ABBYGAL   23,832
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Cleansing

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I started my cleanse yesterday and although I know it's hard, it's not as hard as all the feelings of being overweight, feeling pudgy and soft.
Trying to find things in the closet to make me look slimmer, instead of BEING slim, is an everyday stress causing issue. This is the thing I struggle with the most…not feeling good about myself.

I KNOW…if I lost the weight (about 20lbs) I would be sooooo happy and feel so amazing. I know because I've done it…many times. So I have to figure out what's holding me back and what's keeping me from keeping it off. Maybe I don't deserve it (which I know I do) or I maybe I feel like it's impossible (which I know it's not) so what is it really? I think it's Me.

I feel like I'm holding myself hostage, because I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to feel that this is the only thing in life that's important. Denial is a great mind freak. Maybe someone will love me more when I'm thin…which I know isn't true, but totally freaks me out. I mean…is that all that I am?

I used to be the sexy thin bitch. The one who lived an almost carefree life. (at least I told myself that for many years) Now at the end of middle age ,I find myself a little lost as I approach my mid 60's. Even though I just turned 61 it feels like life is creeping to a halt. That my body is trying to deny me…maybe it's because I don't know what I'm supposed to look like or feel like in my 60yr old body. I suspect I'm probably better than most, but still hard to grasp.
I don't want to look like a twenty something…but I don't want to look or feel like a old woman either. I have no role models in my life. Being the oldest persona I know (other than my 84yr old unhealthy friend)…. I AM the role model for all those around me. I don't know where to go sometimes. Celebrities don't count. I wish I had an older healthy friend to workout with and buddy around with. I even lost my last boyfriend because he couldn't keep up. He started to lose weight and then it got too hard and tells me although he really likes me he's not ready for a full time relationship. Well we only saw each other once a week so I don't know where that came from, but I suspect he thought he had to get in shape and it wasn't something he was willing to really do. He would tell me all the crap he was eating and I would tell him all the clean foods I was eating (it was all good stuff…GRILLED, flavorful, just not deep fried with sauces and creamy mash he's crazy about). Then he started telling me he was eating salads, only 1/2 his normal food intake. I told him he was looking great. He started losing more weight. I was getting to that happy place….then Bam…he can't hang with it, too hard, not worth the trouble….blah blah blah. So again…I'm left to figure it out on my own. Figure out AM I WORTH IT?

Even if my logical side say's, "Just DO It!" and My physical side is doing it's best at every exercise class, my weak side say's "oh your pathetic and besides, you don't have anyone who really cares about you thick or thin…so what's the point?" 9 times out of 10 I agree with my weak side.

So...It's time for me to brush myself off and listen to my Strong side. It's the one that say's "I am Worth IT" It the side that helps me get through my classes and gets me through my weakness's. It's the side that always say's "you don't need someone to define you" It's the strong side that pushes me past the "it doesn't matter crap". I just don't call on it enough to help me when I need it.

I just don't call on it enough to help make me strong. So starting today and through this cleansing process, I'm going to sit up straight, take note of my changes and moods and be as strong as I know I can be. Food doesn't define me…A man on my arm doesn't define me…I define who I am. Here I go!
And I am strong, healthy and sexy!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ABBYGAL 11/21/2013 11:51AM

    Thank you everyone for all your support and kind comments. I am really going to beat this thing out of my head and stay on the road to a better me. Heather I will check out that book. I don't actually know why I went off plan after Mark left. It was a last minute trip for him so I know I didn't do it for his coming out to visit. I think I just let it all go because we were having so much fun. when he left I felt a little depressed because I realized how much I needed that fun and companionship.

Now like you have all said in one way or another…dig deeper inside ourselves to find our way to health and those feelings of a happier self we so much want. In the end we all know only we can put the smile on ourselves, everything else is an added bonus. Today I start with a smile and even if it's a little fake it will become a true smile until I can laugh like the me of yesterday.

We are all worth it…so lets get up and go. emoticon

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HHUSTON 11/20/2013 11:35AM

    Jan I love your honesty and the fact that you are willing to look in the mirror and really see what is before you. I can empathize about not having a friend your age to workout with - but hey - remember this girlie - you cannot measure yourself against ANYONE else - you already know the celebs are fake. I have a DH that chooses to be unconscious of his nutritional needs it used to drive me crazy - now I just do my own thing with food and for the most part eat alone. I could say WTF he doesn't care why should I - but I am me and I do care! We are human, we stumble and we fall, but let's focus on the fact that we get back up again! I wish you success with your cleanse - and I wish you desire to be all you can be - what made it work before your buddy came to visit and everything went to hell on a handbasket? Was it the desire to look good for your friend? Well - how about being a good enough friend to yourself, one that loves you more than any human could - so that you want to look good for yourself? I love you girl - time to love yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember sweets are treats but we aren't dogs - we shouldn't ever "reward" ourselves with something that doesn't help us be the best we can be. Make time to get this book - "The dark side of the light chasers" it may help you heal. I'm reading it now. (((HUGS)))
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BLUEWATER71 11/20/2013 7:35AM

