Sunday, March 09, 2014
As of this morning, I am back to my starting weight. I have lost zero pounds. It hurt to log that in my weight tracker. Why in the world would anyone post a blog about going backward? Well, because it's my reality and I just need to be real with myself right now.
It's been a hard Winter for me and my fat. Well, it's been a good winter for my fat, I guess. It's flourished nicely. I, on the other hand, am struggling.
What happened? Did I get caught in a blizzard with no way to exercise and only junk food to eat? No. Did I have a catastrophic thing happen in my family and ate solely for comfort and had to eat casseroles with gobs of cheese in them? No.
What happened was just plain winter. I got sick. My kid got sick. My husband got sick. And again and again and again. We had travel (some planned some unexpected). The result: getting over a week behind in school (homeschooling my kiddo w/autism). While cramming to catch up, I missed 4 gym appointments (& 2 other appts) in order to do school work. And then (dunh dunh duuunnhhh) migraine. Today is day 4 of the migraine. This should mean I am done tomorrow, except that we got a weather condition today that always triggers the ugly beastie, so maybe not done.
Here's the thing with migraines for me - I can't think! I mean I can do routine stuff, but teaching lessons is pretty much ridiculous. I made it through 3 days before shutting down yesterday.
When I'm behind in schoolwork, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. And when I have guilt, guess what I do? Easy, right? I eat. Oh, and I had to do grocery shopping yesterday so what do you think I bought? Yes, things I haven't bought in years. I found out I can eat 9 Mounds bar pieces and not feel sick. How can this be? How was I not feeling physically awful? Was that all I ate? Hah. No. But you don't need a listing. The thing is, I never felt sick. I never felt like I'd had enough, and the only thing I kept thinking was, "My *#$%^&* head hurts," alternating with, "aaaauuuggghhh we were almost caught up with schoolwork!"
Yes. This binge happened when we were nearly caught up. Almost there. Isn't that the story of my weight loss journey? Going nuts when I'm "almost there?" Why? What do I fear? Do I not want to succeed? Am I sabotaging myself? Or is it coincidence? I'm not a stupid person. In fact, I'm not only pretty smart, I'm introspective, analytical, and your typical nerd. But...man, I'm sick of not being able to DO what I think.
I can think my way down to my goal weight. I can calculate it, allow for life's little gifts of reality to whack me around a bit, and arrive at a sensible, achievable goal. So why can't I achieve it? Why can't I get out of my own way to make it work? Why does a migraine = whole day of eating? And eating junk. I'm SURE the junk just adds to the headache - all those preservatives...yow.
And yet, I decided this morning to get on the scale. Oh surprise - gained all my weight back. Back at my starting weight. I thought, no, I won't log this, maybe this is just a false high, maybe this is just a momentary blip. But then I decided that I DO want to live in reality, I am NOT a mess, I am NOT a zero. I will log it, hold my head up, and live.
I will try to unravel this stupidity. I will try to figure out which lie I'm telling myself to allow this behavior. I know my family loves me no matter what size I am, but will they still feel the same way when I exit their lives early for being obese? Is that showing them how much I love them? Enter more guilt. Guilt is a HUGE trigger for me. I seem to be unable to avoid tipping from motivation (I do want to live longer for me and my family) to guilt (if I don't do this, how tragic, how senseless, how avoidable, my fault).
So how do you face reality without the guilt? How do you get back up after falling, without feeling guilty? I know Confucius was among the first to say the thing about what's important is that you get up one more time than you fall, but the thing here is, I'm pretty sick of falling. But mostly I guess I have to figure out how to whack this guilt on the head and get it out of my head. If I have another bad night I'll be a higher weight than my starting weight. I really don't want that. I need to return to mindful eating - maybe let the guilt come and just try to feel it instead of trying to shut it down? Man, I'm not sure I even know how to just feel guilt. Maybe that's at the core of my problem. Something to explore.
Today. Not tomorrow.
Friday, February 07, 2014
I feel like I jumped a hurdle yesterday. I struggle some days, greatly, with the harsh realities of homeschooling my autistic son. No details because that's not what this blog is about today. No, today is about what I did differently.
Usually when things go badly:
I moon about it, I worry that it's my fault, I worry that I'm inadequate, not up to the task. I shut down. And my shut down consists of sitting on the couch, zoning out with the TV, and eating. Sometimes there's crying. Sometimes just a zombie session. It doesn't last long, doesn't spill over into the next day (although I do dread starting lessons for the day in the morning, but my own destructive behaviors don't continue). But I feel tremendous guilt for every minute I sit there zoning out, and I try to assuage that guilt with food - lots of food. I don't make dinner b/c I'm too depleted from my struggles, and b/c I feel like I've eaten too much already, and then I just snack more b/c I didn't have a meal to make my stomach satisfied - or my guilt.
