Sunday, October 19, 2014
Well, here I am again.... back in a worse place than when I even started. There have been some major things that have happened since the last time I was on here.
For the entire 2013-2014 school year one of my para-professionals tried to get me fired because she did not like me- I don't know what I did to her, or what I may have said, but she made the school year completely miserable- I definitely started to "eat my feelings" more often from the stress that was built up rather than dealing with it in a healthier way (working out, taking care of myself emotionally in a more positive way, etc). On top of that, the girl I was training and co-teaching with took my para's side and caused me to feel awful about myself and like I couldn't do my job and I was a horrible teacher.
In February (2014), I found out that my program was being cut and I was going to need to find a new job. So I started applying for positions in and outside of my school district. That entire transition was unnerving and it added to my stress for the rest of the school year.
At the end of March, DW's mom passed away, which, while it didn't affect me directly, but it did affect me in the fact that I was using a lot of my energy to support DW- which I did so without any regret or hesitation. I just wish I could have met her because she sounded like an amazing woman and mother.
In May, I got a job offer. I ended up applying for a private day treatment position in March or April, for a company that contracts with a school district in order to offer day treatment services to the district at a lower cost than other private facility schools. I was hired in May and started my job in August.
In June, when the school year ended, I got to go home to Arkansas and see my family and got to go to my cousin's wedding. I really missed DW while I was gone- usually he's been the one who goes out of town/home to Louisiana to see family and I'm stuck back here in Colorado LOL. Everyone, of course, kept asking me if DW and I were going to get engaged/married anytime soon (after all, it ad been four years!). I simply told everyone that I had no idea, and that because DW had had some difficult things going on and had some rough relationships in the past that I wasn't pressuring him for anything and if it was supposed to happen, it would happen in its own time.
Well, a few days (DAYS) after I got back from being in Arkansas, DW and I were having breakfast and we were talking about rents and bills and tentatively making some plans for what we were going to do over the next few weeks. He, out of no where, says "well, I want to pay just one rent, but I want to do it the right way...." (the right way being that we get married before we move in together). I probably had the stupidest "what did you just say??" dumbfounded look on my face LOL. Well, then we started to talk about getting married next summer since I have another year on my lease coming up and it just gave us time to plan and get things in order, that was a pretty exciting moment.
Well, toward the end of June, DW was having a really hard time dealing with some health issues and had missed a month of work, paychecks stopped because he had used all of his time and his job was really give him a hard time when it came to what he needed to do in order to go back to work. We had a really rough day and it was full of ups and downs, but we decided that it was silly to wait another year to get married...
He called my dad, asked him if he could come down and visit (my parents basically knew why he was coming down LOL) On June 27 we both went down to my parents' place (I already had plans with my mom so I drove separately so that DW could do whatever he needed to in his own timing). DW and my dad ended up talking for over an hour and a half, while my mom and I were out running some errands. On June 28th, we were sitting, having breakfast together, and my mom text me asking "has he asked you yet??" and DW saw the text and said "Well, I was going to ask you when I got your ring, but will ya marry me??" and I said- "YES!!". So, it wasn't some major, over the top, or romantic proposal...it was simple...and just... well, us. We don't usually make a big deal out of things and we keep things pretty simple- so it was fitting.
So on July 4th, we went to one of his sisters' house for her bday (and a 4th of July BBQ). We had kept being engaged a secret until then because we wanted to tell his sisters and aunt, etc that we were getting married when everyone was together. Everyone was happy/crying/screaming/etc when we told them....the big kicker was that.....
This is the picture that my dad took of us on July 4th after we told everyone.
August: We got married August 2. My dad did the ceremony, and it was just a small civil ceremony with his sisters, my family's small group (they are like my family) and a few very close friends. Here's one of my favorite pictures:
I also started my new job about a week after we got married, so there were a lot of changes that happened this last summer!
We are planning an actually wedding for next June, 2015. We both have a lot of family that are in Arkansas, Louisiana, and in other states that we really want to be able to celebrate with us, but with getting married so quickly, we weren't able to give everyone the time to make travel plans, etc.
SO, with that being said, I found a wedding dress- ordered a wedding dress....but I absolutely hate the way I look. We had a family friend, who is a photographer, come and take some pictures in August, but there are only a few pictures I actually like because I just hate how I look in most of them.
I feel like I'm completely out of control. I stopped taking my plexus (Which, when I was drinking it and taking the pro-biotics, etc was working and helping), and while I have been cooking more at home, I've also been constantly buying sweets and foods I shouldn't be eating all the time. I do pretty well during the day, but when I'm home at night, I just keep stuffing food in my face and I just need to stop. I need to stop buying crap foods and get back on track.