    I am just like you Jan, I lost all this weight and was feeling good, only had 22 lbs to get to my goal, then over night it seems like I was afraid went off plan, stop exercising as I was hurting all over again. We have to dig deeper inside our selves to figure what stopping us from reaching our goals. If we put our minds into it, we can do this. How ever long it will take us. Don't give up, hang in there and try to stay strong as you are worth it, we all are. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IZONPRIZE 11/19/2013 9:29PM

    Jan, I really do feel your pain and have all the same questions about why can't I keep the weight off that I have lost so many times. Why do I keep starting all over again. I believe one day we will be able to find our answers. In the meantime, you go girl. You are so worth the effort. Remember we have a reward waiting. A girl trip to celebrate our losses. Let's keep our eyes on the prize. Together!

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SIMONEKP 11/19/2013 4:22PM

    hang in there

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KING_SLAYER 11/19/2013 3:35PM

    You go girl!! :) Just continue to make conscious, intelligent decisions and things will fall into place, I'm sure of it!

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This IS my year!!!

Monday, April 15, 2013

It's been a while since I've written a blog, but then it's been a while since I've felt I had something to say. Something I can look back at when struggling.

I'm Hoping that this is my year! My year to face my fears, figure out my plan and end my circle of disappointment. It's all a learning curve. If I don't learn from my mistakes and take responsibility for the outcome, then I probably wasn't serious enough to make the change's I sought. Today I am.

So many times I started out on this road with minor success. Reaching a 25lbs weight loss at one time. Why did I stop? I couldn't tell you, except it was more about reaching some level and getting too comfortable. When I saw I was struggling It was MY decision to give up and of course that was the worst thing I could have done. Now it's not so much about some high goal but reaching a goal I can live with.

We have to set goals of course...but sometimes there a little high, sometimes there not even reasonable. I'm never going to be my younger self, never going to be the girl that I once was, but I can be physically stronger, I can be more beautiful inside, all while losing weight.

Yes it will take time, and yes there will be times I feel like it's not moving fast enough. But If I can look back at progress and say "I'm never going back there" and keep moving forward, I'll reach a goal I'm happy with AND can live with. I want to enjoy wearing my little black dress, be fearless going to the pool and feel good putting on a pair of summer shorts. These are goals I can make happen. So one day at a time making sure I accomplish something towards my goal everyday.

The journey begins.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HHUSTON 4/17/2013 11:41PM

    Yes! Allow yourself to WIN this year; it's time - and you are ready. If it takes you longer than you'd like; or less time than you think; never doubt yourself because you've got this Jan! xxx

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KING_SLAYER 4/16/2013 10:16PM

    So true. Need to set the proper goals, I believe that means setting smaller, achievable goals working towards a larger goal. It sounds like you've got your mind right, doing it for the right reasons and not trying to fool yourself with perhaps unrealistic goals. You can do this!

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BLUEWATER71 4/15/2013 8:46PM

    You can do it this time Jan, I am sure of it as you have the acknowledge and the tools to do it. Please remember this is a life style change and you have to choose a plan that you can be happy with and you will have to continue in doing exercise. We can never go back to the old way of eating.I am really ready for the life style change and keep doing these different plans it taking it toll on my physically and emotionally. Since I don't have that much more to lose to reach my goal and how ever long it will take me and do hope that I will reach my goal. I am proud of you girl.

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LOPEYP 4/15/2013 6:33PM

    Make a plan and follow it. Nothing about this journey is haphazard. It's hard work but worthwhile work. Keep telling yourself that you are worth it. We all have setbacks and times that we feel like we'll never succeed but perseverance pays off. emoticon emoticon

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UMBILICAL 4/15/2013 6:30PM

  I begin by realizing that I can make this my day

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Affirmation

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!I believe in myself!

Did I tell you I Believe in Myself??? YES I DID!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RONALANA 9/25/2012 2:46PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IZONPRIZE 5/20/2012 4:25PM

    I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, I believe in you, TOO, did you hear me say, I believe in you, TOO, I DO!!!!

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MS5835 5/20/2012 1:09PM

    I love this!

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Contract

Saturday, May 19, 2012

My daily Affirmation will be: I believe in myself....I believe in myself

I am hereby committing to a life of being active and demonstrating self control when it comes to my eating and lifestyle. Here are my signed commitments.

1. I will not indulge in ANY alcoholic beverages during the first two weeks of my restart program, Monday May 21st, 2012 regardless of the nature of any temptation.

2. I will also consistently terminate the consumption of any and ALL foods after my final meal (dinner), then drink only green tea or decaf coffee along with any remaining water need to complete my (5) 20oz glasses of water a day.

3. I will be held accountable and conscious of my foods choices along with their nutritional value and take my vitamins every morning.

4. I will eat only when hungry and eat only until sufficiently satisfied (NOT until over full).

5. I will continue with my training program at golds gym and add a gym class before this months end May 2012. I will DO at least 30 minutes of cardio 3x weekly, plus weight toning exercises at least 3 times per week.

