Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I started my cleanse yesterday and although I know it's hard, it's not as hard as all the feelings of being overweight, feeling pudgy and soft.
Trying to find things in the closet to make me look slimmer, instead of BEING slim, is an everyday stress causing issue. This is the thing I struggle with the most…not feeling good about myself.
I KNOW…if I lost the weight (about 20lbs) I would be sooooo happy and feel so amazing. I know because I've done it…many times. So I have to figure out what's holding me back and what's keeping me from keeping it off. Maybe I don't deserve it (which I know I do) or I maybe I feel like it's impossible (which I know it's not) so what is it really? I think it's Me.
I feel like I'm holding myself hostage, because I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to feel that this is the only thing in life that's important. Denial is a great mind freak. Maybe someone will love me more when I'm thin…which I know isn't true, but totally freaks me out. I mean…is that all that I am?
I used to be the sexy thin bitch. The one who lived an almost carefree life. (at least I told myself that for many years) Now at the end of middle age ,I find myself a little lost as I approach my mid 60's. Even though I just turned 61 it feels like life is creeping to a halt. That my body is trying to deny me…maybe it's because I don't know what I'm supposed to look like or feel like in my 60yr old body. I suspect I'm probably better than most, but still hard to grasp.
I don't want to look like a twenty something…but I don't want to look or feel like a old woman either. I have no role models in my life. Being the oldest persona I know (other than my 84yr old unhealthy friend)…. I AM the role model for all those around me. I don't know where to go sometimes. Celebrities don't count. I wish I had an older healthy friend to workout with and buddy around with. I even lost my last boyfriend because he couldn't keep up. He started to lose weight and then it got too hard and tells me although he really likes me he's not ready for a full time relationship. Well we only saw each other once a week so I don't know where that came from, but I suspect he thought he had to get in shape and it wasn't something he was willing to really do. He would tell me all the crap he was eating and I would tell him all the clean foods I was eating (it was all good stuff…GRILLED, flavorful, just not deep fried with sauces and creamy mash he's crazy about). Then he started telling me he was eating salads, only 1/2 his normal food intake. I told him he was looking great. He started losing more weight. I was getting to that happy place….then Bam…he can't hang with it, too hard, not worth the trouble….blah blah blah. So again…I'm left to figure it out on my own. Figure out AM I WORTH IT?
Even if my logical side say's, "Just DO It!" and My physical side is doing it's best at every exercise class, my weak side say's "oh your pathetic and besides, you don't have anyone who really cares about you thick or thin…so what's the point?" 9 times out of 10 I agree with my weak side.
So...It's time for me to brush myself off and listen to my Strong side. It's the one that say's "I am Worth IT" It the side that helps me get through my classes and gets me through my weakness's. It's the side that always say's "you don't need someone to define you" It's the strong side that pushes me past the "it doesn't matter crap". I just don't call on it enough to help me when I need it.
I just don't call on it enough to help make me strong. So starting today and through this cleansing process, I'm going to sit up straight, take note of my changes and moods and be as strong as I know I can be. Food doesn't define me…A man on my arm doesn't define me…I define who I am. Here I go!
And I am strong, healthy and sexy!
Monday, April 15, 2013
It's been a while since I've written a blog, but then it's been a while since I've felt I had something to say. Something I can look back at when struggling.
I'm Hoping that this is my year! My year to face my fears, figure out my plan and end my circle of disappointment. It's all a learning curve. If I don't learn from my mistakes and take responsibility for the outcome, then I probably wasn't serious enough to make the change's I sought. Today I am.
So many times I started out on this road with minor success. Reaching a 25lbs weight loss at one time. Why did I stop? I couldn't tell you, except it was more about reaching some level and getting too comfortable. When I saw I was struggling It was MY decision to give up and of course that was the worst thing I could have done. Now it's not so much about some high goal but reaching a goal I can live with.
We have to set goals of course...but sometimes there a little high, sometimes there not even reasonable. I'm never going to be my younger self, never going to be the girl that I once was, but I can be physically stronger, I can be more beautiful inside, all while losing weight.
Yes it will take time, and yes there will be times I feel like it's not moving fast enough. But If I can look back at progress and say "I'm never going back there" and keep moving forward, I'll reach a goal I'm happy with AND can live with. I want to enjoy wearing my little black dress, be fearless going to the pool and feel good putting on a pair of summer shorts. These are goals I can make happen. So one day at a time making sure I accomplish something towards my goal everyday.
The journey begins.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
My daily Affirmation will be: I believe in myself....I believe in myself
I am hereby committing to a life of being active and demonstrating self control when it comes to my eating and lifestyle. Here are my signed commitments.
1. I will not indulge in ANY alcoholic beverages during the first two weeks of my restart program, Monday May 21st, 2012 regardless of the nature of any temptation.
2. I will also consistently terminate the consumption of any and ALL foods after my final meal (dinner), then drink only green tea or decaf coffee along with any remaining water need to complete my (5) 20oz glasses of water a day.
3. I will be held accountable and conscious of my foods choices along with their nutritional value and take my vitamins every morning.
4. I will eat only when hungry and eat only until sufficiently satisfied (NOT until over full).
5. I will continue with my training program at golds gym and add a gym class before this months end May 2012. I will DO at least 30 minutes of cardio 3x weekly, plus weight toning exercises at least 3 times per week.
6. I WILL keep a record of those minutes in my fitness log along.
I realize that this contract is solely with myself. This contract carries no rewards, penalties or punishments other than those associated with the reflection of the strength of my character. Losing weight will be reward enough, along with inspiring others to do the same.
I commit to this, No Matter What!!!, until May 30th. I will then, re-commit every two weeks until I’ve reached the maintenance portion of my plan. The new lifestyle changes will bring me into a new world. One I have made for myself filled with healthy habits.
Signed Janice Cass
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Looks like it's a quiet here at SP. 9/11 is a tough time. I think we all feel we we're there that day, not just watching the horror, but living it.
I love NY and have spent many great times there. Sometimes weeks, sometimes short weekends of shopping ,sightseeing, eating at the finest resturants, grabbing a bottle of wine and cheese and soaking in a tub. No cares in the world....except being with the man I loved. Joe....we walked thru the towers everyday... on his way to work (he was a CEO at a web firmback then).
When we decided it was right for us....I moved to Palm Springs California... I flew with my cat here and was so happy...the next morning I woke up only to see the 2nd plane fly thru the 2nd tower. I felt sick and yet I felt sooo lucky too...as I sat crying in unbelief of what was happening and for all those that we're struggling to get out....then as the towers came down and the silence began , I felt nothing. Almost ashamed that I was so lucky to have made it to where my future was just starting. Sick in my stomach with grief for those families who we're looking for their loved ones, just made me feel all that much more sad.
Now that Joe has left...do I still feel lucky? Maybe.Maybe there is something I was sent here to do besides live a selfish happy ever after. Maybe helping the oldsters here IS my calling. If it cost me a man who was so self centered not to be able to share his love for me with others, than he was never the right person for me. I could never say no to anyone who needs me.
Even though I don't actually know what the future will bring...I still lucky to have a chance to wake up everyday and make my own choices. The choice of how I want to be, not only in my body but in my soul. So everyday, I will make each one count...as if it were my last...because we never know, do we?
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