What I did differently yesterday:
Things went badly. I saw the lesson through (as usual) and it depleted me (as usual) but I recognized my need to take a break as a VALID need. Not something to feel guilty about, not questioning my abilities or effectiveness. I just needed a break. So I took one. From lessons. I allowed myself to "shut down" and zone out by changing into exercise clothing and trudging on my elliptical trainer for over an hour, while watching TV. I wasn't doing a stellar workout if you look at it alone, but it was stellar that I was moving and not eating instead of sitting and eating.
What it did for me:
Beyond the obvious, it also changed my mood for the evening. It wasn't as big of a downward spiral. I didn't need to cry. I even started some laundry before the elliptical/TV session and when I heard the machines beep, I got off the elliptical and swapped stuff out, then got back on. The longer I trudged, the better I felt.
What could have happened:
(see the "usual" section) I would have felt awful all night, I'd have lain awake for hours, into the wee hours of the morning, worrying, struggling, wrestling with both the binge beast and the guilt beast and the insecurity/inadequacy beasts. I would have felt exhausted and downtrodden this morning. I'd have felt like I couldn't escape this cycle of self-abuse. I'd have thought about putting my son back in school where I know he wouldn't do any better because he just can't learn in the way schools are structured. And I'd have felt like I was considering giving up on him. And the guilt would have gotten me down on day 2, and I'd likely have made bad food choices again. I'd have stepped on the scale and been really bummed that the 2 lb loss I saw yesterday would have disappeared. I'd have spent the day kicking myself for all the coulda shoulda wouldas.
I got to start the day luxuriating in a half hour of hanging out in bed reading email. I woke well-rested and hungry. I didn't feel bloated. I even felt how nice my fingers felt not being full of salty bloat. I thought how nice it would be to enjoy my morning coffee, knowing I could choose anything I wanted for breakfast because my stomach was empty. And then I thought, hey, maybe I'll write a blog!
I feel good. For the first time ever, after a terrible clash of wills with school lessons, I did something constructive for myself and I feel good.
Do I still dread starting lessons today? Sure. Only b/c I fear that the clash of wills will kick my butt again, but the dread is cut considerably by the knowledge that I've found a new way to deal with the adversity. I found a new way to cope. This particular struggle no longer has to equal weight gain.
So hurdle jumped: realizing I DO deserve breaks when things get hairy, and a "shutdown" doesn't have to be spent on the couch - I can zone out in other ways.
And I need to give a shout out here to a very special Sparkfriend who has been my role model in how to not let adversity stop her efforts: Jitzuroe. She's really helped me turn my attitudes around. And while I'm at it, thanks to a couple of other special Sparkfriends who have said some great things to me who kept me thinking long after the words were read: Cannie50 and Mamadwarf. I draw strength and inspiration from all of my Sparkfriends, and different things stick in my head, but lately, these 3 ladies have felt like a support structure to help me learn to treat myself decently.
Thank you ALL my wonderful Sparkfriends! You are making a difference in this girl's life.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
How in the world can I feel one day like I can take on the world and win, and the next day feel so...blah?
I mean I don't want to do diddly today. I have a lot to do, but I had even more to do yesterday and I rocked it! I mean I tackled everything. Today just feels so blah. The sun is shining, it's really warm out, and I _should_ feel fantastic.
Maybe it's because my kid is in a terrible mood. He's been whining all day long. I haven't even started doing school lessons with him yet (it's 2:30!) today because of his mood. Can his mood rub off on me? Hmm, let's see.
How did I wake this morning?
1. I got up early
2. Had just the right amount of sleep
3. Husband made me perfect cup of coffee
4. Started admin work (emails, sparking, get kitchen ready for day, etc.)
5. Kid started whining
ooh, yes, turns out I am not immune to a grumpy kid.
How do you do it, moms? How do you tune out your kid when he's grumpy for no reason?
Ok, he has a reason, but I can't do anything about it. He's sick (recovering from strep and has a heck of a head full of gunk). And he's really bummed about certain things being make believe like climbing walls, flying without an airplane, and jet packs. And he's also bummed that I won't let him jump over our indoor balcony to an exercise trampoline he dragged beneath it. He's mad that I said he'd have to go to the hospital and/or worse, danger seems to be an irritant rather than something to instill caution.
I have trouble getting him to understand these things because he has a severe communication delay with his Autism. There are a lot of things to be thankful for today, as there are every day. But today, I just feel like crawling under a pile of blankets and hiding until the unpleasantness is over. I know I can't.
And I will strive to not cover myself with a pile of food instead.
On the positive side...
(I say these to convince myself)
I'm nearly packed for our impending ski trip.
I'm not sick (didn't catch what the boy carried around for the last 2 weeks)
He's getting better and should be able to ski.
I've been exercising.
Christmas decor is all safely back in storage.
I don't have to worry about life's gigantic things today (like health and hunger).
I don't have to go anywhere today, I can stay home and get things done.