6. I WILL keep a record of those minutes in my fitness log along.

I realize that this contract is solely with myself. This contract carries no rewards, penalties or punishments other than those associated with the reflection of the strength of my character. Losing weight will be reward enough, along with inspiring others to do the same.

I commit to this, No Matter What!!!, until May 30th. I will then, re-commit every two weeks until I’ve reached the maintenance portion of my plan. The new lifestyle changes will bring me into a new world. One I have made for myself filled with healthy habits.

Signed Janice Cass

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HHUSTON 5/31/2012 5:34PM

    Great contract Jan! I wasn't here for any of the pain, but now the day after your first term - I am dying to hear how it went for you.

Love you girlie!! You deserve the best you can give yourself!

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BLUEWATER71 5/21/2012 6:58AM

    Jan great contract and way to go. Come on girl we are in this together and lets all reach our goal.

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IZONPRIZE 5/20/2012 4:24PM

    Thank you so much Jan for your commitment first to YOU and then to us as a team. Together, we can reach our goals and even surpass them. I always try to remember, this is not ALL about weight loss, but what we learn about ourselves along the way. Like you said in your EXCELLENT contract, this contract is solely with myself. This contract carries no rewards, penalties or punishments other than those associated with the reflection of the strength of my character. I LOVE THAT. Thank you. I want to steal that from you! HA HA!!! Here we go, girl...we are on our way to a better life. I truly Love you!

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ABBYGAL 5/20/2012 1:57PM

    Thanks Michelle. I'm counting on it.
I've already laminated and posted my affirmation around the house...."I Believe in Myself." It has to get me through the next few days and the week to come. Woo Hoo!

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MS5835 5/20/2012 1:08PM

    Great contract! I know you can do it!

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ABBYGAL 5/19/2012 8:33PM

    Although a good portion of this contract was from the Oprah site I've changed it to make it fit to my lifestyle and the changes I intend for myself. I'm sure Oprah won't care, as long as it helps us in the same weight loss battles she struggles with. God save the queen...OPRAH!!!

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9/11/11

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Evening Everyone:
Looks like it's a quiet here at SP. 9/11 is a tough time. I think we all feel we we're there that day, not just watching the horror, but living it.

I love NY and have spent many great times there. Sometimes weeks, sometimes short weekends of shopping ,sightseeing, eating at the finest resturants, grabbing a bottle of wine and cheese and soaking in a tub. No cares in the world....except being with the man I loved. Joe....we walked thru the towers everyday... on his way to work (he was a CEO at a web firmback then).

When we decided it was right for us....I moved to Palm Springs California... I flew with my cat here and was so happy...the next morning I woke up only to see the 2nd plane fly thru the 2nd tower. I felt sick and yet I felt sooo lucky too...as I sat crying in unbelief of what was happening and for all those that we're struggling to get out....then as the towers came down and the silence began , I felt nothing. Almost ashamed that I was so lucky to have made it to where my future was just starting. Sick in my stomach with grief for those families who we're looking for their loved ones, just made me feel all that much more sad.

Now that Joe has left...do I still feel lucky? Maybe.Maybe there is something I was sent here to do besides live a selfish happy ever after. Maybe helping the oldsters here IS my calling. If it cost me a man who was so self centered not to be able to share his love for me with others, than he was never the right person for me. I could never say no to anyone who needs me.

Even though I don't actually know what the future will bring...I still lucky to have a chance to wake up everyday and make my own choices. The choice of how I want to be, not only in my body but in my soul. So everyday, I will make each one count...as if it were my last...because we never know, do we?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ABBYGAL 9/16/2011 11:49PM

    Thank you all for sharing with me. God is good...now if only more people could be.

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MS5835 9/11/2011 10:40PM

    Jan, love your blog. As important as it is to reflect on the past, we all need to focus on the here and now, and take one day at a time, one step at a time. You have so many strengths, which I'm sure will lead you to your new beginnings.
Love you girlfriend.

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HHUSTON 9/11/2011 10:17PM

    Loved your blog! This has been a reflective day indeed. This is a new beginning for you - and that, my friend is always bright. It seems to be our human nature to not hear what our spirit is trying to tell us. Maybe we should reflect more :) If we could ALL live like it's our last day the world would be an amazing place......

um. Not sure there would be any ice cream or cheese cake left though!!!
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SPEEDY143 9/11/2011 9:54PM

    Every day is emoticonmake it count emoticon

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BLUEWATER71 9/11/2011 8:49PM

    This is indeed a hard time for everyone especially all the lives that been lost and it is a very sad time. One of my girl friend from school was working couple of blocks from world trade center her life change forever and she couldn't work in NY any more and put in for a transfer to NJ and she still have night mares from that and she is in therapy and has been for years. who knows why we were spare from certain things at certain times maybe God has other plans for us.

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MAKINYEMI 9/11/2011 8:38PM

  Thank's so much for this blog. God is good.

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