A1JOMAMA   605
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Trying to Love Myself IN SPITE of my Weakness

Thursday, June 16, 2011

So, I fell off the wagon last Friday and I haven't been able to get back on. I had to spend a little extra money on photgraphy for my sons portfolio. Not alot, but it was my skinny food money for about 2 weeks. I figured I would be fine and would just substitute what I had in the pantry. Last Friday, I had nothing prepared for dinner, I cracked and had the WORST - McDonalds Big Mac & fries. The next day something else and so on, until here I sit. Terrified to get back on the scale again. I killed two cartons of ice cream in 3 days so yeah.. I am practically ready to throw myself under the bus. I cannot believe one slip up and after having almost a whole week of great success I blew it COMPLETELY instead of recovering and realizing it was one mistake. Now I've made several in a row, day after day. 6 days in a row.

I spent a horrible time today (about 4 hours) trying to get my wifi working after my son crashed the entire system. SO I'm totally stressed now and I am sitting here looking at recipes for fattening pumpkin bars, one of my comfort foods my mama made for me. I forced myself to come on here to find a healthier alternative. May this be the first step in getting back on track. This is why I continue to fail over & over. I do well for a few days (even a whole 3 weeks once!) and after one mistake, I just give up. If this were just a matter of looks, I could get over it. I do love myself now, inside & out, regardless of looking unnatractive in a bathing suit. But I am killing myself, quite literally and that just doesnt seem to have enough power over me to stop me from overeating CONTINUALLY & CONSISTENTLY! I can lose me feet & legs to diabetes now. My kidneys are already showing signs of damage... I REALLY don't want to be on dialysis or be in a wheelchair the rest of my life!!!! I'm sure my heart and vascular system are completely strained and I don't even want to talk about the possibilty of stroke. The only thing I did right in the last 5 years for my body was quit smoking. Of sourse that added another 20 or 30 pounds, but on top of an extra 80...who's really gonna care, right. Uh, my doctor for one!

So here I sit, hoping again I can cling to the wagon when I see it go by. Trying to love myself in spite of this weakness I have for food. I have overcome so many opther battles and addictions in my life. Countless problems, loss & trauma that I have survived... I have to find the strength to do this! I will, I know I can, just God, please give me the strength to do it! Lets see what I can do tomorrow to start healing this sick old body of mine.

At least my boys pics came out great. We met a super nice couple that had a '53 aqua Chevy Pick up and owned a small cattle ranch. They let us come with our photographer friend to take photos of my son in authentic western wear that we borrowed. (Holding a real life lasso and everything!) I will put up a few of those later tonight. He is one of the few things that I can really LOVE myself for. I'm not a perfect mom, but the proof is in the pudding. The kid is really a good person. I love myself for raising him to be that way. Now just gotta love myself a little more is all. Just enough to get healthy for both of us!

Lots of love to the peope who care. Sympathy to the haters of the world. You need to love yourself in spite of yourself, too!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASHLEYVRONEK 6/16/2011 5:40PM

    Don't beat yourself up too hard. It happens to all of us. At least you're recognizing what you did wrong and you came back onto spark to help get support and motivation. You can do this! Just keep at it even after the slip ups. We're all here for you on Spark if you ever need someone to talk to. emoticon

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Good days and Bad days

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Today is a bad day. I'm not doing bad with the eating, but I am soooo looooowww on energy. This foot is really keeping me down. One more week and I hope to be in a shoe again. Hope the doctor wasnt lying! Funny thing is.. the previous days I felt great but I barely had 5-6 hours of sleep. Last night I had about 9 and I feel like a slug Ive had twice my usual coffee and it hasn't helped at all. I just want to curl up in bed the rest of the day and watch movies until I fall asleep again. I have to get things done around here, but just can't get motivated. There are dishes to do, pics to get printed and ready for tomorrows casting call for my boy, clothes that need washed, cleaned and pressed. Not to mention there is just lying about. I have to hem some clothes for a friend and I wanted them to be ready for her today and I know if I do them while I feel like this I could easily mess up! Think I'm just gonna eat dinner and watch a movie. BTW... True Grit was great.. Tonight..The Tourist! Hope I feel more energetic tomorrow.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

I.M.MAGIC 6/8/2011 8:44PM

    Anything that disrupts our circadian rhythm... LOL

Hoping tomorrow will be a better day for you...
Kathy emoticon

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Day 5 on Spark track

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

So today is day 5 that I have been staying on my Spark track. I have been under or within my goals each day..only going over in protein which, hey it could be soooo much worse. 5 days that I have not binged, not eaten gobs of sugar and chocolate, or even gobs of carbs at all. My glucose numbers are looking good..but the scale has not budged. I am dying to go for a long hard walk in the park..but this foot is not allowed. I will have to keep trying even though the exercise will have to come later. I know I should be proud of the strides and consistency..but still, it sure would be nice to see the scale down even 1/2 a pound!
I am proud of myself, I just don't want to slip into the discouraged zone againe. Maybe my pants will fit looser soon? I really hope so! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

A1JOMAMA 6/7/2011 3:50PM

    Thanks Pauline!!! emoticon

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PAULINE1123 6/7/2011 1:46PM

    emoticon emoticon

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Could this be a trend?

Monday, June 06, 2011

Well today is day 4 of hopefully staying within my goals of eating. So far, so good. I have to say I am more proud of myself than I have been in years. Even when I have "done well" dieting in the past, I was never concerned with the health issue. It was starvation and deprivation. I am feeling more satisfied and content with what I am consuming. I know I need more veggies... but that will come into play as I go. I had zuchinni & squash yesterday, so today I will have those leftovers and maybe try some broccoli the day after. Sad to say, I never had veggies growing up. It really wasn't part of our cuban cuisine (other than bell pepper, onion garlic and starch like corn & potatoes. When my mom went all vegan.. it was absolute torture, but I di learn to like some things. Spinach is great but I get kidney stones.. so they are off the menu except for once in a blue moon. I like green beans fresh, broccoli I can tolerate though its not my fave, I will eat stir fry veggies like snow peas and such. And I can do romaine lettuce as well as the zuchinni & yellow squash. Overall thats not a bad variety, but I know brussel sprouts,kale, bok choy are really good for you, I can't go near them or even cauliflower. The only cabbage I can do is a few forkfuls of sauerkraut on pork! So yeah not a hug variety, but its something. once I feel confident I can maintain my monster mouth, I may try to incorporate a new veggie a month. But for now.. I'm going to try to get through today!


High on Life

Sunday, June 05, 2011

I'm feeling pretty awesome. After I actually did TOO well at watching what I put in my mouth yesterday, and doing very well the day before; I finally feel good about what I am eating. I am tempted, but after doing so well..I need to keep up the moment. in 19 more days it will be a habit I am telling myself. So long as I am clinging to the wagon with my knuckles turning white! But I am still here. We will see how the rest of the day goes! One can only hope! emoticon

10:30 pm
I did really well over all. I ate a little too much chicken at dinner, but overall did a million times better than usual. Im in the mid-range between the min & max for calories for the day, but I think that was really good!
Hope I can keep this up and see something on the scale soon.


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