I've gained all of my weight back, plus some. My 24 jeans fit but they feel tighter lately. I was looking in the mirror a few weeks ago and totally saw just how awful I look...all the rolls, the double chin, how wide/thick everything is...its almost like I was looking through a filter and didn't see what everyone else was seeing.... I feel so unattractive, so big and just....gross. I don't want to hate my wedding pictures...I don't want to feel like I look horrible next summer. I don't want to be the big, fat, ugly bride... I want to look good for DW, I want to look good and feel good for myself. I just feel so stuck. I get home from working both of my jobs around 8/8:30 (sometimes 9) and I just want to unwind and get some sleep so I can be ready for the next day, but I feel like even though I average 3-3.5 miles of walking at my job (Some of it is running after a student when they decide to run out of the classroom), its just not enough. It also doesn't help that my students are great at calling me names when they're mad- most involve the word "fat"... some call me "Fat Albert's Girlfriend", and some of them poke at my stomach when they are standing in front of me (I just gently remind them to be aware of my space and to take a step back). One of my little guys asked me one day "Why are your thighs SO big?? They're Huge!? What's wrong with your thighs?"
So here I am...writing it down- putting it down for the "world" to see...getting it out because I can't keep it inside any more. I'm sick and tired of being this way...I'm tired of being made fun of my entire life, of being judged because I'm SO big... I'm tired of going to the Dr's and getting the exact same speech...etc... I'm working on holding myself accountable, of taking control of my own situation because no one can take control except for me. I want to take control- Even though I had a long ways to go, I felt so great when I was losing weight, and I was almost down to a size 22 when I was in the swing of things and putting in the effort. I want to go in for a dress fitting for my wedding dress and have them need to take it in, if not order me a new (smaller) size. I don't want to look at pictures and be disgusted in what I see, where as whoever else sees the pictures just see them as they always see me- I hate how I see me, and most people just don't understand that when I see pictures of myself I rarely like them they don't understand that when I see a picture of myself I'm seeing the reality...I'm seeing what everyone else always sees, but its not the image I see when I picture myself in my mind and when I do see the reality, I want to wish it away, I wish I could just get rid of the pictures that I don't like how I look so that no one, including myself, has to see them. Anyways... enough ranting and complaining/whining...I just needed to put it down and get it out.
A lot of things have changed, quickly, and I need to keep in mind that even though some things have changed quickly, this is one thing that won't change overnight...this is a day to day battle for me and some days, I will lose the battle, some I will win. As long as I win the war, that's what will matter, so I am going to start fighting again, and doing what I can to win my battle each day.
I have missed my Spark Lovelies and look forward to hearing from new and old friends on here as a way to encourage either personally or encourage you!
Until Next Time
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Well, its been a bit since I've blogged again, so I figure its about time for an update....not that there's much to actually update.
My Valentine's Day was good- DW and I grilled a couple steaks, an onion, and zucchini and squash, and also had baked potatoes. Then we played some games- so it was low key, but good.
I'm still struggling to just get back on the wagon. I feel like I've been just eating constantly at night lately... I try to just have one dove chocolate square to kind of take care of my sweet tooth, but it turns into 3-4 chocolates, maybe some lemonade instead of more water, an extra piece of whatever is around, etc... I just need to tell myself "no, just drink some water". I've been feeling kinda bleh in the mornings because I'm eating crap foods, especially at night before I go to bed. I also need to get consistent with my Plexus. When I was drinking it regularly and on a daily basis I was doing really well- I wasn't craving sweets constantly, I wasn't hungry because it helped to curb my appetite so I wasn't wanting to eat so much between meals, etc. It was working- and I don't know why I stopped- I had a schedule and I stuck to it. The summer really didn't help- I was out of my normal routine and schedule and many times forgot to drink it, or forgot the mix at home if I was out and about. I was also working out consistently- it was working- I totally let go of things that were working for me...I don't even know why other than the fact that my schedule changed and I just didn't put in the effort to make it part of my new schedule. Same goes for this school year- I've been working so much that I haven't put out the effort that I need to- even if I've already had a 14 hour day and I'm tired....I need to get back into doing SOMETHING.
