Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Yesterday was a tough day. I had it all planned out but I actually had to *say* my date for return to work from mat leave to my boss. Such mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I don't want to go back to work. It has been so nice to be home with my girls and watch them develop and grow. There's no feeling like it! And being a speech therapist - watching my 2 1/2 year old explode with her language and speech is unbelievable. They are a joy and it truly has felt like one big vacation from the time we came home from the hospital with #2. And aside from loving the time with my girls, I've also had time to devote to myself. SP has pushed me to do things I never thought I would be interested in before. I've said it before... I came on here to have a way to track my nutrition so I could lose 27 pounds... there wasn't supposed to be any fitness, or learning, or opening my eyes to new things, or balance in my life, or friendships... it was just purely to have a way to be accountable for my "calories in" so I could see the scale go down (now it seems like a side benefit that the scale has been going down!!). I've also had time to quilt which is a passion... no other way to describe it. And I've been so productive with this leave. I seem to always have "show and tell" at our twice-a-month ladies quilt group. People always say to me "how do you have time to quilt with 2 little ones?" and I guess we always find time to do the things we are passionate about. Now, they haven't had a look at my housekeeping devotion.... where they would see that I'm clearly not passionate about housekeeping! Some people have a house that is neat as a pin, others don't. I must say that I am envious of people who can have an immaculate house AND pursue their passions!! There's also been time to spend with my parents as well. I'm fortunate to have them relatively close by and healthy.
But - on the other hand, it will be nice to have a change with going back to work. There is a whole social network that I miss. And the sense of accomplishment with the help I give to my patients. There's routine to the day as well. Hmmm. As I type this, I see that my "pros" for going back to work are not nearly as fun to think or write about. When I return, it will be a different environment as well. Before I left on this leave I was the Senior of our department reporting to a Director (above her was a VP and then the CEO of our hospital). We have had an excellent working relationship in many respects. Just before leaving, the hospital hired a Manager for our greater department who is now between the Director and me. She started the week after I left. I think it was a great move for the hospital and a much needed position. However, I'm really sorry that I've missed her first year with us. Instead of growing a relationship with her alongside everyone else, I'm coming in cold a year later. It is a self confidence thing. The others who report through me to her have been establishing that relationship directly with her, and I think, successfully. I just fear that it will be hard to establish where I fit now. After the first mat leave, when I returned I was going back to a boss who knew and liked how I ran our department. Now it is the fear of the unknown.
So, yesterday was a day of angst trying to digest the changes that will happen in my life as of March 29th. I realize there are people in more desperate and dire situations... and this may seem trivial to them, but stress comes in many forms. I do count my blessings every day. I do have a great life and am very thankful for that!