I can pick a new project from my pile of old junk I'm just starting to get through - maybe it'll be fixing the fence, creating a better storage system in my son's room, getting some check marks in my GTO app (Google Task Organizer).
The weather is beautiful and I can pick my task today. Heck, I might even get a full hour of exercising in today...what a great gift to myself.
So, when I get all freaky today, I'll try and remember to come back and read this list. And review my goals board. Yes, that should keep me positive.
And to all my Sparkly friends, and those I haven't "met" yet, Have a Happy New Year! Make 2014 what you want it to be! For me it's getting rid of stuff I don't need: attitudes, junk in the house, expired food in the pantry, clothes I hate, shoes that pinch, and creating a sense of openness and space in which to live my life! How about you?
Saturday, December 14, 2013
I've decided to do something different this time around. I'm recording my weight nearly every day. This way I get to see the fluctuations that Mother Nature gives me on a chart. I get to see, ok, don't worry about that sudden 3 lb jump in one night, even without overeating or undermoving, it happens every 21 days. And a pound or two gain happens after every boxing or boot camp style workout with my trainer, followed by it dropping right back off a day later (when the muscles recover).
And, just as important: ok, don't get cocky about that sudden 2 lb drop, it also happens every 21 days, it doesn't mean you can throw caution to the winds b/c that 2lb weight loss was "easy."
Over time, I'll get to know my 2 steps forward 1 step back style of losing, but I will gain encouragement from knowing that it's my pattern, NOT that I'm doing something wrong. And I'm hoping that this time around, I'll not be thrown by a sudden 3lb gain when, "hey! I had a hard workout yesterday and ate so well! Ugh, someone predicted I wouldn't be able to do this and they were right." (In the past this would have derailed me into the "bleep it, who cares, give me some brownies!")
I'm continuing to live the way I want to live, eating the way that makes me feel good the next morning, and moving even when I don't want to, because I know it'll make me feel mentally and physically good in the morning. I keep saying, "I'll feel better if I _____________" and that blank gets filled in with things like: walk for just 5 minutes (which turns into at least 20 most days), don't eat that next slice of pizza, have an apple because I haven't had enough freggies today, listen to the voice inside my head that says I need a small break from my schedule today.
I can't really look at a month at a time for any of that stuff, if I do, it's too easy to put off my actions until "tomorrow." So I am trying to just live each day the way I'd like to (as much as possible), forget trying to be "perfect" because that's not one of my goals, and hopefully the weight will take care of itself over time. It should, because living healthy, I believe, will have it's own rewards.
Meantime, I still weigh in daily so that I can try to stay "in the game," I mentally track my calories after dinner time (my only risky time), and try to move at least 20 minutes extra 5 days a week.
I think I'm down 6.5 lbs, but today was one of those weird 3lb unexplainable days. So I logged it, and blogged it, and will wait patiently for my body to get real! All while living healthy.
Have a fantastic weekend, everyone!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
It's working. It's not lightning fast or anything, but it is working. At my age (50) I don't lose weight fast. A few years back I'd have been able to drop 5lb in a weekend by eating right. But, alas, those days are past. Now it takes longer.
But, remember my last blog? The one about just not binge eating? Well, I've gone a couple of weeks now with that philosophy and it's working.
I'm also moving more. I'm doing 20-40 minutes of cardio a day, at least 5 days a week. That 20 minutes might be "speed cleaning" where I grab a toy (my kid has junk everywhere) and speed walk or jog it back to it's home, go back, grab another, rush it back, repeat. Sometimes I do the elliptical trainer or march around while watching TV. Sometimes I walk fast around my downstairs "loop" from LR to DR to Kit, to FR, then up the stairs, through the upstairs loop or turn arounds, and back down to start again. I have one earbud in so I can still hear my son if he needs something, but can also get energy from the music I like. And sometime I wrap, glove up, and hit the heavy bag which we managed to get hung from a ceiling beam in the house.
Twice a week I take my son with me to the gym and we meet with the trainer, but I did that part before. The new stuff is the indoor quickie cardio things b/c it doesn't take as much to convince myself to do it. And I usually start out thinking, ugh, I do NOT feel like doing this, but I will feel better afterward and tomorrow. And I convince myself to do 5 minutes, then after 5, I just keep going until I have to stop to take care of something (or someone) in the house.
So that extra movement, which isn't a lot, plus no binges (I can have up to 500 cal at night for snacks - no limits on what, but that's the only time of day I log food--to stay under 500 cal), has equalled 5 lb of weight loss in about 2 weeks. It's faster than my hoped-for progress, actually, so I won't be surprised if there's a slow down, but I do know that keeping up with what I'm doing gives me more energy, makes me feel physically and mentally better, and I know I'm doing the right thing - regardless of what the scale does or doesn't say.
But my PANTS say yes! Finally, no more bursting at the seams! Hooray for living well.
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