I'm going to be going down to Louisiana with DW at the end of June/beginning of July to meet his family (his parents and brothers and sister that I haven't met yet) and I would love to lose at lease SOME weight before then. I know I won't be anywhere near my goal weight, but I'd at least like to be moving in the right direction. I also have a wedding to go to in April, one in May, one at the beginning of June, and one in the middle of June, and the trip.... I just want to at least feel good about myself when it comes to accomplishing something when it relates to my weight loss goals.
I keep talking and writing and talking about needing to get back in gear but then I don't do it... Talk is cheap....and I need to stop talking and just start doing. I need to just map out a schedule of nights that I can just push through being exhausted and work out, then head over to DW's after I shower, since I sleep over there most nights. I could even shower over at his place- I know that wouldn't be a problem either. I have the resources, I have the ability, I just need to make myself apply all of that. I think one thing that helped last year was that my friend Meaghan and I would meet up at least a few days a week and work out together. With my current schedule, though, the times that I can work out are too late for her, and I'm tutoring when she's able to work out.
I don't know why its so hard for me to just go to the gym alone- the only two ideas that I have are that one- its more fun to have someone to go with and it helps the time go by faster, and two- I often times feel very self conscious when I go to the gym- especially when I go alone- and having someone there with me just helps me to not think about it as much, and puts my focus elsewhere.
I know that the combination of Plexus, working out, and tracking my calories closely works for me- I just need to keep the motivation and stay in the habit of following through with all of that. I can't let myself get lazy and fall behind like I have been. 2 years ago, I joined Spark and I'm basically in the same place I was 2 years ago...If I had just stuck with it and not been lazy, I could be at my goal or at least be close to it. I think that's what bothers me the most...I could be closer to where I wanted to be, but I gave up, stopped caring, and didn't stick with it.
I need to get my kiddos situated and get going for the day, but have a great week my lovely sparkies!
Until Next Time,
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
I feel like I'm still in the mindset of being healthier and doing what I need to do, but the actuality of DOING it is another thing.
Life is good- I'm happy, things with DW are GREAT, I'm loving my job, etc.. Finances/money have been tight- really tight- and I'm tutoring to help just get week to week/month to month at this point. If I didn't need the money, I probably wouldn't be tutoring. I love the girls I tutor, and they are definitely not hard to work with, but I'm SOOOO busy and stretched thin that I feel like other things (like working out, and time with my friends) have really had to take a back seat. I'm gone from 6:45a until at least 8:30/9p and by then I just need to eat something, maybe get some work done, and then go to bed just to do it all over again the next day. I don't really get a lunch because of the population of students that I work with- I eat, but its usually just as I teach/do other things. I'm trying to balance everything, but I'm just at the point where something just has to be let go, and lately that's been working out and seeing friends as often. I can't do it all, but I do have to make sure that my rent is paid, I can pay my bills and put gas in my car, which is where the additional 11-13 hours a week of tutoring is being needed. I'm also trying to decide if I just want to stay living where I am (rent is really high, but the apartment is SUPER nice, and is in a great location, etc) or if I would like to try to find another place, that might not be quite as nice, but less expensive. If I do decide to move, I will only move if I can find a place that fits a pretty specific list. If I can be spending less money on rent, I wouldn't feel like I had to tutor as much, and might be able to slowly back away from that as needed/wanted, which would give me extra time to work out, plan meals more efficiently, etc.
I am not necessarily going backwards, but I don't feel like I'm moving forward in my goals. I feel like I'm just staying in one general area, going around in a circle.
On a brighter (sparkly) note.....
This was my Christmas/New Year present from DW.... We're not planning on getting married (yet anyways) but it was a token of his commitment and so its all I really would ever want- I'm happy with how things are and I finally feel like things are really coming together/falling into place with us and knowing that things are good and going somewhere. It doesn't hurt that its pretty much my dream ring!
I don't have much else, but have a great week sparkies!!
Until Next Time,
Monday, December 23, 2013
So I just went to the Dr for my yearly physical, and I left just feeling overwhelmed and depressed...and just awful.
My blood pressure was high, again, and my doctor put me on blood pressure meds. I was really hoping that my blood pressure was going to be better this time...and it wasn't. Then, she referred me to go see the weight-management department, which is fine- I'm so frustrated with myself at this point that I just don't even know what to do....I've even started to consider something that i said I would never do- LapBand.... I feel like I'm just sinking and I can't figure out what to do. Then, because of the HBP, I can't take birth control, so she recommended that I get an IUD....Which, I'm ok with, but I'm a little afraid of the side affects and the fact that I already don't have regular cycles and I manage that by taking BC....I'm just overwhelmed with everything I need to think about/do/decide on.
