn't SO hard/emotionally draining.
That's my little vent/rant for the day. I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately that I'm almost crying as I write this- its a good thing I'm at work and need to be in a meeting in about 10 minutes because I think that if I was at home, I might just lose it....I'm disappointed in myself and that's the only person I can be disappointed in because no one else is responsible for my choices and my actions, and I'm also the only person who can control the choices I make from here on out.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I feel like I am just stuck in a rut... Since I've started this whole Spark journey, I've lost 18lbs... That's 18 pounds in 19 months... that equals out to be less than a pound a month. I've gotten down to 31 pounds lost...and have gained 13 of those pounds over the last 6 months or so. Its so frustrating. I don't just sit around eating...I'm not eating huge amounts of fast food...Most of my food is made at home and I try to watch my portions, eat more veggies than anything else to fill up, etc... I know my eating/nutrition isn't perfect- no one is PERFECT, and I don't really have that as a goal. I have eating well and doing the best I can as my goal. I know I could put more effort into my food choices- ESPECIALLY lunches- I tend to bring a sandwich or soup with me to work lately...or sometimes, I'll stop and get a salad to bring with me. I also tend to snack here and there rather than have an actual meal.
I'm also feeling like I just don't get a lot of down time lately at all. I get up and hit the ground running until its time to go to bed. By the time my day is done I have no energy...I should be going to work out...but I don't. I could get up earlier to work out in the morning, but that would mean getting up around 4/4:30a and I'm having enough problems getting up by 5/5:30 for work every morning as it is. I leave my house between 6:30/6:45a, get to work around 7/7:15. School is just really busy during the day- managing behaviors, checking in on my students who are in . I should get a plan time during the day, but because of some situations going on at work, I don't. When my students are at their specials, I am with another student working on his math with him. During my students' lunch, I am working with one of my 8th graders on Science. Then after work, sometimes I have meetings that go until 5, then I go tutor for 2-4 hours depending on the day. On Tuesdays, I have my grad class until 8:30. I keep my gym bag in my car so that I can just go work out when I'm done, but I just end up going home and wanting to go to bed.
I really want to get out of this rut and get back on track...I just need to figure out how to do that given my current schedule and energy level. I know that working out will help give me more energy and I always feel better after I go- its just getting the motivation to push through that wall that I've built.
I feel stuck and don't know exactly how to get un-stuck right now...
Things with DW are great- I don't see him as much because of our work schedules, but things are good.
I hope everyone is having a great week!
Until Next Time
Monday, August 12, 2013
So I've definitely hit the ground running and can tell that its going to take me a few weeks to get back into my routine and not feel just totally EXHAUSTED by the end of each day. Things are going really well with my students so far but we'll see how long the "sparkle" lasts and they'll be back with me more often HAHA.
I have a million meetings, appointments and a lot more paper work this year because I'm the lead teacher for the program, but I think it'll all work out ok after I get into the swing of things.
I've gotten a lot of positive affirmation about how I'm running everything so I'm feeling better about all of that.
I'm definitely going to need to start wearing a belt to work. My pants are so loose I'm constantly pulling them up LOL. I just don't have the money to buy new pants, and want to go down another size before I buy more. Basically I figure I can wear these 24's until I can fit into a 20. I'm finally starting to feel that after a week of consistency, I'm starting to get back on track with things. I haven't weighed myself in a while. I need to...I know that by weighing myself I'll have a "new" starting point and be able to know where I'm at and where I need to go from here, but I also have to remember that the non-scale victories are also really important, if not more important than that number on the scale. I think I'll weigh in Sunday morning before I eat breakfast, or maybe tomorrow if I don't get too wrapped up in getting ready for work. Usually I think about weighing myself later in the day, but don't want to because I've just eaten dinner LOL.
So yesterday was one of those "I hate people...I don't want to be around anyone...I don't want to do ANYTHING!" kind of days. I don't really know exactly what brought it on, but DW woke me up around 7:35ish yesterday and let me know he was leaving for work in 10 minutes and I got home from DW's around 8 yesterday morning (he works on Sunday mornings). I felt bad because I usually try to get up and make him some breakfast before he goes to work on Sundays, but I was so tired and lost track of what time it was that I just slept HAHA. I sent him a text later saying that i was sorry I woke up so late and that I had meant to make him breakfast. He text me later saying that it was ok and he wanted to make sure i got enough sleep- which was very sweet and nice of him LOL.
So when I got home, I had a little bit of time to kill before I had to get ready and head down to my parents' place, so I decided to catch up on Drop Dead Diva. I had two episodes to catch up on so I watched those and at the end of the second one, the most current episode minus last nights', I totally cried. I hated the ending. It totally just broke my heart. I know its just a TV show and I don't usually get so involved/invested in TV shows, but for some reason, this one just really got me all worked up emotionally. So then, I was just in a horrible mood. My cousin is getting married in less than three weeks so my mom and I threw her a shower. I just didn't want to go. I didn't want to host either. I know, now, after processing a little, that I really am a little jealous. Not that I'm looking to get married next week or next month or anything, but its like all of my friends (with the exception of 1) are engaged or married and the one who isn't engaged is basically just waiting for her boyfriend to pop the question, and almost all of my cousins are married or engaged/getting engaged any minute. So here I am without any idea that I'll ever get married... and just feeling really left out of a lot of things/feeling kind of like a failure compared to everyone else. I just had a "woes me" day I guess.
I felt like crying ALL morning, but didn't because my mom was around and I really struggle when it comes to crying in front of other people. I'm sure that it didn't help that my friend Meaghan told me on Saturday that she wasn't going to be able to go to my cousin's wedding with me after all because she is going to be going to her aunt's funeral/memorial service- which is a completely and totally rational reason to not go to a wedding. I'm definitely not upset or mad that she's going. I told her that she would regret not going and that it was totally fine that she wasn't going to go to the wedding with me. I guess it just comes down to not wanting to go to another wedding alone... I feel like a loser going to all of these weddings alone or just with my parents...and I'm kind of the odd person out or the third wheel. I have mentioned the wedding to DW and I know that he doesn't want to go- I know that he would feel awkward/uncomfortable so i haven't even pushed the issue. I did mention last night that Meaghan won't be going with me, but I'd figure it out. I just don't want him to be put into a situation that he doesn't want to be in. He hasn't met my parents or really anyone other than a couple of my friends and he's such a private person that I've just decided that I'm going to let him decide when he's ready or wants to meet certain people or go to certain functions.
Luckily, after people got to the shower I felt a little better- mostly because I was distracted. I have an amazing relationship with DW- we're great together. I'd also prefer to be in a really great relationship and be happy rather than pressure or push something and end up regretting it or being unhappy- or be with the wrong person just because they want to get married sooner.... I'm feeling much better today about everything and I don't know why my funk yesterday was SO low and awful, but I'm back on track today and just thankful that I do have such amazing people around and I have DW.
I have so much going on this week and just need to tackle my list of things that I need to do...
Have a great day my spark lovlies!!!
Until Next Time
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