I'm trying to think positively, and know that it will get better and I just have to buckle down and make better choices, etc but right now I'm just not feeling very positive. I hate feeling like this...I'm usually a positive person and have the "glass half full" type of attitude, but right now I'm crying, and just feel like I need to feel frustrated for a little while. This blog was more of a venting session....sorry its not very positive or fun...
Until Next Time
Monday, December 09, 2013
Yes, I am...I'm jealous. I try very hard to be happy for my friends, and I really am happy....but I'm also very jealous...can those two go hand in hand??
One of my best friends, Jen, whom I've known for about 13 years now, posted on Facebook yesterday....she's lost 60 pounds in the last 34 weeks. I'm very proud of her- we've both struggled with our weight every since we can both remember, and have even worked out together, helped each other with eating healthier, etc... We don't see each other very often over the last few years- she lives a good 45 mins-hour away I live east of Denver and she lives west and we just both have a million things going on- we do text and stay in touch though.
I love her dearly, and I'm so glad that she's found something that works for her- last time we talked, she was doing weight watchers and it was working for her. I've tried weight watchers...it didn't work for me-I can't afford it and honestly, I hate the meetings and I don't have a ton of free time to go to the meetings consistently (when I do have any free time I like to spend it with my friends and family and of course, DW- which i know is selfish, but when I have limited time, a meeting that only makes me feel worse about myself doesn't usually hit the top of my list), I've tried SlimGenics, that didn't work for me either- I didn't like being judged if I gained a single pound between one day and the next... I'm doing Spark....which has had its ups and downs and has worked for me when I stick to it and really hold myself accountable. I know that I honestly have no grounds to stand on when it comes to being jealous because I KNOW that I haven't been putting in the time and effort. Yes, I've been slowly getting back on track, and I'm trying very hard to drink more water, watch portion sizes, bringing lunch from home, eating healthier dinners, not grabbing fast food ALL the time...etc. But there are so many things I'm NOT doing.... I'm not working out, I don't always plan my meals/plan healthy meals during the week consistently, I'm not always eating great foods like veggies, fruits, etc. I eat them, just...I should eat more. I shouldn't be jealous....but I am....She's where I wanted to be by now and she succeeded, and I'm just....not there. I'm here in the back just trying to not gain any weight...forget losing 60 pounds.
I hate feeling jealous....I'm one of those people who genuinely loves to see my friends succeed and meet their goals (weight related, job related, etc) but this time....I feel AWFUL for feeing so jealous of someone I love and care about. I feel like I just needed to get that out today....its just been building up and I feel like its taking over a lot of my thoughts.
On another note- My parents FINALLY met DW on Saturday (only after over 3 YEARS LOL). We met for breakfast on Saturday morning and it went REALLY REALLY well. He and my dad just talked and talked and there was a lot of laughing and he was just... well- it was amazing. At one point he was talking to my parents and how he was glad he was meeting them and he just felt like it was a good time and then he starts to go on about how i'm "intelligent, bright, and beautiful..." and how he enjoys spending time with me and is glad to finally spend time with them...I seriously think I turned 100 shades of pink and red haha. I'm glad he finally felt ready to meet them. I just didn't want to be manipulative and force him into anything he wasn't ready for....and I feel like I did the right thing. I think that our relationship is a lot better, stronger, and healthier because I haven't manipulated him or tried to make him do anything he wasn't ready for, or sure of. We started off as friends and it just naturally evolved into SO much more.
On the way to bring him home, we were talking about the whole situation and he made a comment that in the past, he felt like he was pushed into meeting family/parents too soon and didn't like doing that because he feels like when you introduce someone to your family or get introduced to another person's family that it should be serious and not just a quick decision. It made me feel great that he feels that we're "serious".... I didn't really doubt that too much, but its nice to actually HEAR it... So.... after 3 long years....things seem to finally be more concrete and stable and I'm loving that feeling. I love that I'm with someone that I can trust, who trusts me and who I can totally be myself and he wants to be with me for the right reasons and I'm with him for the right reasons. I also brought up the fact that the thought of being with someone else, or him being with someone else makes me feel sick and he told me that he feels the same way, so I'm thinking that's a good sign of things to come. Right now, I can't imagine being with someone else- and I know I can't tell what's going to happen in the future, but I'm hoping its not something I have to even worry about.
Sorry this blog was a little long... But, sometimes it helps me even my emotions out just a bit by getting it out...Hope you all have a great week!!
Until Next Time
Get An Email Alert Each Time ABEAUTIFULMESS1 Posts